Bringing DD to hospital day of c-section - your thoughts??

(142 Posts)
Mummy252 Fri 03-May-13 15:47:55

Ok, so dd is 21 months and I'm due for an elective c-section( after very bad birth with her) in 2 weeks!!
To be fair dd and I may have some attachment issues, we literally spend every waking and sleeping for that matter moment together. She doesn't go to nursery and is with me 24/7, we tried nursery but both of us hated it.

Anyway, I'm dreading being away from her overnight as I genuinely don't remember anyone else ever putting her to sleep/ getting her up etc and I know she will be very confused.
My mum is coming over in the morning as we leave very early for hospital so dd will wake up with her. I know there's 3 of us booked in that day and they usually only book 2 so no idea when I will actually go down to theatre.
My question is could dd come to the hospital with us? With my mum of course? Then we can be together and wake up together etc until its time to go to theatre? I want her to come see me and her baby brother after the birth anyway?
Just wondering how others played it with their little ones when they went in?

quoteunquote Fri 03-May-13 16:44:07

I would just leave her with your mum, and let her settle,

She will be fine, you are over thinking it.

givemeaclue Fri 03-May-13 16:47:53

You do know you could be in for five days?

She won't be able to have her stay over night

noblegiraffe Fri 03-May-13 16:50:07

Oh dear god no. I had to be at the hospital at 7am and didn't actually go to theatre till 3pm due to emergencies. I was sat on a bed in a cubicle in the maternity day assessment unit waiting the whole time, listening to women coming in for monitoring. It would have been an absolute nightmare trying to entertain a toddler at the same time as trying to keep calm about the impending operation. I ended up on a drip too due to being nil by mouth in preparation, but getting dehydrated.

Leave her with your mum.

AlanMoore Fri 03-May-13 16:54:07

You won't be allowed a toddler on the ward outside of set visiting times and I doubt your mum either - only birth partners. Please phone and check, don't just turn up mob handed which will upset dd and inconvenience busy staff having to deal with you all.
She will be fine, she is going to have to get used to less attention very soon anyway!

BlueberryHill Fri 03-May-13 16:55:33

No way, I left early so didn't see DS on the day at all, he came in the next day once I had recovered a bit. DS was fine and had a great time with my parents.

I waited most of the day and went in in the afternoon, after being there since 7 am. Any emergencies have priority, obviously, so it could be late when they see you. My DH ate kit kats in front of me, it is dull, dull, dull. Then post CS, you feel a bit shit, it may be late in the day, there are loads of checks. I just kept it with DH and I. It is just one day.

lotsofcheese Fri 03-May-13 16:55:48

Absolutely not! Having had 2 c-sections, I would say that the day of the surgery & the next day are a write off: for example you will be catheterised for 24 hours post-operatively, probably using a wheelchair (if you can actually get up out your bed), on fairly strong painkillers.

Maybe do a trial run with your mum beforehand so you feel confident?

Mummy252 Fri 03-May-13 17:01:04

My dr said 2 nights should be fine and possibly 1 night if I'm ok and went to theatre early. I know she can't be with me overnight, dh will be back looking after her in the evenings but I want her with me and as involved as possible. I have my post-op 2 days before the actual day so I have all these questions that I want answering but realistically before 2 days before the section.
Dh works away so dd really is used to it being me and her so is not going to find this easy. She knows mummy has a baby in her belly and the doctor needs to get him out so mummy will have "a boo boo" when he comes on her tummy. She's really switched on and I think the more she sees the more she will understand rather than just keeping her away. If that makes sense.
I know that a section is the best choice for me as last time I couldn't walk for nearly 6 weeks! If that happened again I can't imagine how I would cope!! But there's this annoying little voice in my head saying it might not happen and I might have a perfectly normal birth and be home and running round the next day!! (My sisters all had labours under 5 hours, no tears and no epidurals with all theirs!! sad) but I know that it would be a huge gamble for me. I just hate the idea if being away from her! Think as it gets closer I'm just dreading that more and more!!
I'm not scared of the operation. They can do what they want to me!! I just want to be up and about and there for dd to make this transition as easy as possible!!

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Fri 03-May-13 17:03:04

In my local hospital children aren't allowed on the antenatal ward and delivery suite, and only on the postnatal ward at set times so it would be a nonissue

You should check with the midwives before you decide, it would be very upsetting for your dd if you took her and they made her leave

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Fri 03-May-13 17:05:25

I also think it would be very unfair on other women who might be scared/labouring/in pain to have a toddler around

EuroShaggleton Fri 03-May-13 17:06:41

Can you do some warm up attempts at having your mum put her to bed before you go in? If not, it will be very stressful.

rubyslippers Fri 03-May-13 17:06:46

i honestly think that she shouldn't be involved with it

she will see you prepped and with a drip etc - she may well find it distressing apart from the fact that she wouldn't be allowed to stay with you

Let your mum have her and make that into an exciting adventure for your DD

doublecakeplease Fri 03-May-13 17:07:59

I don't think it would be a suitable environment for her at all, even if they let her be there which i very much doubt. It's not appropriate - i had an emcs but still had to wait (6sections in our hospital that day - 3 planned, 3 emcs)
the first planned was pushed back from 9am to 9pm! I was stressed and frightened and wouldn't have thanked anyone for having a toddler there. Sorry if that sounds harsh though!!

givemeaclue Fri 03-May-13 17:10:32

She won't be allowed in to the delivery suite.

Why would you want your child as involved as possible in major surgery?

Mummy252 Fri 03-May-13 17:11:31

We did a trial of dh taking dd to bed. After an hour of "mama" and tears we gave up! Dd never cries going to sleep! It was horrendous!
She will be fine with my mum in the day, she has spent a few hours alone with mum before, I just worry that having not seen me in the day she will be ten times worse at night with dh and be terribly unhappy. The idea of her going to sleep so upset kills me.

I knew I was going to feel like this the second they mentioned c-sections. Like I said I know after last time it's the sensible option and 2 days isn't that bad (trust me I will be out in 2 days if I have to crawl!) but I am finding myself just wishing labor would start and I could do 90% of it at home and just go in when I absolutely needed to and be back out ASAP too but like I said last time I was barely able to walk for 6 weeks so whilst the idea of a good natural labor sounds perfect the actuality might be somewhat different!
With dd I had an emergency forceps delivery after 46hr labor and they tore everything!! I had to go to theatre to be stitched up and they tore right into my back passage! I was a huge mess and had to have 2 blood transfusions!!
FYI I was out if hospital after 2 nights!! I hate hospitals!! But was pretty useless for a long time after!!

Cravingdairy Fri 03-May-13 17:12:29

I personally think it would be an idea to plan for your DD and your mum to spend the day together having a lovely time.

BlueberryHill Fri 03-May-13 17:12:48

I understand that you have lots of hopes and fears about your birth but I think you are being so unrealistic about having your DD with you whilst waiting for and recovering from a CS. I have had two CSs and I think it is a barking idea. Sorry to be blunt, but it is abdominal surgery, would you have your DD with you whilst you underwent surgery? It is only a couple of days, I'd plan for being in more than 1 night just in case.

As others have said the ward is unlikely to allow it, but it is so unrealistic to expect a 21 mo to hang around on a ward all day, if I was waiting for my CS I would be so annoyed about it.

rubyslippers Fri 03-May-13 17:14:26

your DD is going to have to get used to sharing you a lot more as soon as you have the second baby

she won't be able to hold and have your immediate attention 24/7 - that's the reality

you can do things to include her in the arrival of her new sibling to make it a positive transition

she may well go to bed upset but your DH is her parent too - it's really ok and is a good thing that they both get used to this before the second child arrives

I think you're being unfair to anyone else who might be in the unit at the same time as you.

And you need to get your DD used to having less of you - you'll have a baby to attend to, and your DH won't be at home for ever.

How about trying for the next two weeks to get her used to it being Daddy sometimes?

BlueberryHill Fri 03-May-13 17:18:16

First time I was in for 5 nights, DS had jaundice so needed to stay in, nothing major but we needed to stay in. You may not have any choice about leaving after 1 / 2 nights. Agree with Freddie, try to get your DD more used to your DM and DH. It is a positive thing for her to have relationships with others also.

givemeaclue Fri 03-May-13 17:19:08

Do you think that she will be allowed to stay at night?

To be honest, you have had nine months to prep your daughter for this , it all seems a bit last minute drama that you can't possibly be parted from you child so she must accompany you to an unsuitable environment

Ashoething Fri 03-May-13 17:19:44

It wont be allowed-end off. My friend took her toddler and dh as they have no other family in country. She ended up with a c section and they sent dh and toddler home-she had op all alone.

