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Childminder overstepping

(22 Posts)
WhataSook Wed 11-Dec-13 12:59:49

Has anyone felt that their CM overstepped their CM duties?

I am feeling as though my CM thinks we are co-parenting DD instead of me paying her to mind her. I am thankful she thinks fondly of DD but it's starting to get to me, things like changing her outfit if she doesn't like what she was bought in (once found out why she was in her 'spare' clothes I told her not to do this), how DD behaves and little sayings we use at home that reflect where DH and I are from (not always using the British word which she mocks me for) and changing how I do DD hair because she likes it a different way.

We had an incident this morning that has left me feeling quite pissed off with her and I'm serioulsy thinking of pulling her out and going to a creche (she is nearly 3 so going to nursery soon anyway). Just wondered if anyone else has experienced this and if so what you did?

HSMMaCM Wed 11-Dec-13 13:23:24

I have changed a child's clothes if they weren't practical for an activity, or redone their hair if it got messy. She should be respecting your culture and discussing any problems with you, so you can work together.

DoingItForMyself Wed 11-Dec-13 13:29:26

Having just completed a CM training course, there is a lot of talk about being in a partnership with parents and supporting the child's emotional physical and educational development etc. and we are also taught to respect and encourage cultural heritage (perhaps using phrases from home is an example of that?) and to make the setting a home from home.

CMs are not just there to keep an eye on your little one, there should be some bonding if they are spending a lot of time together and of course this will be more noticeable in a home setting than a nursery where there will be lots of adults.

It's understandable that you are feeling a bit put out, but try to see it as a positive that your CM is taking an interest in your child. I agree about practical clothing, it may be that the spare clothes were better for a certain activity/weather condition etc and if she is going out with the children then she will want their hair to look tidy so that she isn't judged for not taking good care of them.

WhataSook Wed 11-Dec-13 13:53:18

No the clothes change wasn't due to practicality - she admited she just didn't like what DH had put DD in which was tracksuits when she wanted her in a dress.

And obviously HSM I would expect her to fix DD hair once she had woken up from a nap or if it got messy. But it was as I was dropping DD off, she just took her hair out and proceded to change it as she likes her hair to sit in a 'fountain' and I tie her hair to the side.

She even started potty training DD without discussing with me which was another thing that I wasn't too happy about. She wanted DD trained at a certain time as another mindee who was older was also doing it. We were taking DD on a 24 hour flight the following month so I said no I want to do it after that. Once we got back we didn't discuss it again for a couple of weeks and then one day she announced that DD had gone all day with out an accident. That in my opinion is not on.

The thing is I'm not sure we can work together, if I ever say anything she doesn't agree with (in relation to DD) she gets very defensive like I'm having a go at her CM abilities which I'm not.

Doingit I do see it as a positive, we had what I would conside a serious incident 18 months ago where I nearly removed DD then and the CM was very upset at the thought of DD going to a creche and I realised how much she cares for her. But regardless, a bond is nice, but I'm the parent and I think what I want for my DD should be respected, a little??

HSMMaCM Wed 11-Dec-13 14:08:23

Oh dear. It sounds like she does care, but should have more respect for you as parents.

WhataSook Wed 11-Dec-13 14:42:39

yes HSM that's what I'm thinking. What is a nice/delicate way of saying that to someone who will see it as me having a go at her?

NomDeClavier Wed 11-Dec-13 14:47:53

I would be very annoyed if I were in your shoes. In fact is probably consider putting it in writing with specific examples.

Changing clothes and redoing hairstyles is fairly ins

TwerkingNineToFive Wed 11-Dec-13 14:48:33

What was the serious inncident?
I would not be happy with what she is doing at all. Your the parent. Not listening to you about potty training could confuse your dd and how rude about the clothes and hair!

NomDeClavier Wed 11-Dec-13 14:51:33

...insignificant as a single action bit it seems like your CM is doing it repeatedly almost as a way of undermining you.

She should also be a lot more sensitive wrt language. It can obviously be a very emotive topic and I know for me using certain words is a way of transmitting cultural identity without being in that culture. If it's the same for you she definitely shouldn't be mocking you, and even if it's not that's the way you talk and your interactions with your DC - being natural and spontaneous - are going to be influenced by that.

Overall it does sound like she's getting over-involved. Caring is good but with a CM there's a slightly uncomfortable dynamic that you have this close bond but it's her business to run and it's hard to question her professional actions.

