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Recovering from csection & severe SPD. Norland Nanny useful to help me?

(96 Posts)
Katiejon Tue 12-Nov-13 23:21:21

DS born by planned csection 30 October 2013.
DD is 5 and a half.
Bottle feeding and doing night shift feeding: 4 times between 10 pm and 7 am.
Massively sleep deprived - only sleeping 2 hours at a time.
Not resting enough to stop being in pain.
Taking diclofenac.
Nearly constantly dizzy.
DH working Saturday week.
Extended paternity leave till 27 November.
Is working 3 Saturday's between now and Xmas.
Norland newborn nanny any good to help me?
(Sorry for typing in bullet points, using ipad-type thing.)
Sleep deprivation with DD led to me having daymares.
Being monitored by hospital psychiatrist.

LifeTooShort Wed 13-Nov-13 00:24:06

Yes, yes, yes. Get whatever help you need. If you like the Norland girl she will be well trained and able to take on whatever needs doing. I wish you better.

Katiejon Wed 13-Nov-13 01:20:03

Thanks.
Havd never employed a nanny before.
Will I have to stay awake to show her what to do and where things are?
Am posting this at 1.10 am and ready to call psychiatrist in morning to speak to DH if he opposes nanny.
Cant walk in a straight line!
V hard time at the moment as I miscarried a year ago: missed miscarriage at 9 weeks, 2 x medical management to avoid ERPC and had to have ERPC as still had womb lining and couldn't face waiting for a heavy period to arrive at a date unknown.

redcaryellowcar Wed 13-Nov-13 05:19:06

if you can afford it norland nanny sounds great idea.
hope you start to feel better soon.

Oblomov Wed 13-Nov-13 06:54:04

Yes. You must do this. Please. You need support.

SquidgyMummy Wed 13-Nov-13 07:13:58

If you can afford a nanny then definitely yes to whatever help you can get.
Norland are expensive so she should be very well trained and you should be able to hand over your DD so you can get the rest you need

Pollydon Wed 13-Nov-13 07:17:03

Yes, get one in asap & flowers for you.
This too shall pass.

mrswishywashy Wed 13-Nov-13 07:33:42

Also could look into a night nanny or maternity nurse. They specialise in newborns so you would not have to show them what to do where with an Norland Nanny or any nanny they may not have new born experience.

Also as they are self employed you won't have to worry about tax etc and you could have them for as many nights per week as possible.

NomDeClavier Wed 13-Nov-13 09:38:02

You don't necessarily need a Norlander but you definitely sound like you need some kind of help! A night nanny or maternity nurse is an excellent alternative if they're happy to help with DD. The key thing is to get someone with experience who can come in and pick up the pieces, and in your state I'd advise going through a reputable agency - look for one that's a member of the REC.

You could try contact the organisations that train maternity nannies - MNT and NEST - to see if any of their graduates are free.

2plus1 Wed 13-Nov-13 09:48:56

A Norlander will have newborn experience through their work placements. I know as I have trained some. Def get some help so that you can rest, recover and enjoy your baby.

Katiejon Wed 13-Nov-13 10:00:59

Thank you all for your support.
DS was up nearly all nite. Not crying but feeding and wanting cuddles.
Got milk in his hair at 4 am. Posseted in his basket. I woke up DH and he took over but I still had to sterilise bottles so I could sleep later today.
DH said to sleep, I said dont even feel tired any more cos had to suppress urge to sleep.
Crying and told up him am up sh#t creek when he is working the Saturday's.
He booked them without discussing it with me.
I found out 3 days before csection when looking in hus work diary to ensure he had no work commitments when needed to do school run!
DH thinks our aupair can look after baby unsupervised, despite never changed a nappy before yesterday.

Katiejon Wed 13-Nov-13 10:08:58

Thank you all for your support.
DS was up nearly all nite. Not crying but feeding and wanting cuddles.
Got milk in his hair at 4 am. Posseted in his basket. I woke up DH and he took over but I still had to sterilise bottles so I could sleep later today.
DH said to sleep, I said dont even feel tired any more cos had to suppress urge to sleep.
Crying and told up him am up sh#t creek when he is working the Saturday's.
He booked them without discussing it with me.
I found out 3 days before csection when looking in hus work diary to ensure he had no work commitments when needed to do school run!
DH thinks our aupair can look after baby unsupervised, despite never changed a nappy before yesterday.

