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how to fire a nanny - i don't think she wants to be a nanny

(19 Posts)
Budur Sun 22-Sep-13 19:05:03

here's a situation. we have a new nanny for three months now and i don't think i can have her for long. she's a live in, so changing would be a big hassle. she came with great references from a family she's been with for years so i haven't really given some of the things a lot of thought taking it all for face value. but what was presented to me now is different from what i expected.

on the positive: she is trustworthy and is trusted with money for basic things for the house, takes good care of kids in terms of safety, is punctual, well educated and knows it. i think it probably

OutragedFromLeeds Sun 22-Sep-13 19:06:26


Budur Sun 22-Sep-13 19:33:11

ends here (computer is funny).

it turned out she's pretty lazy but we had a good chat, explained all the tasks again and it got a lot better, she now helps out as expected on par with both of us. she only does an absolute minimum of what is expected, but this is something that i can live with.

the main thing is: it is clear she doesn't want to be a nanny any more and thinks she's destined for greater things. i don't think she likes my kids that much (who are by the way nice and well behaved), because she thinks she should be more than just a nanny. she has a good education from her home country but can't really do anything here but be a nanny and constantly says that she's not any worth than me in this or that, which i find very annoying. i just want a nanny, not someone who will always be trying to prove to me that she's better than me. she is treated very much as a family member, which we always did with our nannies.

however, it's clear she's envious of my position having a house, a husband, kids and a good job. but i did work hard to get to where i am. and i can just hear her thinking why not her? she's in late 30s without a husband or a boyfriend and obviously wants a family too. but after 5 years in the country her English is only average (we speak another common language that i want kids to learn), (when i suggested dating to her she said it's not good enough to be able to talk to men freely). if my personal happinness depending on it i would have put a lot more effort into it having all the conditions living in an english speaking family. but she's just too lazy to do that, i haven't seen her picking up a book or watch the news or doing anything else to improve it. i hope you understand that it's all on subtle level, she doesn't actually tell me that she's envious but i do feel it always.

basically my feeling is that she does everything just to get by, without putting her heart and sole into it or into my kids and this is the main thing that concerns me. i would have helped her in any way i could (found and signed her up for english courses already) but i just don't think the situation would change, there is simply nothing you can do about the attitude. my hubby agrees that she's lazy and not focused on the job and says give her time until year end. but i'm thinking what's the point of waiting? i was wondering why the previous family was happy with her and thinking may be she was younger and not so desperate at the time and also came to live in a new country. I've had 2 nannies before and they were wonderful, but they were all 50 plus with their own grown up kids and they loved being with kids, which i don't think is the case here. help! i started looking around again for 50 plus nanny but i need to decide first what to do with this one.

Budur Sun 22-Sep-13 19:34:23

forgot to say she has lots of experience with kids, so i trust her here, i just don't think she's interested in it any longer.

OutragedFromLeeds Sun 22-Sep-13 19:39:19

She's been with you less than a year, so just give notice and ask her to leave if it's not working for you.

It seems quite harsh because she hasn't actually done anything wrong. How would you feel if you were sacked because your boss thought you were jealous of her?

I would also be a bit less ageist. There are good nannies of all ages.

ModeratelyObvious Sun 22-Sep-13 19:39:30

Are the kids happy with her?

Budur Sun 22-Sep-13 20:08:41

i don't think you grasped the situation. it's not about her being jelous, it's her reaction to it. she's just not bothered with making an effort. for example, the kid had an accident and she just took soaked pants off him and put clean ones on, without washing him from the wee! or when my hubby asks what they had for dinner and she lists varous things and my cleaner tells me afterwards that she didn't give all of those things to them, just a main meal (while we repeatedly told her to give them cheese, yogurts etc. afterwards to fill them up). or somebody told me that she was walking with my kid with his coat not zipped up and falling off him and the day being windy and she didn't bother to zip him up, put it's on him properly, something that would have never happened with previous nannies or with me. it's little subtle things that makes me think about her attitude to them.

i don't think think the little one took on to her, but he can't talk much. the older one is in school most of the day and in summer i was at home a lot, so it's hard to tell now. but i'm thinking it's not the sort of care i want for my kids.