Use this time to encourage your dd to form bonds with others. At 2 years of age and with a new baby imminent then you are doing her no favours otherwise.

Mummy252 Fri 03-May-13 17:22:34

Thanks for the advice everyone. I think it's really what I expected.
Dd will be fine with my mum during the day, she has done this before for a few hours.
It's really the overnight thing I am worried about as she has never been away from me overnight, and as I said our trial run of daddy putting her to bed did not go well. It's something very foreign to her so I think it's really this I am worried about. I hate the idea of letting her down and leaving her to be unhappy and confused about where mummy is and what's happening.
As I said I have lots of questions which I would ask my dr at the pre op but its only 2 days prior to the csection itself and some questions I would like answering prior to that.

I know really its just something that we have got to do. And at the end of it we will have a baby brother for dd!
I think I just feel frustrated that my body is so useless at pregnancy and labor!! I'm super healthy and there's no reason for all these problems! I guess I'm
Just used to pushing my body wether its in marathons or whatever and I expect it to work, it's just so strange to want something and have your body just fail miserably and there's nothing you can do about it!!

AvonCallingBarksdale Fri 03-May-13 17:24:38

But, OP, however much you want to involve her and not be parted from her, the reality is that you're going to have a newborn who will be totally dependent on you for all its needs. Your DD is going to have to take a backseat, isn't she. I know the benefit of hindsight is great, but I think it may have been an idea to prepare her a bit more by spending time with DH/your mum without you as now it's all a bit last minute. Good luck with your new baby.

Mummy252 Fri 03-May-13 17:26:23

I didn't think she would be allowed to stay overnight, I just meant she could be with us during visiting hours which are 12-6pm at our hospital, or they were when I had her!

BlueberryHill Fri 03-May-13 17:26:39

Your body isn't failing, it is producing a baby, it is just coming out slightly differently. It will be a nervous day for you as well, give yourself and your new baby a break.

As for letting your daughter down, she isn't going to remember in a couple of months. Try to prepare now to make is a bit easier for all and so that you can worry less about it on the day, you will have enough to do then. Good luck

What did you think was going to happen about overnight? Surely you knew, given the damage the last time, that a section was the most likely option?

I don't mean to come across as harsh, but you really need to start getting DD used to Daddy/Grandma/Whoever - you'll have a new baby to attend to soon and sometimes that baby is going to have to come first.

GettingObsessive Fri 03-May-13 17:28:43

I think you need to practice having your mum put her to bed - when you are not there. Of course she's going to ask for you if you are just downstairs. She'll never settle for second best if best is available.

QTPie Fri 03-May-13 17:30:10

I think that you will be surprised if you "leave them to it" (ie your mum/DH and DD)....

If I am in the house, then DS always wants me. If I go out or someone takes him out, then he gets on with it and is as good as gold. Yes, if she knows that you are around, she will cry her eyes out until you give in.

Completely "closing door after the horse has bolted", but building flexibility into childcare over time (so a child is happy in the care of others) can be completely invaluable. Especially when you have a second and there will be many many many times when your first child will not be at the top of your list if priorities.

Good luck.

tourdefrance Fri 03-May-13 17:31:20

Really sorry you had such an awful birth last time OP. I had a c section for ds1 and did not get home for 3 days so I think 1 night is massively optimistic. I had a natural birth for ds2
Can you keep your options open and see how labour goes? You can get c sec if necessary but it may be much better this time around.

Mummy252 Fri 03-May-13 17:32:15

She won't have to take a backseat at all when the baby comes, I have no intentions of depriving her of anything. I have 2 arms and can do anything she wants whist carrying/ holding baby! When she was a baby it never stopped me doing anything and we were always together!!
I'm not breast feeding, didn't with her either so I plan on involving her with much of the babies care, from bottle feeding to passing me wipes when he's pooped. Dd has been well prepared for life after baby is here, it will be 3 of us not 2 of us 24/7 but she will still have my 100% attention as will baby. She will continue to do all her clubs etc and baby will come along in our harness. It really is just the hospital time that is worrying me, after that I can handle the rest, and do so in a way that dd never misses a minute of my attention!

Mummy - I mean this kindly. You are living in cloud cuckoo fairyland if you think she won't ever have to come second when the new baby comes.

Print out that post and read it in 6 months.

It's a physical impossibility for 2 children each to have 100% of your attention.

outtolunchagain Fri 03-May-13 17:36:54

Were you in the house for your practice with dh putting to bed? It may be completely different if you are not there ,with one of mine if he even slightly got the sense that I would do it then there was no stopping him but strangely if I was completely out he was no problem.Its a bit like a baby being able to smell the milk.

I have to say I feel a little sorry for your new baby as his welfare doesn't seem to figure at all in your plans . What will you do if he has jaundice or something and isn't well enough to go home after 2 days ; leave anyway because your daughter wants you ?

Sorry I know that sounds harsh but sometimes you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette , you dd may be upset but in the long run she will gain from learning to use another adult .

Mummy252 Fri 03-May-13 17:38:37

I look after my nephew who is in a wheel chair all the time. Trust me if I can push him and carry her (she weighs 28lbs) whist being 37 weeks pregnant then I'm pretty sure I can manage her and a newborn without ignoring her.
They don't make pushchairs that attach to wheelchairs for 10 year olds! He weighs a lot more than her. She walks a lot too but he takes a lot of looking after, can't feed himself etc, she does it all with me and is never left out!!

BlueberryHill Fri 03-May-13 17:38:37

Aah bless, that is so sweet OP and so unrealistic.

outtolunchagain Fri 03-May-13 17:39:29

Sorry meant to say trust another adult .

With all due respect, he's your nephew. You look after him. A baby of your own, in the house 24/7 is a totally different kettle of fish.

ExcuseTypos Fri 03-May-13 17:42:24

I agree that you should leave the house when someone else is putting your dd to bed. It's natural for you to be upset when you hear her cry and she will k ow you're in the house so will cry even more.

You say she is bright, so tell her you are going out and daddy or granny, will put her to bed. Tell her you'll see her in the morning, and do it!

You should do this a couple of times before you go into hospital so she gets a chance to get used to it.

Mummy252 Fri 03-May-13 17:44:17

And my nephews welfare is never second best either, I do everything either of them want / need. Yes I go to bed exhausted and my back has been killing me for about 10 weeks now but my kids never know it and it never stops me or them!
I took the 2 of them to Chester zoo for the day a couple of weeks ago, stayed overnight and did blue planet aquarium the next day. It's all about organisation (which I do when she's in bed) and outright determination.

In 6 weeks I fully plan to have all 3 of them out and about!!!

I mean this kindly. You are in for a shock. And a bit of a rude awakening. And so is your DD. You're doing her no favours if you don't step up and get her used to someone else in the next couple of weeks.

TerrysAllGold Fri 03-May-13 17:45:50

Take it from a mother of 2 who had an elective section with the second and who is very independent and determined, hates hospitals and very self-sufficient:

1. If you leave hospital within 48 hours of the section you quite possibly will have to crawl out of there.

2. Your firstborn will have to come second, will have to wait occasionally. She will not, however, die or self-combust because of it and neither will you.

3. You won't be carrying a baby in a sling or carrying a toddler immediately after a section. You really won't.

4. You will re-read this in a few years time and want to curl up in a hole with embarrassment.

BlueberryHill Fri 03-May-13 17:46:29

Sorry, that post looks out of place now, it was in reponse to your post at 17:32.

AvonCallingBarksdale Fri 03-May-13 17:49:08

it will be 3 of us not 2 of us 24/7 but she will still have my 100% attention as will baby. It really is just the hospital time that is worrying me, after that I can handle the rest, and do so in a way that dd never misses a minute of my attention

Okaaaaaaaaaay. How will they both have 100% of your attention? confused It sounds like your newborn is just going to have to fit around your DD in every aspect. I think you're in cloud cuckoo land and you may want to reread this thread in a few months! Er, good luck?

Blatherskite Fri 03-May-13 17:53:15

You need to start getting her better bonded to your DH fast!

Maybe for the next week, the three of you do bedtimes together starting with you taking the lead and DH just being around and gradually phasing so that your DH is doing the most of the work while you are just there. Obviously, it would have been better to start this weeks ago but there's no point stressing over that now.

When I went in to have my ELCS with DD they promised me that if all went well, I'd only need to be in 1 night rather than 2 - I was still in for 2 nights even though everything went perfectly.

