Child birth humiliations(187 Posts)
Il start, after telling my midwife I needed to poop and her reassuring me that she'd checked and I was clear and it was a normal sensation. I did 1 il always remember that moment more than when DS was actually born. Worse still my dp had to clean me up. Soooooo cringe.
Oh poor you, however it happens to loads of people so don't cringe
I shouted and I mean proper yelled at DP saying to stop kissing me on the forehead as he was too heavy to kiss me
Aint got a clue what i meant by it but I was feeling
very high on the gas and air. The embarrasing part was that the midwife got the giggles when i said it and just coudn't stop laughing and then after DD was born asked what i meant by it.
Oh Dear, OP .
During my third labour I thought I'd get up and walk around the halls a bit...my water broke in the hallway and splashed amniotic fluid (and other fluids) all over a cart full of (previously sterile) supplies, blankets, gowns etc. I spent the whole delivery worrying about having destroyed everything on the cart as the nurses were not overly reassuring about it not mattering . Oops!
When the anesthetist told me I was too far gone to have an epidural I told him to 'get out and stop staring at me if you can't help me'
I'm quite prudish in many ways so it came as an utter act of when contractions really kicked on with ds1.
Was a bit dillusional as to how labour would be tbh.
Anyway, was advised by the mw to wear a sanitary towel as bleeding a little. Later on she told me to take my knickers off as labour progressing etc
Just as I was taking them off I had a huge contraction and passed my knickers with soiled sanitary towel in to dh
I cringe thinking about it now, but I couldn't give a stuff at the time
Me with feet in stirrups, catheter in place, pushing with all my might and a consultant walks in and says "I recognise you from somewhere!". I'd never seen him before in my life.
Not me, but my friend was told in the late stages of giving birth to get her knickers off by the midwife (this had already been requested many times). After a bit of fuss from my friend apparently the midwife then made some comment that in her many years of midwifery experience, she had not yet managed to support a woman in giving birth with her knickers left on.
When I had an emergency section I had a catheter in. I actually walked about carrying a bag of piss and the arse missin out of my gown.
Also APPARENTLY I had suppositories while I was in theatre before the section. I have no idea despite being conscious throughout when this happened. At no point did anyone tell me "just gunna shove this up your arse"
I got stuck on the toilet every time I tried to stand up another contraction started and I couldnt move. The MW looked very worried and was about to call for help when I realised help meant several people witnessing me on the toilet so I gritted my teeth and got up. It was excruciating!
Oh and I had to have poo wiped away when pushing too
Not so much my humiliation but that I humiliated poor DH. Prior to labour I thought it would be nice to have DH in the pool with me...when I was getting in I was pretty high, we transfered rooms and he even got changed bless him, flip flops and all, I saw him in my pool (poised to help me in with loving tenderness) - well it all seemed so unfair that he was in the lovely pool and I wasn't so I started shouting at him 'get the f* out of my pool' - poor DH was mortified, MV looked at her shoes. I also told him to 'suck it up' (was annoying me he was crying [albeit re my discomfort] when I was the one in pain). He was very upset about it all. Ooopps.
<secretly laughs to self>
Dont worry re poo, I had pieces of snickers bar and poo floating in the pool...well if you are going to push things are bound to come out....Def recommend snickers for making the mouthpiece taste of chocolate!!
To make yourselves feel better check out a thread in classics called funniest bit in childbirth. I have spend days reading it (all 28 pages) when I got a chance it is excellent.
With my first, I was induced, strapped up to the ping machine and heavily epiduraled. Had the baby
eventually but the placenta wouldn't come away. The very young midwife pulled on the cord and it snapped off. This bloke wandered in and said that I'd have to go to the operating theatre to have it removed. I asked him if he wanted me to bloody walk - I thought he was the porter who'd forgotten the wheelchair. Turns out he was the consultant obstetrician. Oops!
Anyhow, they wheeled me into the op room, put my legs in stirrups so I was showing off my fanjo to the world. Then everyone fecked off and I was left there alone, apart from some cleaners who were mopping the blood off the floor (I've no idea if it was mine).
days minutes, the medicos came back and the porter impersonator had to do a James Herriot on me, while the anesthetist (sp?) held my hand. He was called Dr Gas, I shit you not!
Actually, I was quite glad that the bloke stitched me up as I'd torn my urethra and clitoris (FFS!) and he did a really good job (ie no lasting problems) but I could have done without traumatising the poor cleaners!
Hipster, I've just caused my bunny to jump in fright because I snorted so loudly at your post.
We've all done it OP. Please don't let it spoil your experience of childbirth.
Pretty sure I kept shouting "I NEED TO POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
Also shouting "you just injected me with water" when it was really morphine. I totally didn't believe it was morphine.
OP everyone does mad stuff in labour I remember telling my mum (very huffily) that she was going to have to have the baby for me because I just couldn't do it. Also my mum shouted at me to calm the fuck down, I was shaking too much for the anaesthetist to give me the epidural! Not my fault really, hadn't eaten in about 12 hours and could only suck ice cubes and was vomitting everywhere!
Oh I just remembered, I kept falling asleep in the minute between contractions, I was sitting upright on an armchair and was woken up by my ex and the MW laughing their heads off at my snoring!
When I had dd1 I was 19, completely unprepared for the realities of labour (the mw at antenatal had compared it to a toothache and as I was single my mum was my birthing partner. I was about 7 cms dilated, stark naked when I got off the bed, announced to my mum that I'd had enough and would try again another day and tried to leave the room I didn't get far.
Then once dd1 had been born and I'd been stitched up (both me and mum vouch without anaesthetic) the mw proceeded to lube her finger and stick it up my arse without even mentioning it first. I knew how poor sooty felt then.
Poor bunny, roughtyping
About 6 hours after I'd had the baby, I insisted on going for a shower (the MWs told me off for trying to stand up but I swanned off anyway. So there were two cords hanging from the ceiling in the shower room. I pulled one but the light didn't come on, so I pulled it again and the fricking thing came away in my hand. I poked my head round the door to be confronted by several MWs bombing down the corridor. It turns out that I'd pulled the alarm cord by mistake and it wouldn't turn off now.
I staggered back to my bed, like Bambi on ketamine, cheerfully chirping that it was only fair coz they'd pulled MY cord off. I blame the drugs
God, I see your poo stories and raise you.
Had a spinal with DD2 at lunchtime 10 days ago. Think I may have eaten a few too many dried apricots during the course of that afternoon because the grumblings from my stomach were phenomenal. Anyway, come the night shift, the orderlies offer to change my pads and sheets and the midwife offers to check me. Cue almighty fart. Really almighty. Must have lasted a good 10 seconds at least. Obviously I laugh. Which resulted in a bit of follow through. So, very apologetically, I tell the midwife. Feeling in my legs had returned by this point but I was still with catheter. Midwife gets me to stand up so they can clean the bed resulting, somehow, with a sheet tangled round the catheter tubes. Next thing I know I can feel ominous rumblings and all of a sudden my bowels opened and there was absolutely nothing, nothing at all, I could do to stop the flow of shit in my disposable knickers and down my legs. Mortifying!
I felt so bad for the other women in the ward because it absolutely stank. It took ages to try and sort out - the midwife kept having to go and get supplies from the other end of the ward, including scissors to cut the disposable knickers off.
On the upside, they swiftly transferred me to a private room because they were worried about infection. I spent the night terrified that the forceps delivery had left me incontinent. Turns out, according to the anaesthetist, that it was just because the spinal had not worn off in relation to those bits, even though my legs were working.
I particularly loved the way all the staff on the ward knew about the 'mishap' as they affectionately called it!
Oh SozzleQ, bless you (for both the "mishap" and having the strength to tell it here).
Suppositories? They give C Section women suppositories
Apparently it was a pain killer. Volterol or something
I bit DH's hand during a particularly long and painful contraction. Blimey! You should have seen his face! I was all it's not like you've got a 10lb 4oz person coming out of you dude!
He proper went OWWW and looked all injured
These are hilarious. During labour,a bit high on gas and air, I started asking questions about Gandalf (WTAF) DH and MW we're laughing and taking the piss out of me for quite some time.
A few hours after my eventual EMCS, as soon as I could feel my legs again, I begged to be allowed to go for a shower. Catheter removed, off I toddle. Only to come over all faint in the shower, start gushing blood, and have to leave the bathroom looking like the scene of a horrific murder, trailing bloody footprints all the way back to the ward. The lovely midwife lay me down naked on the bed, cleaned me up with wet wipes, and never once said "you stupid bloody cow, why didn't you listen when I said you might not be ready for a shower!" (though I'm sure she was thinking it!)
Haha Hipster, I had Dr Gas as well!