Leopoldina Wed 13-Nov-13 10:12:02

tell DH to take the day off work and look after baby unsupervised and then see what he thinks.
If you can afford it, hire in help. If you haven't found anyone yet, I recommend Eden nannies for maternity nurses

mrswishywashy Wed 13-Nov-13 10:40:41

Katie: if you want help finding a MN the calling NEST or MNT is a good idea for student PNCs. I also recommend Maternity Solutions. And if needed I could ask colleagues if any are available for immediate help, would just need your area.

MrsMarigold Wed 13-Nov-13 11:04:21

I have had an au pair untrained but a natural and the a Norland. I had a c-section, PND, a huge house , husband always at work and all I can say is go for it! My DD who I can't get off the breast now had loads of bottles in the early weeks and it didn't seem to interfere with breastfeeding.

Buy the book by Your Baby Week By Week by Caroline Fertleman - it saved my sanity as it is very well laid out.

Let the au pair just hold and cuddle the baby while sitting upright while you rest. Firm patting and literally hoicking it over your shoulder gets rid of trapped gas. My dad who is like a baby whisperer is quite vigorous and I was horrified but he always seems able to calm babies. If colicky behaviour persists also see the GP so you can rule out reflux - insist on ranitadine for the baby rather than infant gaviscon if it is reflux.

Norland nannies just know babies so very reassuring but a maternity nurse might be better. Also in the longer term I found the Norland a bit too strict.

Not sure if this helps either but with both children I remember weeks two and three being the worst of my life, I hadn't bonded with them, felt resentful and couldn't understand why anyone ever had children. My body ached, they needed to be held all the time, I wanted to sleep, breastfeeding was so stressful. It passes and once they start smiling it gets loads better. I love mine to bits but would have handed them back then.

Good luck.

Katiejon Wed 13-Nov-13 11:37:16

Very grateful to you all for your support and tim berners lee for inventing the internet.
I dont feel so alone.
DH medical person and fully aware of csection recovery, spd and susceptbility to daymares.
I live in London NW4.
DH admitted he cant look after both on his own - he's not recovering from major surgery!
Am so used to being in pain from SPD that I ignore the pulling feeling inside me.
Also pain in sides and legs.
Slept 4 hours between 5 and 9 am.
DH said go back to bed, I said I need to eat, also have to supervise au-pair, arrange for DH to collect painkiller prescription from Boots and more teats for bottles,, order spare moses basket mattress cos baby posseted on it at 4 am, order more binbags and hoover bags and whats for dinner? DH not understanding there is no magic Tesco fairy who magically replenishes the fridge!

MrsMarigold Wed 13-Nov-13 11:50:49

Hi I live not too far from you - get in some M&S ready meals in - send the au pair to Brent Cross to stock up, they are great at times like this! Also can she fetch your prescription and go to buy the moses basket mattress from John Lewis. And just pop the baby i the middle of the spare room bed in his sleeping bag - he won't move much. Also saves you having to supervise her.

smile

areyoutheregoditsmemargaret Wed 13-Nov-13 11:55:47

Sympathies. I agree, you don't actually need a Norlander but a maternity nurse might be the very ticket. Then you can catch up on sleep. Good luck, it will get better.

Katiejon Wed 13-Nov-13 13:23:23

Hi marigold.
Aupair doing running around already.
Ready meals notgood for me as am lactose intolerant.
Good ideas.

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 13-Nov-13 13:55:47

You def need help and you need sleep

Personally I would advise a night nanny rather then a Norland nanny - esp if newly qualified and prob won't have much new born baby exp

A night nanny will able you to get a decent nights sleep and therefore heal quicker from cs and if not so tired you will be able to cope with day better

They will also help bubs get into a routine and clean and sterilise bottles etc for following day for you

Ideally 3 nights a weeks - sun tue thur giving you sleep every other night and dh can do fri and sat eve when home from work

The ap can help with housework or get a cleaner or dh can do it and again can do bottles for you the days night nanny isn't

Sending out for m&s meals is good - basically anything that makes your life easier at the moment do it smile

threeisatragicnumber Wed 13-Nov-13 14:15:59

Order this:

http://www.cookfood.net/menu/shop/remarkable-meals-on-wheels/weekly-meal-boxes/our-favourites-meal-box/

or similar from them. Its a lifesaver (even now mine are a tad older!).

Please get all the help you need/can afford. There are no prizes for making yourself exhausted/ill/crazy.

I had a mother's help every weekday afternoon for a few weeks after no 3 - non qualified mid twenties trainee teacher who I got on really well with. She was perfect for sorting out the bigger kids dinner/bath/playing etc at the worst (for me!) part of the day. It meant I could feed/sleep etc and make it through to bedtime without exploding. posisbly get au pair to take over that role?

