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Grandparents taking baby out in car

(40 Posts)
user1467323570 Fri 01-Jul-16 07:04:55

My daughter is 8 months old and I will soon be returning to work 3 days a week.
My mil and fil are extremely persistent on seeing her 1+ times a week and have pushed for me to get them a car seat when they start to mind her.
I wasn't 100% comfortable with this but kind of got forced into buying a seat last week for them for when she's a little older.
Anyway. Every time they look after her they make comments like " oh we wil just pop her in the car seat and take her out" I've had to keep saying not until she's at least 1.
I really do not feel comfortable with not knowing where she is at all times.
My fil is always taking my daughter away from me when they see her. She suffers quite badly with separation anxiety and whenever fil takes her she crys, but he just runs off with her trying to calm her, I've said a million time she will not calm down until you pass her back to me. He does not listen.
We went for dinner the other night and fil took my daughter outside as she was getting bored. Two minutes later they were no where to be seen! He dissapeared with her for half an hour and know one knew where they had gone! I was furious!
I'm so worried about them just doing what they want with her in the car when I'm
at work. I'm worried il come home and they won't even be here!
The other thing is they do not stick to her routine I've worked so hard to put into place. The other day they put her down for her morning nap (that she has from 8.30/9.30) at 10-11.30!! She then of course didn't have her two hour afternoon nap.
Please help! I've tried speaking to them but they kind of brush it aside and don't listen anyway. How do I say to them that I don't want them taking my daughter wherever they want when I'm at work? Ild rather she was in nursery where I knew where she was at all times!
Also, fil does never has his mobile phone on him and mil leaves hers in her bag, I've tried to call whilst at work in the past and no one ever answers or texts back!
So sorry to moan, I also know they have kind hearts and are trying to help.

Icecappedpinetrees Fri 01-Jul-16 07:16:59

Ok, you say in your OP that' you'd rather she were in nursery. So put her to nursery.

Heaven forbid that they "do what they want with her" while providing free childcare with their kind hearts (your words) why can't they enjoy their time with their grandchild?

Unless they are shitty drivers or really old and doddery then just be happy that your daughter won't be stuck inside miserable all day. It's in her best interests to get out and experience the world. Where are they likely to go? Parks? Garden centres? Beach? Do you worry about her being lifted in and out or strapped in properly? Do you trust them to drive responsibly?

I understand where you're coming from but you can't know where your child is and what they are doing 100% of the time regardless of who is caring for them. If you're too anxious about it, just say no thank you.

TeaBelle Fri 01-Jul-16 07:20:21

I this k it would be really unfair on your child or them to stay in all day. My dd would hate it, she'd get proper cabin fever. You need to chill

MrsBungle Fri 01-Jul-16 07:23:08

Put her in nursery instead then. It's very unreasonable to expect them and her to stay in all day, how boring!

FeckinCrutches Fri 01-Jul-16 07:24:29

So you expect her to stay in with them until she's 1? What exactly is the problem with the car?
If you didn't want them to watch her you shouldn't have agreed to it. What does your DH say about it?

FellOutOfBed2wice Fri 01-Jul-16 07:26:26

It's hard, my parents have my DD twice a week while I work and I was incredibly nervous at first about everything. But a year in, she loves it, they love it and I'm much more relaxed. They don't always conform to my routine, she doesn't always get her screen time (or ice cream time!) limited but you know what, she has so much fun, they go out to nice places, is lavished with love... Better than a nursery while she's been 9 months- 2 in my opinion. She starts at nursery next term and I know that my parents will miss her and she will miss them.

I know it easier for me because they're my parents but I had an honest conversation with my parents early on about my anxiety, keeping their phones to hand etc. In the beginning I was near enough phoning once an hour to check on her. But it gets easier.

ShoeJunkie Fri 01-Jul-16 07:26:31

If you don't have confidence that they will look after your dd in a way that you feel comfortable then perhaps it is not the best plan for them to look after her on a regular basis.
Although there is obviously a cost implication a nursery or childminder will follow your wishes and routines.

lornathewizzard Fri 01-Jul-16 07:26:47

It's natural to have some anxiety when going back to work and leaving your child, but this seems like an over reaction. Do you not take her out in a car seat? What is it that makes you not want to take her out until she's older? Do you really expect them just to stay in the house?

BombadierFritz Fri 01-Jul-16 07:28:38

Will nursery follow your routine and will yoir daughter have separation anxiety there as well? No and yes i'd think
Honestly i see an anxious mum issue here tbh but nursery might be better
What does your partner think?

DoItTooJulia Fri 01-Jul-16 07:28:56

This is the cost of free family childcare. You either have to be ok with it (you can still be firm about some things, and they still need to respect your choices on the important stuff or it just won't work) or you need paid childcare.

