Mumsnet Talk

Just looking to get some thoughts and feedback here. We are 6 months in to au pair No1. I am anticipating that I will probably be looking for someone new for summer/September. I asked DS [6] what he thought about it and he raised quite adamantly that he wanted a 'boy' au pair next time.

How many of you have had a male au pair? does it work? what are the differences? what does one look for?

DS is very sporty and quite a lad's lad, so I think he has visions of cycling competitions, skiing and tree-climbing. Also having a single working mum [and quite minimal weekly contact with his dad who doesn't like to do any of the sports he likes] I think he is looking for an activity buddy. Which is great, but I would need someone who can pull their weight around the house.

I don't want to agree to it until I have a better idea of whether it is workable - so would love some thoughts from the more experienced.

I used to work with someone who moved from a full-time nanny to au pairs/housekeepers once her DC were in secondary school. She much perferred men to women, although obviously that's not a wide-ranging experience. (I think she was a bit unfortunate with one of the women who had been brought in South Africa in a wealthy household with staff and was outraged that she was expected to do the ironing and shopping. My colleague eventually realised that the au-pair had expected to be "in charge of the housekeeping", ie telling the staff what to do. )

Anyway, her theory on why the men worked out better for her was that it wasn't something that they would just fall into the way that women might, which generally meant that they had thought through what the job would involved and chosen it because they liked children and cooking. On the other hand they all saw it as a short-term thing and moved on after six months to travel.

Well, our au pair's boyfriend/fiance is here working as an au pair because his girlfriend is here doing the same thing and they wanted to be in the same country together...and spend lots of time together.... So, I would ask a lot of questions about why he's doing it. (and if it is girlfriend related what his expectations are on visitors!!!)

having said that, lots of people seem to swear by male au pairs.

I've had 4, 3 were brilliant. One played badminton at county level, another was an under 16 national swimming champ. Fab role models for my kids.

Ironing was shit, mind you, with all of them and I always had to hide my smalls and wash them on the weekend rather than throw them in the family laundry basket.

For me they are far more independent and confident than females and make friends easier

New one is a trained chef but a bit hopeless on the sports side, so jury is still out on him.

We have considered boys for the last two APs but unfortunately the economic situation in Europe (particularly Eastern Europe and Spain) means that there are many unemployed young men with no hope of finding work in their own country and no interest or ability in child care who are desparate for any opportunity for work in the UK: we have not yet found any we were confident were genuine. I hope you have better luck (if you find two, send us one - my DS and I are fed up with the 4:2 ratio here )

I have had two male au pairs in the past and two female. All were pretty good.

Wow, some great info here.

I think the sports side is probably much more important to me than the ironing. [which my current female AP is also hopeless at]. I also agree with stillsquiffy about the laundry - think it would be DS's only!

MrAnchovy, your point was really interesting, I'd had a quick peak at au pair world and saw a lot of males who didn't even really mention children in their profile - that explains it.

As a male nanny I think it's great that you are considering a male aupair.

I would point out that everyone is different... don't assume that all men like sport and are sporty. If your DS wants an activity buddy, tell potential aupairs the list of activities and get a feel for if they would be happy doing those.

I do all laundry, doesn't bother me... if it were to bother a boss then I wouldn't mind them doing their own. I don't do Ironing, I'm just not good at that (maybe you could say I should do it as I need the practice ).

Hi Nannynick, Thanks for that - I will definitely be listing cycling, swimming, skiing and tree-climbing then!

Just to further pick your brain, do you think a male au pair would be ok with the gossip factor - I live in a small [very close-knit, very married] village and I'm sure some of the mums would have something to say/snigger about on the school run. Is this something I should explain up front? I mean I wouldn't want an au pair to arrive and be shocked or made uncomfortable by it all. Although saying that I wouldn't have a clue how to explain it myself. Or should I just hope for the best?

Just to update and ask for more advice. I decided to bite the bullet and got the ad out for a male au pair. Huge amount of response and have whittled down to 3 good options, 1 who I am strongly leaning towards.

My current au pair has been very helpful, making suggestions about information, suggesting she could email and skype with her replacement over the next couple of months, and do a handover shadowing type thing.

I explained to her last night that I had found these 3, mainly to check that she was ok with her email being passed on. We chatted and she suggested bringing the one we liked the most over for a visit for a few days.

However, this morning DS and au pair got into an argument about getting ready for school - she apparently burst into tears and shouted at him, he phoned me at work to ask if he could change her for a new one before Easter because she was too moany. She's been texting today to say that if he wanted his new male au pair so badly perhaps she should finish earlier - sounds very tearful and included lots of sad faces in her texts.

Firstly, have I made a HUGE mistake involving her in the process? should I have done this quietly behind her back, note: she was the one who gave the June end time. What do I do now?

Also, do I let the 'ending early' thing blow over [DS has AS and tends to be very blunt in how he communicates with and about people so I'm not too worried about what he said - more about her reaction] or is it something that now it has started won't stop?