ExcuseTypos Fri 03-May-13 17:53:35

I too have had 2 CS. I spent a couple of months getting dd used to the idea of staying over with her grandma and I told her she would stay there for a few days when I had the new baby.

She did come in and see me the day I had the section. I wish she hadn't. sad I was in hooked up to numerous lines, I couldnt sit up or cuddle her and she really was confused.

I wished she'd visited for the first time, the following day when I was up and about and pain free.

Do you absolutely have to have a section? DS1 was born in theatre by ventouse and I had 3rd degree tears. Was told afterwards that if I had another child then I'd need a section but another obstetrician I saw just before DS2 was born was much more in favour of a vd saying there was no reason I should tear again. I had DS2 in a birthing pool in a midwife-led unit. He popped out easily. The obsteician was sadly wrong and I did have horrid 3rd degree tears again and sitting down and walking were pretty uncomfortable, to say the least, but it was much easier to recover from than major abdominable surgery and I was home within several hours of his birth.

handcream Fri 03-May-13 17:58:14

Op - I am really sorry - but are you in a Disney movie? 100% attention to your DD - what's left for your new baby?

You sound a bit daft tbh - you have got yourself in this position and are now wondering whether your toddler can come to the hospital with you. Sorry - once again but you are in for a horrible horrible shock.

You are also I fear setting yourself up to raise a little princess who will kick and scream once she realises she is not the centre of your universe.

This isnt one of those joke threads is it?

Iggi101 Fri 03-May-13 18:01:36

As a teacher I kind of dread teaching anyone like your dd, meant in the nicest possible way! You are doing her no favours to treat her like this, and what role do other caring adults get to play in her life?
My second child did split the attention I was able to give, but you know what? Dc1 adores dc2, and is happy with the new scenario - he would not swap back to when it was all about him.
I have waited 8 hours for an ecs once, wouldn't fancy it with a toddler.

cocoplops Fri 03-May-13 18:04:44

Not sure how helpful all this chastising of the op is?! She's worried about her dd and being away from her. You're definitely going to be shared between your dd and new wee Ds and that is quite a challenge! I'm sure you're not expecting it to be a breeze anyway.

Anyway....I'm sure you've got the idea that probably you won't be allowed her on the ward before you go in or during the post op recovery phase (which lasts until you're stable enough to go back on the ward). My recovery always seems to take a good few hours but I don't react we'll to the morphine and feel really yuck. If you feel sick take the anti sickness meds they are great!

I was like you a bit - was so worried about my first Ds and knew I would miss him. Had had a c section before but still was planning on having him come to ward that evening after having op early morning. Actually cancelled it as felt too bad and looked quite frightful too. You can be pretty incapacitated for 12-16 hours (longer for me - I'm a wuss!). Anyway you may be fine - a friend of mine was decathed and up and about (gingerly) the same day.

Your dd will be fine. I know its easy to say, but your DM and DH will manage. It's a very short amount of time in the grand scheme of things.

pizzaqueen Fri 03-May-13 18:13:21

Where does your DH come into all of this? What does he want? And how do you have any time for a relationship when you DD is with you 24/7? Don't you have any couple time? Even a dinner date without her? I feel a bit sorry for him, it seems like he's sidelined for your DD.

I don't think it would be fair on your DD to see you so soon after major surgery. She will be confused and may not want to leave again. Get your mum to plan lots of fun things for the two of then so she doesn't even have the chance to miss you, and to tire her out for bedtime. It will be fine. What if you had an accident and had to spend time I hospital your DD would just need to adapt, at least you have time to plan for this.

BrittaPie Fri 03-May-13 18:13:36

I don't want to worry you, but things could go wrong with the section (like they can with any birth) and you could be in for a week quite easily. You will not be able to lift at all for three weeks at least, usually six, without risking harming yourself and causing more complications.
It isn't determination - you are setting yourself up for a big disappointment. Sometimes biology gets in the way.

My dd1 was older, dd2 was my second section, no complications and was breast fed (so could be fed hands free while still cuddling, no time needed for bottles etc) and still I needed help with dd1 as well as with dd2 for the first couple of weeks.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

handcream Fri 03-May-13 18:16:47

I am not so sure seeing the OP responses that she really wants to let go. I think she likes the fact that they are together 24/7. It sounds very odd tbh.

pizzaqueen Fri 03-May-13 18:19:02

Handcream I completely agree. I understand people missing their DC and wanting to be with them but this is extreme.

Also a bit deluded about life with two in to. Sometimes DD will need to come second, when baby needs feeding etc.

AvonCallingBarksdale Fri 03-May-13 18:21:15

Agree handcream. And some parents like the idea that their DC can only be looked after by them, that they're the only ones who can do it properly. That's all good and well..... until the child in question goes to nursery/school. I think the OP is setting herself up for a much harder time than is necessary. OP, your DD will be absolutely fine without your 100% attention. It'll teach her to be a little more independent and resourceful, all very useful skills to have smile

Mummy252 Fri 03-May-13 18:25:28

I love being together 24/7, feel very lucky to have that time with my kids. Also as I mentioned dh works away, he is home 2 weeks away 6. I also mentioned my dad has dementia so my mum is his full time carer so unlike many others its just me, I don't have anyone else most of the time.
Dd is not a princess and is independent but is also used to having mummy around! She is only 21 months old so I don't think a certain amount of attachment is a bad thing.
Dh will be home for 2 weeks after the section, to the day, after that I'm
Back on my own so saying I'm bring unrealistic, well that's nice for you if you have others to help but I don't. BUT I'm used to doing stuff on my own so I'm not worried about life after that. I have my nephew 2/3 nights a week overnight and in the days so I'm used to having 2 kids and my dd loves helping me with him. She is used to sharing me but that doesn't mean she gets ignored. There's a difference.

handcream Fri 03-May-13 18:26:37

My DM (an ex reception school teacher) says you can always tell the ones who have never been to nursery (and I dont see OP sending her DD to one) They have a sense of entitlement (in the nicest possible way - one that only a 4/5 year old can have) about being the centre of the universe.

Their parents are a complete nightmare according to Mum. One even wanted to sit next to her child during lessons as she screamed and cried when her mum left. Complained to the Head when Mum said it wasnt a good idea.

OP - please please listen to others who have posted. You are setting yourself and your family for a massive fall. Please remember your DP in all of this too. How left out he must be feeling.

Also, tbh - this doesnt sound at all a healthy relationship.

handcream Fri 03-May-13 18:28:54

Op -please - she cannot be independent - you are always there! She wont do anything without you. You are even planning for her to come to the hospital with you. What next, in the theatre!

QTPie Fri 03-May-13 18:35:34

Take very good care of yourself: if you are having an ELCS (I did), then it is very major surgery. If you manage to get out, 6 weeks post op, with your new DC in a sling, carrying your DD and pushing a wheelchair, them you will probably do yourself some major injury. CS recovery is not just about pain, it is also about "healing" (through many layers of stitches). If you do not take it easy you may well end up back in hospital.

Re giving both (or 3) children 100%, then you are incredibly optimistic during those early weeks. Something somewhere is likely to give...

Take care of yourself.

outtolunchagain Fri 03-May-13 18:37:04

OP you sound super human and I take my hat off to you but you will need some help after those two weeks.You will not be able to lift anything substantial ,certainly not a toddler( please do not ignore the medical advice on this,a friend ruptured her scar and got an infection which ended in more surgery) you also will not be fit to drive.Could you get a mother help for a few weeks just to help with the heavy stuff.

Also your daughter can only gain by forming more trusting relationships with other adults and there will be times when she has to wait whilst you finish feeding/ changing the baby or putting the pushchair together or cooking the dinner and this will be good for her ,being a parent is all about giving them skills to cope with life and having a sibling and learning to wait is all part of that.

CharlieMumma Fri 03-May-13 18:37:44

I can see your anxious about ur dd but ur having major surgery as u have another child to consider as well. Saying u will be out in 2 days even if ur crawling out is foolhardy u don't know what might happen to u or the baby they might not feed well or u might be unwell. (Hopefully not of course) but u don't seem to be very prepared for what could happen just obsessing about ur dd. maybe ur mum should have her alot the next two weeks so she more used to spending time with her. I guess with a two week deadline there's not much u can do if she has a bad night going to sleep with out u she will soon be fine once everyone home. Don't mean to be harse u just need to think of urself and the new baby as well as ur dd

handcream Fri 03-May-13 18:40:56

You cant drive for 6 weeks (someone correct me if I am wrong) . Dont make things difficult for yourself by setting unrealistic expectations of what you or your DD are going to be able to do or not do.

