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issues with my childminder

(177 Posts)
AmandaWrassleworth Tue 22-Jan-13 19:44:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

woahthere Tue 22-Jan-13 19:57:00

I think youre being ridiculous on all 3 points, I know I should say why but words fail me. Do you know the most important thing Im seeing in your post.... my son loves her.

sausagesandwich34 Tue 22-Jan-13 19:59:47

I think that unless she is feeding the children cheesey wotsits and turkey drummers he should eat with the other children otherwise he will feel left out
In terms of getting him ready for pick up, are you always there a 5 on the dot or can it be slightly earlier? Do you really want him sitting there for ten minutes in his coat and shoes feeling like a spare part? It's probably her busiest time of the day do its a bit much to ask
The class that you pay for -did you suggest it or did she? If you set it up then can't you enrol next term for an evening or weekend? Childminders look after several children and picking up a child from a closed nursery should take priority IMO

littlemefi Tue 22-Jan-13 20:01:05

Have you brought up any of the issues with her?

I think some of the problems you describe are not 'deal breakers' as such, not going to the classes you have paid for, on those 2 occasions sound as if there were external factors, not that she was deliberately not doing as you'd asked iykwim.

Re meals/snacks, I would reiterate it to her if it is such a big deal. Maybe your dc sees what the others are having and asks to have the same? Would it be such a big thing if he had meals with the others?

The getting ready to go home thing, again, reiterate it, explain why it's an issue for you, maybe she doesn't realise what a pain it is for you?

Good childminders are not always easy to find, and if your son really loves it there, do you really want to have find someone else and have to go through the whole settling in routine again?

AmandaWrassleworth Tue 22-Jan-13 20:02:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gigondas Tue 22-Jan-13 20:05:07

She doesn't work exclusively for you- if you want the level of attention to your dc get a nanny.

cathpip Tue 22-Jan-13 20:05:14

And you think a nursery will take him to his activity, have him ready to go at collection time, put him down for a nap at the right time and only feed him what you have provided, well good luck trying to find a nursery that can do all that, and as pp has pointed out your son loves her.... Maybe you should employ a nanny.

ReetPetit Tue 22-Jan-13 20:05:18

lol lol lol lol grin at you op!!!

it is people like you that make me really want to give up childminding.

Funniest post I have read on MN in a long while! thanks for the laugh.

sausagesandwich34 Tue 22-Jan-13 20:06:13

She's not one of your staff, she's a childcare provider looking after several children in a home setting
Sounds like you would do better with a nanny!

AmandaWrassleworth Tue 22-Jan-13 20:07:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ReetPetit Tue 22-Jan-13 20:07:30

or even better op - stay home yourself - clearly know one can live up to your excellent standards wink


Figgygal Tue 22-Jan-13 20:09:13

Agee with gigondas maybe a nanny would suit you better confused

Gigondas Tue 22-Jan-13 20:11:01

You have no idea what he is eating you only have her word for it- does she not keep a diary with food in? If you don't trust that your issue with her is more fundamental.

She has other children- either get there early or live with it.

The class thing is annoying but what did you expect her to do? Take sick dc? Leave kid in nursery?

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 22-Jan-13 20:11:37

Clearly it's a reverse OP.

Jollyb Tue 22-Jan-13 20:11:43

It takes 2 minutes to put on a coat and shoes if that. . You can't really say that it cuts into your evening. I use the time to chat with our childminder and find out about my daughter's day.

gobblegobs Tue 22-Jan-13 20:11:51

I think you are expecting her to do what a nanny would! She has other dc in her care too...a childminder is not one to one.

BranchingOut Tue 22-Jan-13 20:12:25

Lunch - just remind her, but unless he has allergies or the food she was feeding was unhealthy, then it does not seem a huge problem.

Missed class - that is the nature of having somebody else take your child to a class, especially a CM. The reasons she missed the class were very valid - what did you expect her to do?

Having to go inside to fetch your child - well, this is a somewhat suprising complaint! How is she supposed to know exactly when you are coming? He will be sweltering if he sits around in outdoor clothes. Also, it is a good thing for you to go inside, chat to her, see the environment, say hello to the other children. Your son will see that you value and are interested in what goes on there - there is a lot of evidence around the importance of parents being involved in their children's learning and development.

ReetPetit Tue 22-Jan-13 20:13:29

you still only have her word for it when your dc comes home with an empty lunch box, surely? hmm how do you know she hasn't binned it and fed him a pot noodle? you clearly have trust issues with her. you don't sound like you should be using a childminder's services to be honest. poor woman, i feel sorry for her - i'm surprised she hasn't given you notice....

NatashaBee Tue 22-Jan-13 20:14:20

I also think you would be better off with a nanny - except that you'd have to pay them ten pounds or more an hour instead of the (presumably) much lower rate you're paying your CM. Regarding point 1, i don't think you would be unreasonable to ask her to give you a diary of what he's eaten each day. Other than that... you are being a bit precious. How much can a few minutes putting his coat on and getting his bag really 'cut into your evening'? grin

sillymillyb Tue 22-Jan-13 20:14:35

Surely the most important thing is that your dc loves her? That they are happy?

HSMM Tue 22-Jan-13 20:14:43

She provides a service, you decide if you like it. She doesn't work for you. I would not take a child to a regular activity and I have seen children very distressed by eating different food to everyone else. If you always pick up at precisely the same time, then maybe she could have your child in coat and shoes, but another child might need something just as she is about to do it, which would make her late.

lopsided Tue 22-Jan-13 20:15:31

I don't think a child minder is for you, or a nursery. If you want this level of micro management you need to be the sole employer and will therefore need a nanny.

While a good childminder or nursery will try to accommodate your wishes you should have selected the setting based on what they were already undertaking. You sound like a bit of a nightmare to be honest.

Gigondas Tue 22-Jan-13 20:16:31

Also don't kid yourself that with a nanny or another cm your concerns would disappear - the problem here is your attitude not the cm.

I opened this thinking it would be one about accidents, unhappy kid etc but by your own admission your ds is happy. It is hard handing your dc over to someone else as they won't do things exactly as you do (I know I have struggled). You have to pick your battles - nothing you have mentioned seems worth being hassled about.

BackforGood Tue 22-Jan-13 20:17:13

What woahthere said in the first reply.
You are not her employer, she is self employed and you are choosing to use her services, but she also has responsibilities to other childen, and needs to be trusted to make the decisions she has to make throughout the day.
Like ReetPetit - if you speak to her in the same demanding way you have posted here, I'm surprosed she hasn't given you notice, tbh.

Coconutty Tue 22-Jan-13 20:18:10

Sorry but you sound like a total nightmare, I am surprised that she hasn't sacked you by now, she must dread seeing you. PFB, yes?