Any advice greatly appreciated!

I think your son is getting over excited over the next aupair and he's making the life of this one difficult on purpose. You should not let a 6 year old dictate the rules.

She sounds quite immature though. Just reassure her that you are looking forward to her staying for her whole term and appreciate her help with selecting the next one...how old is your son? Agree he shouldn't 'dictate terms' but a more mature ap would also have handled it differently. I would be exasperated in your shoes with the lot of them! I must say.

Firstly, have I made a HUGE mistake involving her in the process?

That probably wasn't a great idea but I think involving a 6 year old child with AS introduces particular difficulties. Still it's done now, I think you will just have to try to explain to him that it is important to plan for things that are going to happen in the future, but we stil need to get on with things that we need to do each day without making a fuss.

Thanks for the reply, this whole ap thing is such a big learning process, if it wasn't for mumsnet I probably would have lost my mind by now.

Ds is 6, and I acknowledge what Just and Lady said about dictation but it is a bit like that when managing his AS. I think the word 'immature' struck a note though, she is fully aware of his AS and how to respond/ignore certain things, so I didn't expect her to handle this differently.

Last night and this morning seems much calmer, so hopefully it was just a storm in a teacup.

Can someone give me an 'idiot's guide' to au pair changeover then [as clearly I need it], I had read some older threads and they seemed to suggest that involving the departing one was a good thing - but perhaps I have misunderstood.

Single the handover totally depends on the APs involved. There is no hard and fast rule. We don't do a handover with both APs on site but our former and APs-to-be have communicated a lot via Facebook. So get to know each other that way and chat about the role/us.

The main reason we don't do it is that DH and I like to have a nice long break in between (he's a teacher). We also have a part time nanny who can show the new one the ropes when she arrives.

If you can't take that much time off from work it may be better to do a handover with the old AP there too. However, if you are changing lots of things about the role (hours, pay, other terms, house rules) then this can be awkward espec if they are very important things you want to do differently. You may have to accept that it's better for the old one not to be involved.

Our neighbours tend to have much the same arrangement year in and year out and they always do a handover with the old AP- it works fine.

I would think very carefully before involving a current AP in any selection process though. Don't beat yourself up about it (I think your situation recoverable) just something to consider for the future.

One reason for this - which you may be able to use as a get out so to speak to pull your current AP out of the process - is that if you don't select someone but they've already been chatting/bonding etc via email it can be put your current AP in a difficult situation. Our friends mentioned above APs and was contacted by a couple of girls wanting to know when the familyw as going to make a decision, why they hadn't been chosen. Even with our AP last year, it gets to be a bit of an imposition on them if the candidates have LTOS of questions. This year - for this and other reasons - we're only going to encourage them to speak tot he person we've chosen, after they've accepted.

Lady, thanks for this. It is highliy unlikely I will get any time off for the handover and the post will be exactly the same [apart from being male not female] so I will most likely be relying heavily on departing au pair to do the induction element.

I see what you mean about the email thing - very important and I hadn't considered that, I would want her to feel 'bombarded' by email and messages from different people. Will keep it just the one I decide on.

Do you do the visit before? I didn't for the first one as we were pushed for time and was very new to the process, but reading other threads it sounds quite helpful for checking for 'fit' but then would it make the situation worse?

I tend to agree with Harriet - and only give out past AP's emails once the new AP has accepted the job. I will do handovers myself and have never had past AP and potential AP together, mainly because I don't want any bad habits inadvertantly passed on, and also so that it won't confuse my dc. My APs have dealt with my DC differently, and I prefer their natural talents to come through rather than being influenced by anyone else.

I would also definately recommend a visit beforehand. Bear in mind though you will have to pay flights and associated costs for your AP so it is an expensive option. However it does give peace of mind for you and the AP. My APs have found it very helpful and have said that it makes their first day with us less frightening as they have an idea of what to expect. I also believe you can tell immediately from a trial visit whether they will be a good fit or not.

Single, we did this once with an ap we trialled and didn't hire her. I guess I'm glad I did it from that point of view. BUT our dds were younger then and the AP was going to have to look after ten month old for a period of time on her own in the early evening. So it was vital we got the right person.

It's not part of my current recruitment process because we have the nanny to fall back on and the children are quite a bit older. If the AP were going to be on her own again, I might do it. Or if we moved and there was some question whether the location would suit her.

I would be reluctant to do it with a current AP in situ though unless I were quite sure that it was likely we were going to hire her.

It was very awkward to tell the girl who came and met us she didn't have the job. I would not want to repeat it, esp if she'd come, met current AP, and then concluded she didn't stack up in comparison etc. But I'm a bit of a wimp about stuff like that.

Thanks metro and Lady,

Lots of food for thought there. There is sole charge for about 2 1/2 hours each morning, so that does seem to add weight to the 'pro' visit side.

Perhaps I might have to engineer a visit whilst the current ap is away for the weekend or something.

Thanks again for the helpful tips.

I think the AS factor makes a trial visit imperative in your case.