I also have a feeling that you both sleep together. What happens when your DH comes back? Having a friend who let her DS sleep in the martial bed until he was 8 (!!) her DH went to sleep in the spare room and then a few years later left her for a women who is his words 'paid him some attention and cared about him'

Having said that- millions of women have gone onto to have more than one child. I had two - if I had stayed at one he might well have become the centre of our universe.

Mummy252 Fri 03-May-13 18:43:01

Really? Because as an ex-teacher I always felt it was very sad to see kids (high school admittedly) who would rather be at school than at home. Kids who were being bullied etc who couldn't talk to their parents about it because they felt their parents didn't have enough time for them. Kids who quite frankly needed a cuddle a bit more often.
Dd is independent, she will go to grandma for a few hours, will go off with her friends, we do a lot of clubs and she will go to her teachers etc happily, but she also knows mummy is there if she needs it. How sad if people really want a 1 year old to be so detached from theirs they that they wouldn't be upset that they went away for acoue of nights!
As I said I'm not worried about her In the day, but when she gets tired and isn't sure where I am etc.
dh and dd are very close and I assure you be is as anxious as me at having her alone overnight. My original question was simply a question as I felt if she had seen us in the hospital etc it would help her understand what was happening more.

Mummy252 Fri 03-May-13 18:44:57

My mum may be able to help, she may not, it depends how my dad is, if he is bad she won't.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flowery Fri 03-May-13 18:49:28

She's got to 21 months without getting used to Daddy putting her to bed? sad

Surely you need to spend as much time over the little time you have left getting her used to being cared for by other loving members of her own family. You've left it very late but she's not going to be able to be with you in the hospital and neither will you be able to look after her.

You are doing her no favours at all and thinking nothing will change for her in terms of attention with a new baby brother is completely deluded. You can't feed/comfort/put to sleep/change the nappy of a newborn baby while simultaneously playing the game that your dd is demanding or picking her up, or any of the numerous other things she will demand at the least convenient moment. Because that's what 2yo children do when their mum is suddenly focused on a new baby.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

meglet Fri 03-May-13 18:54:06

When I had DD by planned c-section (then) 20mo DS was allowed to visit me briefly in the high dependency unit at the end of the day for a few minutes. He was pretty much carried in by his Dad, had a little chat with me, peeked at the strange pink baby in the fish tank, charmed the nurses hmm then off they went again. It was 10 mins max, a HD unit is no place for a young child. He saw me for quick 10 min visits over the next 3 days I was in hospital.

Please don't push yourself to get out of hospital just because of your DD, your priority should be resting.

handcream Fri 03-May-13 18:55:13

She's not independent - you wouldnt be asking if she could go to the hospital with you if she was. I feel now that you have said you are an ex teacher that you really should know better.

Surely you dont think that taking a toddler to hospital is the right thing to do. What about all the other women often in labour. What if they need to put a drip into you.

And somehow - if your DD is with you 24/7 - then how can she be very close to her DF?

The fact is she WILL get over it... Your DH is scared that he will not be able to cope with her because - tbh - you havent let him. Now you are almost at D Day and you are panicing.

My children when they were young didnt want to go to bed early. So, one day during a sleepover with 2 friends I said providing they werent running all over the house I would let them stay up talking. He and his friends did - until 3am.

Never again. My DS still remembers how he felt years later when he woke up at 0700...

Mummy252 Fri 03-May-13 18:55:15

Dh just isn't that hands on a dad. No dd doesn't sleep in my bed, she sleeps in her own but I do cuddle her to sleep and when she wakes up she comes and cuddles in ours. Again she is 21 months old, if she can't have cuddles now then I think that's sad.
Dd really isn't demanding. If I have to feed or change my nephew then she helps make the dinners or passes me the stuff out of the bag etc. she just does whatever I do.

noblegiraffe Fri 03-May-13 18:58:07

Hmm, if you're pushing a wheelchair, carrying a 28lb child and you're 37 weeks pregnant and have given yourself a bad back, I can see you pushing things too far after the c-section and ending up with a ruptured scar or worse.

You will not be able to give your DD 100% after the operation. You will not be able to carry her. You will not be able to have her on your lap for cuddles. You will also not be pushing a wheelchair for some time as it pulls your stomach muscles.

Please do not carry on ignoring your own health as after major surgery you could do yourself some real damage.

handcream Fri 03-May-13 18:59:44

You know - what will happen will happen. You are in cloud cuckoo land and arent listening to anyone on this thread. Crawling out of hospital if you have to. Has it come to that? You are having a lovely new baby. You dont need to crawl anywhere.

And if you were rushed into hopsital having burst your stitches or whatever, where would that leave your poor family.

handcream Fri 03-May-13 19:00:59

I feel a matryr here. Someone saying - you cannot do it without me - look at me.

Please - listen to others on this thread and just relax and let others help. Its not all about you and what you want....

lotsofcheese Fri 03-May-13 19:03:24

I've just had a c-section & the written advice from the hospital re: driving is 3-4 weeks provided your insurance company are happy. I contacted mine & they were happy for me to follow the hospitals' advice.

The 1st few days post-op were a real struggle & even 2 weeks down the line, I am struggling with the physical aspects of looking after my DS (eg bathing, dressing etc) & we haven't been out & about much. So you will need help.

OP: the bond I have with my DS has changed, and in some ways I feel a bit sad about that. But having a 2nd child does change things.

I'm afraid to say that the relationship between you & your daughter does not sound healthy. I wonder if your close bond is more for your needs than hers?

handcream Fri 03-May-13 19:06:52

I feel - regardless of what anyone says on this thread - the OP believe she will cope, she will crawl out of hospital and be good for what exactly?

And yes - cheese - I think its the OP who likes it like this and coming from a family of teachers that makes me sad - she should know better.

quoteunquote Fri 03-May-13 19:08:00

OP, when you look back and read this thread, you will wonder why you couldn't hear what was being said to you,

You have left it a little late to get your daughter use to her other parent, I suggest you use the time left to do so, not just for your sake but for her, and for your partner,

he can do it, just as well as you can, you just have to let it happen, does it worry you that he may be able to, and somehow that will make you 'redundant"? You seem to be holding on very tight.

It will do all of you the world of good,

Go away for a night this weekend,don't make a fuss, just go, no build ups, of big goodbyes, and no going daft when you get back, be matter or fact about it, and then do it again in a few days time, keep doing it, and then it won't be a stressful event for anyone, you have a few weeks left to get this going, I would grab every chance you can.

if you do, everyone will be a lot calmer when the real event happens.

RubyrooUK Fri 03-May-13 19:08:11

Mummy, I posted on your other thread about your worries about leaving your DD while in hospital.

I would reconsider how much you involve your DD in your birth. My elder son is 2.5 and I had a c-section seven weeks ago.

1. On the day of the birth, you cannot move around at all. It is quite hard to hold a baby due to the spinal, let alone hug or hold a toddler. My elder son would have found it incredibly cruel and upsetting to see me without being able to get a proper hug.

2. DS came to see me the day after my section (when I was discharged). He found it very unsettling to see me stiff and in pain and in a hospital environment.

3. DS was there when the midwives came to do a check on the new baby. This caused the baby to scream and DS got incredibly upset and scared that the baby was being hurt.

In retrospect, I wish he had not visited. I was thinking of me and how much I wanted to see my gorgeous DS1 and not how unsettling it would be for him to see me in that way. He would have been happier in his own environment.

As I said on the other thread, you need your DH and mum to keep practising settling your DD. Then you can concentrate on your recovery and new DS without concern.

Your DH has only had one try at settling a toddler who has only had their mum at bedtime - of course there were tears! Have you doing it jointly for a few nights, then when she is used to that, you pop to the toilet and DH is left there. Her crying isn't acute distress if she is close to your DH, it's confusion about why things aren't operating as usual. So make it usual for her and then everyone will find it less stressful.

Good luck.

noblegiraffe Fri 03-May-13 19:09:13

The written advice from my hospital 3 months ago was 6 weeks for driving and the insurers made me go to the GP for sign-off if I wanted to drive sooner.

handcream Fri 03-May-13 19:12:01

Please listen to Rubyroo. She has just been through it. Somehow I dont think you will though.

