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Nanny dilemma or how many of you nannies have had an affair with an employer?

(108 Posts)
justaphase Wed 27-Jun-07 08:16:44

I have my hard hat handy here but this is the question:

My best friend's nanny as left after 7 years and she now has to find a new one. She has interviewed 20 ladies in the last couple of weeks. She really liked one girl - she was very enthusiastic about the job and interacted with the kids well.
The problem is, she is 19 and absolutely gorgeous, according to my friend. My friend WOH quite long hours and her dh works from home. So she is having second thoughts.

Her other option is somebody who was recommended by the current nanny who my friend thought was fine but not nearly as enthusiastic and energetic as the first lady.

OK, opinions please.

CantSleepWontSleep Wed 27-Jun-07 08:24:56

Does she not trust her husband at all then? If she does then the age/condition of the nanny should be totally irrelevant.

justaphase Wed 27-Jun-07 08:35:15

I think you are right in an ideal world. But there is trusting your husband and there is sticking temptation under his nose.

I also trust my husband but we took our nanny on holiday last week, together with another family of friends. There we were, all sitting at the dinner table and both guys flirting with the nanny.

chipmonkey Wed 27-Jun-07 08:37:22

For me this wouldn't be an issue as I trust my dh 100%. But after a channel 4 programme a couple of years ago about Dads had run off with the Au pairs, a friend of mine and I were chatting at the school gates with another mum who I had only just met. She admitted that she had been the nanny for her current dp and had had an affair with him resulting in the end of his marriage. "Shit happens!" was her attitude!

MrsWobble Wed 27-Jun-07 08:48:37

i was once told that the more attractive the nanny the less likely it was to be a problem as an attractive girl would have her pick of boyfriends so a middle aged man with family ties was unlikely to rate high - obviously all situations are different and your friend needs to make her own mind up.

bozza Wed 27-Jun-07 09:03:17

Definitely see MrsWobble's pov.

nannyj Wed 27-Jun-07 09:58:52

I've never come across this and neither have any of my nanny friends in the 10 years i have been a nanny. Maybe we're all ugly though

Notquitegrownup Wed 27-Jun-07 10:06:12

No expert here, but I did know one very attractive 19 year old who fell for her employer big time.

If your friend has doubts already, I don't think it is sensible for her to put herself in a situation where her fears will be tested. If she is going to be worrying, that will raise the tension in her marriage, and then make a carefree 19 year old seem even more attractive.

MrsWobbles point is a good one, but only if they are in an area where the nanny can get out and socialise a lot. If they are at all isolated I'd be inclined to agree with justaphase.

NannyL Wed 27-Jun-07 10:08:13

OMG.... i also know nobody and no of nobody... through friends of friends of friends etc who have gone off with their bosses.

Even if i did it would be the MARRIED MANS fault rather than the single young GIRL

If you don trust your husband then its YOUR problem and not your nannies

UnConfident Wed 27-Jun-07 10:09:26

Sounds like she needs to work on trust issues.

Just because someone is good looking doesn't mean that she & the dh will click.


OTOH, even girls who aren't as pretty still have lots of things to say & good personalities, so why be more worried about pretty girls than not to pretty ones.

littlelapin Wed 27-Jun-07 10:09:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TootyFrooty Wed 27-Jun-07 10:14:19

My first nanny was a complete and utter babe. Didn't worry me at all tbh (even though she started when I'd only just had ds1 and I loooked a mess). I think it depends on both the nanny and the husband. If the husband is a bit letchy and leery then no and if the nanny is uber flirty and pays more attention to the husband than the wife then no.

I don't think many nannies go into childcare with the intention of pinching someone else's husband!

TootyFrooty Wed 27-Jun-07 10:16:17

An aquaintance of dh employed a nanny who had an affair with her previous boss just "to keep his wife on her toes". Nice guy. Mind you, she was a doormat....

Quattrocento Wed 27-Jun-07 10:18:45

Am just in process of recruiting au pair. A friend of mine warned me of the "danger". I am afraid I laughed my head off.

Complacent? Moi? Damn tooting right.

justaphase Wed 27-Jun-07 10:30:03

Oooooh, NannyL, it takes two to tango!

I have a coleague (slimy git) who ran off with his nanny.