I've never had a night nanny, but it sounds great!

Good luck xxx

Katiejon Wed 13-Nov-13 14:28:54

Haven't got a spare bedroom for a nite nanny.
I dont think they can sleep on sofa - can they?

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 13-Nov-13 14:54:56

I have been known to sleep on a sofa smile a bed is nice but not everyone has a spare room esp once have kids and ap

Bloody comfortable compared to a single lumpy bed I had once in one of my night jobs

In the end the mat nurse or night nanny is there to look after bubs - if I get sleep then great and mostly I sleep 11.30/3 and 3.30/6ish most nights but if I didn't then not a problem iyswim

When you interview a NN show her where she will sleep and I'm sure no one will complain about a lack of bed

What area are you in? There are a few of us on mn so maybe one of us is local x

Katiejon Wed 13-Nov-13 17:13:33

If night nanny sleeps on sofa, then baby has to sleep downstairs too.
Want him upstairs at nite to learn difference between nite and day.
Is this a good idea or baby too young to learn difference?

Katiejon Wed 13-Nov-13 17:15:06

Aupair can look after DD for dinner etc but still have to look after baby at 0300.

MrsMarigold Wed 13-Nov-13 17:20:43

tell the au pair things are a bit stressful at the moment and see if she agrees to do two hours overtime per day for the first six weeks.

We never have any diary in our house because of similar issues so M&S Paella is good plus some things from the Cook range - shop in Muswell hill.

Apparently babies only start responding to the cicadian clock at around three months so don't fret about that.

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 13-Nov-13 17:27:38

the odd jobs that i have had and downstairs on sofa, the baby still sleeps 7-7 by 3/4mths tops

as long as room is dimly lit/quiet tbh the baby wont know if moses basket is downstairs/living room or upstairs/bedroom - or put to bed at 7ish upstairs and nn bring down stairs at 10/11 dream feed and keep with her

its whatever works out best for you/your family

Nannyowl Wed 13-Nov-13 18:11:00

Hi Katiejon
I work as a Night Nanny - sorry not your area and booked at the moment.
But just to say, I have often had baby downstairs in Moses Basket or crib. I turn the lights off and read on my IPad or watch films on it. Happy to have sofa or chair. A newborn baby will not know what room he/she is in. The routine of sleeping in crib/basket is enough.
A night nanny would enable you to sleep soundly knowing the baby is cared for. Sleep will make you feel much better. Also do ring your GP and midwife and insist on a home visit if you are not feeling right.
Please feel free to Pm me I would be happy to talk.

Nannyowl Wed 13-Nov-13 18:12:31

Sorry Blonds crossed with you saying same thing smile

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 13-Nov-13 18:36:28

great minds owl smile

idiuntno57 Wed 13-Nov-13 19:15:16

i had a few weeks of night nannies after DT's and subsequent birth. Had to sleep otherwise I would have got psychotic. It made all the difference during the day with the nights sorted. Also they slept on a makeshift bed in the living room to avoid disturbing everyone else.

Was excruciatingly expensive but worth every penny.

Karoleann Wed 13-Nov-13 19:36:54

You could just get her a fold up bed from argos, they're not expensive.
There's a few nice sounding maternity nurses on childcare.co.uk. one says available from next Monday for a couple of weeks.

As long as night feedings are done quietly with minimum light, it won't matter if your baby is upstairs or downstairs.

You can't really expect an au pair to get up at 3am.

Hope you're feeling better soon, you probably only need a couple of weeks of help until you're feeling more normal.

mrswishywashy Wed 13-Nov-13 20:37:20

A good night nanny/maternity nurse will be able to work out what your family needs. Get as many nights as you can afford. I too have slept on sofas/blow up beds. Babies really at such a young age won't know the difference between upstairs and downstairs and night and day. That comes with time and setting up the day routine. You could have a night nanny arrive at 10pm do the dream feed and any night feeds and have bottles all sterilised and leave by 7/8am. It really does sound like you need the extra support so hopefully you can find someone to suit you soon.

Katiejon Wed 13-Nov-13 20:50:08

Hi everyone in mumsnet land.
Knocked myself out with 2 x painkillers at 4 pm, was relaxing when DD's school rang to ask for payment for theatre trip I knew nothing about! Stopped myself from yelling at girl on phone and cried instead!.
Thanks for info on circadian rhythm.
Slept for 3 and a half hours until dd came into see me, woke me up.