Strictly1 Tue 22-Jan-13 20:18:59

I'm afraid that you come across as impatient, rude and intolerant. Yes, you pay her, but she has others, and in all honesty, does not seem to be doing anything to be spiteful or difficult. Moaning that he's not ready when you go to collect him seems a bit much. Surely you can spend a few moments getting him ready and asking about his day? Sadly I don't think anyone would live up to your unrealistic standards.

diddlediddledumpling Tue 22-Jan-13 20:20:13

"She doesn't seem to be prioritising my wishes at all"
Why should she? She has other children to look after and other parents' wishes. Childminders have to balance everyone's needs.

MirandaWest Tue 22-Jan-13 20:20:23

I am also wondering if this is a reverse OP...

ReetPetit Tue 22-Jan-13 20:20:41

lol at coconutty grin i'm sorry op but this thread has given me such a laugh although i'm sure its no laughing matter for your poor childminder having to deal with you day in day out...

anewyear Tue 22-Jan-13 20:20:45

Had you thought about having a nanny rather than a childminder?
Sorry but a LIST that was non negotiable? Can you give us an example

The thing is, Childminders, unless your lucky, tend to have more than one baby or toddler, they therefore have to think of the needs of prehaps one or more children?

The food 'issue', have you spoken to your CM about it since?
Unfortunatly children often 'like' what other children maybe eating and so may not want to eat what is lovingly made for them?
CM may rather, he eat something rather than nothing, unless there are food alergies involved?

The 'Nap' issue, That may not be possible if theyre out and about at toddler groups etc It is quite possible he has a nap, but not at his usual time as he would at home? If so is the issue he does not sleep till llate at night?

Would you rather he stays indoors all day, rather than getting fresh air/exploring the world out side said door?

I would assume from your post that you re always on time, dropping off and picking up?
alot of parents are not and it is not always possible, especially if you have more than one child being picked up[ at the same time, to have them ready and waiting.
also the risk of said child overheating possibly.

Just a few thoughts

lechatnoir Tue 22-Jan-13 20:21:10

You need a nanny.You pay a childminder to care for your child(ren) alongside others usually including their own & unless you are paying yours a premium, you need to accept that she needs to consider the needs of all the children not just yours. You do not employ a CM, they are self-employed so by definition will set their own routine, activities, mealtime arrangements etc to best suit them & children.
WRT your 3 issues as a CM my response is:
1. I don't allow any parent to send in snacks or meals because it's a total PITA when I'm serving up a nice healthy soup & they all prefer the look of another child's packed lunch or vica versa it's never fun being the odd one out as a child sad. The fact he's eaten some of it suggests to me he's given his packed lunch but sometime prefers the look of something else on the table and frankly, as long as this isn't an allergy issue & her meals are healthy I'd be grateful she's happy to include him like this without charging you extra!

2. See above about needing a nanny. A CM is responsible for the welfare and wellbeing of other children including her own (which presumably you knew about when you started) and health + safe collection of others trumps weekly class of your child by a long long way. YABVVU on this point.

3. Are you always there on the dot at the same time every night? Do you not want a quick catch up about your DC's day? If it bothers you that much tactfully it again but remember she might also have 2/3/4 other children to get ready for home at the same time so cut her some slack or get a nanny!!

The other niggles:
Car seat - faffing about changing car seats would drive me insane and what is she suppose to do with your child & any others in her care whilst changing car seats (imagine if all parents did this!) as you cannot leave them indoors on their own.

Nap times - see above about needing a nanny. She will have other routines to manage, school runs to do, meals to make/serve, nappies to change, activities to manage etc etc and your DC's nap time might not be a your preferred time but if he's with her 5 days & you 2, why not work with her and ask when is a good time for her.

Actually, not sure why I wrote all that as really all I want to say is.....CHRIST you sound like a nightmare parent. And get a nanny grin

RubyrooUK Tue 22-Jan-13 20:21:26

As someone who also uses childcare, I think you're being a bit inflexible, Amanda.

Surely one reason to choose a CM is the home environment? This normally means eating what is prepared by the adult there and your DC joining in with the home activities (which may mean sometimes not being ready to go at a precise time).

I think if you want a service that puts all your wants/needs above the general rhythm of the CM environment, then I'd recommend a nanny so you can have things how you want them.

On the point of the course, yes, that's annoying and I'd be irritated too. But I'd probably decide this was one of the issues with a shared childcare environment and give up on the course (depending on how important to you and your DC it is).

RuchedCurtain Tue 22-Jan-13 20:22:42

You sound like hard work imo.

I think meals are sociable experiences, and having to eat separate foods just because you don't trust her to accurately report (this is an issue in itself, if you don't trust her on this...) is unfairly isolating for your dc.

Getting him ready in advance of your arrival - what if you were delayed, how would your dc feel all togged up waiting for you? I like that time in the cm hallway to catch up on dds' day.

I think it's pretty unusual for a cm to take your dc to a class - more what a nanny would do. With all truly paid classes I've always accepted that we''ll miss a few and factored that intimidate the cost.

The level of pandering to your precise wishes that you're looking for would be best found with a nanny at much greater cost. There is no way a nursery would come out any better on your picky points.

Wereonourway Tue 22-Jan-13 20:23:04

I don't think anyone is going to live up to your standards op.
I understand that as a mum you want ds taken care of in certain ways, I felt the same when ds first started nursery at 6 months.

I have also been a nanny and feel that even if you emplyed a nanny you wouldn't be happy because as much as you stipulate other people are going to do things differently.

You don't mention anything about how your dc is at all, does he seem happy and settled? I think you need to look at things from this angle rather than your own.

If he's had a lovely day then is 2 minutes spent chatting to childminder whilst you dress him really too much to ask??

My ds has just turned 2, as much as I'd bloody love him to nap at the same time each day it doesn't happen!

As for the group I think the childminders reasons are more than valid, she's not just duffing it off cos she can't be arsed!

If your child was the ill one would you like him to be taken to a group cos another mum insisted?? If your dc's school closed would you like childminder to not turn up to pick him up because they were at a group with another mindee??

I feel sorry for your childminder to be honest. It's a bloody hard job and you are picking no positives up whatsoever.

cansu Tue 22-Jan-13 20:23:13

This must be a joke surely? if not then OP you are completely mad!
1 if your ds wants to eat what other minders are having then let him. The only exception to this should be if he has special allergies or she serves very unhealthy food.
2. She is doing you a big favour taking him to the class. Childminders don't generally do this as they have to consider the needs and other interests of the other children they care for. Picking up a child from nursery would take precedence over your class.
3 the end of the day is very busy. Having your dc in his coat and shoes waiting for you is perhaps not tactical for her or comfy for your dc. Plenty of women and men put on their child's coat, find their bag and get them in the car after a days work and survive. It is called being a parent. You are not collecting your Marks and Sparks food order!

If you can't cope get a nanny, though I have the feeling you will need a very very patient nanny.

anewyear Tue 22-Jan-13 20:24:09

Hmm, ex post with alot of others
Noone else had posted when I started typing my

Agree with others - and I wasn't this picky about how my Nanny looked after DS!