If you decide to go with the in laws you need to chat properly with them about the important stuff-so, no sweets, or dilute the juice, or whatever, or have your phone handy so I can call you, but I think expecting them to stay at home all day because you don't like the idea of not knowing where dd is won't work.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but it's the reality of it. Good luck whatever you decide flowers

lydiarose Fri 01-Jul-16 07:32:48

Reading your post, it seems to me that it is YOU not her that has the separation anxiety. Please try and relax, she is coming to no harm. They are only doing what grandparents do - looking after and loving their grand-daughter. Presumably this is your first baby? It will get easier if you can relax a bit.

SmallBee Fri 01-Jul-16 07:42:45

Unfortunately this is the consequences of free childcare. Although the naps would really annoy me you do need to remember how much harder it is to look after a child when you are stuck at home all day. There is no good reason why they can't take her out apart from your anxiety, which is really unfair on your in laws and your DD.

You need to come to a good compromise with them about what you can all live with and if you can't do that, stick her in nursery.
The best thing to do is find a time without DD around and have a really frank conversation with them, work out what things that are bothering you are because of your own issues versus stuff they should do because it really is best for your DD.

It's hard leaving your child elsewhere but you'll undoubtedly find that they don't miss you when you aren't there. My DD used to burst into tears when I collected her because she had forgotten about me all day and then suddenly when she saw me she realised she missed me. After a couple of months that stopped and she now runs away when I collect her because she is to busy having fun to go home.

JessicaRabbit3 Fri 01-Jul-16 07:43:15

Maybe she so clingy because she senses your anixeity. I never had a relationship with grandparents they were dead when I was born but I facilitate a relationship on both sides of the family for my DC and they are extremely close for it. I wouldn't dream of dictating routines or preventing them from taking the DC out the youngest is almost 3 months and enjoyed his time with MIL and FIL. What are your DPs thoughts, end of the day it's his parents and just as much his baby. If your really not happy just put your DC in nursery but she won't get the one to one attention and there routines and times may alter from your schedule anyways.

Bottomchops Fri 01-Jul-16 07:48:20

You know nothing magically happens at one? It is weird seeing them go out in the car without you for the first time, but it's all part of moving on and growing up. Your dc shouldn't suffer cos of your anxiety. They will be dropping one nap soon anyway.

amroc18 Fri 01-Jul-16 07:48:34

Agree with previous posts, you can't reasonably expect them not to take DD in the car. However, suggest you have a gentle chat with them re sticking more closely to the routine and mobile on at all times.

NerrSnerr Fri 01-Jul-16 07:50:26

How many days will they be having her? The whole 3? If you don't trust them put her in nursery. You can't expect them to care for your child and not take them out anywhere. I would be pissed off at the going awol at the restaurant though.

idontlikealdi Fri 01-Jul-16 07:55:04

If you don't like it then put her in nursery. This I have learnt the hard way!

Houseconfusion Fri 01-Jul-16 07:55:21

You've never taken your daughter out in eight months if a car was involved? How did she get home from hospital unless it was a home birth?

user1465823522 Fri 01-Jul-16 07:56:50

They managed to raise your partner so they aren't complete novices at this.

And I don't understand the issues with the car seat and wanting to wait until they are 1? Did I miss something?

JustABigBearAlan Fri 01-Jul-16 07:57:56

Nothing magically happens at one.

Am I right in thinking that it's the type of car seat that's causing concern?

Some are not really suitable for younger children, so I can understand you being concerned if she's currently in a rear facing seat and you've bought a car seat for an older toddler for your pil to use for her, when she's older.

Can you get your dh to have a word with them about the really important issues? Then you'll just have to try to relax a bit about everything else. Hard, I know. It is great for dc to have a close relationship with their grandparents though.

user1465823522 Fri 01-Jul-16 07:58:00

You've never taken your daughter out in eight months if a car was involved? How did she get home from hospital unless it was a home birth?

Also this.

When I had mine we weren't allowed to leave the hospital withut a suitable means of getting baby home - be it car seat or pram

Fluffycloudland77 Fri 01-Jul-16 08:00:17

You don't trust them so use a nursery. She's not a doll to be played with.

JudyCoolibar Fri 01-Jul-16 08:03:03

You really are going to have to get over the need to know where she is at all times. She's not far off the age when some nurseries would naturally take children out to the park occasionally - would you demand to know exactly when they leave and come back. And babies' routines do change as they grow. By the age of 1 my dc were down to one nap a day.

choli Fri 01-Jul-16 08:03:49

You sound like a spoiled unappreciative nightmare.

trafalgargal Fri 01-Jul-16 08:04:10

Not everyone owns a car.
Although I do drive I would always walk into town with the pram or buggy as it was walkable and I felt it was healthier for both of us. I had friends who lived even closer who thought I was nuts though and always drove even though they lived even closer.

Now you have the car seat you could do a couple of practice runs with the GPs so you know they are comfortable with using the car seat. Might make you more comfortable.

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