DS(8) has yet again pooed in his pants today. I despair.
It doesn't happen every day, or even every week in a good patch, although he has done so 4 or 5 times in the last fortnight. Sometimes he's fine for weeks or even months on end but I can't see rhyme or reason for when it is.
He used to have small pee accidents the whole time (like every day) but does seem to have outgrown that in the last year, although he still leaves peeing to the last possible moment and we often end up insisting he goes (it's patently obvious when he needs a pee)
He doesn't have any medical problems, apart from a mild tendency to constipation, which is well controlled with medication. He is otherwise happy, flourishing and a delightful child who is doing well at school and has plenty of friends.
I think what is going on is a combination of
- he just wasn't ready to be potty trained, even though we left it until he was 3 and nearly-a-half, because we could see he wasn't ready. So he never got the hang of it early on (unlike DS2 who got it in 2 days) and since then it has been a constant source of aggro between us, so he tries to ignore it in the hope it will go away.
- he is a person who gets very focused on what he is doing and really does not want to stop. He doesn't pay much attention to his body generally - rarely says he is hungry, thirsty, hot or cold. He is just ignoring his body's cues. On the (vast majority) of days when he doesn't soil himself, I don't think that's because he has paid attention to his body, it's just because we've got him into a good routine where he goes to the loo after breakfast and (with luck) poos then without having to notice (he usually plays on the Tablet at the time and if you ask him whether he has pood yet he says he doesn't know)
- it has just become a horrible thing for all of us, so he doesn't want to think about it, so he ignores it. It's a horrible kind of power-struggle that neither of us wins.
- I know we are not doing brilliantly in how we respond to him. He hates it when we get angry and I know it doesn't help.
I am particularly worried because it doesn't seem to be getting any better as he gets older and next school year he will be going on a school residential for 3 or 4 days. I am worried he will soil himself while he is away. I am teaching him to clear up after himself completely, including rinsing out the pants, which is something, but it is the other kids taunting him that I most worry about.
Things we have tried that have not helped:
-g.p. - prescribed medication to prevent constipation, which helps but not enough (but at least he is not now constipated).
-scans at hospital - everything appears to be biologically normal
- referral to specialist continence paediatric clinic - useless consultant just said 'some boys do this, we don't know why. They grow out of it eventually'. DS hated going there (only went twice and then we were discharged as 'fine now' which it wasn't).
- 'no more doing whatever it was he was doing at the time for X days' (usually playing on the computer)
- explaining about biological processes. He has an excellent understanding of these.
-stickers/rewards/charts
- getting angry, shouting, showing great displeasure
- talking calmly afterwards about it and asking him for suggestions about what's going on and how to fix it (he generally suggests rewards, we say we have tried that several times and it never works. He then has no ideas)
- making him clear up after himself
Suggestions and comments very welcome but please be gentle with me.