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new nanny problems - what to do?

(19 Posts)
lu9months Wed 04-Sep-13 23:14:32

are old nanny has left after a happy 2 years, and I spent ages looking for a replacement. I finally found somebody who seemed good to do a nanny/housekeeper role. she started on mon but seems to have upset the kids by shouting. I spoke to her about this and she apologised, and I felt better. then today my middle child said he asked to go on the wii and she said ' well, who cares, if I say no you cant you will just go and tell your mum I'm not letting you play on the wii'. I feel really worried but don't know whether to keep going, or start the whole process again which is unsettling for the kids and my 3 year old really likes her. I have also paid an agency £1000 to find her. I have spoken to them and they will help us find a replacement but we will still end up paying them a lot to do so. any advice gratefully received

drinkyourmilk Wed 04-Sep-13 23:17:10

Did you speak to her references yourself?

Quangle Wed 04-Sep-13 23:18:56

Not nanny specific but as an employer I can say categorically if you feel it's not working out initially, you need to end it quickly. We are all inclined to think it's teething problems - but actually if it's wrong at the beginning it stays wrong. Bite the bullet and move on. The only regrets I've ever had on the employment front are because I've thought things will sort themselves out over time and they don't.

lu9months Wed 04-Sep-13 23:21:13

thanks for responding so quickly. she had excellent written and verbal references, and that was one of the things that really appealed to me. she had been with the same families for several years, and they all absolutely raved about her. when she came for interview she bought a lovely file with her with notes and cards and photos of 'her' children that she had looked after before, and she is still in touch with them. the nanny agency said when she popped in yesterday to sort out her Ofsted form she was very positive about the job and said how nice the kids were. but there is no doubt she has been raising her voice

HeyJudith Wed 04-Sep-13 23:24:31

It's only day 3... maybe give it more time. Speak to her again. What was the shouting about? I know she shouldn't shout but was was the topic and what constitutes "shouting"... raised voice? tone? strictness?

Also, I guess your middle child told you re Wii incident but are you sure it couldn't have been misinterpretated.. confused I mean if she said "I don't want you to play on the Wii right now, I know you're not happy about that and you will probably be mentioning it to your mum but that's my decision at the moment" Or, she could have said No to a Wii request, he could have said "Mum would be fine with it though, it's normally fine at this time" and she might have been replying to that?

Why not ask her re the Wii incident.

But it's more than the shouting or the Wii. Do you feel happy with her besides these two things? If these two events hadn't happened, would you like her as your Nanny? Is she nice/capable/friendly/pleasant/diplomatic (or whatever you judge appropriate?)

HeyJudith Wed 04-Sep-13 23:28:40

Quangle that's very true but to find the perfect nanny/employee you might have to go through five or six in a very short space of time and that's not practical either from children or expense point of view...

There is such a thing as teething problems, but we don't know from the OP (and it's hard for us to judge) if they are teething problems or if it's never going to gel from the start. OP needs to think about priorities and if it's better the devil she knows (at least for longer than day 3). So hard though.

Quangle Wed 04-Sep-13 23:32:13

that's true but the OP doesn't need perfect. She just needs a nanny who won't be prompting her to post on MN and contact the agency because she's concerned...

Personally a raised voice wouldn't bother me - maybe the snide remark would if that's exactly how it was said but the DC could have misinterpreted a little. But for me that's by the by. The OP is not feeling comfortable with this person. Perhaps give it another few days but then I'd say do make a decision - don't let it drag on.

Sparklysilversequins Wed 04-Sep-13 23:35:35

Hmm, I'd give her one more chance, three strikes and all that. I don't think I would ask about the wii either. They may just be shaking down together, it's a small thing and it could just build resentment to be questioned about it.

NomDeClavier Thu 05-Sep-13 00:12:06

Did she respond when you said that find her tone of voice a little excessive?

The wii comments sounds a little odd - is your middle child very persistent and she just got exasperated or was it a genuine 'who cares'? Your DCs may be testing boundaries with her and she may feel you're undermining decisions she's made.