BananaPie Tue 22-Jan-13 20:24:53

Must be a joke / reverse op!

anewyear Tue 22-Jan-13 20:25:33


AmandaWrassleworth Tue 22-Jan-13 20:27:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charmingbaker Tue 22-Jan-13 20:27:30

Have you looked into a nanny, a childminder looks after a group of children and has to act in the best interest of all the children. As others have said she is not your staff. I think you need to be a little flexible in how you expect people to care for your DC, most parents enjoy having a quick chat about their DCs day whilst coats and shoes are being put on.

Booyhoo Tue 22-Jan-13 20:28:03

you dont talk to your sons CMer at the end of his day there to find out how he was, what he did, whether he had a good day or a bad day, any special comments?

why the hell not?

Catrin Tue 22-Jan-13 20:28:30

Change into pyjamas for naps???

lechatnoir Tue 22-Jan-13 20:28:59

lol @ Marks & Sparks food order. Just getting me wine ready, can't wait for op to respond grin

Booyhoo Tue 22-Jan-13 20:30:02

you want him in pjs for a nap at his cmer's?

hat and sunscreen is common sense. dont patronise the woman!

AmandaWrassleworth Tue 22-Jan-13 20:31:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmandaWrassleworth Tue 22-Jan-13 20:32:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peanutbutterfingers Tue 22-Jan-13 20:33:28

Wasn't going to comment but seriously, not go out in dirty clothes? He's 2, he should be getting dirty!

Your demands are completely unreasonable for a childminder. If you want that level of control you need a nanny.

So much more I could say but would be echoing above. You need to relax. A lot.

missusmrs Tue 22-Jan-13 20:33:33

Made me giggle thanks!

RubyrooUK Tue 22-Jan-13 20:33:56

I think phoning your CM in the evening is really unreasonable. I work evenings when necessary but I would hate it if my boss called me during my family time. If you are normally early, why not spend a few minutes talking to her then?

Are you actually serious? Muddy trousers? pyjamas for naps?!

Gigondas Tue 22-Jan-13 20:34:52

Dummy yes - pyjamas not so much. I would take time when you are getting ready to talk to her- you won't get same level of feeling (or see how ds is with her) on phone.

As for dirty clothes- kids get dirty. Wait til he starts preschool- buy him some rough and tumble stuff to wear there.

Jollyb Tue 22-Jan-13 20:34:56

Wouldn't it be easier to talk to her when you collect him? Your childminder probably wants to relax in the evening too and not spend time on the phone to parents.

TheDarkSideOfTheSpoon Tue 22-Jan-13 20:35:00

You don't employ a cm, they are self employed and therefore their routine, services and terms are up to them. You met her and presumably discussed all that before signing the contract did you not?

I am not a cm, but my eldest DC does go to a wonderful cm 2 days a week, I wouldn't dream or dictating to her in the way you seem to be doing to yours. You chose a cm because of the home from home setting, you pay them to look after your child and you trust them to make the right decisions on your behalf whilst you are not there. If you can't trust her then you shouldn't be using her.

Surely on pick up you want to spend a minute or two chatting about your DCs day with cm? I know I'm lucky with mine as I'm usually asked in for a brew and a chat but even if I wasn't I'd want to use the coat/shoes/bag time to find out how things have gone during the day.

I've got to day that all of your other points seem unreasonable to the point of ridiculousness, for all the reasons already given by all the previous posters.

You need a nanny, although even then you may have issues until you can learn to relax a little and trust that you have chosen the best childcare provider for you and DC and therefore trust their judgement in looking after him.

Likewise, Rubyroo!

bigkidsdidit Tue 22-Jan-13 20:35:09

You phone her in the evening grin
This is a wind up isn't it

lechatnoir Tue 22-Jan-13 20:35:15

ooooh cross post.

Not go out in dirty clothes grin - if every parent said this it would require about 30 changes of clothes on a normal day which is nuts & again totally unrealistic for a cm to take on.

You're usually early & call ahead - honestly, I bet this really really get her back up. 5/6pm is most cm's manic period getting kids fed, ready for home etc and having to take a non urgent phone call like this everyday would piss me off (even more that she probably is already) !!!

RubyrooUK Tue 22-Jan-13 20:35:15

I'm still responding here OP as I'm interested but is this another silly thread like Greensleeves and the burnt cakes yesterday?

fozzy26 Tue 22-Jan-13 20:35:34

I think you are a bit crazy op and out of touch with reality. Your poor child. I am a teacher and you are the type of parent who is laughed and joked about in the staff room!

NickNacks Tue 22-Jan-13 20:36:19

And don't bloody phone her every evening- now you're cutting into her time !

CPtart Tue 22-Jan-13 20:36:25

It's going to be a long hard road of parenthood ahead for you OP if you're going to get so het up over such minor issues. Pyjamas for naps ffs??? And as the mother of 2DS myself, muddy school trousers is completely the norm here!

Honestly you will look back at these niggles in a few years and laugh.

ReetPetit Tue 22-Jan-13 20:38:15

lol op, i am sorry but i think you have some issues. your poor, poor cm!! does she actually do anything of this ridiculous stuff? change into pyjamas for naps?? telling her not to take him out with muddy clothes??

she must be really hard up - personally i'd rather be skint that look aftet your pfb!!

Quite frankly I would have given you notice by now. You sound like very hard work. Sunscreen / hat I'd be insulted to be told I need to do this. PJ's for nap, no way will I wrestle with a toddler twice a day to change their clothes. Dirty clothes going out - we regularly go jumping in muddy puddles and explore woods so they would get filthy anyway. That's without the gardening and messy play we do.

I also don't allow packed lunches as this can cause friction between the children at mealtimes. We have missed classes because of weather / illness before. Parents are aware this may happen. Making sure he is ready when you collect, sorry but if another child needs to go to the loo or needs something else then you having to put your child's shoes on is tough.

A childminder is a childcare professional, I am happy to discuss your rules and wants but if they don't fit with my setting / the other children then they can't happen. ALL the CHILDREN are my priority, not petty quibbles.

fraktion Tue 22-Jan-13 20:39:01

No, it's not the point of a CM, it's the point of a nanny really.

Some things you've being very unreasonable (car seat may not fit her car safely, you want your DS to eat siffeeeent food) and some you're being a bit PFB (no dirty clothes, pjs for naps).

The thing is that you are one of her clients. She does not work exclusively for you and I don't think you've quite grasped this so you've set yourself up for disappointment because you're expecting kings which aren't part of the deal. It would be different if you'd said at the start you wanted all these things and she agreed but I suspect you've sprung mod of then on her and she hasn't known how to deal with them or let you down gently. A full and frank chat is needed but as far as I can see you need to readjust your expectations or your childcare arrangements.

navada Tue 22-Jan-13 20:39:30

Crikey - I feel sorry for the childminder.

fraktion Tue 22-Jan-13 20:40:36

X/post - you phone in the evening?!

I have done sympathy for the pj issue if that's part if your routine but you PHONE every evening?!