Midway through an incredibly long pushing stage I clamped my legs together and yelled at the MW that if she didn't give me some pain relief I wouldn't uncross my legs
good thing she did too as otherwise I'd have had to have a GA for the next bit
I also had to get my poor sweet DH to help me have a strip wash the day after as could barely stand. Besides the mess that was my nether regions I realised I had also missed a huge section when - ahem - I'd tried to tidy up down below whilst heavily pregnant. So I had an inordinately hairy patch. Which had been on show to world and his dog.
I had a suppository before my section but they did inform me - I think they do now give you a warning beforehand just in case you don't want to have it (though at that stage they could have stuck anything down there & I wouldn't have noticed).
My poo moment came the next morning when DH took me for a shower - having walked very slowly to the shower/loo cubicle, I collapsed onto the loo seat. I was so surprised (and relieved!) to do a (small) poo so easily after all the horror stories I'd heard, I announced very proudly to DH 'I've done a poo!'
It took a couple of days after we'd got home for him to say to me 'you don't have to keep updating me on the state of your bowels now, you know'...by then we were both obsessed with DD's bowels anyway so poo had kind of taken over our lives...
I think there is something wrong with me because I have no shame! But the bit that would have embarrassed a normal person was when I moved out of the pool into the birth couch, trying a new position to move things on. 'oooh.' I said. 'there is some liquid coming out'.
'don't worry about that and.don't look art it,' I was told. I could smell it though. They moved me off the shit covered birth couch pretty promptly. The problem was that a lot of it got on the floor and was still there post delivery when my visitors arrived!
please keep adding to this thread!
i work on a labour ward and this has made me laugh so much!
You know what- we,ve seen it all and we don't judge!
So I just found this made me roar with laughter - with you not at you, cos of how you see it!
I was a bit out of it on gas and air when the epidural man came. I had been induced so the contractions were pretty hideous. The anaesthetist was apparently a very quiet gentleman with a turban, and looked quite horrified when I was saying to everyone about my liking for 'taking it up the bum'. This was also news to my DH .
I wasn't going to not have an epidural with the twins because ds1 was back to back without drugs and it was awful.
So I progressed very quickly with twins-1 hr in and I was 9cm and shouting very very loudly that I needed the drugs with plenty of curses(already very painful-twin1 back to back too). The man who gave me the epidural said 'I hope you stop all this swearing now!'
Then I was on back in theatre (vaginal birth but in ot as twins are considered high risk) and told to give a big push-dh laughed and apparently waters had broken in consultants face!
Consultant then said 'we need to use these big spoons to turn dtwin so she's facing the right way' and I said 'I assume you mean forceps not actual spoons?' cue midwives laughing.
Then anti swearing anaethetist,when we told him dtwin 1's name, said 'but isn't that a tranvestites or showgirl name?'! I din't care-he'd taken the pain away!
Haha!! These are really funny! I am slightly put of having my baby though! xxx
Love these. I did poo during ds2's birth (thankyou to the midwife who mentioned it while I was trying to pretend it never happened) but thankfully no clean up operation required, just the incontinence pad on the bed replaced. I had a good old rant about the evilness of bounty which was inspired by a mumsnet thread I'd been reading. I'm sure I thought I was talking perfect sense .
I vividly remember actually stroking my cat -or clearly just thin air as the cat was at home as I was in hospital and saying ollie (the cat) is here too. I remember it now like a drunken night that slowly keeps coming into focus. I blame the gas and air
I remember announcing that I needed a poo, but was all strapped up to monitors so had no idea what I was supposed to do and I was mortified because I couldn't poo on DH because he was lovely!
MW looks at me and says "perhaps you're more advanced than we realised". So has a quick check and realises DD is indeed about to appear at speed.
However, I did have a poo first, I knew it, MW cleaned it up and DH didn't even notice. I told him about it days later.
Hoping for a home birth this time with a pool (currently 39+5), he's already carefully selected the sieve he's going to be using to catch any floaters.
Oh my god!!! Laughed so hard I've pee'd!
I know that I did a tiny poop cos I heard it! Actually I don't think it was that tiny
I pooed both times. With dc1 I arrived at hospital shrieking "I'm going to shit myself!" and I did, a huge one according to dh. In my defence ds arrived only 30 minutes after I got to hospital so I was way beyond the stage of being able to do anything about it.
My (green) waters rather dramatically burst all over the room including over oh an the midwife. Through my gas and air haze I thought this was hilarious but am told it was like something from The Exorcist, especially when the spewing started.
A midwife also quite hilariously insulted my nipples in front of oh, sil and my friend when I was trying to breastfeed. Flat indeed!
Feet in the stirrups, Ventouse extraction with a whole army of students watching (twas St mary;'s teaching hospital in Paddiongton)DH told them he would be charging for tickets as he sat faintly at the "head end" while they all gawped at the business end. My DS came out with a papal cap on his head from the ventouse (well i am RC!)
Nothing can humiliate me any more than those sitrrups.
I pooed quite amazingly with DS. In the pool (DH can't go near a sieve now), on the sofa (fortunately covered in plastic sheets), in the ambulance, in theatre...finally stopped once they put a spinal in as I just couldn't stop pushing forcefully (DS turned out to be rather a large chap, no wonder my body was desperately trying to force him out!)
Then I turned down the voltarol suppository (even at that stage I didn't want anyone putting something up my bum, thanks very much) - and in recovery the lovely MW took a sniff and told me I must have opened my bowels (I had). She cleaned me up, 10 minutes later the same thing happened again.
Back on the ward, DH goes home for some sleep, the bed next to mine becomes surrounded by visitors despite the 2-to-a-bed policy and once again, I shat myself. The lovely HCA did a grand job of getting me cleaned up and changed with some dignity intact, God knows how with next door's hundred visitors knocking into the curtain every few fucking seconds, leaving me terrified that they were going to pull the fucking thing down to expose me and my poo covered bed to the rest of the bloody ward in the middle of visiting hours
Gave birth suddenly in my bedroom, no time for midwife. My DSis had visited bringing her new BF (now DH) who happened to be a Consultant. They rushed upstairs and he delivered DS.
First time I had met him, I cringed for ages after that and couldnt look at him in the eye.
Me - fully dilated on all fours mid-contraction
The midwife - pointing my bum hole out to dh, 'now we know the baby is about to come out as the anus is dilating'
Dh - pondering this whilst watching and nodding.
I have never felt more like an animal.
OMG strawberry horror!!!
I am 39 weeks and wondering if I could beg for an ELCS on basis that I am now filled with the horror of pooing myself. Arrggghhhh!!!
Virtuallly all of the above! Shat myself continuously, to the deep joy of my sis who was there as well as DP. Went from saying "maybe half a paracetomol" when asked if I wanted pain relief, to screaming for epidural within three hours (in my defence it was a back to back induced labour and it did smart a bit...). When epiduarlist FINALLY arrived...made me assume the position... unwrapped the needles and things.. . then got beeped to an emergency CS and left me. I like to think I am the sort of person who would nobly say "no, go, her need is greater than mine". What actually happened was that I burst into tears (even more than I already was) and shouted " leave her, do ME!!" Not y finest hour, really. Oh, and threw up an entire banana into a sickhat held by my sick-phobic DP but that's not a shame, just an admiring aside about his stoic reaction.
Marking place. Will be back to read later
These are brilliant x
oh god the one we always laugh about is when the midwife asked dp to take a peek at the buissness end as ds was making his appearance. Dp returned to my end of the bed white faced and blubbing. i was hanging over the bed shouting water water, he so stunned at what hed just seen picked up the bottle and drank it himself leaving me gasping and furious and the midwife almost on her knees laughing. silly man .
Requested an epidural
after trying to tough it out. I worked in the hospital so I knew the anaethetist's assistant but instead of saying to him 'hey, you're so and so do you remember me? I'm Lemons, worked with you last year' I yelled at him 'I fucking know you!'
Poor guy must have thought I was a right wierdo.
I didn't poo but my Dsis's told me about a conversation she had had with her DP about how people poo in labour and apparently he was fascinated by it.
Apparently I yelled at him 'I didn't poo!' in recovery very loudly
This thread has made me laugh so hard I nearly popped one of my piles. One week on from a fairly traumatic labour and I am now feeling relieved at what I got away with. The involuntary farting (and a bit if follow through in the ward post labour and the farting in the faces of 4 Dr's and a midwife whilst they shouted push at me seems positively tame in comparison. Laughter is indeed the best medicine.