Iggi101 Fri 03-May-13 19:15:20

My last section didn't heal quite right and took 3 months in the end sad
I hope OP has got some time off arranged from caring from nephew too.
I think of course a wee girl that age should be attached to her mum. I don't think anyone is saying no to that. But, she also needs to be attached to some others too.
I do think the OP is maybe confusing attention with love - having a second child shouldn't alter the love for dc1, but will alter the attention!

TheSecondComing Fri 03-May-13 19:21:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LtGreggs Fri 03-May-13 19:30:53

OP - I'm sure there are some practical ways that you can help your DD prepare for the time away from you. At 21 months, she can understand a lot (she'll understand more than she can express verbally)

- Talk to her about the kind of things that will happen, and rehearse scenarios. There's a good book (I think by child's play?) that has the story of a new baby coming in pictures but no words - so you can talk around your situation as you look at the pictures.

- Help her (and you) to practise for emotional resilience. Tell her that it's ok to miss mummy - mummy will also miss you. You can be sad about something AND be OK having a nice time with granny at the same time. That we all have to do things that aren't our top choice sometimes. etc. Let her hear you praise her (or others) for coping well when something non-optimal has happened. Tell her how lucky she is that so many people love her and care about her (mummy and granny and daddy and nephew and xyz)

- she might be old enough to start talking about family 'emergency plans'. My DS1 is a real worrier and it calms him to know that we've got some family ideas for coping in case the sky falls in. Just stuff like 'if we needed help, we could ask neighbour x, just like that time that their DS was poorly and we looked after their DD' etc

I think it's time to put some practical groundwork in place. Also just in case it does turn in to several nights away. This will also serve you well as a just-in-case for whatever unforeseen family emergency might happen in the future.

It would be a bit unfair on your dd to be hanging around the hospital for such a long time wouldnt it? Its not really a place for such a little girl, I can imagine it could even be a little scary for her. I would hand her over to your DM and concentrate on yourself and the new baby then your DD can visit when you can give her real attention.

I think your thinking in extremes tbh, it doesnt have to be away from Mummy bad, 24/7 with Mummy good. As parents our job is to teach little steps of indepence as they grow. I know its hard but once you start letting go a little you`ll soon see the benefits for you both. Its sad that her Daddy cant put her to bed as that helps build a special relationship between the two.

Have you asked yourself honestly whether your keeping your dd with you at all times is for her benefit or yours?

ImNotCute Fri 03-May-13 19:36:13

Hi OP, I had my 2nd DC by elcs last year. I agree with others who have said don't plan on a visit from dd that same day.

My dd came in for a visit the next day and it was fine but she was upset when she had to leave and I was staying- your dd will probably be happier at home with your mum than popping in and out of the hospital, having to say multiple goodbyes.

You do sound a bit unrealistic, it all might go as you hope but it may not. I agree with the poster who said you need to think a little more about yourself and the new baby in this. Good luck!

BathTangle Fri 03-May-13 19:38:23

Have a read of this article: www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/woman/real_life/4844455/i-love-my-daughter-more-than-my-other-kids.html and tell me if you think this relationship is healthy. I don't want to be harsh, but I think you are in that lovely bubble of a relationship with your PFB, and I worry that this is where you are headed.

scottishmummy Fri 03-May-13 19:39:15

your dd will miss out she won't be your immediate priority,baby will
tbh,you come across too rigid and fixed bout all this.try ease up a bit.big bit!
your dd cannot be velcroed to you 24-7,do get her stay at gp.andoing to nursery for free hours

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShowOfHands Fri 03-May-13 19:58:00

I am quite similar to you in some ways op in that I'm stubborn and determined. I've had two emcs and was discharged 12hrs after the first one and 32hrs after the second one.

When my ds (my youngest) was born, I probably experienced a lot of what you're feeling now. I was torn about leaving dd (emcs was a definite possibility, if not the likely outcome) and as a fairly attachment orientated kind of parent, I hadn't been away from dd at all. When I found out I was pregnant, I did start slowly introducing dd to the idea of being put to bed by grandma, grandad and/or daddy so that when her brother was born, there wasn't too much new stuff going on. By the time I'd been in labour for 3 days and knew that an emcs was the only option left, I had no worries about leaving dd though I knew I was going to desperately miss her. I had put in the groundwork first though. It was my job to leave my firstborn as prepared as possible for what was coming.

I asked for dd to be brought to me as soon as I was back on the ward. She met her brother when he was about 70 minutes old. I had the feeling back in my legs by then and was able to have dd up on the bed for a cuddle and a story, we chatted and we talked about her new brother. She stayed for an hour or so and then dh took her home. I was up and about an hour later, caring for ds alone. I'm very fortunate that I don't have any pain following cs and am up and mobile v quickly, discharged promptly and able to get on with things. I stress, this is luck.

DH could only afford a week's leave and he lost 3 days to my labour. So when ds was 4 days old, he went back to work and I had a school run to do which was 2 miles on foot and 2 miles on a bus with a 4yo and a baby in a sling. I was 4 days post op and had no choice but to get on with it. I was determined and capable and no doubt plenty of people were horrified but it was just the way things had to be.

But and it is a big BUT, it is not remotely possible to give your eldest 100% of your attention at all times. She will have to wait sometimes. It might only take a poonami of a nappy where your ds has got it up to his neck and down to his toes and is trying to stick his hand in it and eat it and at the same time your dd is sobbing because she can't reach something/do something/has pooed/is wet/has banged her leg. And you will have to prioritise the baby. Or when ds was about 19 weeks old he had a cold and he got slowly worse and worse and then suddenly got much worse at the point that I was supposed to be collecting dd. I had to send anybody available to collect dd as I took ds to A&E where he was admitted into a high dependency unit with double pneumonia. I had no choice but to go with my poorly ds and dd had to deal with me not being there. It's life and it happens and as a parent you prioritise the most vulnerable member of the family. If that is the baby, then your dd will have to wait.

You know what though, it's fine. It's a good lesson. For both dc. That sometimes their needs are paramount and sometimes they have to be patient. Just don't set yourself unrealistic goals of never having to leave your eldest waiting. You're having another baby now and that boy also deserves a parent who can respond to his developing needs instead of conforming to rigid boundaries which aren't realistic. You'll make yourself feel guilty and like you're failing. Just go into it with an open and positive mind. Not chasing the impossible.

scottishmummy Fri 03-May-13 20:03:24

some time at gp is ok.and look into free nursery at 3yo.
she won't get your 100% attention, if you can afford it book a mums help
and dont put self on punishing schedule.look at softplay she can play you be with baby

Bonsoir Fri 03-May-13 20:05:59

I think that, at 21 months, your DD ought to be able to manage with either her father or a grandparent for a few days.

Yes, I wanted to say something along the lines of quoteunquote - use your last couple of weeks of preparation time to do some serious preparation for DD regarding getting used to over-nights with your DM and DH. At least have granny to stay before the big event, and let DH do the bedtime routine in the evening

pjd Fri 03-May-13 20:24:03

I had a C-section at around 2pm. My parents brought my 3-year old in at around 6pm for a short visit - they stayed half an hour or so. I was really glad to be able to see him on the day. I can understand your feelings, I had something similar, in that part of me felt that I was letting him down by not being there for him, not putting him to bed etc. But he was absolutely fine with my parents, and since his little brother came along I actually think the family dynamic has improved. It used to be very much DS1 and me as a little team, and I think DH sometimes felt a bit on the periphery. Once DS2 came along, DS1 naturally had to turn more to DH and spend more time with him, and their relationship is so much better as a result. We are now a unit, a team, no-one is on the outside. I still do the majority of putting to bed (and getting up in the night), but things have definitely balanced out. It will feel hard at first that you can't give your DD the one-to-one attention she has been used to, but soon she won't remember what life was like before she had a baby brother! I know some other posters said not to have her with you the day of the section at all, but I would play it by ear if I were you. If you're feeling up to seeing her afterwards, it will probably make you and her feel better, but bear in mind that you might only be up to a short visit. Good luck.

