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High need toddler - what to tell new nanny?

(117 Posts)
Welovegrapes Thu 07-Mar-13 18:13:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutragedFromLeeds Fri 08-Mar-13 12:02:43

That's good then smile.

Did you talk about your expectations of what she would do with him? What activities he could be taken to etc. Would be happy if she took him to playgroup and tried to push through the screaming for example? Or do you want him kept away from stuff like that because you don't want him being upset when you're not there? I think that kind of thing is important to tell her, the specifics. Good that DH gave her a bit of a heads up but 'can be a handful' describes every toddler on earth!!

whatsleep Fri 08-Mar-13 12:17:08

When I read your OP I see myself in you! It's so very hard giving the care of your child to someone else, even when you trust them and deep down know they will be fine. I hope you don't mind me saying but I imagine your anxiety about handing over your little one is making your assessment of your child's needs a little clouded. At 20 months he will adapt, he will bond with the new nanny, and the nanny being well experienced and a mum herself will have had all the feelings you are feeling today. Try and take a step back, let the nanny try and do things her way, it's surprising how well little ones adapt to change. I am a mum and have previously been a nanny to many families. My dd (now 8 & 2) were both clingy and needy when with me but were much more flexible (for want of a better word) with other people, I think they just have the emotional pull over us as their mum and soon learn how to manipulate us! As far as the co-sleeping goes, be honest with your nanny, she should be able to work with you to help him self settle. Wishing you luck with a very unMN xx!

I think you have to give her fair warning, then let her try it her way. If she is an experienced nanny she will have known a lot of children with lots of different temperaments, and she will also know that first time mums don't always have a clear picture of how their child is compared to others. That's not s criticism by the way, I think it applies to mums with easy babies too.

MaternityNanny Fri 08-Mar-13 12:44:40

I had a job like this and lasted a week. Really wish the parents were honest in interview to save everyones time.

Not a lot of nannies will lay down with your child, one because of insurance and two nursery duties or tidying up while LO is asleep.

I really think you should be honest. Maybe look at your contracted probation period notice so your not left in the lurch if your going back to work so 2 weeks rather than 1.

MrsPotato Fri 08-Mar-13 13:14:21

maternitynanny the op has said that the nanny said she wouldn't have a problem with lying down next to him for a nap.

But what on earth does insurance have to do with it?!

MaternityNanny Fri 08-Mar-13 14:11:08

Each nanny decides what they are comfortable with. I just wouldn't be happy to do it, imagine if the nanny fell asleep too.. But if your nanny is happy then that's a good thing. Hope it all goes well.

MrsPotato Fri 08-Mar-13 14:14:47

I certainly wouldn't do this either but I've never looked after just one child so not really an option for me!

whatsleep Fri 08-Mar-13 15:19:54

In my opinion a nanny acts as a 'stand in' mum while mum is not there, you wouldn't be concerned with cuddling up on the sofa to read some stories so really why would it be a problem to lay on a bed and soothe him off to sleep if that's what he's used to. OP is not expecting the nanny to get her PJ's on and get into bed with him!?

ReetPetit Fri 08-Mar-13 16:26:08

I wouldn't do this as a cm. Don't know if its different for nannies as its more 'exclusive' but still can't imagine many nannies being happy with this
kind of set up

Welovegrapes Fri 08-Mar-13 20:44:08

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Welovegrapes Fri 08-Mar-13 20:45:28

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Welovegrapes Fri 08-Mar-13 20:53:18

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Welovegrapes Fri 08-Mar-13 20:58:51

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OutragedFromLeeds Fri 08-Mar-13 22:34:34

I think the nannies job will be much easier due to the fact that you clearly have a great understanding on the problems that she might face with your DC and realistic expectations re. nursery duties etc. I really hope it all works out for you. You might be posting in a month to tell us, you were worrying for nothing and DS and the nanny have bonded, no tears etc smile.