No poo tales for me, because both babies were emcs. A couple of days after DS was born (still in hospital) the mw came for the "contraception chat". I exclaimed "Someone stuck a knife in my stomach 2 days ago, and you think I want sex!!" I was in a 6 bed room. She cleared her throat and nodded behind her, to a bed with all the curtains closed and a quiet but distinguishable, rhythmic thumping sound going on.... Later that day the mum in question was visited by her first child, who can't have been a year old!
I was being stitched by the MW when another MW came in. The stitching MW stood back and tilted her head. The 2nd MW tilted her head. The 1st MW said "does that look straight to you?". The shame of having a potentially wonky looking fanjo!
I was convinced the room was full of reindeer and threatened to have rudolf put down if they dared to touch my gas and air!!!
I distinctly remember shouting "BUM CONTRACTIONS! What are these!? No-one told me about BUM CONTRACTIONS!"
I remember throwing up and peeing at the same time whilst on all fours in the bathroom, with dh and midwife watching...
No poo though! Was very pleased with myself, particularly as I had a water birth and kept thinking about floating poo...
I had an internal examination due to a sudden heavy bleed just before my CS birth.
The registrar came into the room wheeling along the biggest torch I've ever seen - like those enormous million watt yellow AA car type torches. It had its own trolley for ease of transport.
The midwife plugged it in and pointed it at my nethers so the registrar could have a good look, but it was faulty and kept switching back to rapid flashing mode instead of staying on continuously.
It was rather disconcerting laying with my feet in stirrups while two people peered up my fanjo with a GIANT flashing torch. There were worse humiliations during my births, but that one makes me laugh
I demanded an epidural as I'd been induced & because they'd forgotten to put it on my notes, despite being 9 cm it was agreed i could have one. The lovely anethetist helpfully told me that i had curveture of the spine. Then when the time came to push, I was a bit put off by the pushing feeling in my bottom & kept recalling that in my antenatal class the MW was insistent that no matter what pain relief you had you'd feel a burning sensation in your fanjo, that I decided in a moment of absolute clarity to stop pushing & pretend. After a few minutes of me doing my best efforts at labour acting, the MW looked at me suspiciously & said "you're just making faces aren't you".
Also as if the humiliation of being stitched up while my legs were in stirrups in front of quite a large audience wasn't enough, when the lady with neddle congratulated me on my calmness, DH piped up that he'd got a paper cut the day before & it was still hurting, so he also knew what it was like to be calm in the face of pain.....
please you pretended, that's so funny!
I pood during ds1s birth, I also peed on the consultant. He did reassure me it was his fault though as he should have catheterised me first.
I was in hospital a week before ds3 was born as my waters broke at 31 weeks and was at risk of cord prolapse. There was another women on the ward who was having twins, as it turned out her dp was at school with my sister.
Anyway one morning I get up to wee before going for breakfast and the cord prolapsed whilst I was on the toilet. The got me on all fours in the middle of the ward so the mw could hold the cord back inside. They then got me on the bed catheterised me all with mw hand still up there whilst moving all the women off the ward to give me some privacy. I threw my phone across the ward to the women having twins so she could ring dp for me
They then raced me through the corridors and past the cafe down to theatre with the mw still attached to me, I had a sheet over but I'm sure it was clear to everyone where the mw hand was!
Omg Bike that's crazy. I can't imagine anyone having sex on the ward after having a baby. I'm not sure I could of kept quiet.
I was induced and halfway through monitors went nuts as baby's heart rate decreased, mw called for consultant and as soon as I seem him I was like omg I no you, we then had a conversation to see if it was true, me answering in between massive darth vader sucks of gas and air.
I had diamorphine after that and when mw told me right that's you fully dialated (sp?) I started to cry saying I'm too tired can we take a break I'm not ready, I nearly feel off bed trying to get up and my Oh had to catch me.
After I gave birth I had a shower and I remember telling hca, I'm not used to someone staring at me as I usually shower other people. (Didn't explain that I previously worked in a home) she didn't ask either. God knows that she was thinking
Have def pooped with all 3 dc's. Oh the indignity of childbirth!
With dc1 I had a huge craving for stodgy food so we went to Macdonalds and I ate 2 quarter pounders with fries and diet coke. When we got back to the labour ward I had some gas and air and promptly puked it all back up. I made it to the sink but virtually completely filled it and also blocked it at the same time. that'll teach me to be greedy!
Am I a bad person for laughing at these poo stories?? especially as there's no poo stories for me, as I had an EMCS, but I do remember trying to stifle the most awful farts on the ward. Who knew having a CS would leave you so gassy? I also had the most terrible bout of diarrhoea just before some visitors came to see me, I'm mortified that they and everyone else must have known it was me that stank out the ward toilet. I did tell the nice woman in the bed next to me that I was sorry, and she said not to worry
My daughter was in distress and they had to get a blood sample from the top of her head to see if she had an infection. I had to be on my side with one foot in a stirrup with a young pretty female consultant looking deep in there with a big torch at very close quarters. I'd had an epidural but could still feel the contractions and was windy with each one. Needless to say I farted directly in her face . I
I also shouted 'Stop touching my back!' at the anaesthesiologist whilst having a contraction during him putting the epidural in. I remember him saying 'don't worry if you have a contraction whilst I put it in' and thinking 'I couldn't fucking care less how it effects you right now'.
With dd1 I had an episiotomy. With dd2 I tore and was told mw x would stitch me as she was v experienced (due to previous scar). Another mw came in and asked if I minded if she watched. I was past caring at that point so just said 'help yourself, everyone else has already had a look' . (Maybe the fact that I hadn't had enough local so the last two stitches were without anaesthetic was no coincidence looking back.....)
This seems nothing in comparison to some of the stories on here but one of my lasting memories of my time on the post natal ward was my conversations with another new mum about our bowel movements!
I had a 3rd degree tear and she had a 4th degree tear so we were obviously nervous about our first poo! Every time one of us visited the bathroom the other one would ask on the way out "have you done one yet?"!!
These stories are hilarious. I don't have any poo stories either but 18 hours after being induced for my last labour, had an epidural and I kept spontaniously laughing. So much so that the midwife kept asking me if I was alright. I was often laughing so histerically I couldn't reply. I hadn't been given any other drugs so put it down to the shear relief of not being in pain anymore.
Would like to try a birthing pool this time round but have to be honest am a bit worried about floating poos. My hubby has even teased that it might be really dense and sink to the bottom of the pool.
Didn't think I had pooed with any of mine but hubby tells me otherwise after questioning me laughing over these posts. He says the midwifes are very discreat, quickly cleaning them up and called them poo ninjas.
I had been
refusing to be parted from doing fine on G&A but 12 hours in and about 7cm I kept pushing down. Mw suggested diamorphine to 'relax you a little bit'. Well, crikey. I went totally loopy. I don't even remember this clearly but DH tells me after.
I was having steady contractions about 2 min apart and doing much better when I suddenly started trying to get up and find my phone. DH asks who do I want to call. Toby, says I, must ring Toby immediately. DH is all as we don't know anyone called Toby. I insist that Toby MUST be informed as he will need to let the president know We had spent the last three weeks lying on the sofa watching The West Wing back to back and Toby was a character from the show. Apparently DH, upon realising this is what I meant, asked me if I thought I was in the West Wing and I told him not to be so ridiculous as no one would give birth in the White House: that clearly the president had sent me to hospital.
The Mw apparently found this hilarious and called me ma'am for quite a while after that. I apparently saw nothing unusual about this. I loved her though, she was brilliant and I see the funny side. DH must have been like WHO'S TOBY? Before figuring it out
Bike that's awful. I used to read student midwife forum and definitely remember a student saw something similar, the consensus was the relationship was abusive. Why and how could anyone have sex 2 days after birth is truly beyond me. It's wrong, I don't care how good the birth was.
I remember being very insistent that I wanted a kipplings apple pie from my snack stash, then saying to dh after the next contraction "you can have the pie back now" and puking it up all over the floor in front of him.
Later he midwife told me to push and I replied "I'm pushing..... Nope, I'm pooing, so sorry, could someone sort that out please" no one batted an eyelid and indeed the unintentional poo was cleared with amazing speed.
My older sister is a midwife, and was with me as a student at the time, she confirms she has seen and heard much worse than me, which makes the mind boggle. Then again, I suppose seeing women in huge amounts of pain, raging with hormones and off their heads on drugs you probably do see some fairly wierd stuff!
Ah, the poop....I was ok until I hit 5cm and the contractions ramped up big time...said I needed the loo, DH helped me waddle to the bathroom where I sat on the bog, howling with contractions, whilst my bowels completely emptied themselves. He kept having to flush the loo..and then the vomiting started....ended up with a ventouse delivery (big-headed child), legs in stirrups and my hooha on show to a room full of people....and yes, I had a voltarol thingy unceremoniously popped up my bum following the stitches which, I must add, were beautifully done. It sure I'm looking forward to this next birth quite so much now
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Also I was sick in my mouth while in the pool & not knowing what to do with it I swallowed it back down. Gross! The MW obviously saw, cos she asked if I'd like some water.