1944girl Fri 03-May-13 20:30:19

Hello Mummy252

I was in your position 40 years ago. My DS1 was born by EMCS after a long and complicated labour during which he and I almost died.
As a result I loved him more than anything else in the world and could not bear to be parted from him for any reason.
When he was 2 I got pregnant again and worried how he and I would cope when I was in hospital as there was a possibility of having to have another section but not definite.My DH was working away so my MIL offered to care for DS1 while I was in hospital. I realised I would just have to accept this.He and his grandmother got on very well.
It was decided to let me go into labour and hope I would have a natrual (sp) birth, I was hoping for this as it would mean I would only be in hospital for two days.
Well, as luck had it I was at my MIL's when I went into labour.This I had arranged when my due date was near so I could leave him in safe hands immediatly(sp again).I broke my heart on the way to hospital but I knew nothing else could be done.My thoughts were if there was a repeat of what happened during his birth and I died what would happen to my little boy.
Well, things went wrong again and I had to have another EMCS.In those days you were in hospital 10-12 days post section so you can imagine how I felt.Fortunatly DS2 and I survived the section but all I could think about was how was DS1 doing without me.
Call me strange if you like but I thought it was best that he did not visit because I knew as soon as I saw him I would be discharging myself.I had to rely on MIL when she came to visit that he was doing fine(SIL looked after him while MIL visited me).
I was overjoyed to see him when I got home.He and MIL were waiting on the doorstep.My mother accompanied me home from hospital and I asked her if she would carry DS2 into the house so he would not be upset/jealous of the new baby if he saw me holding him.I spent the next half hour cuddling him and left the now screaming new baby for the two grandmothers to cope with.I had even decided not to breast feed in case this would upset him, then anybody could feed the new baby not just me.
The immediate aftermath was that when MIL offered to take him back to her house to sleep overnight so I could concentrate on the new baby he said ''Yes please!''.I was very taken back by this, then began to realise that I was not the beginning and end of everything to him, he liked to have other carers as well.
He did stay with me that and every night though, and I got him involved in helping with the baby, bringing clean nappy etc.This made him feel important.MIL came daily for a couple of hours and he was always willing to go to her it made me jealous a bit but soon I was cured of my attachment.DS2 could scream for England so both were getting my undivided attention.
As for my post CS recovery, well it was a fortnight post op so I was on my feet again but still had a sore tummy.I could cope well with the baby but had to ask for help with bathing DS1 because I had had the classical incision and believe me that does not half pull when you lift anything heavier than a newborn.
Sorry for the long story but I hope this makes you feel better.
Your DD will be OK.
Take the advice of an old one.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy Fri 03-May-13 20:41:33

softplay is for kids,that's the point.and she'll get free nursery at 3yo.mere 15mth time
with baby and toddler soft play is a great resource.of course
use free nursery, attend groups,expand your dd experience of other adults

Pancakeflipper Fri 03-May-13 20:41:59

I cannot decide if you are bonkers or brilliant OP. But I think trial runs with Grandma would be helpful for your daughter.

We have no family near and my DS1 was very close to me so on the run up to the birth of my next child I did ensure he wasn't thrown into an unknown but something he had experienced before ( and he was just fine).

scottishmummy Fri 03-May-13 20:46:59

op it's a potential rest for you that granny can have DD for few hours
in times dh is available what will for you?
and congratulations when new baby arrives,go with flow a bit

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy Fri 03-May-13 20:53:32

have you read bit were op said dd can spend few hours at gp?as has happend
nursery is option now,and is free at 3.encourage dd socialise with others
softplay for wee girl to play,whilst my with new baby.great for mum and dd

It's lovely that she does whatever you do, but small children change a lot. You will start getting the meltdowns and stubbornness soon enough and it will be tough going. I think you need to realise that not everything is within your control, and that that's ok.

Mummy252 Fri 03-May-13 21:02:58

Thanks to those who have offered support. Particually those who obviously understand dementia. My mum cannot stay over, as I said at the minute my dad is in a bad spell which can mean anything upto and including violent outbursts, when he's good my dd can sit on his knee and talk to him. Mum gets help 1 day a week so she can go shopping/have some time off- 6 hours. Perhaps I learned my attitude from her! I certainly will not add to her burden.
When dd gets to 3 I plan on sending her for mornings to nursery as prep for school, we do a different club every day except Sunday, so she is used to adults, just not at night, as I have reiterated.
It's very hard for dd and dh to do routines like bedtime etc as he is only ever here for 14 nights at a time and then away for 6 weeks. That's his job and its not going to change, I've already said that too!
Because of these factors I am my daughters constant. Grandma comes and goes because she has other responsibilities, and when we see her or daddy it is on their "down time" so they are relaxing and doing fun things not taking over my role and doing another job!
I'm sure there are thousands of single moms etc who are in similar situations.
I hope all the ppl who have suggested getting dd used to dh and my mum can read this and perhaps understand that they just aren't here, not because I wouldn't or they wouldn't want to be but because sometimes that's life!!
I posted as I was trying to figure out the best way to get dd over the initial 2days, given OUR situation. I'm sure dh would love to be at home more but that's his career.

But he's at home for 2 weeks at a time! Why doesn't he ever put her to bed?

scottishmummy Fri 03-May-13 21:11:04

can you hire a maternity nurse for first few weeks?
adjust your expectations dd won't get 100%, it will change dynamic
but the positive is kids accomodate,and they adjust.shell be a great wee sister

Frawli Fri 03-May-13 21:12:51

I think your DD would be so bored at the hospital and if you're in a ward with anybody else it would just be a nightmare for them and you. How are you proposing you'll keep her entertained? What if they take you up without much warning, wouldn't that stress her out? It would be much better for her not to be there, she will have a fun day without you and then the promise of a new sibling which will be exciting for her.

Also, bear in mind if she knew you were there when your DH was putting her to bed then she was more likely to play up.

I know exactly the guilt you are feeling, I had 2 children by section and my older one was 26 months when the second was born. I felt like I'd abandoned him when I went into hospital but he was fine, I felt it more than him. Also, if your DD is very reliant on you it will be good for her to have some special time with her dad and grandmother.

Mummy252 Fri 03-May-13 21:18:29

Dh just never did the bedtime/bath time thing. He works 12 hours a day 7 days a week when he's away so when he comes home he chills out. We go out a lot in the day and see his family a lot more etc but at night he does chill out. I do dinner and put dd to bed/ bath etc.
I guess we just never really thought about it. He never does housework it anything when he comes home either, I would never expect him to.
I guess I just kind of assume my "job" is a lot easier than his so why would I make him do all the housey stuff when he's having his break? Even before dd when I worked FT I still did everything including when he came home.

Floggingmolly Fri 03-May-13 21:19:24

Very sad to see kids who would rather be at school than at home hmm
You have a very unhealthy attachment to your daughter, op.
You've had months to get her used to not being with you 24/7, and you thought you could avoid addressing it by taking her to hospital with you... confused

scottishmummy Fri 03-May-13 21:21:37

hospital isn't a conducive environment for child.ok visit but not too long
involve dd in buy new baby present,big up the big sister aspect
your body hasn't failed ou,it's produced two children that's magnificent

Well if you're happy with that arrangement then fair enough. But I think it's sad that he's never wanted to be more hands on, even if it is his 'downtime'

scottishmummy Fri 03-May-13 21:24:59

your dh is like a lodger,he has no responsibilities expected despite being dad and husband?
yes he works,but you need to assign him parental tasks,to be involved when present
you write it like a ingle mum,it's all you and dd and he's on periphery not asked to do anything

chocspread Fri 03-May-13 21:27:06

What a lovely lovely post by 1944girl at 8.30 pm.

OP I have no family other than DP but he is involved.

But if it helps I did the following with DS1 before DS2 was born. I realise not all relevant as DS1 was 3.

- I spoke lots about the baby in my tummy involved DS1, and told DS1 how precious and fun babies came be.

- Made sure I spent time apart (paid for childcare).
So prior to DS2 I also ensured that some days (not nights) I was not with DS1.

- Before the baby was born I did some special outings just me and DS1.

- Took photos and made books of these which i would bring out with the baby.

- If it helps I was in hospital for a week - it was very hard for DS1 to go home at night and my DH said he would cry at night and in the morning and was really worried about me in hospital.

However, in a way when I did come home with the baby DS1 was so incredibly happy I was ok and back at home that he has been wonderful with the baby too.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy Fri 03-May-13 21:31:16

if you're solvent get a maternity nurse, hire some help

RubyrooUK Fri 03-May-13 21:39:11

Okay, I see now that your mum cannot offer more support, Mummy. I didn't appreciate that before.

But my DH also works away a lot, but it doesn't mean he doesn't do bath/bedtimes when he is here. He wants to because he misses his children so badly, regardless of how much he has worked while away. So I do think it would be worthwhile your DH doing some more of the family work when he is home - then he gets to enjoy an even closer relationship with your DD.

Anyway, I very much hope you have a great recovery and your DD enjoys her baby brother. My DS1 loves DS2, which is a great source of joy. And actually he doesn't mind not being 100% centre of attention anymore as he too loves the baby.