I would monitor carefully over the rest of the probationary period (you do have one in the contract, don't you?) and contact the agency to say you're not sure how its going and clarify what their policy is on replacing candidates. Most won't charge more because that's part of the safeguard of using an agency.

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 05-Sep-13 14:33:52

Shouting or raised voices?

I have to raise my voice at the 3yr I have at the moment

He never listens and has no disapline from mb and db - or they say no then yes - so he knows if he goes on and on and on mb will give in

And about the wii - if one of your children did ask you something that nanny said no to - would you back her up and say blondes said no so listen to her

Also with tv / wii etc its so hard unless you ask what the family minds - or some families I've worked for had tv on 24/7 - others a little after say lunch - others none at all (where I am today)

So maybe in her last family they said no so hence why nanny said no to wii thinking you wouldn't want your dc to play on it?

Karoleann Thu 05-Sep-13 16:46:18

She may well be a perfect nanny, but maybe not for you.
I can think of a couple of friends who were really happy with their nannies, but they wouldn't have been for me.
I'm fairly relaxed as a parent and neither of my two older children react well to being shouted at. One just switches off completely and the other gets very upset. Luckily, they're well behaved most of the time, but an overly strict nanny wouldn't suit them or me.

I'd give it til the end of the week and see how today and tomorrow go.

Strix Thu 05-Sep-13 18:48:39

I don't think either of those things are serious issues. I react quite badly sometimes when my children moan about going on the Wii. I've been known to threaten to break it. shock Lovely mum I am.

SunnyIntervals Thu 05-Sep-13 19:53:10

I wouldn't be happy with the shouting but it sounds like you are not actually really happy generally?

I had an awful nanny who came with amazing references and was immediately snapped up after we parted ways. She just wasn't for us.

WetGrass Thu 05-Sep-13 21:43:43

I'm struggling to see the issue.

You have at least 3 kids, the youngest a 3 year old, and shouting is a sacking offence?

If I basically had faith in her - I would be more worried about lack of authority rather than over-zealous disciplining - particularly at the early stage of establishing authority.

Btw - my last nanny quit because she didn't shout.
Nanny: Kids time to go home from the park
DS: No
Nanny: We really must go home from the park
DS: No & I don't like you
Nanny: Really, let's go, please
DS: No
hmm

She let a 6 year old behave like top dog - and then took it all personally when he acted out.

SunnyIntervals Thu 05-Sep-13 21:45:58

Wet, my mother was very strict but almost never shouted. You can be authoritative without raising your voice.

lu9months Thu 05-Sep-13 22:17:25

thanks all, for the comments. I was home today and she came to do some cleaning and worked very hard, and my youngest clearly likes her and is very happy. the oldest is out at senior school and is not too concerned. the middle child is very sensitive, and I am sure is missing our old nanny. I have arranged for him to spend a couple of hours alone with her tomorrow so I am hoping they can start to bond. I am keeping an open mind for now, but want to make a final decision soon - as you say, I don't want to let it drag on, especially because then I will have to pay huge agencies fees to find someone new, who may not turn out to be any better

WetGrass Thu 05-Sep-13 23:07:46

Yes - but as your mother she had natural authority built up over a long period.

Particularly where there are large groups of boys children involved - judicious raising of the voice is an effective shot across the bows to indicate authority.

I am far more sensitive to DC being exposed to 'snideness', emotional manipulation and meanness. A good row can be cathartic and healthy.

SunnyIntervals Mon 09-Sep-13 22:31:01

How are things now, op?

lu9months Tue 10-Sep-13 21:44:34

I am not sure! I had some positive feedback from a friend who came to pick up her son, who said the atmosphere was very calm and she seemed very affectionate to my youngest. then another friend said she thought she was 'disengaged'. she has worked really hard this week and is doing a lot of very good organising and tidying and the kids seem to have settled down, so I think things will probably be ok eventually...

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