So tired I didn't even think of night nanny.
Big thank u 2 u for thinking of it.
Agencies for London NW4 anyone?

Getting prices for Norland, will give to DH tomorrow, am worried he will have a go at me for spending the money.
After today, my parents ready to rip his arm off and hit him with the soggy end!

Can't relax. DH bought DD marks and sparks chicken nuggets, didn't realise they r raw!
He would have unknowingly fed her raw chicken!

Katiejon Wed 13-Nov-13 20:51:44

What qualifications for a night nurse?

mrswishywashy Wed 13-Nov-13 21:30:23

Hope you can get some help soon. If you want to look yourself then try childcare.co.uk. I'd recommend Maternity Solutions and Dearnas.

Look for someone with either NEST or MNT post natal carer qual, recent CRB or DBS (criminal check) and paediatric first aid.

Then look for experience. Someone with a minimum of 5 years experience as a MN or NN - this means they will have seen plenty of families and be able to adapt to each situation.

Check CV for any breaks in work. Also check references. I would do these checks either for agency NN's or finding one on childcare, most NN's will be joined with agencies as well.

Next thing to look for at phone interview stage is personality match. Choose someone who you feel most comfortable with. After a phone interview I've usually started that night. I've had quite a few emergency positions and it moves quite fast from first finding out about the family to do the night/day shift.

idiuntno57 Wed 13-Nov-13 21:42:58

www.nightnannies.com

Katiejon Wed 13-Nov-13 21:43:14

Thanks wishywashy.
Very upset as DH not so DH and not willing to spend the money!

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 13-Nov-13 21:59:59

having help is a huge expense, and i do understand that and depending on how many nights you are looking at maybe just over £1.5K for say a month of 3 nights a week

do you honestly think your joint finances can afford that or is dh stingy or that you can afford but he doesnt want to

you need help, so either he can take time off or pay someone to help you even for a few weeks

Katiejon Wed 13-Nov-13 23:16:26

Think we can afford.
DH earning a few hundred 3 x Saturdays for overtime.
Think hes stingy.
Asked him how will I cope when u back 2 work?
Supposed to be on paternity leave but is seeing patients and got extra clinic tomorrow cos admin forgot to cancel.

Katiejon Wed 13-Nov-13 23:17:14

I cannot keep moving around.
Taken diclofenac and still sore 2 weeks after csection.

mrswishywashy Thu 14-Nov-13 06:44:48

Is you dh doing night shift with baby? I'd either say he does night shift or get someone in to help. C-section recovery can go on for weeks especially if you're not getting the rest you need.

For my colleagues let me know days you'd prefer worked and then I can hopefully find someone and can give you contact details.

SootikinAndSweep Thu 14-Nov-13 10:02:43

Do you have anyone who can help with the Saturdays? Could you maybe pay your au pair a nanny rate for those three days to work supervised by you.

This is rather blunt, but aside from the Saturday issue it sounds like your DH needs to pull his socks up a bit. Surely your DD is of an age where she's a bit more independent, and he can focus on DS? Was he a hands-off parent the first time round, so he's totally at sea with a newborn? Also, if he's not working at the moment why isn't he doing the night shift?

threeisatragicnumber Thu 14-Nov-13 10:20:54

Also, can you get gradparents or anyone in to help? I howled once down the phone to my MIL when DH was away and she drove down and did a night shift!

Katiejon Thu 14-Nov-13 10:46:30

Hi.
Aupair doesnt have newborn experience and its illegal to leave her in sole charge of under two's, which it would be I sleep.
DH did nite shift and up 3 x between midnite and 5 am.
He's now sleeping!
Told him getting day or nite nurse and extend mortgage if need extra money to pay for it.
I said I dont want to hear about a holiday, cos I'll have walked out that door and left you to deal with everything on your own. (I wouldn't, but yesterday afternoon I was at breaking point and would have escaped if I could walked.)
He took DS to cousin yesterday after school and disappeared for a swim without telling my mum who was looking after baby.He came back at 7.30 with DS, who has the beginnings of a cold.

DH doing school run, hour round trip.
Supposed to be on paternity leave, but has booked himself to do 2 clinics ( one today cos hospital forgot to cancel) and seeing private patients. Good, will help pay for help!

DD independent but still need and want to spend time with her.

Parents about to lose their temper with him.

Katiejon Thu 14-Nov-13 10:47:26

Sootikin, its ok to be blunt.
He does need socks pulled up.