LtGreggs Fri 03-May-13 21:43:14

The thing is, you can't stay 100% in control of always being physically present for you DD. If it's not the new baby, there will be something else that happens some day. You get appendicitis, you parents have a crisis and need help, whatever.

You do need to build that safety net - of practical help options and of emotional resilience. It's not a sign of weakness to do that, but a part of good parenting.

You mentioned DHs family - is there anyone there who can help? What about a mothers help or au-pair or local student??

scottishmummy Fri 03-May-13 21:56:04

why have you indulged dh in special downtime,you do everything
no one asking him compromise career,just to be available active parent
you need to break the circle of two,not be so insular with your dd.enjoy your expanded family

Iggi101 Fri 03-May-13 22:11:12

Your housework arrangements are alarming me even more than your childcare ones. Why would anyone in this century think that was ok?

MrsTomHardy Fri 03-May-13 22:19:21

This whole thread is just weird!

pizzaqueen Fri 03-May-13 22:20:20

Iggi101 I guess if the OP is happy with this arrangement then that's up to her personally couldn't imagine anything worse

She seems to indulge the fact she does it all and DH couldn't possibly lift a finger at home as he works so hard he deserves his downtime, dismissing the fact she does it all 24/7 365 days a year, where's her downtime?

scottishmummy Fri 03-May-13 22:25:54

will your dh take mat leave?

scottishmummy Fri 03-May-13 22:27:12

gah,pat leave will your dh take pat leave

Mummy252 Fri 03-May-13 22:30:51

I guess I just appreciate the fact my hubby works his ass off so I can stay at home n be withy kids which is a huge luxury afforded to very few in this day and age.
I grew up with my mum at home and can't say I like the idea of leaving my kids to be looked after by poorly educated and poorly qualified nursery nurses with ratios like 6-1.

flamingtoaster Fri 03-May-13 22:31:07

My DS was 2 years 2 months old when DD was born by planned c-section. I went into the hospital the night before (DS was with DH). DS had never been away from me either so I know how you are feeling. On the morning of the c-section DS was left with my friend while DH came to the hospital to be with me. I had the c-section and DH went off to collect DS. They had lunch and then came to see me - children were allowed into the ward. I had a present for him from DD - he trotted in, looked into the crib, said "Hello, baby" and then played with his new car with the male midwife. I was in for five days. One thing I would urge you to do is ask DD to look after something for you at home. By the third day DS wouldn't speak to me - I realized he thought I wasn't coming home so I asked him could he please be sure to look after my furry slippers and to have them right inside the front door for when I came home. He perked up considerably after that. Your DD will be fine - you can always speak to her on the telephone if for any reason she can't visit you on the actual day. She - and you - will be fine.

Mummy252 Fri 03-May-13 22:34:54

The hospital has worked with us to ensure hubby's 2 weeks will run over the csection. The work he does means if he wasn't back on the 31st then someone else would have to cover that 6 week block, so he would not be as to rotate back in for 8 weeks. He will be off for 2 weeks but will have to go back after that

Ok, now you're just sounding like a bit of an arse.
Best of luck

scottishmummy Fri 03-May-13 22:54:40

I presume him working arse off=solvent?in that case buy some help

Chocoflump Fri 03-May-13 23:24:36

My son was 2.4 when I had a planned section. I'm very close to my son but he spends time with granny too. I went in in the Friday morning- he had a sleep over at granny's on the Thursday night which he found exciting! My personal choice was that I didn't want him to visit while I was in hospital. I was in hospital with complications at 20 weeks and he visited and I found it too upsetting when he took my hand and tried to pull me out of bed and told me to come home. I cried my eyes out when he had to leave- was so upsetting for me and him. So when it came to the section, when DH was visiting, he stayed with granny, then granny came and visited when DH had him. Luckily I was only in for 2 nights, and he came with DH to pick me and his new little sister up from the hospital, I was so happy to see him.
Kids are so adaptable- out of sight, out of mind!!

However you need to be more realistic in the weeks following your section. I also said that the baby would have to fit in with our plans and that nothing would be changing - oh how I laugh at myself now gringrin

The result is a little 8 month old madam who has me, her daddy and her big brother wrapped round her finger!! grin

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Sat 04-May-13 09:41:44

Hi Mummy you have been given some brilliant advice here especially by 1944girl it would be a great shame if you don't listen to it. You seem to be extremely anxious about the birth and after your last experience I don't blame you. I think wanting your daughter there is more about you than her - she is your constant companion and comfort but she is a baby and you need to think about her. Postnatal wards can be distressing and disorienting for adults, never mind children.

I am struggling to understand why, after your first labour, you think that recovery will be much quicker and easier this time. It is unfair of whoever is expecting you to look after your nephew at 6 weeks post ELCS.

Babies and children benefit from forming close and caring relationships with a number of adults - my DS has loving bonds with his aunts, GPs, ex nanny and current childminder and gets benefits out of those relationships that I could never give him on my own. Your DH is missing out and as someone assisted out he seems to be more of an occasional lodger who pays the bills. You are his housekeeper in essence.

You've made negative comments about child care professionals and WOHM which I will ignore because you are clearly distressed and anxious but let me say this:

- looking after a wheel chair bound nephew (unpaid?) 6 weeks post major surgery
- going to bed exhausted every night after being a constant carer for a very demanding toddler
- having constant back pain for 10 weeks
- having no partner to share the burden 75% of the time and when he is there does nothing

Is NOBODY's idea of 'huge luxury' - it sounds like penal servitude to me.

You need to let your partner and mother look after your daughter while you are getting some rest in hospital (and compared to your current schedule an ELCS and caring for a newborn sounds restful to me). If your DD goes to bed screaming every night and your DH has to deal win that, it's none of your business, it won't cause any long term damage and it may help them bond.

Good luck with your birth

meglet Sat 04-May-13 09:59:57

Actually I was a single mum when I had a hysterectomy. DS was 2.8 and DD was 10 months old. I had to hand over all parenting to mum + stepdad, sister, dad + stepmum for over a month. At no point was it even an option for me to try and get back to normal to spend time with them as it was a priority for me to recover. Yes, it was weird not doing much with the kids but they had a whale of a time with my family, I just 'directed' everything from my room and read their bedtime stories. It takes a village and all that.

From the sound of it your DH is letting you be a single parent angry so take some of his hard earned cash and spend money on paid help.

OP you have bigger problems than this, from reading some of your old posts.

I'd suggest you post in relationships for some advice on the bigger picture.

And I'm sorry I was harsh. I wasn't aware of the massive back story.

givemeaclue Sat 04-May-13 21:38:32

You won't be able to push a heavy wheelchair six weeks after a section.

I was in hospital for a month after mine.

DIYandEatCake Tue 07-May-13 15:33:21

mummy252 if you're still reading, I can understand how you feel and just a few practical suggestions for night:
1) would she fall asleep in the pushchair if walked / in the car seat if driven and then whoever was caring for her could transfer her to bed?
2) would she be happier sleeping with whoever's caring for her rather than alone?
I'm fortunate that my (equally attached) dd will be older than yours when dc2 arrives, so i think will take it better, but at 21 months it would have been very difficult. I can really understand how you feel, and hope it all goes well and that you come home quickly.

Stangirl Fri 10-May-13 19:45:31

Wait and see how you feel afterwards. I had planned for my DD to come in and see me the afternoon after my ELCS and she was duly brought in by my Mum. Unfortunately there was some rather unexpected (and unusual) events during the ELCS and I ended up in the High Dependency Unit fighting for my life. Poor DD was in the waiting room but wasn't allowed in to see me as no visitors were allowed. She was really upset. I was away with the fairies on morphine at the time and recovered quickly - but poor DD had very negative associations with her DB for a while.

MiaowTheCat Fri 10-May-13 21:14:51

I was in and out of hospital and then in for the best part of a week having DD2... DD1 was brought in every day by either my husband or my brother (I was missing her like mad and as she was so young and not able to really understand a verbal discussion about it - not even 1 at the time - I wanted to make sure she saw me every single day).

Even after a straightforward delivery it was hard going managing her within a hospital ward, and even a side room (our hospital were fab and put me in a side room, partly so DD1 visiting and having the odd strop didn't upset the rest of the ward - mainly because DD2 was under phototherapy lights and I'd said I didn't feel happy having the rest of the ward have to put up with them all night... I'd had some really nasty comments made when DD1 was under the same on a ward when she was born as well so was really sensitive over the issues) - and that's just with 2nd degree tear stitches and canulas in my hands... let alone with a c-section scar.