ReetPetit Tue 22-Jan-13 20:40:36

omg - just seen you phone her in the evening!! shock

this poor woman deserves a medal - she must have the patience of a saint - or perhaps she's running her own Samiratans line - lol lol lol grin

And as for phoning in the evening (how did i miss that!) that is totally unreasonable. The evenings are my time to spend repairing the damage the little monsters have wreaked and drinking wine with my family. If you rang up wanting to chat about your child's day when you can't spend 5 minutes putting on a coat and shoes i'd hang up on you.

Wow this has reminded me why I stopped child minding! Lovely kids, but some parents..... hmm

Your DS being changed into PJs for naps, calling her in the evening, not trusting her regarding food, judging her school aged child for having muddy trousers (ha ha ha), being put out about her picking up a mindee from nursery due to last minute closure instead of taking your ds to a class, etc etc. Can you not see how unreasonable all this is?

You need a nanny, a saintly one!

Booyhoo Tue 22-Jan-13 20:42:59

no it's not common sense. it's just extra work for the childminder who has other children to care for (how many times has she to change him in a day?!) and and extra sleep crutch that you'll have to wean him off!

wrinklyraisin Tue 22-Jan-13 20:43:21


And get a nanny.

Good luck with both.

lechatnoir Tue 22-Jan-13 20:43:42

I don't care if this is a troll/reverse Q /whatever - it's brightened up this topic & my evening no end wine

nbee84 Tue 22-Jan-13 20:44:29

I'm just shock at you phoning her in the evenings to see how your child's day went. Would you like your boss to phone you as you sit down to dinner/put your child to bed/relax with a glass of wine, to ask how a meeting went or if you typed out the invoices or had set up that conference call for the next day???

Booyhoo Tue 22-Jan-13 20:45:08

and why is it ok for her to give up her personal time in the evening to answer your questions about her son when you aren't prepared to take the 1 minute at pick-up while he's getting his coat on to ask these things?

Wereonourway Tue 22-Jan-13 20:45:29

Bloody hell. Dirty clothes!? Pyjamas for naps??
You might find that that's the only way he will settle for you op, he might just be absolutely fine with what cm does.
I really really think you need to chill out, I imagine you are worrying all day long about what he's eating/ if he's clean/ has he slept etc, am I right??
If so you must be so drained. Let your dc be a child!
If dc is safe and happy you must accept the childminders way of doing things.
It took me a few months to work this out when ds started nursery(different circumstances and I worked there making things extra difficult) but it only made me stressed.
Ds started a new nursery at 12 months and he absolutely loves it. I would absolutely trust them to decide what's best for him, in fact I couldn't speak more highly of them BUT I'm more reasonable than I was, I'm more flexible and accept that actually I might not always know what's best!
For example ds eats plums at nursery, I've seen photographic evidence of him devouring one. He practically throws plums at ne of I offer them at home.
What I'm trying to say is that just cos childminder isn't you doesn't mean she is wrong.
Please think about your approach

Athrawes Tue 22-Jan-13 20:45:29

I bend over backwards to make my CM happy - or try to. A good CM, who loves my son, is like gold dust. Love is the thing here - if mine comes home in mud or random other kids clothes it is because he has had a great time doing appropriate little kid stuff. Who on earth puts a kid into PJs for a nap! You need to grovel and wind your neck in and get a grip. Or a nanny, and then another one when that one quits!

Feelingood Tue 22-Jan-13 20:46:03

Ooh noooo no no no no op, you way off mark yabu. God help you when he starts school.

AmandaWrassleworth Tue 22-Jan-13 20:46:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floggingmolly Tue 22-Jan-13 20:46:26

How controlling are you?? She must use your car seat, naps have to be at the "right" time (probably not feasible with other mindees), sending your own food when all the others eat what's provided, enrolling your child in a class during the hours he's looked after, ignoring the fact that the childminder actually looks after other children as well as yours...
You sound like every childminder's worst nightmare, don't be too surprised if she's the one to give you notice.

viagrafalls Tue 22-Jan-13 20:46:40

Erm, can i just say, as an ex nanny that some of those demands would be a massive PITA for a Nanny as well!! Not being out in dirty clothes at age two? how many changes of clothes would you be expected to get through? I once had a Mummy that would ask me on a monday morning to 'see if you can find the visor from the Lego Knight that went missing on Saturday amazingly we are still friends

LITTLEGEEK Tue 22-Jan-13 20:46:46

I don't use a childminder but a nursery. DS is never changed for nap time and occasionally comes home with a little glitter, paint or mud from playing outside. Unless he is wet or really grubby he doesn't change his clothes. However, he has always enjoyed himself and had fun. As previous posters have said your son seems to be happy there. If you are really unhappy with the situation then perhaps a nanny would suit you better.

ReetPetit Tue 22-Jan-13 20:46:47

i agree, that is just so so wrong. totally out of order to phone someone in the evening. shows no respect for her at all. i seriously think she's got the patience of a saint or she is seriously hard strapped for cash. it can't be right. i'd be on the drink by now personally....

TheDarkSideOfTheSpoon Tue 22-Jan-13 20:47:20

Pjs for naps is just not practical. Why not just allow her to find the best way of getting him off to sleep? Chances are she's more experienced than you with this anyway seeing as she's the professional.

Dirty clothes are par for the course with a toddler, tbh if my dd came home without splodges of mud/paint/glitter I'd be surprised.

Remember she's there to care for ALL of the children in her setting, not just yours, and will sometimes need to prioritise. The bottom line is that you trust her to do so, and by telling her basic common sense actions are 'non negotiable' you are probably being quite insulting.

Don't phone her in the evening, that's her time. How would you like your boss to call you every night for a daily debrief when you're just about to tuck into your dinner?

HSMM Tue 22-Jan-13 20:47:32

I would not use your car seat, because I don't know its history and I have perfectly good car seats in my car. I tell parents in advance that their children will almost certainly come home grubby ... it's a sign they've had a good time

Coconutty Tue 22-Jan-13 20:48:13

Nah, you went too far OP, I was willing to believe this wasn't a wind up but you blew it.

Try harder next time.

BackforGood Tue 22-Jan-13 20:48:15

tbh, I'm not convinced a Nanny would want to be following some of these things........ hmm

You've got some quite harsh responses on here (read as a whole - no-one's been nasty, just a bit of a shock I should imagine if you think what you are saying is normal), but perhaps you should take on board that these things really, really aren't things people would expect a CM to be doing.

I've had 3 dc - never put them in PJs for a daytime nap
I expect children to come out of school / playgroup / nursery looking ruffled and with mud or paint or dinner on them. If they never do, I'd be wondering why not
The car seat changing is completely impractical - she's a CM! She already has a seat in the car. She doesn't need to be taking it out, to put another one in all the time. Who is minding the children while she did this each day?
Sun hat and sun screen are standard practice, and I doubt if they are an issue at this time of year
The food seems completely unnecessary. She is looking after and feeding 3 or more children, she needs to be able to feed them all the same thing.
The class - well there was a valid reason for both classes she missed. It happens in life. It's not worth getting upset over.

