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If you heard a childs parent say

(35 Posts)
DoISay Fri 23-Nov-12 09:14:50

something upsetting to the child.

Context

Child "I hate you"
Parent "Well if you hate me then I wont be here when you finish school"

Parent later jokes about it to me and says maybe it'll teach child a lesson as they are actually going away for the weekend and the child doesn't know.

sad

Would you tell the parent (one of your parents) that it was unacceptable or just deal with the tears and upset later on from the child and not say a word?

DumSpiroSpero Sun 25-Nov-12 20:20:41

It sounds like he's desperate for her attention/approval.

If she can't already see that and is saying this sort of thing I'm not how or if you'll be able to get through to her tbh.

CharlieCoCo Sun 25-Nov-12 19:07:50

Thats awful. What if something happens like a car crash and god forbid the parent dies, that child will be even more messed up thinking it happened because she said i hate you.

DoISay Fri 23-Nov-12 15:00:28

General 4 year old stuff. But he is generally silly/naughty for her and then we have big tantrums but again nothing a bit of consistency wouldn't solve.

DumSpiroSpero Fri 23-Nov-12 14:49:24

What sort of behaviour are we talking about?

It does sound as if there is a real issue here in their relationship.

DoISay Fri 23-Nov-12 14:36:33

So.. how?

She often asks me if his behaviour is to do with her? Could follow on from there.... have other "issues" around the same theme, do I go in for the onslaught hmm I hate this part of the job.

Blondeshavemorefun Fri 23-Nov-12 13:45:36

Oh sad that family sad

RyleDup Fri 23-Nov-12 13:32:00

Fuck. That is really nasty. What a cow. I'd have to say something, politely of course. You couldn't not really.

fraktion Fri 23-Nov-12 13:27:49

I think you really do need to schedule a chat. This is the kind of situation that breaks my heart sad

Adults can be so cruel to children without realising it. They think it's a joke but don't comprehend that the child simply doesn't understand, and this is a particularly vicious example.

Does this happen a lot? It's emotional abuse and I think you should be noting down your concerns and raising it with the relevant authorities if yo you see a worrying pattern.

DoISay Fri 23-Nov-12 12:10:47

Blondes we've spoken about this family before sad

There is only mum so no-one else to speak to. Will have to schedule a chat next week.

Blondeshavemorefun Fri 23-Nov-12 11:54:47

That horrible and so sad sad

Why wouldn't you tell a child you are going away for the weekend ??'

ThePoppyAndTheIvy Fri 23-Nov-12 11:32:58

Poor child, I have heard a mum say something along the lines of the "well if you hate me you won't want me to pick you up later" type thing but NEVER when they actually weren't going to be there!

That is just so cruel sad. The mother sounds very selfish & slightly unhinged.

Maryz Fri 23-Nov-12 11:28:42

Sorry, I missed the section this was in blush.

That's terrible. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place aren't you. If you don't say something she will carry on, if you do she might not like it and make life difficult.

Is there another family member you have any contact with that you could talk to?

If it carries on the child will really hate them sad

DumSpiroSpero Fri 23-Nov-12 11:25:35

Do you feel you could raise it with your employer, as someone else said, in the context of "X was very upset about you being away this evening, I think they might have taken what you said to heart a bit."

Is the child's dad on the scene at all?

BertieBotts Fri 23-Nov-12 11:25:01

That's horrendous - does the partner not have a relationship with the child? He should be coming to see BOTH of them if so. If not, why has the child even been introduced anyway? sad

DoISay Fri 23-Nov-12 11:22:59

I will look after the child I am the nanny.

Maryz Fri 23-Nov-12 10:53:11

Who looks after the child when the parent is away? Because you need to tell them, to make sure they know why child is upset tonight.

Floggingmolly Fri 23-Nov-12 10:51:18

That's bloody awful sad.
You know what they say; you need a licence to have a dog...

DumSpiroSpero Fri 23-Nov-12 10:47:09

I know you must really feel for the child in this situation, but do you really think you can carry on working for this family?

DoISay Fri 23-Nov-12 10:45:55

I need to say something.

Also mums long distance partner is visiting. child wants to spend time with partner and has been told partner has come to see mum and not child. which is true but doesn't sit right with me. :-(

DumSpiroSpero Fri 23-Nov-12 10:26:13

That is absolutely disgusting behaviour on the part of the parent.

My mum was told stuff like this by her childminder (that her mother wouldn't come back for her if she was naughty). She was too scared to even tell her mum it was going on for a while.

My mum is 73 now and has never forgotten those experiences, and has had separation issues for most of her adult life (other factors contributing admittedly).

I honestly think that is one of the most appalling and damaging things anyone could say to a child, although sadly I have no idea how you can broach the issue with your employer (?).

I really hope someone else comes along with a good suggestion and you can get it sorted out quickly.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Fri 23-Nov-12 10:20:18

Oh and I'd say "they were really upset, it must hurt /cut more then you thought as they've obviously been thinking it over working themselves up"

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Fri 23-Nov-12 10:18:34

I've heard a mum use this and her son is a particular pickle!!! Kids need to feel secure, emotional blackmail is not the way to do this!

BertieBotts Fri 23-Nov-12 10:17:11

Holy shit. That's terrible.

How is the child supposed to feel secure if the parent says things like this? It's like saying to a toddler "Okay then, if you're not coming we'll go without you" and then actually leaving them there. (I don't really like this as a threat anyway, but still)

My four year old tells me he hates me all the time, I just ignore it. They're just expressing their emotions in an immature way.

DoISay Fri 23-Nov-12 10:13:41

HSMM - agree thats why I feel I should say something.

HSMM Fri 23-Nov-12 10:07:45

It's emotional abuse ... I respond to I hate you with I love you.

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