Note: Please bear in mind that this is a discussion board, not a place to advertise childcare vacancies or recruit childminders/nannies etc. We don't mind the odd mumsnet regular mentioning that they're looking for a job/mindee (although you're probably better off in MN Local) but repeated job "ads" and posts from nanny/babysitting agencies aren't fair to people who are paying for small business ads. Do feel free to report any you see. Thanks, MNHQ.

If you heard a childs parent say

(35 Posts)
DoISay Fri 23-Nov-12 09:14:50

something upsetting to the child.

Context

Child "I hate you"
Parent "Well if you hate me then I wont be here when you finish school"

Parent later jokes about it to me and says maybe it'll teach child a lesson as they are actually going away for the weekend and the child doesn't know.

sad

Would you tell the parent (one of your parents) that it was unacceptable or just deal with the tears and upset later on from the child and not say a word?

McLurkin Fri 23-Nov-12 09:32:45

Omg that makes me feel sad.

I'm not a cm, but I wonder if you can say something like "I just wanted to let you know how upset x was when you said that to him the other day. In my experience children say I hate you when they're scared or upset and what I do is tell them how sad I am that they feel like that but that I still love them." or something that you would do, to gently plant an idea in their heads rather than get them on the defensive by telling them its unacceptable.

DoISay Fri 23-Nov-12 09:52:05

I don't mean unacceptable more that it really does cause issues - it has been said before.

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease Fri 23-Nov-12 09:52:39

That's the sort of thing my parents did. I was quite screwed up!

DoISay Fri 23-Nov-12 09:52:45

I mean she has said the I won't come back then when child has been naughty in the morning etc.

DoISay Fri 23-Nov-12 09:54:03

Parent works away a lot and is about to be away 5 days out of 7 for the next 3 months - so think maybe I should say something as it is an unpredictable atmosphere for child - they cope but if mum is saying this...

IAmSoFuckingRock Fri 23-Nov-12 09:55:22

that's very cruel to tell a child that, especially knowing that you wont be there later!

i think i would have to tell the parent if the child was upset by it.

3littlefrogs Fri 23-Nov-12 09:56:18

They sound really horrible. That is an awful way to treat a child.

This makes me so sad, no wonder we have so many screwed up kids, with parents who have so little insight and ability to actually parent.

looneytune Fri 23-Nov-12 09:58:53

Oh that's just awful, poor child sad I had my first 'I hate you' from my 9 year old a few months ago as he stomped up the stairs. I gave him time then sat on the end of his bed calmly asking if he meant it and when he said no I asked why he thought he said it and it was just he was a bit emotional and it came out, we chatted and hugged and all was fine after. When my 4 year old has not got his own way and said 'I don't love you' I've always replied 'well I love you, I don't always like your behaviour but I'll always love you'. What she said it's cruel WITHOUT her actually going away but as she is, I'm shocked! I agree you should say something so she's aware that's not on!

ProcrastinatingPanda Fri 23-Nov-12 09:59:25

That's quite sad, the poor child. I'd maybe mention it to the parent how upset the child was.

DS tells me he hates me sometimes, I reply with "well you can't stop me from loving you, and you're stuck with me until you're 16."

HSMM Fri 23-Nov-12 10:07:45

It's emotional abuse ... I respond to I hate you with I love you.

DoISay Fri 23-Nov-12 10:13:41

HSMM - agree thats why I feel I should say something.

BertieBotts Germany Fri 23-Nov-12 10:17:11

Holy shit. That's terrible.

How is the child supposed to feel secure if the parent says things like this? It's like saying to a toddler "Okay then, if you're not coming we'll go without you" and then actually leaving them there. (I don't really like this as a threat anyway, but still)

My four year old tells me he hates me all the time, I just ignore it. They're just expressing their emotions in an immature way.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Fri 23-Nov-12 10:18:34

I've heard a mum use this and her son is a particular pickle!!! Kids need to feel secure, emotional blackmail is not the way to do this!

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Fri 23-Nov-12 10:20:18

Oh and I'd say "they were really upset, it must hurt /cut more then you thought as they've obviously been thinking it over working themselves up"

DumSpiroSpero Fri 23-Nov-12 10:26:13

That is absolutely disgusting behaviour on the part of the parent.

My mum was told stuff like this by her childminder (that her mother wouldn't come back for her if she was naughty). She was too scared to even tell her mum it was going on for a while.

My mum is 73 now and has never forgotten those experiences, and has had separation issues for most of her adult life (other factors contributing admittedly).

I honestly think that is one of the most appalling and damaging things anyone could say to a child, although sadly I have no idea how you can broach the issue with your employer (?).

I really hope someone else comes along with a good suggestion and you can get it sorted out quickly.

DoISay Fri 23-Nov-12 10:45:55

I need to say something.

Also mums long distance partner is visiting. child wants to spend time with partner and has been told partner has come to see mum and not child. which is true but doesn't sit right with me. :-(

DumSpiroSpero Fri 23-Nov-12 10:47:09

I know you must really feel for the child in this situation, but do you really think you can carry on working for this family?

Floggingmolly Fri 23-Nov-12 10:51:18

That's bloody awful sad.
You know what they say; you need a licence to have a dog...

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Fri 23-Nov-12 10:53:11

Who looks after the child when the parent is away? Because you need to tell them, to make sure they know why child is upset tonight.

DoISay Fri 23-Nov-12 11:22:59

I will look after the child I am the nanny.

BertieBotts Germany Fri 23-Nov-12 11:25:01

That's horrendous - does the partner not have a relationship with the child? He should be coming to see BOTH of them if so. If not, why has the child even been introduced anyway? sad

DumSpiroSpero Fri 23-Nov-12 11:25:35

Do you feel you could raise it with your employer, as someone else said, in the context of "X was very upset about you being away this evening, I think they might have taken what you said to heart a bit."

Is the child's dad on the scene at all?

Maryz Cote D'Ivoire Fri 23-Nov-12 11:28:42

Sorry, I missed the section this was in blush.

That's terrible. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place aren't you. If you don't say something she will carry on, if you do she might not like it and make life difficult.

Is there another family member you have any contact with that you could talk to?

If it carries on the child will really hate them sad

ThePoppyAndTheIvy Fri 23-Nov-12 11:32:58

Poor child, I have heard a mum say something along the lines of the "well if you hate me you won't want me to pick you up later" type thing but NEVER when they actually weren't going to be there!

That is just so cruel sad. The mother sounds very selfish & slightly unhinged.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now