She was bored after about an hour, I could gank a bit of cuddle time while she'd have a nap on my knee but then she really needed a change of environment - the only way to make it fair on HER was to make visits on the shortish and frequent side - and it broke my heart to have to do that, and to put trust in the combination of DH, my brother and my mother that she was being well looked after there... not 100% the way I would do things in terms of routine etc - but well looked after and I just had to relax and take that leap of faith that this was going to happen. I'd thrown myself into preparing as much as possible in advance to maintain as much consistency as possible for her to try to feel in control over things - so I'd left things like a breakdown of the rough routine we had for her day (I'm not some mega-GF-esque mother, but just a rough pattern of when she generally napped and ate etc), details of where to find everything - even the local shops (since hubby is the sort who'd come and ask "darling where do we keep my head" if it wasn't screwed on) and made sure that everywhere was stocked up with food for DD1 (lots of leftovers frozen into her-size meals in the freezer drawer) and my helpers (mainly of the chocolate biscuit variety in that case)... and I made sure she had lots of time with my mother and brother in advance so they weren't unfamilar to her... I did what I could but had to accept this was going to happen - and yes, I discharged myself while in threatened labour a couple of times to get home to her against the advice but with the understanding of the medical bods.

Ultimately though she coped, I coped (she coped better though) - and she coped despite starting the spate of teething from hell and the 12 month sleep regression and desperately trying to figure out crawling all at the same time... but no, neither of them gets 100% attention - I stagger things as best I can to slot DD2's feeds in between DD1's mealtimes and that generally works really well - but there are times when DD1 just wants attention and I can't give it immediately - thankfully normally she's happy with a smile, eyecontact and a chat with her while I'm dealing with DD2 - who turned out to have reflux and now suspected CMPI issues as well and is not a happy little bunny at all.

And yes on occasions we had DD1 in the delivery suite - but our circumstances were different in that I was in and out threatening labour that refused to start, and on the first bout of this, we had to wait for my mum to do a 3 hour drive to come and take care of DD1 anyway - we'd explained this to the staff and they were fine with her being there for that short time while reinforcements were drafted in. The ward stuff I've explained earlier - it was one factor in moving us to a side room to help us out (but the ward I was on had a very generous number of side rooms)... the staff there were fab and kept sneaking in to have a fuss, cuddle and cheek squidge of DD1 (she's that sort of baby - all eyelashes, grins and squidgey cheeks and thighs - and I think a few of them enjoyed a more interactive baby than their usual newborns - indeed one of the neo-natal docs admitted as much!) and the child got offered a ridiculous quantity of ice cream over the course of my stay... but all above and beyond and not something I'd expected or bargained for.

No real sibling rivalry issues (but DD1's a bit too young for that) - apart from over the fact that DD2 dares to have socks on her feet and DD1 is utterly opposed to the existence of all footwear and keeps on crawling over and removing her sister's socks in addition to her own (she's also started crawling out of her own trousers but thankfully hasn't extended this one to her sibling as of yet).

Jojobump1986 Mon 13-May-13 17:30:52

OP, have you considered trying for a homebirth? I know you had an awful time last time but every labour is different. A friend of mine had a nearly 3 day labour with her first but just 3 hours with her second! I'm just wondering whether it would be possible for you to plan to have a homebirth so you'd be around for your DD but agree in advance that you'd transfer in for a CS if the baby hadn't arrived within a certain time after labour started.

Hope everything goes well for you & you have an easy/speedy recovery!

youaintallthat Fri 17-May-13 11:25:40

I am in exactly the same position as you [mummy252] I had a very similar birth experience to you feel like I was butchered badly mismanaged when I had my ds, I also needed emergency surgery and blood transfusions and now find myself in a similar position to you - I would love a home birth or even hospital birth so I don't have to spend too much time away from my ds but so scared of same thing happening again so will most likely be having a c section like you. I know what you are going through - I'm going to get my mum to look after ds and bring him to the hospital asap after c section - providing I'm well enough and I'm not looking like I've been hit by a bus (which is how I look on all my post labour pictures from last time!!). I know that he will be well looked after by my mum and dad and that he will be well looked after by my dh when i'm not there so i'm sure any short term anxiety of not seeing me will soon be forgotten once i'm home again. My ds has been left with my parents quite a few times in the past and despite an initial cry when i'm leaving he has soon forgotten any upset when my mum and dad are spoiling him rotten - I sometimes think its the children that are more resilient than us parents...I'm sure your dd will be absolutely fine and spoilt rotten by your mum and if she is with your mum you can phone her and talk to her while you are waiting. I'm sure being with your mum will be much more fun for her than being confined to one bed space in a hospital which is unfamiliar and then the distress she will get when you are wheeled away from her and come back a bit worse for wear, with drips cathethers and lots of other scary looking equipment to little eyes....I wish you good luck hope it goes well....smile

youaintallthat Fri 17-May-13 11:55:36

posted the above post after only reading the first page of this thread - why so many haters on this thread jeepers!!! mummy252 asked for a bit of advice not to be publically hung drawn and quartered for managing to cope very well under exceptional circumstances.

I have 13 months between my two and both were sections. We had to be at hospital at 7am, so we took eldest to my Mums for half six and went into hospital - I was booked in first so was back up on the ward by 9.30 with the baby my OH went to my mums about lunchtime and brought them in to see me and the new baby and after visiting he dropped my mum home and took No1 son home and looked after him and did visiting etc. I only stayed in 2 nights as I was fit and ready to come home.

I think you should leave her with your mum - it would be tedious for both of them to hang about in a hospital all day.

elliejjtiny Fri 17-May-13 14:18:15

Sorry for hijack but how long after c-section can you push a wheelchair and lift a disabled child? I always thought it was 3-6 weeks butthis thread has made me panic a bit as I am pregnant with DC4, I have polyhydramnios and baby is breech at 33 weeks. DS2 (5) is disabled and a wheelchair user. I've got an appointment to discuss my birth options on 11th June but worrying in the meantime.

Iggi101 Sat 18-May-13 11:45:47

ELlie that sounds like a lot to deal with. I haven't pushed a wheelchair but know that pushing a (full) shopping trolley at 4 weeks caused quite a bit of pain. But I recovered slowly. You'll see people on here skydiving at 3 days etc. Hope the meeting gives you some answers, and maybe a plan in case it goes that way.

I would leave her with your mother, it will be too much for you after coming round and little children waiting around hospitals get very bored.

Mutley77 Sat 18-May-13 12:20:16

I am sure this has all been said before, and I don't know how much time you have before your baby arrives, but during this time your priority needs to be getting your DD used to having a relationship with your DH - particularly at bedtime. You are being seriously unfair to her if you don't push this now - before she has the additional disruption of a baby sibling.

Your DH will have to put her to bed at least 2 nights. Therefore you need to make sure he can do this without her completely losing it - otherwise of course this will be absolutely awful for both you and her. It will worry you sick and tarnish your early days with your DS which are absolutely crucial (the bonding time in hospital with DC2 is particularly important as once you get home they need to share mum with with DC1).

If DH is putting her to bed in advance of the C/S (which I highly recommend) you need to go out - hard as it is - that is the only way he is going to get through it. You won't be able to leave him to it if you can hear how distressed she is.

As to the taking DD into hosp before the op - it doesn't solve your main issue - which is the bedtime. You can get up with your DD and see her in the morning no matter how early you are going in. If you have sorted the relationship between you DD and DH you could always leave them together and get your mum to drop you in - DH won't be needed until you go to theatre which is going to be at least 3 hours after you arrive so he can come in later and have time to give DD her brekkie etc. She will probably be able to come and see you for a short visit after the op (assuming all has gone ok and you aren't in HDU or anything) but you need to recognise that - much as you will want to see her - it may be worse for her seeing you and then having to leave, no doubt she will be v distressed at leaving and it may be getting close to bedtime when tiredness will make this worse.

I am sure you will cope fine afterwards with no help - it won't be pleasant but as you say people have to. I have 2 other DC and won't have any help beyond 3 weeks post-op this time (and it was going to be 2 weeks which I was fine with having had 2 C/S before).

However you won't be able to give DD 100% of your attention once you have 2 children; that just isn't physically possible. And remember were you or DS ill and you weren't able to be there for her you would be better off if you had addressed the issue in advance by ensuring she has a trusting relationship with her father. I don't see why this is such a problem to you, it is not "childcare with a ratio of 1:6 or unqualified teenagers", it is a man who presumably loves and cares for her 100% and is equally as capable and valuable as a carer as you are.

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