ModeratelyObvious Sun 22-Sep-13 20:12:31

TBF OP you didn't say anything in your first post about the kids. If you're not happy with her care and you've given her chances to improve, follow due procedure and then give her notice. Whether she is jealous of you or is lazy about learning English to a fluent standard aren't all that relevant really.

OutragedFromLeeds Sun 22-Sep-13 20:16:06

All the back story about her not having a boyfriend/being well educated/being jealous of you is irrelevant then.

You're not happy with the job she is doing. She has been there less than a year. Give notice.

OutragedFromLeeds Sun 22-Sep-13 20:18:13

x post!

nannynick Sun 22-Sep-13 20:58:13

How to fire a nanny - give notice under the contract. What is in the contract and if any legal minimum notice applies will depend on what is written in the contract and depend where you live.

Better to end things sooner rather than later if you feel they are not working out.

However is there anything she could do to mean that you keep her employed? Have you talked to her about what is bothering you - such as the lazy attitude, not focused on the job? Have you given sufficient feedback and time to improve?

Retsma Sun 22-Sep-13 22:34:31

It's up to you. I'd just come out and say it deeply

" nanny name I am truly deeply sorry but I don't think you're ready and I'm giving you notice. I know it's hard and you'll need time to adapt but good luck"

Good luck
Hope this helps

Budur Mon 23-Sep-13 05:59:31

had a chat with a hubby and as usual for men he says either do something about it and get a new one or just get on with it and stop complaining. everything else for him is not important, the main thing is kids. notice in the contract is 1 month.

yes we did have a proper chat and in terms of doing general housekeeping around the house she has improved. but attitude to kids remains an issue, i just don't feel warmth from her.

Laquitar Mon 23-Sep-13 10:23:12

You sound awful tbh and very narrow minded.
You seem to stereptype alot, your nanny, unmarried women, your own dh and men....Blimey.

Lol at trying to find her husband!

NomDeClavier Mon 23-Sep-13 12:12:07

Your personal feelings are clouding your judgement but given that she lives in and you're trusting her with your children while you aren't there your feelings are valid and important to you, so it's not working out and you need to give notice. Whether she wants to be one or not doesn't come into it.

Sit her down, say you don't feel you've gelled and that you find her attitude and the quality of care lacking. Give her a month's notice and start looking for a new nanny.

I do think you're likely to run into this problem again unless you sort yourself out, though. There's a bit of a superiority complex and a lot of projecting going on.

Novstar Mon 23-Sep-13 12:13:09

You'll be judged no end on MN for the comments you made, but only you know what it's really like. Whatever the reason, it's clear that it's not working for you, and that's not going to lead to happiness for anyone. I would do what others say and just let her go.

cansu Mon 23-Sep-13 21:03:42

tbh the examples you give are not really indicative of not caring but just a more relaxed style. If my dd had an accident it would be quick wipe with a babywipe and new pants. I have been known to not offer cheese and biscuits and to let children have unzipped jackets. it sounds more like you are trying to find reasons for your feeling which is that she isnt more into your children. If you dislike her then I think you should give notice as it obviously colouring your view of her work.

Rachal13 Tue 24-Sep-13 11:57:34

I am sorry that you are having trouble with your nanny but do remember that UK employment rights cover nannies too. You have to follow proper Statutory dismissal and disciplinary procedures. Had she had verbal and written warnings? You will need these in place before you can terminate her contract. Or it could get complicated.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Wed 25-Sep-13 19:11:38

It's obvious that for whatever reason, this nanny is not fitting in with your family on a practical or relational level. She has employment rights of course, but you don't have to keep employing her if it's not working. .

Having had a friend whose nanny was very jealous of her, I probably have a bit more sympathy for you than others! It sounds a bit 'ooh look at me', but having someone constantly being snide or the looks & the underlying unpleasantness of it all is very disturbing.

Was your talk with her before a verbal warning? If not, that would be your next step. I would mention the practical things first but also touch on the attitude stuff and her lack of heart for the job. As you say, the practical stuff is a whole load of little things, each completely acceptable on its own, but together it gives the impression of someone who is failing to carry out your wishes and also not giving a level of care that you want.

I'd check out the employment laws in more detail, but would be looking to sever the relationship and contract as no one is happy like this...

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