SootikinAndSweep Thu 14-Nov-13 11:02:55

Right, so he's now done a night shift, that's good, that's progress. Everyone needs alone time, of course they do, but when you're at breaking point him going off for a swim is a bit self-indulgent IMO.

Of course your DD still needs attention, I meant more that it's not as if he's struggling with twins, or a newborn and a toddler.

Can you get your diaries together and plan each day for the next week, so you both know where you stand in terms of who is doing childcare for one or both, and you both know when your periods of rest/work are? Would that help you feel more able to carry on, if you know when you're next getting time off?

I feel for you, I really struggled with sleep deprivation, in the end DP had to just accept that tiredness made him crabby, whereas with me it gave me depression.

NomDeClavier Thu 14-Nov-13 11:16:44

It's not illegal to leave an AP with an under 2 - it's not recommended, they're not qualified to do it and it's not going to go down well with an agency but it's not illegal. So if you think AP can cope while you sleep in the house for a couple of hours and wake you if necessary a) I wouldn't call that sole charge and b) you're fine to do it from a legal perspective.

The 'rules' on that are to prevent APs being used as FT childcare, which they are in some cases anyway but that's another story.

My point is if you desperately need a nap and you think the AP could cope then just ask nicely.

Katiejon Thu 14-Nov-13 20:08:27

AP doesn't want to be left with baby while i sleep.
Asked her what would she do if baby had milk come out of his nose (wind).
She didn't know.
Has no idea how to put a sterilised bottle together.
Intelligent girl who picks things up quickly but absolutely no baby experience.

DH now has a cold!
Midwife told me am not resting enough.
Have made contact with my health visitor, who is a senior one.
Have lightening flashes down my legs, nerve pain.

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 14-Nov-13 20:35:43

Least dd is at school and you have ap

Until you get some help you need to rest as much as possible so when bus is asleep you sleep

And yes dh sounds an arse (sorry)

Katiejon Thu 14-Nov-13 21:52:13

Can't sleep to order but I am trying to rest.
I agree, he's being totally unsupportive.
Mum is disgusted with him.
Taken diclofenac and paracetamol.
Pain in side and stiches.
Have got Norland nanny potentially for Saturday.
Not much luck so far with daily newborn nanny.

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 14-Nov-13 23:25:12

What area are you in?

Can your mum help at all?

Have you rang local agencies to see if have any temp nannies

Does your dh company use emergency childcare - via my family care/TINIES - the company pay for a few days help each year

Katiejon Fri 15-Nov-13 09:43:10

London NW4.
Mum here every afternoon, 2.30 till 7.
Only considering Norland as they train to a high standard.

areyoutheregoditsmemargaret Fri 15-Nov-13 09:50:03

I feel very sorry for you but I think you're also finding unnecessary obstacles - being tired doesn't help it makes things look harder than they actually are. It's frankly daft only to consider a Norland, there are MANY nannies out there with experience (which is what you need, not training) who'd be far cheaper and have more availability, so you could use them far more. Show the AP how to put a bottle together and she can wake you if any problems.

NomDeClavier Fri 15-Nov-13 09:55:46

I'd say Chiltern is just as high and that practically doubles your pool of candidates, if you didn't know about them before?

Katiejon Fri 15-Nov-13 09:57:47

Hi margaret.
I need experience of course, but also training in hygiene, first aid cert and cooking for 5 year old.
Agree with you about tiredness.
Showing aupair how to do bottles, she has never handled them before.
Took her cos she is willing to stay over Xmas.

Katiejon Fri 15-Nov-13 09:58:29

Never heard of Chiltern, will google. Thanks.

Katiejon Fri 15-Nov-13 09:59:17

Au pair learning baby care from scratch.

mrswishywashy Fri 15-Nov-13 10:04:54

Not to be harsh but just because they are Norland or Chiltern trained does not mean they will be right for your family. I'd also call Nest and see if they have any trainees available.

areyoutheregoditsmemargaret Fri 15-Nov-13 10:06:23

Many nannies could do all that, not just Norland - I've had several nannies over the years who could easily manage all that, none found through agencies, just women who'd built up experience over years - many starting off like your AP. Totally understand you need to tick all boxes but there is a wider pool out there, just tell agencies these are all musts for you and in the meantime train up the AP. All mums learn from scratch at the start and we mostly do OK grin

NomDeClavier Fri 15-Nov-13 10:14:40

Almost all nannies will have first aid, NEST and MNT cover baby hygiene and plenty of nannies have done food hygiene as part of their training. It was entirely standard until a few years ago. Care of a 5 year old is also basic stuff for anyone with a level 3 qualification.