Tis DS2's birthday today. He arrived 2 years ago at home unexpectedly, and while waiting for the placenta I did have a completely mortifying moment where I was lying on the playroom sofa, legs akimbo, slurping on the gas and air like a mad woman, directly opposite a window by my front door; surrounded by 3 burly ambulance men.
Wasn't really the calming golden hour I'd envisaged, I have to say.
I did plenty of pooing during the pushing bit. They were all small though. I remember that I kept saying I was so sorry and embarrassed but couldn't help it. I actually think I was far less embarrassed than I was claiming to be. I don't care now and fully expect it to happen again this time. But, according to my mum who was there, my DP asked her not to mention the pooing to me as he didn't want me feeling eternally embarrassed by it. Even now, he claims I didn't poo and when I've said I know I did he claims not to have noticed. I'm not sure if it's sweet or weird!
I was on all fours, surgically attatched to the gas and air, when I felt the urge to poo. My body started pushing on it's own and DP was horrified to realise it wasn't just a poo I was pushing out. The MW had nipped out to check on another women and DP had to rush out and find her. He was very impressed with the twist and pull method of cracking off the rather solid poo and DD was delivered in the next two pushes. I can't believe I nearly shat on my daughters head!
As a student midwife, a woman I was supporting in 2nd stage suddenly sank her teeth into my arm. I screamed. She said "I'm so sorry, I thought you were my husband
I had teethmarks for a week!
When I went into labour with DS1 I was throwing up and had diarrhea, I was throwing up in the toilet and with the force of throwing up I started to shit myself but instead of doing the normal thing and turning around to sit on the toilet I carried on being sick down the loo and grabbed the sick bowl and put it to my bum. The look on my face when my DP walked in was priceless. I also told the student doctor to piss off when she went to put my iv in for emcs I told her I always have problems with "you student" doctors I also knocked the MW glasses off when she was trying to support me when having my spinal put in
One of my midwife friends found a couple in bed together on the postnatal ward, they weren't sleeping. It happens.
When the midwife made a comment "that's some lovely dark hair I can see" she was talking about DS, who was descending down the birth canal. I thought she was talking about me, so I patted my head and said "ooh, thanks, I've just had it cut"!
I can't even blame the drugs, didn't have any as arrived at delivery suite at 4:45am and DS was born at 5am!
singing I first didn't spot the bit with patting your head...
I was so desperate not to poo in the pool that I wasn't pushing hard enough to actually push DD out. The midwife cottoned onto this and basically
ordered me to poo gave me permission.
I knew I was going to as well because I never got that early labour diarrhoea thing I had been relying on and was utterly dreading the pushing stage for this reason.
And it was a home birth as well, so someone (oh, please not you, DH) had to use the specially bought Tesco value plastic sieve that I had been really, really hoping not to use. Binned. <vom>
And finally, I discovered that screaming my head off during crowning and pushing made me feel better until the midwife said to me something along the lines of, "Okay, probably be a bit more useful if you actually push now, eh?". I had been rather enjoying the screaming as it took my mind off the incredible pain a bit and was frankly getting a bit too into it.
Haha you have all made me laugh! I didn't poo in labour, I was dreading it so much but it didn't happen. I was a bit mean though. My DH was surgically attached to his iPhone (nothing new there!) so I told him if he didn't put it down I wouldn't be the only one giving birth that day. After a bout of diamorphine, my mum was stroking my head and giving me encouragement when I started going on about how her eyes had loads of different colours in them. I was a little high.....my early stages of labour were spent in the bath at home. My DH was helping his friend write his cv/resume. My DHs friend cottoned on that I had gone into labour (or some reason I failed to mention to DH that labour had started) and decided to shout encouragement up the stairs to me. Weird!
Hilarious - if slightly daunting for us first timers - thread!
How on earth is this thread making me even more excited about TTC???!!
Sorry when I read the promo I thought this was political LABOUR
DS arrived very fast after only - I kid you not - eleven minutes of 'established' labour according to the midwife's notes (she'd ruptured my waters an hour previously then sent us off to wander around the hospital a bit).
DH and I were alone in the room when I realised that I was pushing with each contraction. I asked him to have a look down there to see if he could see the head, bent over the bed and pulled my trousers down. He knelt down to see, another contraction came and I weed all over him with the force of pushing. We were both surprised as I'd just gone to the loo.
At least it made him take it seriously enough to run to get the midwife, just in time for DS's grand exit.
I had an epidural that had been topped up so I could not feel a thing. I didn't know that I had done a poo until the midwife repositioned me. I wasn't even pushing
DP kept sniffing and I can remember shouting "for fucks sake, bust blow your fucking nose!"
Oh dear, thought it was an anti labour party thread....
Humiliation is just a state of mind. Giving birth is the most powerful and wonderful thing a woman can do. It is not about humiliation but about supremacy and glory and power.
I was sure baby (3rd) was not immediately on the way and I just needed the loo. I was wrong. No time for epidural so basically spent 10 mins yelling FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCK at the top of my voice like a foul mouthed crazy lady.
My waters had been broken for me as DS was in distress v early on in labour. I had a contraction and his heart rate nose dived so the midwife turned me onto my side and pressed the buzzer. Cue lots of people rushing in, whilst im on my side with my bum pointed towards the door, squirting amniotic fluid everywhere.
Then my mum arrived and the midwife told her to get out (didnt know who she was obv) and I cried.
Oh my god, I'm HOWLING!!! Needed this as I'm in a funk as DP went out last night on the razz and I'm def feeling the effects of being stuck at home with baba. Grrrr. We are AMAZING, hear us
I don't think I pooed - no one told me if I did - but I did insist I needed a poo and a wee at 9cm dilated, hobbled down the corridor with the help of DP, sat on the toilet for 30 secs before realising my poo/ wee was a baby that was about to arrive imminently. Cue massive bout of contractions in the toilet, hobbling back to delivery room and screaming 'I NEEED TO PUUUUSH' in proper dramatic Hollywood style as there were no midwives around. DS born in three pushes!!!
When I was pushing they talked about taking th g and a off me. So I tried to hide it down the side of the bed.
Well, I did a poo walking down the corridor, while wearing a backless gown and in fron of DH, about three midwives and, most humiliatingly, in front of a random bloke, some other labouring woman's DH who had unfortunately chosen that moment to walk down the hall as well. Bet he regretted that.
Poor, poor man.
It wasn't the least bit humiliating at the time, mind. Probably because it was about ten minutes before DS2 arrived.
Humiliation is just a state of mind. Giving birth is the most powerful and wonderful thing a woman can do. It is not about humiliation but about supremacy and glory and power.
...and poo. Have we mentioned the poo?
Mine wasn't too embarassing, although the pushing stage was accompanied by ten minutes of "fuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!!!!FUCK!!!!!"
It was the risk of pooing that most concerned me about giving birth, that and dh being there to witness it. Luckily that didn't happen ended up farting instead in my bath and throwing up in the bathroom bin. Had homebirth but was meant to be in birth centre so not at all organised. MW very good about farting said it was a good sign. As it worked out my pushing was excellent shame body decided not to do more than 9cm and I ended up being transferred for a EMCS.
Other cringe moment my knickers and pad that had been put on me to go to hospital got dumped on floor next to my bed in post natal ward and dh found it. Not sure how that works given between arrival and then it was third or fourth room I had been in
i must be slow today didn't register that rhythmic knocking was couple having sex until someone else said
Oh forgot to say, everyone else's tales had me giggling, good job we all have a sense of humour.
I had an emergency c-section, but before this, I had to push so that the midwives could try and turn DS' head. While pushing, I farted on the hand that was inside me, said 'Oh, excuse me' and then resumed pushing. I didn't even realise I'd done this until a few days later, when DH told me in a fit of giggles.
As a student midwife, I have heard and seen some hilarious stuff! I love the delirious things that women in transition and pushing say.
um, giving birth in front of 3 of my colleagues (I am a midwife),
Accidentally touching the anaesthetist's cock when he was cannulating me. Then laughing like a maniac and saying 'oops, I just touched your COCK! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!'
I had had a very lot of gas and air.