I have a friend who works with a child like this. She started with him when he 9 months old and he was very much how you describe your DS. He was fine with her in his house, but if she took him out he would scream/cry the whole time. They used to come to playgroup and he would just sit in his pram, with his coat on. If she tried to get him out or take his coat off the low-level whimpering would escalate to traumatised screaming. She persevered and by 2.5 he was much better, but still a bit anxious at times. He started school this Spetember (he is in the same class as one of my charges) and on the first day just ran in without so much as 'goodbye' to his mum, she was shock at the gate grin. He is the most outgoing, sociable child now, the change is unbelievable. I think at times it was hard for her to stick it out. She only works for them 2 days a week and she has told me that she would dread those days. Her great relationship with the parents was what made her stay I think. She even stayed on for DC2, who was even worse than DC1. She's still with them now 4+ years on, so it definitely can work with a nanny and a high needs child.

drinkyourmilk Sat 09-Mar-13 08:58:54

I just wanted to reassure you that some nannies are happy to take on this type of role.
I have had to co-sleep with a charge and had them 'velcroed' to me. I used an ergo carrier and had her in it pretty much full time for the first few weeks. Gradually she would play at my feet while I was busy. She never did progress to playing in another room, but I'm not sure that's important. She still played by herself while I cooked and ironed.
Some people are just more anxious than others. Continue to give him what he needs, he won't want to be permanently attached at 18!

Zavi Sat 09-Mar-13 10:58:55

I think that you are being far too indulgent with your child in the way that you are making his world fit in around his needs.

Can you imagine the shock he's going to get when he starts school? It is going to be very, very difficult for him to be part of a group.

I think you are doing your child a huge disservice by pandering to him like this now. You may think you're doing what's best for him but in actual fact you are teaching him to be fearful in situations that have not been artificially contrived (such as the nanny co-sleeping for naps) to meet his personal needs.

If you're not planning on home educating him then mark my words you are brewing up a storm here for when he starts school!

And I feel really, genuinely sorry for him because you have not allowed him to develop even a shred of resilience and he is going to really struggle with lots of stuff if he has got no self-resilience / backbone to fall back on.

Welovegrapes Sat 09-Mar-13 11:30:10

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Welovegrapes Sat 09-Mar-13 11:30:48

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Zavi Sat 09-Mar-13 11:54:51

The best way to deal with a genuinely frightened child is for the parents to get help.

You are deluded if you think that your child is naturally fearful. He's not. He has become an very anxious child because of the way that he has been molly-coddled, cosseted, over-indulged, suffocated, parented.

You have dismissed my insights without having taken anything on board. That's fine.

I'm telling you OP, <wagging my finger now>, your child is going to struggle massively when he starts school. He will find it very distressing.

P.s. Did you notice your Freudian slip in your reply to me: "I think what you're saying is wrong, I'm afraid ". Honestly, OP it's quite OK to disagree with me! I'm fine about that. I have lots of resilience reserves. Thanks to my parents. grin

SolomanDaisy Sat 09-Mar-13 12:01:08

I think plenty of evidence suggests that meeting the needs of babies/toddlers in their early years enables them to feel secure and confident later on. Nurturing a 20 month-old will not cause them to be unable to cope and school and it is not an 'insight' to suggest it will. Zavi, your post is extremely rude about OP's parenting.

Welovegrapes Sat 09-Mar-13 12:09:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaternityNanny Sat 09-Mar-13 12:42:06

I actually agree with Zavi.

runs and hides

Zavi Sat 09-Mar-13 12:59:14

I know someone with a similar approach to parenting (helicoptering) in RL.

This other mum's DD is so fearful she: won't go on play-dates (unless mum goes too); won't attend any pre or post-school clubs or activities; doesn't join in any clubs/activities outside of the school; never attends any fund-raising events at school; can not be left at a birthday party - mum must stay; is scared of fireworks/halloween; is too scared to try out anything physically risky (climbing wall, ride a bike); is actually traumatised if the teacher expresses any disapproval; has never spent a night away from mum; is unable to form normal friendships at school (finds other children too rough/mean/noisy/insensitive to them)... I could go on and on and on. You get the picture though.

DD has never been comfortable at school. There have been 3 changes of school in order to find one that DD will be happy in. They are still looking...

That girl is ten. Ten. And she is completely insular.

And you think I'm being unkind?

Let me ask you this: how would you like to be that little girl?

Blondeshavemorefun Sat 09-Mar-13 13:53:01

to a certain extent i do agree with zavi - as in when at school you WONT be able to sit in the classroom and wean him off you over a few weeks/months - it will be straight in

you have made your child dependant on you to fall asleep etc

but thats your style of parenting and fine, but you need to think about the future for your childs sake x

Welovegrapes Sat 09-Mar-13 13:54:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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