Send your person spec to an agency and see who they have that fits your profile.

Just looking on nannyjob I've found:

a trainee children's nurse www.nannyjob.co.uk/cv/33086
an Aussie with qualifications as long as your arm www.nannyjob.co.uk/cv/21890
25 years experience, 1st aid, baby care course www.nannyjob.co.uk/cv/17178
'courses and qualifications' www.nannyjob.co.uk/cv/14381
17 ytears exp and MNT www.nannyjob.co.uk/cv/25999
BTEC, MNT, first aid www.nannyjob.co.uk/cv/12205

Haven't read whole thread but YES GET SOME HELP!!!

Doesn't need to be Norland. I had a maternity nurse through Eden/the maternity nurse company (can't remember which). She was a life saver (C section and twins and stroppy teen and DP working 400 miles away).

PM me if you want as I have my lady's phone number and she's in London.

Katiejon Fri 15-Nov-13 10:53:34

Big thanks.
Too tired to recruit myself.
Ap no idea how to change nappy, can't train her up as too tired.
Lots of pain from SPD.
Thanks nom, very kind of u to search for me.
Will try Chiltern and Eden, who can filter a bit more.
All I want to do is sleep, not spend time searching for help.

Katiejon Fri 15-Nov-13 10:54:11

How do I pm j, stinking?

At the right hand end of the blue bar above my post it should say 'message poster'. Click on that! I'll send you one anyway in the meantime!

NomDeClavier Fri 15-Nov-13 11:34:08

I know you don't have the time or energy but it's just an example of qualified candidates (who probably are registered with agencies too) that aren't necessarily Norland trained. The more you put arbitrary limits on candidates the longer it will be before you can have sleep smile

If even two of those profiles appealed there are probably 10 more like them that an agency could call on a moment's notice. You'll still need to call references yourself but that takes less than an hour.

When I worked for an agency if you'd called me Wednesday morning sounding as desperate as you did on Tuesday I'd have spent half an hour or so getting to the bottom of what you really wanted, searched the database for candidates, called them to check their availability and whether they'd be interested, sent you the profiles of the ones who were and had someone with you Thursday latest. Of course if you'd stuck to wanting a Norlander then it would have been fairly unlikely that the particular agency I worked for could have helped but I'd still have done my best!

You need to move quickly now to get someone before the weekend as agencies often close Sat and Sun.

Katiejon Fri 15-Nov-13 11:39:45

Next sat not tomorrow.
pm not able to click.
Will try to sleep now.

threeisatragicnumber Fri 15-Nov-13 11:46:38

Trying to think round it here.

So DD is out at school weekdays, au pair is around to look after DD after school, and mum can do baby for afternoons (12.30 - 7pm)? Which should mean you only have baby on your own in the mornings? Can you rest all afternoon (and get mum to bring you lunch/drinks in bed )?

Can DH get back to put them to bed in an evening i.e. cross over with mum and also shove in a ready meal and bring to you in bed?

Can mum help on the 3 x Saturdays DH is working?

Presumably you and DH can alernate nights, or can do at least some, so you get some nights off as well, which should be better if you get loads of daytime rest.

I'm not sure where nanny fits in - just the Saturdays (on the assumption that mum can't help)? If so, and its only three days when you're around as well anyway, then anyone decent should do rather than needing to be Norland etc?

Katiejon Fri 15-Nov-13 13:43:04

Thank u 3 for being logical.
I am overwhelmed by the advice u have all offered, so kind.
I have broken nites and not able to sleep in am till mum comes around 1 to 2.30, cos not tired enough to sleep.
DD back at 4.15.
Will sleep with the aid of Piriton!
And then think logically.

Blondeshavemorefun Fri 15-Nov-13 18:06:15

agree you are chopping your nose off to spite your face in regards to who you have to help, if you only stick to norland

any good agency will hopefully have at least 5 good nannies all with new born baby exp, prob a lot more tbh

this has been going on for 3 days, as nom said, and if you rang a local agency then sure you would have had someone by now

the job im in at the moment, i saw mum on sat late eve and started sun eve - she saw 3, so not the fact she had to chose me as no one esle iyswim - but she knows im pre booked mid dec so can only have me till then, but as i said ive already got bubs in a fab routine

please call an agency smile

Katiejon Fri 15-Nov-13 23:04:20

Slept with aid of sleeping tablet.
Think I have someone for Saturday's.
Not so DH wants to leave baby in carecof aupair with 1 week baby experience - she changed her first nappy today.
On the way to getting practical help, problem is DH attitude, thinks I can survive on 2 hours sleep here and there.
I hallucinated with dd cos of lack of sleep.
Told him I will walk out and leave him to cope on his own, like he expects me to do, if I dont sleep more.
Also highly distressed by his attitude.