Hope this helps.

ReetPetit Tue 22-Jan-13 20:48:40

god op, get over yourself. you even call her when you know he's asleep in the day - so the poor woman can't even eat her bloody lunch or have a cup of tea without you bothering her. Jesus, that's just mental torture.

Karoleann Tue 22-Jan-13 20:48:43

I think you're being a bit ridiculous too, as the other posters have put, she is not your employee. They are very minor issues, it would be much easier for you too if your son ate at the childminder.
However, she did agree to your terms before you took your son and I'm sure she'd like to keep your little one, so just mention all your concerns nicely and see what happens.
If you're still not happy, then you can decide whether just go with it or move him, though I would certain ally go with a nanny.

HecateWhoopass Tue 22-Jan-13 20:49:25

Please stop calling her in the evening.

Either that or pay her for the time you take out of her evening.

I find it amusing and a little shocking that you complain that she doesn't have him ready because this cuts into your evening, yet in the next breath you inform us how you call her, interrupting HERS! Don't you get it?


Stop it or pay her for her time.

A few minutes to get his coat etc on is not a big deal.


two classes missed is not a big deal. Missed for genuine reasons. 1 snow and 1 sick child. What did you want? Her to go out with a sick child? To trudge all the children through snow? To pay you back for the classes?


Food - I am a little more on your side on this one, but only from a wastage pov. I am fairly sure that she isn't feeding the other children lard pizza with crack coke, grin but it will be good, healthy food. Childminders have to. But if you are providing food then yes, it is better that he eats it. It's wasteful not to. So ask her to please give it to him because you don't like food waste.

Either that or stop sending him with it and trust that a childcare professional knows enough to know how to feed a child healthy snacks and food!

fivesacrowd Tue 22-Jan-13 20:49:37

I just hope your cm comes and reads this and gives you notice. Your son is happy there and you are being totally unreasonable. She's not your employee, she offers a service which quite frankly you don't deserve.

MousyMouse Tue 22-Jan-13 20:49:40

she is not your staff, op.
maybe you should employ a nanny, though.

nbee84 Tue 22-Jan-13 20:50:53

Have to agree with viagrafalls - I'm a nanny and I wouldn't be happy working for a parent who expected a lot of the things that you are asking.

I had some cringeworthy fairly specific PFB requests with DS1 and the nursery we use accommodated almost all of them, if not all.

I might be going against the tide a little here but don't think it is unreasonable to start at the point of asking for what you want. If this childminder isn't on your wavelength then no you're not particularly unreasonable to think about looking elsewhere as it is bloody irritating when you feel like you're not being heard.

However.... as others have said, focus on what is really important. your child is safe? stimulated? and happy there? that one counts for a LOT and good childminders are worth their weight in gold, even more so when chidren get to school age.

SavoyCabbage Tue 22-Jan-13 20:53:08

Or a nanny and housekeeper. For all the mud and pyjama washing.

A fleet of Norland nannies maybe would solve this.

IAmLouisWalsh Tue 22-Jan-13 20:53:18

PFB, much?

Good luck on the dirty clothes when he starts school.

sittinginthesun Tue 22-Jan-13 20:55:40

Norland Nannies wouldn't stand for this. I am related to one, and it's her rules or else!

Oh, Lordy OP.

That poor CM. She must really like your DS to put up with you smile

Booyhoo Tue 22-Jan-13 20:56:30

i think she should start charging you for calls like solicitors do!

and your son might sleep during the day, but that doesn't mean she is free to talk to you! she probably has dishes to wash, toys to tidy up, meals to prepare other dcs to care for, paperwork to complete.

ReetPetit Tue 22-Jan-13 20:59:11

i had a parent come to see me once. Said she would let me know whether she wished to take the place.... well, i'd let her know by the time she got home, via email, that the place was no longer available. every cm's worst nightmare. this kind of parent. that's the thing about working and childcare, you have to learn to let go a little, and if you can't - do work and don't use childcare!!

actually wondering if this is a wind up. surely no one would be so unreasonable and self centered?? oh well, it's given be a good laugh that's for sure so thanks for that op, whoever you are!! grin

fuckwittery Tue 22-Jan-13 21:00:15

Gosh. I think problem here is your expectations. CM charges way less than a nanny (4 pounds per hour as opposed to 10 to 12 pounds ish an hour for a nanny I am guessing?). You therefore need to understand that the service you pay for involves your child being looked after by a person who also has to meet the needs of other children. I'm not sure you have thought about this AT ALL.

What was your CM meant to do when her daughter was ill re your child's class? CM should have also IMO warned you that there may be occasions she could not take your son to this class because if other children - she's also really limited herself taking another preschool child at this time whose parent is not happy to pay for the class so I'm surprised she ever agreed. Please have a long hard think about what your cm does day in day out with the other children and consider how much harder you are making her life with your demands.

Re snacks, it's really good social skills for a child to sit at a table with other children for a snack etc and bizarre if they are all having apple but hes got rice cake and wants an apple. I think you need to borrow some other children for a day and try having more than one to obsess over!

ZooAnimals Tue 22-Jan-13 21:01:03

Ok OP here is a plan of action;

1) Go to the doctor and see if they can prescribe you a grip.

2) Buy your childminder some flowers/chocolates and a 'Sorry I'm such a pain in the arse' card.

3) Forget about the Pj's, the slightly different nap time, the fact that he has missed his class twice in 6 months, that he hasn't had his coat on twice in 6 months, the food and everything else that just doesn't matter at all in the slightest and focus on you child being loved and happy.


Leave your job and look after him yourself because no-one will ever be able to do things right for you.

OnlyWantsOne Tue 22-Jan-13 21:02:59

You wait til he starts school!!

ReetPetit Tue 22-Jan-13 21:03:45

ZooAnimals - you are so right smile

knackeredmother Tue 22-Jan-13 21:05:07

Not read them all but it sounds like you need a nanny, although I don't even exert that level of control over my nanny.

I think that if the childminders had to do all that for all the kids she's never leave the house. Would u rather she took them
Out to the park or stay home playing musical car seats and creating multiple washing piles after changing every kid for a splash of mud. If they r grubby they have had fun. I'm
Old school I love seeing kids wet and muddy from
Puddle jumping and I love seeing babies with big grins with carrot on their face. Kids r never clean. FACT!! It's clear the difference between play dirt and not being washed at all dirt. Fgs dd spent two years at pre school covered in glitter mud and paint.

ilove Tue 22-Jan-13 21:12:36

Howling with laughter. Sorry. <slaps self> <giggles>

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 22-Jan-13 21:12:55

Wow! High maintenance!

Booyhoo Tue 22-Jan-13 21:13:42

oh can you just imagine the poor CMer having to change bloody carseats everyday she has OP's ds? with all the dcs standing on the drive waiting for her to get all the straps done properly!

that's madness OP. you have to see that?

Booyhoo Tue 22-Jan-13 21:14:54

imagine if all her mindees parents demanded she use their carseats! chaos. the woman would no doubt give up her job.