There was actually an article on this in the Sunday Times a couple of weeks ago. Why do men find nannies attractive. The just of it was - the husband is sitting through the havoc of the family morning, his overtired wife who has been up 20 times in the night with the baby shouting at the toddler and trying to get herself ready for work. Enters the nanny, fresh, smiley and rested and order reins. She is young and pretty, body not ruined by pregnancies, no emotional baggage... you get the drift.

Then from the nanny's perspective - there is something about a boss/employee relationship... I once had a crush on my boss (did not follow it through, but if he was interested... and if we were at home alone... who knows). And he was not attractive at all, just a nice chap I thought.

NannyL Wed 27-Jun-07 11:44:28

It may take 2 to tango....

But if you look at

MARRIED MAN.... Vs Young single girl then its the married man who should have more a guilty conscience than the SINGLE girl...

He is cheating on is wife.... She is not cheeting on anyone!


Sorry but if a wife cant trust her husband... and a husband cant keep his hands off the nanny then there is a problem with their marriage and nothing else.

balancingact Wed 27-Jun-07 12:28:48

single young girl having an affair with a married man - has less to be guilty of than a married man ???
..i seem to remember a small matter of the ninth commandment that went something like "thou shall not covet thy neighbour's wife/husband".
[sigh] i am such a catholic.
Sorry, in my books, both are equally culpable.

fifilou Wed 27-Jun-07 12:36:18

I can see the worry of a young gorgeous 19 something coming to work in her house and her being jealous of her looks, but come on now, where is the trust?

if the nanny is brilliant, and just what the family wanted surely she can put her worries behind her.

If shes going to trust her new nanny inwith her children, she has to trust her in all areas!

besides, would a 19 year old really fancy an older bloke with baggage?

Ive only ever heard of one affair in my 14 years of nannying, and it was a 30 year old nanny who had an affair with her nanny friends boss.

If shes really worried she could go down the route of an employer I know quite well........employ a manny! (or ugly girls oinly!!!!)

jura Wed 27-Jun-07 12:37:15

No, there is also something wrong with the young, single girl's morals.

jura Wed 27-Jun-07 12:38:59

Sorry, cross posted

AbRoller Wed 27-Jun-07 12:48:24

NannyL I have to disagree, they would both be equally guilty. She may be single and therefore not cheating on a partner but she would be fully aware that there was a wife and children, a whole family to hurt and ruin by engaging in anything with the married man - disgusting and unforgivable in IMO. To be put in a position of trust with young childrens lives and destroying them in the process, WTF?

fifilou Wed 27-Jun-07 12:52:00

Abroller, I totally agree. both parties are guilty, none of this innocent single girl rubbish.

If you have an affair with a married man, you know you are ruining someones life.

Ladymuck Wed 27-Jun-07 12:57:51

There are many steps between attraction and an affair. I think it would be hard to have someone around all the time to whom I was attracted (even if it wasn't in any way reciprocated). You end up with a slightly more intimate relationship with people who work in your home than even in the workplace. If she thinks that the nanny is of "the type" that her dh would fall for, then probably best to steer clear (assuming that her dh has a reasonably healthy libido). But not because it would inevitably lead to an affair, just because it puts more strain on a relationship. Conversely being attracted to someone outside of home can have a positive effect on your marriage.

StarryStarryNight Wed 27-Jun-07 13:00:58

My last aupair was an absolutely stunning 20 years old size 10 polish girl. It was hot, she was wearing hotpants and crop tops, I still did not worry. My husband is not even 35, fit and handsome, and a company director, I could see the appeal, but neither had any interest in eachother. I was never concerned because I trust my husband. She was here a year and my kids loves her! Totally great girl.

I think your friend need to analyze why she is so worried. Is she generally jealous and insecure? Does she have reason to?

When I was 18 a friend of a friend left to Manchester as aupair and she returned home with the family father in tow. When asked why, she just replied "I just wanted to see if I could". She booted him a few weeks later. So it definitely happens. In this instance I most certainly agree with MrsWobble!

katepol Wed 27-Jun-07 13:04:47

Even if the nanny isn't interested, and even if the wife can trust the husband not to do anything 100%, what about fantasy?

I reckon most men would at least think about the nanny in that way if she is gorgeous. Could your friend deal with that likelihood, even if she knows nothing will happen?

Maybe my dp is just a letch, but while I trust him not to stray, I know how his mind works, and I am not sure I would want that so close to home tbh...

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