Katiejon Fri 15-Nov-13 23:06:01

Not feeling sorry 4 myself and trying 2 find obstsacle.
Am trying to get good help but dh doesn't want to spend money to help me.

Katiejon Fri 15-Nov-13 23:07:06

Not a nanny ptoblem, a husbsnd problrm!

SootikinAndSweep Sat 16-Nov-13 09:23:51

But apart from those Saturdays you wouldn't need help if he actually helped you! His attitude is scuppering you on both fronts, he needs to either help full time until he goes back to work (barring the Saturdays) or he needs to agree that you can hire someone.

I haven't had SPD or a c section but surely an au pair and an adult are completely capable of looking after an NT 5 year old and a newborn?

Blondeshavemorefun Sat 16-Nov-13 09:46:38

So it's only morning you really need help for and odd night if dh won't help

If dh won't pay for some help Can you not manage that and if had a bad night then sleep when bubs sleep in the morning

Dd at school and ap looking after her otherwise

Your mum is there in the afternoon

You are actually quite lucky compared to some who have no one and you have 2 adults and 3 if dh pulled his finger from his arse

JugglingChaotically Sat 16-Nov-13 09:50:46

Haven't read whole string so apologies if repeating. But you need a maternity nurse! They specialise in new borns and help mothers as much as baby.
Good luck.

Katiejon Sat 16-Nov-13 09:58:50

Hi sooti.
What is NT abbreviation for?
He is helping but I am extremey tired, in lots of pain from csection (massive bruising) and hips hopefully moving back into place.
Midwife on thurs told my priorities r feeding myself and sterilising bottles.
How do I do this when dh tells me I am not the only 1 in the house?
Implies I'm selfish.
I only slept 4 hours per nite b4 birth due to hip pain and averaged 90 mins sleep in hospital per day, over 5 days.
Horrific pain due to spd, coukd barely walk, when I did I was all hunched over.
Since July.

So I need to sleep 8 hours in one go over long period of time to recover.
I have to do nites cos he is driving dd to school and back 20 mins eithrr way.
Parents cant take in am as they have bad knees and hips. Not v agile in am.
Am trying to get another parent to drive dd in am. Paying petrol money but no luck so far.
Painful to feed baby on my lap.
Painful to burp cos on scar, even with pillow to pad.
Am catnapping, 3 hours at a time.
He did some feeds last nite, now he is knackered.
Good, now he knows how it feels!

Will engage paid help, would be lovely to not have to fight him on this.
Told him if not paid baby help esp when he goes back to work, I will walk out the door.

Same attitude as when dd was born.
I had to stay with my parents for 6 weeks from 4 weeks.
That, s why big age gap.
Beginning to wonder I had baby, sorry.

Katiejon Sat 16-Nov-13 10:00:17

I need to sleep for an unbroken stretch during the day, that's what this all boils down to!

Katiejon Sat 16-Nov-13 10:06:08

Hi blondes.
AP not boisterous enough for dd, personality not matching brilliantly.
Am trying to sleep in am but find it hard to sleep when have been catnapping during nite.
I am lucky compared with some, but wish dh had more emopathy.

He wants to leave 3 week old baby with a girl who only has 1 week experience.
How can I sleep when she isnt confident in her own ability.

Dh with chikdren, am resting now.

SootikinAndSweep Sat 16-Nov-13 11:20:14

NT = neurologically typical, ie no special needs

I really feel for you AP, reading your posts it's clear you are desperate and absolutely focussing on sleep.

Can the AP drive? Could she do the drive to school?

If your DH does the shift from, say 8 to 2, and you do the rest of the night, would that give him enough sleep to do the drive? You could then go to bed at 8 and get 6 hours in one go. If you're not breastfeeding and someone else is in charge I'd heartily recommend Nytol One A Night, they give a deep sleep but for me there's no 'hangover'.

SootikinAndSweep Sat 16-Nov-13 11:20:43

Oops, I feel for the OP, not the AP! grin

JugglingChaotically Sat 16-Nov-13 11:37:26

Honestly. Maternity nurses are like nannies but focus on new borns. I had surgery post baby and it was a life saver. She pitched in with me and the other DCs but was so very experienced with new borns that she could settle DD and walk with her, bring her to me for feeding etc etc.
unlike nannies they work 24 hours a day for 6 days then day off. They cat nap.
I could not have got through it without her.