This thread has made me giggle so much. I'm 8 days overdue, I hope my story is as funny as these!
and people having sex imminently after giving birth <boak>
LMFAO at the woman peeing on her DH!!! All of these are making me cry with laughter!!
when they put the dressing over my emcs scar bit one of them said ooo thats going to hurt when it comes off and I shouted 'its alright my bush needs a wax anyway'
I had an emergency section so didn't go into labour, but your stories make me realise that finding myself naked in the operating theatre wearing inflatable wellies with 20 people standing around watching really wasn't that bad after all
Second birth was so speedy that midwife had to abandon filling the birthing pool in the adjoining room, to assist me when I started to scream blue murder. Turns out she forgot to switch the taps off....
Ended up giving birth with water lapping my ankles, grabbing the midwife's hand saying melodramatically "Don't leave me" when she wanted to switch the taps off. The ward on the floor below had to be evacuated when water started seeping through the ceiling and the birthing pool was out of action for six weeks afterwards.
Brilliant thread! I had to be coaxed out of the delivery suite bathroom and restrained from walking down a corridor completely starkers! I'm normally very prudish, but I was so far gone I didn't care.
Had a very fast labour and the midwives assumed I was a first time mum being a bit hysterical and suggested I had some paracetamol and a bath. DH arrived to find me locked in the bathroom, refusing to come out and wailing that I couldn't cope with another 12 hours of labour. Turns out I was fully dilated and DD was born 30 minutes later.
<marks place for future reading>
I was admitted very overdue for possible induction and went into labour while waiting. The MW suggested running a bath so DH did. My contractions became very strong and in common with many others on here I started getting rumbling in my tummy. The bubbles were awesome but I cringe at the thought of DH and the MW seeing me naked, making noises like some kind of hippo and farting for England.
strawberry The midwife - pointing my bum hole out to dh, 'now we know the baby is about to come out as the anus is dilating'
I laughed 'til I cried over that!!!
My sis had just finished telling the nurse on ward how she had puked over the surgeon, during her c-sect, when the nurse asked what she'd had. A cicken sarnie and a packet of crisps. She meant boy or girl.
Me, having an internal while my 2 friends sat eating pizza and having a glass of wine next to the bed. And poo.
Realised I had pooed when pushing with dc2, touched it much to mw horror, shouted out I had said poo on hand in my own horror then waved and wiped it in dhs face much to his horror
A friend told me that during transition she shouted "Fuck Sheila Kitzinger".
I was induced and was to be asked to leave my underwear off for the duration. After a few hours of contractions I couldn't have given a shiote. Anyone that wanted to see my hoohar, could (and a few that didn't probably).
Mostly, I was bothered after the fact.
I needed and EMCS and when the doctors broke the new I said no on the very insistent grounds that "I have never been in hospital". They had to peel my fingers away from something to get me to theatre.
I had the fart of my life. MW looked disgusted at the uncontrollable motorbike sounds I produced. DH and I really started laughing at her reaction and she left the room so we could gather ourselves. When she came back in DH asked me if "I was nice and relaxed down there". That is making me laugh now.
Very shocked at people having sex on a ward a few days after having a baby
Unexpected - PMSL. That is the funniest thing I have ever read, what on earth did the chap say when you started crowing on about touching his cock?!!
With DD1, I was examined when I first arrived at hospital. Already at 8cm and the MW asked me if I could put my trousers back on to walk around to the delivery suite...well of course I fecking couldn't. Cue me hobbling past the packed waiting room thinking I was wearing a make-shift toga of a bed sheet, when in reality the MW was struggling to protect my modesty. I did wonder about the
slightly horrified curious stares I received. DH filled me in later.
With DD2, in the
stitch up the fango post-delivery haze, DH was asked by the head MW if he and DD2 would like the starring role on the delivery suite tour she was giving as DD2 was the newest baby in the world on the ward. DH was only to happy to oblige and stepped outside the room (cue 'Oooohs' and 'Ahhhs' from the waiting crowd). With my legs in stirrups and two earnest MWs focussing on my nether regions, I got a serious fit of the giggles and began shaking whilst trying to hold them in (thanks to the G&A) imagining the poor women on the other side of the door who had no idea what they were letting themselves in for. MWs thought they were hurting me and were full of concern, then quite bemused when I finally roared with laughter and could barely choke out the words to explain why I was laughing. Ahhh, happy days.
(Co-incidentally, DD2 was born just as 'Every breath you take' was playing on the radio. Would have preferred 'Push It' by Salt and Pepper, but you can't have everything!)
EMCS, the only one that day. The next morning I asked a mw when breakfast was and why it hadn't arrived, and she told me I had to fetch it myself from the end of the corridor, clearly not realising I was not a VB. On truly vast quantities of drugs, I whipped the sheet back to show my lady parts with 2 pads balanced against me soaking up the blood, a catheter and demanded to know how I was meant to do that. I MADE her look.
She wasn't a mw. She was a catering assistant.......
mrsmuffintop who is Sheila Kitzinger ? That has made me cry with laughter
Sorry, another poo story coming your way! After a prolonged labour and much pushing I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and remember murmuring I could feel the head coming. No, my mistake, it was a number 2!
What makes me cringe more to this day is, after finding out I had retained placenta a few weeks later, opted to have a 'medical miscarriage' to rid body of the leftovers. Nurse told me to use bedpans when i needed to use the loo. Still not sure if she just meant for pee pees but needed to have a poo so much. Was mortified and DP was highly amused when I handed her my 'motion'! Still get so when I think about it now!
My advice to anyone during childbirth: leave your dignity at the door and pick it up on the way home
I am crying with laughter at these.
After ds1 was born, I had a nasty tear and was taken into theatre to be stitched under an epidural. It had been an agonising labour, no bloody epidural as "the staff were too busy", lots of drugs that made me hallucinate, then an explosive 3rd degree tear.
So, obviously, I decided that the anaesthetist was the sexiest, most attractive man in the planet, and I flirted with him through the procedure.
Then, a man walked into the theatre, and just peered between my legs.
Now, I'm a shy, retiring type normally, but I was so drugged up, I just said "excuse me, but who are you, and what gives you the right to look there".
He said he was "Mr" something... I just remember ranting a bit, and saying "so, a "Mr", makes you a consultant person, and you think that you can just wander in, after the event, stare at my bits, without even even introducing yourself, like I'm just a piece of meat!"
My lovely anaesthetist was holding my hand and laughing so much he was shaking.
Then they wheeled me out, to see my baby and worried DH, and I just told him that I'd had a fantastic time in theatre, and it was miles better than giving birth.
(but like a strange dream now... Think it was the drugs...)
I remember yelling at the poor aneathistist or however you spell it, after ds1 was born, that he was a fucking sadist. Ds2 I told the
aneathitist woman with the spinal drugs she was the most wonderful person in the world. Ds1 elcs, ds2 emcs after 19 hours of labour.
Ken Dodd - just googled her as also curious: Sheila
The shout out makes sense now.
After DS1 when I was examined frequently throughout a long and complicated 24 hour labour, I presumed that was the norm.
With DS2 after only 5 hours and one examination, I spotted the midwives whispering in the corner and putting on aprons and gloves.
I begged DH to find out what was going on - only to be informed that the baby was imminent. " But you haven't examined me!" I exclaimed, much to their amusement. "We can just tell" one of the MWs explained.
"EXAMINE ME" I screamed. "EXAMINE ME. I NEED A NUMBER. I'M A NUMBERS GIRL"
I think they were still picking themselves off the floor laughing as DS2 made his entrance
I don't have many as I was so in pain that it was sort of beyond pain IYSWIM. Most of the time I was silent with the occasional animal-caught-in-a-trap whimper.
But once DH put a cold soda bottle to my forehead as he thought I looked hot. I didn't like it and hissed " get that off my head " with such homicidal fury that he and the doctor both stared at me in terror.
With second birth I was high as a kite on gas and air. I also had a student midwife with me who was witnessing her first birth. I do worry I put her off. I had an epidural that failed and kept demanding the anesthestist be brought back, I kept saying I didn't like having babies, after an internal I told her she was much more gentle than the proper midwife. I also did a massive poo on the toilet early on in labour, I had been suffering with constipation during pregnancy. Later on when things were taking some time midwife said to DH I was a bit blocked up, I proudly shouted that I had a poo earlier and that it was massive. I went on to do another poo whilst pushing and it really smelt. I lost sensation in my bladder immediately after birth and stood up only to wet myself a lot.
These are hilarious!
