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Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Children's health

overnight guest (dd's friend ) has anorexia-advice please

29 replies

sharppencil · 13/03/2015 15:19

dd is 14. her new best friend has anorexia. she's been very poorly and spent most of last year in hospital. she is much improved and now back at school regularly, but eating is obi still a major issue.

she is staying overnight this weekend for the second time (arranged v last minute by her mum).

last time she definitely 'pretended' that she'd eaten more than she had :(

my question is (and I'm not going to be able to speak to the mum in advance to ask advice but i could text) would it be even vaguely ok for me to say to this lovely girl...'emily, i need to be able to tell mummy that you ate something while you were here, otherwise i know she won't allow you to stay again and we would be really sad about that'.

advice with worried greatly appreciated, and so sorry of this would be a big no no to say anything.

but i was really worried by how little she ate in 24 hours last time she came and want to be prepared.

OP posts:

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sharppencil · 13/03/2015 15:19

'obv'

OP posts:

CatsCantTwerk · 13/03/2015 15:22

emily, i need to be able to tell mummy that you ate something while you were here, otherwise i know she won't allow you to stay again and we would be really sad about that'.

How old is she?

sharppencil · 13/03/2015 15:23

sorry i would say mum. don't know why i typed mummy! 13.

OP posts:

sharppencil · 13/03/2015 15:25

so i would say 'i need to tell your mum...'

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CatsCantTwerk · 13/03/2015 15:26

I think You need to say nothing like that at all to her (regardless of the age) and have a proper conversation with her Mum.

Surely her mum will be dropping her off if she has arranged the sleepover?

sharppencil · 13/03/2015 15:27

cats, sorry if ive got it massively wrong. her mum is in a fix and has put me on the spot somewhat. i will not see her mum.

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basketofshells · 13/03/2015 15:28

I have absolutely no experience of ED, only of teenage girls. So perhaps someone experienced will know better. However, in your position I would say nothing. I'd provide food but make no remark on how much she had eaten. In fact, I'd probably leave out food for the girls and then scarper right out of the room, so that I didn't even know.

Her anorexia is a long-term condition, and she is only with you for one day. Therefore, whether she eats nothing whilst she's with you, or has a three-course meal, it makes little difference in the big picture. It's more important that she has a "normal" experience of visiting a friend, rather than having your house become another place where her eating is monitored and commented on. Her poor mother has to be vigilant about her eating, but you don't. If there is something particular that needs to be done about her food, then presumably her mother would tell you. You could even have a quiet word with the mother and ask if there's anything she's more likely to eat if you were to make it available to her?

CatsCantTwerk · 13/03/2015 15:28

Even said in the nicest possible way to a 13 year old that may come across as 'You have to eat or you can not stay here again'.

I think you need to speak to the mum and ask her what she expects her dd to eat during the sleepover/breakfast.

jeee · 13/03/2015 15:28

Really, I think I'd just ignore the eating. I know nothing about ED, so could be way off the mark, but it seems to me that any comments about what she eat could potentially lead to problems. I'd check with her mum if there's anything that she would like me to do, ie, make a list of what was actually eaten, but other than that I would leave the food issue well alone.

lunar1 · 13/03/2015 15:30

I would just leave lots of nibbles out for tea that they can graze in. I wouldn't put any emphasis at all on food or eating. I think her mum would have told you if she wanted you to check shed eaten.

Pensionerpeep · 13/03/2015 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janethegirl · 13/03/2015 15:31

I may mention what she eats to her mum but I wouldn't say anything to the friend directly. Just serve the food up centrally and let the friend take what she wants. Make no comments whatsoever. Difficult I know but the girl will be concerned anyway and not want to offend you.

sharppencil · 13/03/2015 15:32

sorry. you're all right. of course. i won't say anything.

and i won't have her to stay again until the mum has explained to me a bit more how to handle the situation.

the mum did text me and has previously said she absolutely must eat/ drink xyz or she won't be able to stay again. this was what made me post. i really want to clarify that. the mums said that.

i put food out in a casual way last time and she didn't eat.

OP posts:

sharppencil · 13/03/2015 15:34

lunar, she did. absolutely ask me to check she'd had certain things. and she didn't eat them. I'm now being asked to host again before I've talked to her properly about it.

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sharppencil · 13/03/2015 15:35

really sorry, not meaning to drip feed. i should've explained in my OP that the mum was quite specific about this.

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amothersplaceisinthewrong · 13/03/2015 15:38

It is not fair of the girl's Mum to place any onus on you to make her eat or provide her with information on this. If the Mum is SO worried the girl will not eat, then maybe arranging a sleepover was not the right idea. . The anorexia is NOT in any way your problem. Say nothing. And make sure the Mum knows you will not be paying any attention to what she eats or does not eat. Just servie up as normal and if the girl eats nothing, so be it. One day will make no difference at all.

basketofshells · 13/03/2015 15:48

Argh, that's awkward. I really feel for the mother, but I also think you've been put in a very unfair position. Asked to police the diet of an anorexic teenager and told that she "must eat xyz"... I'm sorry, but if it was a simple question of getting her to eat things that she "must eat", then she wouldn't have anorexia. It's a complex psychological condition and you aren't equipped/experienced to deal with it just off the cuff like that. I'd just leave out the food and say nothing.

Blazing88 · 13/03/2015 15:54

Pointless telling a girl with anorexia to eat.

She's with you for one day. Let her be. Whether she eats with you or not makes absolutely no difference to her health. Stay out of it. Be breezy. Food out. Make no comment at all. Just chat to her normally.

Georgethesecond · 13/03/2015 15:58

But I think offering lots of drinks is a good idea. In case she doesn't eat.

BeansInBoots · 13/03/2015 16:08

Id go along the lines of saying to the mum that you'll do your best.
Maybe ask your dd if she fancies anything or (and I think the choice to not decide is important) you will just rustle something up from the freezer.
Provide some drinks and let them help themselves to the food.

When you do get a chance to speak to the mum I would express your unhappiness at the situation, it's not fair on anyone..

ajandjjmum · 13/03/2015 16:15

Would your DD know what sort of food her friend might eat? I'd check that out, and even if it's rubbish, leave it for them to eat as they watch a film or something?

sharppencil · 13/03/2015 16:17

ok. some good advice on here. thanks all. i'll say to the mum that its up to her to explain her expectations to dd regarding eating at my house. i will provide some of the foods on the mums list. but i won't comment.

cats, i wonder if you've read my update, as you seemed utterly horrified by my OP. hop my updates put the OP in context a bit.

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Chillyegg · 13/03/2015 16:22

As others have said don't make an issue of food and defiantly don't say. You need to check how much she eats to her!

Im not a medical expert but i have a friend who is anorexic and she hates to be watched while eating or to eat Infront of others when they aren't. A small amount of research i did do to try and be considerate to my friend showed this as sometimes a common symptom.

Why not leave out a picnic tea, check what the girls like and leave it out. Let them get on with it. Or they can make their own tea? Something fun so theres ownership?

A bit bad of the girls mum to leave you in this situation!

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 13/03/2015 16:27

Seeing as anorexia is about control I think it would actually be destructive to A) say anything or B) make her visits conditional on her eating by you or her mother. My ex had it and I always made a point of not commenting on food, making food conditional on anything etc. but he was an adult so it's a little different.

Janethegirl · 13/03/2015 16:31

She may nibble stuff if she's engrossed in another activity. Watching DVDs and providing popcorn, crisps, nuts, sweets etc and obv drinks may get some calories consumed.

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