NomDeClavier Sat 16-Nov-13 11:53:29

Seriously your AP is crap. Fire her. She's not capable if engaging DD, she can't watch baby for a couple of hours when you're in desperate need and she's taking up a bedroom that you could give to a good nanny or a maternity nurse. It's not helping you at all really...

Blondeshavemorefun Sat 16-Nov-13 12:37:25

Ditto nom

If your ap can't play or look after your dd then she is no good to you and needs to go

I can understand her reluctance with a baby esp if ap is late teens and prob never even held a tiny baby - but she should be able to cope with a 5yr

How long has she been with you?

Katiejon Sat 16-Nov-13 14:36:20

Wonderful that u r all practical cos I'm finding it hard to think logically at the moment.
So many good ideas and lots of empathy. thanks

Just thought, I wonder if Duchess of Cambridge reads mumsnet?
Doesn't matter who we r, we all have milk in our hair and smelly poo to wipe off little bottoms. grin
Dh improved after I cried yesterday, got angry with him and told him I was about to walk out the door and leave him to deal with every thing on his own.
(Ok, hobble slowly out the door. Feeling better cos my sense of humour is back.

AP since Sept 2013.
I need her for housework, getting sick of her not going into the corners but on the whole is ok.
She varies with dd but not such a PITA that I would consider firing her and train a new girl.

I may hire a day nanny when dh back at work so I can sleep.

She can watch baby. I get very anxious when sleep deprived and dont trust anyone with baby apart from my mother.

Katiejon Sat 16-Nov-13 14:38:39

Problem with au pairs is u dont know what they r like until u have them in house.
Am getting lot more assertive with her re. housework.

Katiejon Sat 16-Nov-13 14:42:23

Sooti, would I be able to wake up with nytol? Piriton knocks me out!
Ap can drive but insurance (london) is exorbitant.
Have taken her to school with me and she was scared of the traffic.
Comes from a small village.
She does her best and I get on with her well.

SootikinAndSweep Sat 16-Nov-13 16:04:19

Yes, I can wake up with it, but it's definitely a deeper sleep than non-drug induced! I was suggesting it for when it's your DH's shift, surely he won't need to wake you if DS is bottle fed?

So, what's the plan? Get your mum over for the three Saturdays, give the nights or part thereof to DH, and manage the days between you, DH and the AP?

NomDeClavier Sat 16-Nov-13 16:13:38

It is hard. It's worse when you've got help that's not great tbh. Been there, could have managed it better! But you sound like you're struggling so much (and your DH is not helping) - your anxiety is palpable, as is your frustration - and there's no point paying for the same help twice. I'm a big fan of APs in their place but a big risk is that they might not work out, they might not be happy to drive when it would make life better if they could, they might not clean to your standards, the personality might not mesh. It's not their career and they don't really have much incentive to do the job well. But if you get in with her and you can cope with what she is capable of doing then look at how you can mop up round the edges.

To throw another option into the mix, what about a post natal doula? They're usually experienced mothers, they work ad hoc hours. They can watch the baby, supervise the AP cleaning, mop up your tears - it's a bit like having your mum but when your mum can't be there.

Katiejon Sat 16-Nov-13 18:40:21

Doula. What a great idea!
Plan: dh to help with nites.he now has sinusitis!
Nanny for saturdays.
Can manage days between us, will look for the doula I found before told had to have csection.
Baby in other hand. Typing on tablet.

Noctilucent Mon 23-Dec-13 08:56:51

Katie. How are you doing ?

Katiejon Tue 24-Dec-13 05:16:02

Am feeling better now.
Merry xmas and happy new year.
Have been taking prozac for past month and dh doing nite feeds, one feed him, one feed me.
Pain nearly gone.
Ap working better after I spoke with her.

Noctilucent Tue 24-Dec-13 11:18:46

Very glad to hear that things are better all around - good on you.

A very Merry Christmas and a happy New Year to you, too.

Merry Christmas to you too katiejon. I am glad things are getting better. You have been in my thoughts.

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 24-Dec-13 16:31:16

so glad dh finally agreed to help you at night - has saved you a fortune rather then hiring a mat nurse/night nanny smile

what happened to ap wanting to go away in feb?

have a good xmas smile

Katiejon Tue 24-Dec-13 18:03:59

Dh taking the week off.
He knows that I will spend money on extra help if he's working!

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