As the mw helped me stagger from induction annexe to delivery room (with murderous contactions), I alternated between howling "whyyyyyyyyyyyy can't I have a c section with general anaesthetic I WANT TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and "oh god I'm going to poo, here on the floor, help I don't want to poo" followed 20 minutes later by a whimpering "i love you" to the anaethetist who administered the epidural
My labour was on the whole quite grim and traumatic so its amazing after 3 weeks I find this funny
I remember sobbing to my lovely midwife - I can't do it. I keep pushing and all I do is keep pooing
She was really wonderful and reassured me I was doing it right and I didn't poo evertime I pushed. Look - you didn't do one the last time
A few hours after DD1's birth - 2 diamorphine shots, lots of G&A and no sleep for almost 2 days - woke from a doze and said to MW
'it is all right - when the elephants get back from the watering hole to feed it will be fine' and burst into hysterical laughter... then noticed her blank face and said 'I know it is a bit sad - not really funny'
(then spent the rest of my time in the ward worried that they would think I had developed a psychosis I'd read about ...and desperately trying to prove I was 'sane' )
Poo - none that I know about with DD1 but did with DD2 - all a bit of a rush remember shouting 'I'm going to poo' ...and Mw thanking me for telling them..
...and I can never forget - first photo of DD2 is of me holding her - sent to my family etc - later I realised there is a nice brown smear on my hospital gown ..
Was high on pethidine in labour with dd1 and told DH that the midwives didn't know about the good deals in Ikea. Also told him that I kept trying to chase cats up trees but couldn't catch them.
No poo in the hospital, but had builders in desperately trying to finish our kitchen and bathroom when I went into labour with dd2. I had just been sick in a bowl when I felt the urge to evacuate my bowels and my mum found the builder had chosen that time to take off the cistern, cue some choice words. He went back to work in that loo afterwards, brave man.
The midwife was trying to get the afterbirth to come out after the birth of my son. She was massaging my belly very hard. I had apparently had enough of the entire birthing business, because I shouted at her that I had a gun in my handbag and would shoot her if she didn't leave me alone..
With DD2 I was very tired and grumpy having been in labour for nearly 24 hours, and for some reason I took a dislike to the midwife
probably because she'd been putting me off having an epidural and told her that if she didn't get me some gorram pain relief I would poo on her sandwiches.
Then she examined me and told me I was too far gone and I shouted "Fie on you! A curse on your house!" which had DP giggling for ages.
Love this thred, brings back so many memories.
DD1 and 18 years old induced and sucking on G&A like it was life and death to then start demanding sex there and then ! from DP and singing the walls sausages advert at the top of my lungs.
I didnt know I had pooped till DP told me and i didnt belive him.
Still to this day (15 years down the line) he reminds me about it grrr.
I was high on gas and air and as the anesthetist walked in I cheerfully greeted him by saying "hello Dr Shahee Mahal!" as in the curry house. he smiled, DH mortified & wildly apologizing....I kept on saying other things that were quite embarrassing (not for me, I was laughing my head off) then as he finished with the epidural I waqs so happy for the pain relief, I wanted to give him a kiss, forgetting that I'd just been sick and also pooed myself
after 2 boys our 3rd child was born. the midwife announced "it's a boy!" and I said - are you sure?
I ate a bag and a half of prunes the morning DS5 was born. while I had the most lethal farts you could've lit a bonfire with, deadly silent ones.DH gagging, MWs eyes watering all running to open the windows to get some fresh air. after DS5 was born I went to the loo and sicked up all the prunes into the bidet and manage to block it.
With our 6th I was fully dilated and told to push but actually stopped having any pain. I panicked and demanded a C section. the midwife was shocked. I literally folded my arms and said I'm not doing it. I told my husband to quickly get someone and take me to get a Csection. he refused. I insisted that I just won't do anything I don't care if we are here all day, I 've no pain I'll be fine. I'm happy to wait.
It was like a Wild West stand off or more like arguing with a 2 year old.
I actually thought she would slap me. I was hysterical, I was so worried about the pain I didn't want to push. It was bizarre.
It was ok at the end and DD was born with no need for stitches.
I remember also that I took so much gas & air I kind of knocked myself out, but when they put the anti sickness tablet in my mouth I was giggling and with my eyes still shut I said "I know what you are doing, I'm watching you!"
I honestly say that after 6 kids I have no dignity left and if anyone asked me to drop my knickers they'd hit the floor before I'd ask why...
I refused to get off the bed when the MW wanted to take me through to the delivery room and said, "I can't move, I'm going to poo!" She didn't believe me as I'd told her I couldn't, but I was right, and DH had to clean me up. The pethidine made me sick (anti-sickness drugs didn't work and I couldn't even keep water down) and after DD was born when they wanted me to go and have a shower I refused to move again because I felt so ill, so they brought water and DH washed me. Then I was very very sick and he had to do it all over again.
I think I may have been rude to the same MW who had made it clear she considered me a wuss to need pain relief at 2cm, when she discovered that it had all gone faster than anyone expected and I was fully dilated less than 2 hours later. But the funniest bit (in retrospect) was when DH, who was feeling a bit of a spare part because I didn't want him to do anything for me, said: "But I feel impotent!" and I snapped back: "If you were fucking impotent we wouldn't fucking be here, would we?!"
Very early stages of labour with number two, was already having quite painful contractions but as my midwife did an internal, I had a contraction and it didn't hurt so I tried to demand she left her hand there, sadly she refused.
Then quite a few hours later, I was having a lot of pain in my bottom region and will never forget the shocked look on my (lovely but quite Christian) midwifes face as I loudly moaned, 'it feels like I'm being buggered really hard'.
I had a right go at the midwife for changing the sheets, whilst I was mid labour
She told me v. Discretely it was coz I'd shat myself
With ds I remember a nurse coming in to take blood sample before an emcs. Dp informs me I told her if she stabbed me with needle I would pull it out and stab her with it!
Then when I saw how many people were in theatre I asked if the cleaners were busy as they were only people not present. not my finest hours
princess that reminded me of my first birth. The midwife put her fingers inside to show me where I had to feel the pushing, to make my pushes effective. When she moved her hand I said I couldn't tell where to push and insisted she put it back. Bless her, my lovely midwife did, for two hours, until the baby's head came down and she had to move. I had forgotten all about that until reading your post.
Reading these does make me realise just how lovely most midwifes are. Staying calm and sympathetic whilst we poo and puke on them and often swear at and threaten them.
When my mother in law was in labour with my future husband, she was so high on whatever drugs they gave her that she started ranting about needing a black umbrella. She was so convincing that her husband left her in labour at the hospital and went to the shops to buy one! Her mood had changed by the time he'd returned and he was berated for leaving her on such a bizarre errand!
My son was booked in for a caesarean but I went into labour a few days early. Off we went to hospital expecting the caesarean but the labour was progressing so fast they kept telling me there wasn't going to be time. That didn't stop me continuing to ask for my caesarean. In fact, my baby's head was out and I was still asking for my caesarean and was most put out not to get it!
Nar4, I was told that her hand being there would make my contractions ineffective for dilating my cervix!
Forgetting i had my knickers on just before giving birth to dd4
Midwife shouted dh to help aid me to take them down!!!
She was nearly born with knickers on her head
NAR4 yes, yes they are, mine were all fantastic!
although I did accuse them of not looking carefully enough for the mute button whilst checking the placenta!
My bf had a wonderful conversation with her mum about squirrels and nuts whilst on pethidine. Basically she likened her dad to a squirrell and wasn't it just wonderful that he had been saving up all his nuts, she went on about it for an hour or so.....
Jesus Christ I'm actually in tears here.
I've nt yet had a baby, but I'm currently at college so I can go on to do midwifery poo here i come!
On all fours on the hospital bed, contracting like mad and trying hard to scream so i didnt disturb anyone else in the bay. My waters had gone by then too but because the contractions were coming thick and fact and the need to push was immense I couldnt move from that position to find the button to call for help. So I screamed my head off. And screamed some more til the MW came to tell me to "shut the hell up and stop making such a huge fuss about nothing as I was only 2cm dilated." While still in that position I told her I must be more because I'd just felt the top of DC2 head with my palm. Could hear other people talking and swear they all thought I was being a total wimp and really was 2cm
Wasn't totally humiliating though as DS was born about 5 minutes later.
so fuck you bitch MW! i was not only 2cm dilated, i was 10cm! so nerrrrr! FWIW they hadn't checked on me for well over an hour so couldn't have known for sure I was only 2cm still.
BTW DP had been sent home as I was only 2cm dilated and you had to be at least 3cm to be able to go to the delivery suite. So they sent me on my own to the ward as it was 2am. Which is why I was all on my own and had to scream and make noises like a cow to get anyone to come check on me
With dc3 all was pretty straightforward, at home, quick labour, no pain relief. S don't even have gas and air as an excuse for trying to push him back up my fanjo when his head was crowning.
I put it down to watching too many episode of I didn't know I was pregnant, when shocked dads aree told by 999 operators to support the head as its delivered to slow things down. The midwife said "what on earth are you doing?" she was on her own and had only just arrived and was getting her kit out. I tnk I said I was pushing him back in. She thought I was a lunatic.