ISeeSmallPeople Tue 22-Jan-13 21:16:58

On the plus side you certainly give her something to talk about with other CMs at playgroup. grin

TheFallenNinja Tue 22-Jan-13 21:17:48

Just another boss who thinks that everything can be done better, cheaper, faster.

First world problems eh.

Are you joking?

I'd look very carefully at your contract before discussing any of these issues with the CM. What notice period does she have to give you? Do you have an alternative set up if she serves you notice? If I was your CM then I would be seriously considering it.

The car seat thing is just dangerous as there is a massive risk of it being incorrectly fitted if it is being switched all the time.

If an 8-5.30 day is exhausting you then you should see a doctor. You should also try to reduce how much you are doing yourself - what about stopping preparing all your DS's food for the day each day?

Step back and think about what is important for your DS, not what is important for you.

thesnootyfox Tue 22-Jan-13 21:26:20

There are a lot of Jimmy Hill threads on Mumsnet today.

fieldfare Tue 22-Jan-13 21:27:25

Wow. Goodness me. I'm viewing the parents I have with new eyes and adoring every single one of them. They are relaxed, enjoy coming into my home and seeing what their children have made/drawn/baked/done that day. They TRUST me to look after their children as well as I do my own.
One of them even stayed this afternoon for a cuppa and a chat as her dd was in the middle of a game!
I dislike serving packed lunches to the children, if possible I prefer them to eat the same, home cooked, healthy and nutritious meal that I have prepared.
Yes nap times may vary, if you want a rigid routine give up work and do it yourself.

Your "rules" are unreasonable.

lechatnoir Tue 22-Jan-13 21:30:46

As fun as it's been, I agree thesnootyfox

skaen Tue 22-Jan-13 21:33:06

Op, I work similar hours to you and have a nanny for my 2dcs. I think the only things I would expect my nanny to do from your list would be take DS to classes unless there was a very good reason why not; and to be ready to go home herself very soon after I get home because I do not cut into her own time. You might get a nanny to do everything on your list, but will you trust her?

The only real thing that matters with childcare IMO is that your children are happy and have a bond with their main carer.

missmapp Tue 22-Jan-13 21:34:39

I can understand why you want your dc ready to leave the instant you arrive at the cms , that would make my triphome much quicker aswell BUT talking to your cm, interacting with your dc and the cm together, chatting with other mindees- these are all vital for a good working relationship with your cm- this cannot be done the evening, it is not fair or right.

The food thing is tricky, she did agree to giving your food, but I can imagine your dc asking for the cooked/provided food and that makes things hard.

I cant see class working with a cm, due to the issues you have mentioned, but if it was pre- agreed , I would ask again- however, I would re-think booking the next term.

missmapp Tue 22-Jan-13 21:37:47

Oh, and the dirty clothes thing is madness, no child can leave full day child care spotless- if they do, they have not had an active enough day!!

missmapp Tue 22-Jan-13 21:38:25

activity even!!

minderjinx Tue 22-Jan-13 21:39:13

I feel sorry for nannies every time I read "You are selfish and demented - you should get a nanny" !

ReetPetit Tue 22-Jan-13 21:41:00

out of interest op - assuming you are a genuine poster - what reason do you have for wanting your ds in pyjamas for day time sleeps???

doublecakeplease Tue 22-Jan-13 21:41:37

Oh my - there are lots of points i think you're being unreasonable on. My DS (11months) goes to nursery 2 days per week. The only things i am bothered about are that he's happy and fed. I trust them implicitly and i think socialization is a big part of childcare. Children should eat together and share like foods - it's a nice part of the day. Waiting, taking turns is also important. Setting your little one up to think life for all of the other children should stop at his nap time / when its the precise time to get his coat on is wrong.

Ringing on a night is unfair - unless it's part of the contract.

colditz Tue 22-Jan-13 21:46:58

If I was your childminder, Amanda, I'd have sacked you. You sound awful.

This may come as a surprise to you, but your child isn't the most important child in that setting. They are all important. It sounds like you want him to be treated differently to all the other children, why would you want this?

colditz Tue 22-Jan-13 21:48:04

And seriously, it is not at all normal to put a child in night clothes for a day time nap, break this habit as soon as possible.

DIYapprentice Tue 22-Jan-13 21:57:08

Oh please don't let this be a genuine poster!!!! You need a nanny, not a child minder. (If you can get one that won't walk out after 1 day!!!)

Really? Really? Is there any chance whatsoever that this isn't a wind up?

(This is the first time that I've ever suggested that - too wimpy and scared of being deleted - but phoning in the evening? PJs for naps? Come on!)

ReetPetit Tue 22-Jan-13 22:02:08

just searched and this is ops only post so quite possibly a wind up.

was very funny though - and as a childminder, take it from me, there is the odd one or two parents out there like this - a total pita - but i'm sure eventually they realise this for themselves - like when pfb goes to school or something and becomes one of errm, 30 or so wink

doublecakeplease Tue 22-Jan-13 22:03:39

Tbh i think you may have just been a little naive rather than unreasonable. I've nite used childcare until recently and had no idea what's 'normal' however i work in education so understand the dynamics of lots of children together.

I think some realistic advice from child minders or those who use them would help rather than the usual 'you're mad' crap.

AmandaWrassleworth Tue 22-Jan-13 22:15:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NickNacks Tue 22-Jan-13 22:16:56

Thank god!! smile

nonameslefttouse Tue 22-Jan-13 22:17:53

It isn't a child minder, nanny or nusery needed!

ZooAnimals Tue 22-Jan-13 22:19:18

Show her this thread!

Although reverse AIBU are bad form, so you should probably go to time out for that tbh hmm

and the ringing you in the evening is a grey area if you're family.

ReetPetit Tue 22-Jan-13 22:21:46

great news Amanda!! no apologies needed - I am so glad it's you and not some other poor cm if you know what I mean! hmm at least she's your sister so hopeful so you can tell her to shut up/bog off whatever without her getting too offended!! (hopefully!)
and do start turning your phone off in the evenings wink

colditz Tue 22-Jan-13 22:21:49

You are on the thinking chair for a long time young lady.

Seriously, your sister's a dick.

ReetPetit Tue 22-Jan-13 22:24:14

truly though op - your sister sounds awful - does she have issues?? hmm how can you put off with it? do you need it? personally, i would tell her to go elsewhere!

I'm not sure that the other points are more ridiculous - I think seeing Father Christmas is a parent trip, not a CM trip and the party food depends on the frequency, but if it is more than very occassional then I would be irritated as, again, I think treats like that are for home/special occassions. Hair bobble/dummy is ridiculous.

millymae Tue 22-Jan-13 22:24:52

Just a thought OP if you didn't have to prepare food for your son everyday you'd have a bit more time in the evenings and wouldn't need to be in so much of a rush at pick up ...........