DoingItForMyself Wed 11-Dec-13 14:52:31

You don't need to explain to her why you want to move your DD, you could just say you want to give notice and DD will be leaving on xx date, but if she asks you could say that now she is getting older you feel that she will benefit from a more school-like environment or something, which is not a direct criticism of her.

Then if you want to let the CM know your reasons, perhaps wait until after your DD has finished there and write her a note, so it doesn't matter if she gets defensive or thinks you're having a go and you won't have to deal with her any more [chicken emoticon]

WhataSook Wed 11-Dec-13 15:08:26

I can't say twerking as it will defo out me! But I think what upset me the most was she didn't see anything wrong with what she had done, I had to convince her that regardless whether she thought it was neither here nor there I was upset it had happened and needed her to reassure me she understood and wouldn't do it again.

I only know of this incident because my elderly neighbour happened to be out and about that day and saw it. The CM didn't deny it just didn't understand what the fuss was about as she said 'she had it under control'.

She is a lovely person but I think she doesn't see it as a business as such (apart from the money side) but that she is doing me a favour minding my DD (which she is) so then as she's doing me this favour I should let her do it her way (does that make sense?)

And DD does like to go there so I am reluctant to pull her out, but I will if we can't get around this.

WhataSook Wed 11-Dec-13 15:09:47

and yes Nom DH and I didn't expect to be in the UK raising our DD so it's very important to us she understands some of our own words we use for certain things.

minderjinx Wed 11-Dec-13 18:30:07

One of the little girls I care for adores having her hair styled and frequently pesters to have it done. It has honestly never occurred to me that her parents might be upset by her going home with a different style to the one she came with. Might have to ask blush!

But yes, your CM does sound rather insensitive and overbearing. If you are letting her know loud and clear what you are unhappy with and she thinks she knows better, I think I would look elsewhere. Although it is a professional relationship, I do think it is one which only really works when the CM and parents are pretty much in accord on important issues.

Strix Wed 11-Dec-13 20:02:17

CM definitely lost track of reasonable boundaries. I would either give notice or at least start DD in a nurser part time. Sort wean her out of there. Does she go to CM full time?

FlorenceMattell Thu 12-Dec-13 21:26:14

I think your childminder is not respecting you as the mother.
Two options:
Give notice.
Or make a date for a meeting with childminder, maybe evening/weekend when no children are there. She obviously cares for your child. Does she realise she is upsetting you? Does she act the same way with other children she minds? Could you discuss it without her taking offence? If after meeting you are not happy or assured she will change, give notice.

WhataSook Fri 13-Dec-13 00:12:28

Thank you everyone for your replies. DH and I have decided to visit a few of the local nurseries and take it from there. I know the CM cares about DD and that is important but I know she doesnt respect me. DH and I were discussing it this evening and I realised if there is anything I need for her to really take on board I get DH to tell her as she doesnt take it in at all if I say it and considering he only does a few drops and I do the most its not good enough.

TheDoctrineOfSanta Fri 13-Dec-13 00:23:37

Crikey.

YANBU.

Loopytiles Fri 13-Dec-13 17:26:00

I would get alternative childcare!

sunshinenanny Thu 19-Dec-13 12:56:55

she is not doing you a favour you are paying her to care for your child and she should respect your wishes .

little girls do like having their hair done(playing hairdressers etc.) but redoing her hair and changing her clothes because she doesn't like how you've done it is tactless.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 19-Dec-13 19:21:32

I used to be a nanny and loved my charges so much one was my page boy when I got married. His father gave me away but I always knew who the parents were and never did anything that the parents wouldn't like or tried to undermine them. The parents and I were in agreement so there was no need for snidey undermining and game playing. You are too scared to talk to your CM about how she is looking after your child. It can't go on. She doesn't respect you.

FrameyMcFrame Thu 19-Dec-13 19:25:23

hmm.. if your DD is happy there then don't just change things on a whim. Just talk to her again and ask nicely if she can not do these things.
It's good that your DD is happy in a nurturing environment. Nursery will not be as easy for her.

TwoMinutesToMidnight Fri 20-Dec-13 02:44:34

Open my opinion this is unacceptable and your CM is overstepping the mark. Yes you want them to bond but she is not there to co parent your child. You are paying her to mind her and she needs to realise her placers not to make decisions such as how your dd dresses and what style to have her hair. Job is to look after dd according to your wishes where practical. Her job is not to make you feel like shit by taking over.

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