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How Long to Settle In With New Nanny?

(17 Posts)
eversomuch Wed 14-Sep-16 11:17:29

Our first nanny was with our kids for over two years (since DS was 14 mo and DD was almost 3). They had a great, warm, loving relationship; nanny was energetic, artistic, really immersed herself in the role and within our family.

Sadly she has moved on to a new career. (Yay for her!)

We've just started with someone new last week and DS (now nearly 4) is really taking time to adjust. The new nanny has a very different style and personality -- much more reserved and tends to stand back more rather than dive in, from what I can tell. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it can be good for the kids to learn that people have different styles and personalities. I also recognise that it's an adjustment for me too. I miss our old nanny. But I want them to have a warm relationship and I'm not getting much of that vibe yet. DS is having trouble with the change; DD seems fine.

The new nanny has moved here from another country, where she worked in preschools for several years, so she has lots of experience. She understands English well but seems reluctant to speak it (we want her to speak her native language with the kids anyway, but to be able to clarify in English for them if necessary).

It's only been one week and she's part-time, so I guess it will just take a while to get used to the new arrangement, but I'm wondering how long people usually give for the nanny and child to form a bond and be comfortable with each other. And if it doesn't happen?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Wed 14-Sep-16 11:24:25

Are you at home as well? I think you just need to leave them to get on with things.

NannyR Wed 14-Sep-16 11:31:00

It's still very early days for all of you, I wouldn't worry yet.
Are you at home with the children and the nanny? I do agree that it is very difficult for a nanny and child to build up bonds and relationships when a parent is around. I completely understand why parents want to do handover periods but I'm usually itching for them to get back to work so that we can all get back into normal routines.

eversomuch Wed 14-Sep-16 11:32:28

At the moment, yes, I'm home the whole time. But usually it's more like half the time the nanny's here. DS gets very upset if I try to leave but I know I have to get him used to being alone with her.

eversomuch Wed 14-Sep-16 11:36:37

Also, the nanny said she thinks it might take a month or two for DS to settle and be happy to be left with her. That seems like a long time.

pipppopin Wed 14-Sep-16 11:46:00

It took my 3-4 ds a good four months to adjust to his new nanny. He was deeply attached to his first nanny & went through a period of grieving for her. At first inconsolable crying at the mention of her name which took me aback, tbh. I did not expect this as other friends kids barely noticed when there was a change in their households. But he is now very well settled with our new nanny. Speaks very fondly about old nanny, we chat about the good old days wink & I reassure him that she still loves him very much. We have not had any skype /calls with her yet but hope to do this at Xmas time. It was a rocky few months for us but we have come out the other side smiling smile

Yerazig Wed 14-Sep-16 12:19:02

Well firstly for her and the children they will never settle with each other if you are there. Also you mention that she's had years of pre school experience, does she have any nanny experience. Talking as an ex nursery nurse and now a nanny. It probably took me till my second nanny job when i switched over to be fully comfortable and get used to the ropes of working in someone's house only looking after one child etc.
A child definitely won't bond and be comfortable with their new carer in a week. It absolutely can take weeks till their comfortable especially you old nanny was with your oldest for most of his life so that's all he knows.

Cindy34 Wed 14-Sep-16 12:39:05

I would say an average of 10 days sole charge. At that point everyone involved has a better feel for if it is going to work out, if anything needs a minor adjustment, or if there is little hope of success.

DD is happy you say, so that is good. DS may take longer to adjust, is he older? Are there some fun activities she can do which are focused more on him?

If you are around at home, could she spend 1:1 time with DS out of the house - perhaps visit a nearby city by train (if he likes trains) and doing something in the city, such as going to a museum.

Talk to DS, can he say if there is something in particular that he is finding difficult, perhaps he is simply missing the old nanny.

Footle Wed 14-Sep-16 12:50:50

Do the children already speak her native language or is that new to them ?

eversomuch Wed 14-Sep-16 21:47:20

To follow-up, I've just sacked the new nanny. Today was a horrible day, she and DS just couldn't get along and then I saw her yank a toy away from him and grab him roughly by the arms. Not cool.

PisforPeter Wed 14-Sep-16 21:51:36

I'm sorry you've had to experience this

Shar0 Wed 14-Sep-16 21:54:59

shock shit!

nannynick Wed 14-Sep-16 21:55:13

Her style has to fit with what you want... grab DS roughly by the arms... not the style you feel fits with your family.

Sometimes it just doesn't work out and it can be better for everyone to end it quickly. Probation period is in the contract for that purpose, so nanny or parents can end the contact quickly if it is not working out and is unlikely to improve.

Yerazig Wed 14-Sep-16 22:31:16

That doesn't sound great what you witnessed. But on the other hand I think your expectations of the settling in period are way too high of how quickly everyone will settle with each other, something to consider if you do employ another nanny.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Wed 14-Sep-16 22:42:55

Yes I agree with Yerazig .

PowerPantsRule Thu 15-Sep-16 09:31:07

I am really sorry - I had similar with a new nanny too a long while ago - your gut instinct was right.

Our old nanny was very warm, cuddly, an earth mother type and my children adored her. Her replacement is very different - she does not volunteer cuddles, she never calls them pet names, she has a much more 'professional' and hands off relationship. We all found it hard to adjust - but the new nanny has some great qualities which we all appreciate - she is very strong on nature, outside play, walks, sports, drawing and creative stuff, none of which the old nanny did. And the children have learned that they can go to the new nanny and cuddle her and she will cuddle them back. So it is very different, but after about a month or two the children settled and are happy. But they do still miss their old nanny!

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 15-Sep-16 14:33:56

IT is so hard for a new nanny to bond with children esp older ones if the parent is about You are familiar. The nanny isn't. So they will favour you.

Obv grabbing a child by its arm isn't nice. Tho happens if say a child was going to do something they shouldn't. Tho doesn't sound like it in this Instance. But what context was it in?

Seems you chose a nanny who is different in her approach from You and ex nanny - obviously you won't get a clone of ex nanny but may be a good idea to employ someone you like - I get the impression you aren't too keen on this nanny even before the incident

Plus one who doesn't have English as native language and doesn't speak English much. Yet you then say you wanted her to speak in her native language

Is this your language as well? If not then again hard for the children to adjust

Finally nursery school exp is not nannying. She worked in a team and was always with people. Nannying is often solo and using own Innitative (sp)

Good luck with hunt for new nanny and when you find one let her settle in and play with children without you

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