I didn't tear though, bar a "small graze", though if any damage to your nethers can really be described as a small graze is a moot point IMO.
With dc2 I remember making my dh get a pen and paper so he could write down the manufacturers details for the gas and air. I think I wanted to buy some for occasional use at home.
I don't really do embarrassment during labour.
I'm more Earth goddess behave however you feel as you birth a new life into being
But I don't mind saying that I did feel a bit deflated for a moment when I got out of the birthing pool after DD's birth. I think I needed someone to immediately wrap me up in a cosy toweling dressing gown as my new PP body took a bit of getting used to, and t'was chilly out of the pool. Felt much better when I got DD back for a cuddle
I had an easy pregnancy, went into labour...everything going fine, fully dilated, started to push. Then DD got stuck. I was like "I CAN'T PUSH" I actually couldn't it just wasn't happening, and no one seemed to believe me.
Well it all went down hill from there, I don't remember much of what happened. It included ventouse, forceps and episiotomy.
After a few hours of holding my beautiful baby and forgetting it all...DH told me about the ventouse. The Dr had put it on DD'S head and began to pull...but the suction cup came off her head and part of it flew across the room, and blood from down there splatted all over the Dr's face, apron, hat etc. Good job he was wearing his mask!
I had a fucking evil bitch of a midwife who stood there and did NOTHING except raise her eyebrows and write things down snidely in her notes. My only defence in my personal 38-hour horror movie was to focus my attention on HER and give her my best, gas-and-air-high, Jack Nicholson-in-The-Shining evils look throughout.
It wasn't until 5 months later (FIVE MONTHS!), waking up in the middle of the night to the hungry cries of DD that I realised the poor woman was only reading my birth plan in which it quite clearly states: "I wish to have minimal intervention and would like to be left alone with my partner at all times unless there is a medical emergency".
I wish I could give her a hug now.
Midwives are amazing.
Haven't laughed so much in a while!
cynner loving the gun in the handbag, hilarious!
After about 12 hrs of being on gas & air with DS who was back to back a consultant came into talk to me to persuade me to have an epidural that I didnt want. He had the same surname as a friend of mine and this particular name is also in a song... I proceeded to say 'oh, I know a song about you! And burst into full song'. His face stayed expressionless and I felt like a naughty school girl so tried to explain how it was my best friends name too & we used to sing it to her at school, and was he related to her.... He still didn't respond.
These are hilarious! Am crying with laughter!
Can I add my own tale? I originally posted about it on a different parenting site, under the name of bewilderedmum, and somehow, it ended up in classics on MN... here goes....
By Bewilderedmum, posting on Bad Mothers Club, 00:03 29/01/2007
After ds1 was born, I needed stitches. They removed the top half of the bed, and put me at the bottom half, with my feet in stirrups. It was a very small delivery room - in part cos I don't think they thought I was EVER going to give birth
Soo - am there, feet in stirrups, occupying the bottom half of the bed. The doctor was perched on a wheely stool thing, in this tiny delivery room, awaiting the passive arrival of my torn min-min, for his ministrations...
Aaanyway, cos of syntocinon drip, I was still honking like a good 'un, so some bright spark, propped me up on pillows , and raised the bottom part of the bed, so I didn't choke....
Unfortunately, because I am incredibly supple (tae kwon do) and had an epidural, which meant I had no feeling or control (or so I said )
I SLID down the delivery table, past the end, past the stirrups - my feet stayed where they were in the stiruups, but the rest of me carried on..) and into the face of the waiting doctor.
Cos it was a small delivery room, he was PINNED to the wall, by my savaged min-min - honest to god, it was in his face. he shouted "HELP" in quite a distressed tone of voice, but the midwives and dh were busy with the baby..
After 38 hours of labour, and a severe sense of humour failure throughout - it suddenly returned..
The Doctor looked SO panicked - like I was wielding a sub machine gun, not a savaged min-min.
I remarked to him "I bet you didn't think you'd spend your saturday night like THIS did you!!" Then I LITERALLY pissed myself laughing - in his face...
Dh turned to me, with some irritation, and said "FGS sober up - you're a mother now!" - which made me laugh even more!! and the midwives ran to oik me up the bed - but the doctor looked distinctly nervous - he did a FABULOUS job of my stitches - afterwards, I hardly knew they were there -
mind you - by this point, he was prolly so freaked out by my min-min, that he thought if he didn't do a good job, my min would find out where he lived, and would come and burn his house down....
I had an elective section so none of your poos. I did refuse to have the catheter put in the evening before though. The nurses on my ward must have been properly pissed off with me.
It didn't improve when I got to theatre, I'd rowed with the anesthetist the evening before about local versus general. He wanted to give me an epidural, I told him I wanted a general. He said 'there's more chance of you and your baby dieing' I pointed out that was down to his skill not me. Once we'd agreed it would be a GA, I got the oxymeter on my finger. He insisted that I got to 100% before he would start. I pointed out that 99% was a good figure for someone who smoked. This low level niggling carried on to the amusement of my doctor.
Long long ago, when I was in England I nursed on a gynae ward. A young woman (around 16) came in for a TOP. Her and her boyfriend were shagging about an hour and half after she came back from theatre.
The police were involved.
Oh pixwix, I just laughed so hard at that I woke DP!
I don't have any such takes from labour but if the poor women who had the misfortune be I duced at the same time as me are reading, I apologise profusely for my Darth Vader impressions throughout the night. I understand your induction did not go quite as quickly as mine so you probably did not appreciate repeated declarations of 'Luke, I am your father' while I sucked madly on gas and air.
Princess - TOP = termination of pregnancy
You ladies have made me laugh so much!! Freaking love these stories! Especially the one about the consultant being pinned down by a min min hahaha!!!
rip - that TOP story is awful! What the fuck is wrong with some people?
And pixwix - you win the trophy for best labour stitches story. ACE!
During my C-section they said they would give me a morphine suppository for pain relief once they were all done.
Me, being a control freak, asked them if they had done it when they were about to wheel me out of theatre. Nurse "yes, don't panic we've done that already!".
It totally passed me by that I wouldn't be able to feel them do it <<doh>>. It's very odd knowing I was oblivious to someone was popping a suppository in my bottom while I was merrily chatting to everyone and looking at newborn DS.
The 'stealth suppository', I had one of those too! Did anyone else get a pethedine injection post c-section to calm down their shaking? Having had pethedine during labour, I was most reluctant to but when I did give in, it was a totally different feeling to the one they gave me previously.
It wasn't embarrassing and no knew it was happening but I did have an 'out of body experience' in labour. Really I did, at one point I was up on the ceiling looking down on myself.
These are cheering me up on foul grey wet day. Thank you.
After EmCS all around me doing notes and clearing up, DH and anesthetist were STILL talking cameras and taking snaps of stuff around the operating theatre, DS was still feeding. Lovely nurses told me they were cleaning me up and apologised for taking so long ... I said, sorry, I had a shower this morning, I can't think what that can be' and went on and on about it. Love them, they just raisd their eyebrows... Only weeks later did I realise that major abdominal surgery can counteract the effects of a shower ...
Mine is about dh rather than me. In the labour room having dd, the mw left for a bit. I was trying to persuade dh to try the gas and air. He refused (trying not to break the rules). While we were discussing it the mw came back in and said that if he tried it while she couldn't see she'd never know.
He was still unsure but gave it a go while I went for a wee. He came in the bathroom with a big grin and the biggest hard on he's ever had. Cue fits of giggles from both of us. We walked back into the room to see the mw standing there, eyebrow raised and told him it was the most inappropriate side effect she'd ever seen!
Also with ds2, he came very fast, no time to get to hospital so dh called an ambulance. I remember hearing the siren getting closer and saying to dh that he'd better go next door to check our neighbour was ok as she'd recently had a heart attack. He sort of patted me on the head and said in a pitying sort of way that he thought it was for me. I was shocked. Ds2 arrived 15minutes after dh had rung the ambulance so I was a bit out of it.
I have enjoyed this thread so much I feel obliged contribute, although my story is not a patch on many of these.
With my son I started in the pool but had to get out of the pool due to his heartbeat slowing and needing closer monitoring. As I had left the pool they needed to transfer me to another room but my contractions were intense, close and they had no mobile gas and air (they were attached to the walls in the rooms).
So I decided in my head that my plan would be to finish a contraction and immediately proceed as quickly as possible to the next room to reach the gas and air before the next contraction started. I didn't vocalise this plan to my husband or midwife. The minute my next contraction ended I just leapt up and darted naked into the corridor, midwife and husband chasing me with a sheet. midwife caught me (not hard considering the state of me), wrapped the sheet round me "for my dignity" and physically stopped me running. I got to the doorway of the next room when my next contraction started and as I was howling in the doorway with my contraction all I could think was that I would have made it if that bloody meddling midwife hadn't stopped me.