I know how much there is to do when you work full-time and have a child or two, but for everyone's sake you need to chill out a bit and trust the childminder to look after your son properly. I never went as far as pyjamas for naps but I do admit to leaving a sleeping bag for my dd to sleep in when I first went back to work. My CM indulged me for a while but then told me that I could save myself some washing as when it was nap time my dd was happy to copy everyone else and just lie down on her mattress on the floor and go to sleep!

DIYapprentice Tue 22-Jan-13 22:25:29

Hmm, you've posted about her awhile ago, haven't you Amanda? Doesnt sound as though things have changed. WHY are you still putting yourself through this?

lechatnoir Tue 22-Jan-13 22:26:07

Oh boo I knew it grin

I think for your sanity, professional standing & relationship to survive long term you need a serious talk a la..." I love looking after your kids but you are driving me insane. I'm a childminder to yours and other children & simply don't have the time, patience or energy to follow your demands and if this is going to work going forward I need to separate our personal & professional relationship and treat you like a client & enforce all the normal rules I would with other parents which means:
1. No more bringing snacks or food.
2. No more ringing me during working hours unless it's an emergency early pick up of more than half an hour.
3. No more ringing me out of hours - if you want to know how DN's day has been we chat at pick up or use a contact book.
4. No more using your car seat.
5. No more dictating what I do or don't do during the day.
6. No more questioning my judgement.
7. Trust me to do the best for your child because I'm a bloody good cm AND aunty.

Good luck grin

millymae Tue 22-Jan-13 22:27:13

Posted too late this one I see. Your sister is lucky to have you Amanda!!

shesariver Tue 22-Jan-13 22:36:41

So you let your sister talk to you like dirt and its all ok because you "adore" her and your nieces. Well thats all all-right then eh?!

ReetPetit Tue 22-Jan-13 22:39:49

am inclined to agree with shesariver op - do you really need that kind of treatment? would you not rather work with parents who appreciate you. the fact she's family doesn't give her the right to make your life a misery.

Booyhoo Tue 22-Jan-13 22:40:41

Well all I can say is that you are a saint to put up with that from your sister. I'm in the process of setting up a business and my own dsis recently informed me that my services to her would be free of charge. I politely wished her good luck in her endeavours grin. If she's not demanding about it she'll get discount but no way am I giving business time up for her for nothing! I think you should show your sister this thread or at very least inform her of what you are willing to do and let her decide if she is willing to accept the terms of your business.

FunnysInLaJardin Tue 22-Jan-13 22:45:44

my DC comes home with an empty lunch box every day. I suspect that she bins what he doesn't eat and he has the treat box instead. I am not worried because we love her and she looks after my children as if they were her own.

FunnysInLaJardin Tue 22-Jan-13 22:46:59

ah a reverse AIBU. Are you Reality?

bonkersLFDT20 Tue 22-Jan-13 22:47:33

Talking about nursery care, my nursery certainly would give my son food I provided if I wished.

I guess if I had a specific reason to need him ready at a certain time (e.g a conference call that finishes 10 minutes before my bus leaves) they would do their utmost to support me.

For nap time, while they do their best at nursery they really need to fit in the routine, but they really support parents. At nearly 4 my son will still have a nap which I love (means we get more time in the evening). He went through a phase of not having one and he was a bear in the evening, so the nursery worked on encouraging him to have a sleep and bosh....naps are back!

It's about flexibility both ways really.

DeepRedBetty Tue 22-Jan-13 23:00:15

Well I wasn't actually expecting that particular twist OP. Thought it might be reverse... but not the sister bit.

This is why I don't do petcare services for SIL's sweet but a bit over-sexed dogs, instead I persuaded her to use another doggy daycare agency, and I don't use my own sister's perfectly good cleaning agency for my cleaning, but cough up for another local company once a week. also didn't want her staff reporting back to dsis what a state the place was in

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 23-Jan-13 00:35:51

I was thinking this must be a wind up grin

Just proves my rule of never work for friends or family

Your sister is insane and obv needs a nanny who she can micromanage (if they allow that)

All the issues from food - to pjs for naps - to not allowing eat the same as others - car seat swapping - ringing in eve to find out things - being ready in shoes and coats etc

Tbh your sister is probably acting like this as she is your sister and thinks she can take the piss

Don't allow her smile

andrea315 Wed 23-Jan-13 00:57:37

Is this a joke if I were minding your poor son you would have had notice by now find a nanny if one will have you ! Part of growing up is muddy fields and parks exploring tasting new things and having fun if my parents pick muddy children up they are happy they have had a great day oh and none of my minded children ever want to go home !! Think you might need to relax a bit or school will be a shock !

andrea315 Wed 23-Jan-13 00:59:42

Just seen your post show her this you poor woman x

Mimishimi Wed 23-Jan-13 04:15:16

From reading your initial post and subsequent responses OP, I think you would be better off with a nanny. She is not your employee, she is self employed. And like any other customer, if you are not happy with the service she provides, you can take your business elsewhere. To take him to a class she would have to bundle up two or three other small children, drop him and then do it all over again to pick him up. I am surprised she agreed to do it but if she's only missed it twice, she's doing pretty well! The food I can sort of understand because we also have dietary restrictions and the same thing was happening with our son at his nursery. However, I thought about it a bit more and decided to let it go because if it was hugely important to me, I would have put him in one that observed those restrictions themselves. The third 'niggle' is ridiculous - all the children at the nursery are expected to have their coats, hats etc put on by the parents and I can't think of one instance where the parent requested that the child be got ready because taking three minutes to do that would cut into their evening. confused

Mimishimi Wed 23-Jan-13 04:17:57

Ahhh. now I read the rest of the thread. Your sister is taking the mick. Find some other parents smile

nannynick Wed 23-Jan-13 05:19:45

Mixing family and business is hard.
Time to reassess things... if this keeps going as it is you may fall out with your sister and other family members.

HecateWhoopass Wed 23-Jan-13 06:17:23

ahh, the good old reverse AIBU grin

You know, if you're not willing to tell her you can't childmind for her any more, then you're going to have to find a way to not let how she is bother you. In one ear and out the other.

Or say to her that she's perfectly free to find another cm if she's not happy with you.

Every time she starts with one of these silly, petty little things - "if you're unhappy with the care I provide, I can give you a list of childminders in the area"

Your choices are bin her, start telling her that this is how you do things and if she doesn't like it, she has the choice to find someone else, or just take it.

wednesdaygirl Wed 23-Jan-13 07:42:14

Your post shouts me me me

Pj's for sleep time
Calling her at night


You selfish horrible women

Put your own childs coat on while asking cm about YOUR childs day

Gigondas Wed 23-Jan-13 07:47:06

Wednesdaygirl-it is a reverse aibu.

Good advice from Hecate there.

grinshockAt lost hair bobble op!!

1996timeforchange Wed 23-Jan-13 13:42:29

It's not that hard for her to put his coat andshoes on and make sure he's ready to go, surely? I've been at work all day and I want to get him and get home, I have to do dinner and bedtime and by that end of the day I'm exhausted and don't want to hang around.