I also pooed like a trooper, but that doesn't score many points on this thread
I went into shock after DD1 was delivered and couldn't stop shaking. The midwives were wonderful about it and put me on oxygen. I kept asking if they had got the afterbirth out yet as I just wanted them to stop piddling around down there... The MW gently informed me that they could only deliver the placenta if I opened my legs again...
When DH turned up at the labour ward for DS I got a hold of the
throat shirt collar and screamed "where the fuck have you been?" at him
Almost knocked DH out with the entonox breathing tube as I was waving it around like a loon and had to have it gently taken away!
dingdongbelle your West Wing story is BRILLIANT. Husband and I are laughing like drains at it.
This is really making me wish we got G&A in the States. Sounds amazing!
No G&A? Is there any alternative? Or is it epidural or nothing?
I think, though I may be wrong, that they do offer some kind of pethadine equivalent.
There are meds they can give you in your IV drip, I believe. But most people just go for the epidural or nothing.
We only have gas and air at the dentist, for some reason.
I had G&A and an epidural. 'Twas great
I only agreed to give birth again on the understanding that I could be off my rack on gas and air. Legal highs, yummy.
My otherwise-lovely-but-very-woo home birth MW brought the G&A with her but by sheer force of personality persuaded me I'd be better off without it and left it in the living room while I ended up doing the whole thing on two cocodamol and a lot of bad language (oh, okay, and an attention-seeking live birth fred ). I bet I wouldn't have cared so much about the poo on gas and air. [bitter]
I should have told put my foot down but was too scared to and didn't want to beg for it or otherwise make a scene, apart from the obvious one of crapping,naked, in a giant paddling pool my own home in front of a complete stranger.
God forbid I'd have needed the diamorphine...
These stories are hilarious!
Mine is nowhere near as funny, but I became rather unreasonable during my labour with DS1 regarding what I was allowed to drink. I wasn't allowed food as there was a chance I would need an EMCS, so after 15 hours of induced labour with nothing but water, and being off my face on G&A and having an epidural in, I threw a bit of a hissy fit and demanded, in a whiny child voice that I be given lemonade. DH and DM asked the MW and got a no, which led me to whine a bit more about orange juice - another no. DH said I started whimpering and he came up with the idea of giving me warm water as a change, to which I apparently gave a big sigh and a contented smile.
Also, the team who eventually arrived to take me to theatre a few hours after the drink incident were most surprised to find me totally chilling out and had to wrestle the G&A off of me to sign the release form. DH said I was so laid back that the whole team were having a chuckle at my big goofy grin and wobbly head nodding.
This thread has had me crying with laughter! I was very pleased with myself for not pooing myself when I had dd but I'm now 20 wks with dc2 and wondering what will happen...
Oh dear pixwix, I almost pooed myself laughing just now reading your contribution.
<wipes away tears and checks sheets just in case>
I would give good money for gas and air. It should be free just to cheer people up. My best bit was rolling round on a birthing ball shouting "these contractions are fucking brilliant" to a bemused DH. That bit didn't last long though.
I got to have a toot recently when I went in to see my DSis' new baby. Lovely.
Oh dear God this thread has had me crying with laughter. Not sure whether I am looking forward to or dreading going into labour now!
Ah, this thread has made me giggle!
Thankfully no poo experiences with DS, but I did at one point turn round to a crying DH and scream 'I CANNOT deal with YOU being LIKE THAT, right now!' which the consultant thought was a bit mean, and only made DH cry more. When they put me up in stirrups and told me I needed a forceps delivery I tried to climb off the bed explaining that I had changed my mind and didn't want to have a baby any more.
I also got the joy of the suppository after birth. The consultant said 'I just need to check your anus now, and pop in a painkiller, it will really help' and I yanked myself up the bed a bit and asked if it was really going to hurt. I had just had a forceps devilery, episiotomy and a world of stitches so the consultant was a bit like no, in the grand scheme of things, this wont hurt.
Did anyone else have to wee in the cardboard basin afterwards, and leave in the toilets, so the midwives could see it? Apparently some women are so scared that they lie to the midwives and say they have been for a wee when they really haven't
This thread is brilliant!
All the poo stories are making me glad that I got the runs earlier on in the whole process while I was still at home with my TENS machine. Saying that though, having contractions and pooing at the same time is never glamorous no matter where it all happens.
I managed to bite DH during a particularly strong contraction before the midwife had turned up to show me how to sort out the G&A. By the time I was being stitched up and having a painkiller shoved up my bum I was wired on Lucozade and coffee, bobbing my head along to 80s classics on the radio.
EasilyBored I weed in the loo and flushed only for a midwife to tell me I SHOULD have done it in a cardboard container and showed her. She didn't seem overly fussed though.
Actually feeling really traumatised and crossing my legs at the thought of sex happening on the wards
These are so funny! DS3 is 5 days old with a 3 hour labour and I can remember every second.
After the midwife thinking I was about to give birth in the car park, me insisting I couldn't stop pushing and making a hell of a racket, I discovered I was only 7cm. I announced loudly several times I needed to poo until the midwife eventually said "yes, I think you do". Several loud pushes later, with her trying to, ahem 'help it out' with tissue , I shouted very loudly "If I can't even push a bloody poo out, how the hell am I supposed to have a baby!"
5 minutes later DS was born.
The thing that is most embarrassing is this is a quiet birth centre in a victorian building (think echos), and the post natal ward is only across the 5 foot corridor - with only 2 other ladies there, there was no hiding my shame in the morning!
Hey you ! Be proud - you just had a gorgeous baby didn't you ?!
I obviously have no shame - I yelled my head off having both my two. (not at same time !)
Then afterwards (with DS) when I went for my shower the midwife wanted to prove to me that the water pool had been unavailable as the room was being re-decorated.
So we walked past the said room and I quite brazenly said hello to the decorators. It wouldn't have occurred to me to feel the sort of embarassment others are talking about - I was on a labour ward after all. I get to call the shots ! I did think it was a bit of a weird idea from my midwife though - I'd probably rather just have had my shower
Sounds nice to have your baby in a small place Janine - I'd have just been dying to show DS off to the other two Mums. Anyway, huge congrats on the birth of DS3 Hope all is going well for you all in these early days
I started reading this thread, but 3 days post-section, I fear I will burst my stitches from laughing too much. Ow! No shameful stories to tell
I have no dignity anyway.
Ooh, congrats to you too Unreasonable - oh, Rarely of course !
We sound like minded
Thanks for making me laugh, needed this thread tonight.
I only remember snippets of my last delivery, all of them make me cringe a bit.
As I lay in the bath in the labour suite I heard my dh ask the mid wife "What time do you finish?". "I'm still here" I quipped. Poor (innocent) dh was mortified.
I also remember asking Dh if I could bite his hand. He let me. It kind of felt good.
As I was wheeled off for an EMCS 16hrs and 10cm of hypnobirthing later I was so away with the fairies I kept begging for a tummy tuc whilst they were at it.
Then on delivery of my 10lb 15oz (yes really) ds the very funny and very camp anesthetist took one look at the baby being held up and said to me "I'm so glad that was not a vaginal delivery"
I farted in the midwife's face. She stopped what she was doing, looked at me and said 'thanks for that, my mouth was open!' Luckily she saw the funny side of it!
i got stitched in theatre under a spinal after my baby was born. The anaesthetist was very nice and told me I wouldn't feel anything after what I'd been through. Then he said not that I know what it's like, I told him it was like shitting a pineapple backwards and fainted off the bed.
Had a C/S and when was allowed up to 'mobilise' took myself off down the corridor to the bathroom. Felt a bit strange walking along but was happy to be up and doing. DH was with new DS in my cubicle.
I didn't come back for aaaages and he started getting worried. Asked a member of staff if they'd seen me, nobody had, someone started checking the bathrooms on the ward.
Meanwhile I had passed out in the loo (was sitting on it, passed out flopped over and slid onto the floor on my face), with my arse in the air and lochia everywhere. Arse facing the door. I woke up as they had a janitor break into the loo, his horrified face as he gazed at me is seared onto my memory.
Sozzzle That made me laugh! I'm sure it wasn't so funny at the time though
You lot are hilarious! Luckily for me, the only bit of my labour I cringe remembering is when the midwife invited my husband to see my 'anal pouting'. (I think it's the same thing someone upthread experienced.) He also sounded politely interested and I remember thinking 'we may never have sex again'.
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