The food thing, if she feeds him I have no idea what he's eaten, I only have her word for it.

Seriously, i think you need to look at your priorities here.. Iif you really feel that you can only take her work for it, do you trust her is what springs to mind.. Your lucky to have someone who care so much for your child, and believe you me if you carry on like this you'll be looking for childcare elsewhere, because she'll tell you to take a run, And who would blame her ..


SocietyClowns Wed 23-Jan-13 13:49:48


SocietyClowns Wed 23-Jan-13 13:51:38

OP, this is the kind of thing my sister would be capable of. I really think you are a mug to put up with this kind of behaviour. And please don't tell me you are giving her a discount....

BranchingOut Wed 23-Jan-13 14:09:01

Ah, so the 'reality' is a bit different!

You have posted about her before and my advice at the time was to set firmer boundaries and preferably give up childminding for your sister.

A year or more on and the situation seems to have got worse, if anything. Do you honestly want to carry on like this?

AmandaWrassleworth Wed 23-Jan-13 14:11:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmandaWrassleworth Wed 23-Jan-13 14:12:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AmandaWrassleworth Wed 23-Jan-13 14:13:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BranchingOut Wed 23-Jan-13 14:16:28

'X, you are my sister and I love you, but if you speak to me in that tone of voice over something that could be resolved reasonably and in a respectful way, then I am not sure if I want to continue our childminding arrangement.'

NellyBluth Wed 23-Jan-13 14:35:50

What about the hair bobbles, though? I'm desperate to know what she wants done with the hair bobbles...

AmandaWrassleworth Wed 23-Jan-13 14:40:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mooycow Wed 23-Jan-13 16:12:10

I had a lovely child minder for both dd and ds , ds was there from 12 weeks until senoir school.
Some things she did was not in my "rule book" but they loved her she adored them so it was easier to look away and not say anything, even my mother used to ignore any specific request if she had them
i think you need to step back look at how happy your ds is and chillax

NellyBluth Wed 23-Jan-13 16:40:56

Good lord! I've been through three packets of hair bobbles in about the past two months.

How are you sleeping, with the worry about the missing dummy?

helpyourself Wed 23-Jan-13 18:56:21

Gotta love a reverse AIBU.
Good luck OP, you sound lovely and your sister needs to unclench a mile.

HecateWhoopass Thu 24-Jan-13 07:07:36


STOP nodding and smiling.

You don't want to fall out with her, so she gets to be unreasonable and you take it?

Cementing in her mind that she is right and reasonable and you are wrong.

Stop being so meek with her!

<another slap>


Be assertive. She needs you more than you need her. all you're doing when you nod and smile is making her think that you think she's right.

Titchyboomboom Thu 24-Jan-13 14:32:21

I think you need a nanny! Many factors will be taken into consideration by a childminder trying to provide a fair and inclusive environment, and this will not always mean your child will be the priority, which isn't a bad thing! By the sound of things he wants to eat with the others and maybe it would be good if you were more involved in the environment he is in.

I hate it when parents won't come in. We have a massive emphasis in the legal framework we work by to work in partnership with parents, and it doesn't sound like that is working too well with you both.

My Ofsted inspector even said to me once that they hate lunch boxes as it causes massive issues for a childminder trying to be inclusive and children just want to eat the same thing together a lot of the time.

Katiep370123 Mon 28-Jan-13 11:56:03

Hi Amanda.
Communication. Your CM should communicate to you about the daily routines and meal times etc, she clearly hasn't communucated well or you would feel confident with her. Likewise, if you're concerned about what food you're child is being given, ask for a food log/diary, (I thought CMs were supposed to provide this anyway?). Don't turn down the free food, (if its nutritional). Car seat- unless she has an unsafe/ill fitted car seat, try not to worry.
Personally I had a very awkward CM experience with my 7 month old. My hired CM was a qualified CM and a friend of mine. I discovered that she thought CM was all about dragging the baby/toddlers around the shops while she ran her personal errands or met her friends for lunch etc, I never knew where my baby was on a daily basis because she never had a routine, he was never taken to baby group and only taken to a park a few times. He was given chips which is something I never gave him, and toddler biscuits with a honey content in them (under 1's are not supposed to have honey). Then her husband told me he'd had my son for the day as she had to do something. (She didn't want me to know). It was an awful time and the friendship was totally taken advantage of, fortunately I only needed her for 3 months but it sadly put me off CMs. I can now look after my babies myself so I'm pleased with that.
No one will do it the way you do it Amanda and I can empathise with you there, but try to have some faith, not all CMs are like the one I had lol, yours sounds quite good x

ZuleikaD Mon 28-Jan-13 12:35:09

Please folks - read the thread. This is a reverse post.

Amanda, your sister is taking the piss and treating you like dirt. I know you adore your nieces but find some parents who will appreciate your worth!

Havent read all replies but think sometimes you just have to go with the flo with these things

food issue- we used to provide for cm for our little one for cm when with old cm as she gave tinned soup or sandwiches at lunchtime so I gavea cooked tea he went from 9mths til 18mths. New childminder all meals she does and he has a cooked lunch she batch cooks so even if they have been out to toddler group all 3 pre-schoolers get a cooked lunch and tea is a sandwich or crumpets whatever really at 3.30/4pm and then he may have something with us at 6pm.

Group you pay for - surprised childminder even agreed to commit to this as if she takes on another child same age she would have to either pay for them or ask their parents to pay for them ---- reasons she didnt go those 2 weeks are perfectly reasonable one poorly child and second one due to snow.

getting on coat and shoes---- I always take my chid into minder and take his shoes and coat off and put them and his bag where they go whilst chatting about how he has been takes 2-5mins each morning I dont dump my child and run but equally leave quickly. when I collect again I get him ready whilst chatting about his day and general chit chat as have more time when I collect (4.30pm). I would never expect her to get him ready.

Above also applies to nursery he goes 2 days to nursery and 2 days to childminder.

Reaa Mon 28-Jan-13 12:59:23

Can your sister really not manage 2 mins to put DC coat on while saying Hi to you and asking how DC day has been.

Ionasky Mon 28-Jan-13 13:17:40

It's really sad that your sister doesn't know how lucky she is to have someone she can really trust looking after her kids, and family too, how-many people are that lucky? The hair bobbles and dummies thing is ridiculous (as is all the other stuff). Before I had my DD, I might have come across just like this but she should have adjusted her expectations to what's actually important by now. I suspect jealousy on her part or trying to maintain a feeling of being in control - some of this stuff also sounds like someone who just doesn't know what's important either. I can't help but agree - almost any other parent would be easier - she sounds like she's also abusing you because your family, exactly the opposite of how it should be, that's a tough situation for you as you're attached to the DN - hope it gets better.

Katiep370123 Mon 28-Jan-13 15:24:21

For some reason I couldn't see the posts about this being a reversed situation before I posted my bit!
I'm amazed this is your sister. What a shame. She obviously expects more from you, her sister. You must talk or your relationship will get worse x

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