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How to control visitors?

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By Mon 26-Oct-09 13:02:00 Add message | Report | Contact poster

My second baby could arrive at any minute now, and I am getting more and more worried about visitors, particularly my ILs.

They are absolutely lovely, but they can be overpowering, especialy FIL. Eg the other day DD was going to her dance class, he turned up, let himself into our house, took her lunch off her and put the plate in the sink (still with spaghetti and toast on it, thus making more work in cleaning up the sink etc) put her tap shoes on her (even though I have told him many times that I like her to wear her outdoor shoes on the way to dancing so the tap shoes don't get worn out and she doesn't slip) and generally moved things about in my house (such as laying a bathroom towel over a puddle where she had an accident while I was out of the room, so I didn't notice to clean it until later). After the lesson, he asked DD (not me) if she wanted to come round to his for biscuits and to play with some new toys, and didn't return her until a couple of minutes before bedtime, and he had told her she was having a bath that night, without warning me, so I had to distract her while the water heated up (about an hour) and she was having tantrums because she was tired but he had been telling her how fun her bath was going to be.

So, he was being helpful, and I am grateful for that, but I can just see him being overpowering like that with the newborn as well, and not sure how I will cope when tired and recovering from a section.

I'm also worried that both sets of grandparents are going to turn up at the hospital when I am still catheterized and immobile, not to mention full of drugs, and fuss and mess and generally irritate me when I will just want to lie there, chat with DP and stare at our new baby.

DP suggests inventing some "useful" errands for his parents, eg going to the supermarket for us or taking DD to playgroup. He won't get any paternity leave because he is new to his job, but my mum will probably be coming for the first few days I am out of hospital (I don't mind her in the house, as we are close enough for me to be able to tell her if she is annoying me)

I know I will need help after a section, and I am very grateful to have them, I just don't want to end up snapping and shouting at them!

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Thu 05-Nov-09 11:56:37

I am pregnant with my first child and having baby at home. I have already got my OH to tell his family that I do not want visitors for the first 3 days and definately not at the birth. His family are really lovely but I want to be able to get used to breastfeeding and my baby before I have visitors especially as they will ahve to stay overnight as we don't live near them. His mum was put out as she thought she would be getting in the car as soon as I was in labour as she had waited outside hospital room with all her other grandchildren. I used the excuse I am having baby at home and will be wandering around naked and don't want everyone seeing me in that state. I made a joke of it all and said I know I'm evil but hey it's my baby and my birth and I'm having it my way. My family have been told the same. They may hate it but I have watched too many friends get stressed and upset by being bombarded with visitors in the first few days. Also because I have told them before baby has arrived they can get used to it and accept it.
Good luck and say NO to visitors until you want them.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Wed 04-Nov-09 13:00:27

I would just say a very firm 'NO visitors for X amount of days, please' and get your DH to back you up.

I said no visitors to the hospital other than my mum / sister / first child after having my 2nd child (also by section), and that we would let ILs and other family/friends know as soon as I was feeling up to seeing them once we were home.

Because I had that space (unlike first time round, when MIL was waiting in my front room for us when we brought the baby home!) I felt a lot more sociable more quickly, and actually wanted to see people within about 3 days.

Be firm. They will get over it.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Wed 04-Nov-09 12:55:10

pretend you are not home and hide, don't answer the door when FIL is approaching the house. worked a treat after I had DS. they soon get fed up of coming to the door, trust me.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Wed 04-Nov-09 12:51:09

I really sympathise Lissy. Its a minefield of diplomacy when you have a baby and everyone stakes a claim!

My horror story is MIL related too: First of all she announced she was coming to stay with us for a week after DS1 was born and my DH said "who are you staying with?". She said us of course, and when he said we weren't having any overnight guests until we knew what we were doing, she said she would never speak to us again.

When poor DH finally got through to her via another family member, he told her visits were fine, but she would have to stay in a B and B this time. Once I was home (after EMCS, DS was nearly 11lb), she actually interfered with breastfeeding! At one point when I was BFing, she came over to "turn his face round so she could see him properly as he was Bfing" (I warded her off) and as he (finally!!) left she wanted to kiss him goodbye as he was BFing. Once again I warded her off. DS2 due in 3 weeks by CS and we have a good plan that involves her looking after DS1 and staying at ours and being GONE by the time I come home. Everyone's happy and I barely have to see her. Bingo. DH is a genius.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Wed 28-Oct-09 14:06:07

Thanks comma, she's not that bad usually but when I was vulnerable and hormonal etc I just couldn't hack this virtual stranger being in my house telling me what to do. I'm not sure she'd be that much help this time. We do have a toddler but she's not the type to play with him, she'd just feed him or watch telly. She's bad on her feet so she wouldn't be able to take him out anywhere or anything.

I'm hoping I can get away with visiting her for a few days rather than being trapped in my own house. I daresay someone's nose will be put out of joint no matter what I do though, and dp ALWAYS takes her side in everything. I won't win. hmm

Good luck with your situation, they're tricky.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Wed 28-Oct-09 14:03:17

James and Lissy PLEASE both put your feet down, decide what YOU want and then inform your inlaws that's the way it will be. This is your life and your baby, you are in control, if they are offended that is really their problem.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Wed 28-Oct-09 13:19:41

Sorry Lissy about your sister. sad

You really have to put your foot down though; it sounds like a teenage daft thing to me. She'll get it when she's in your situation...

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Wed 28-Oct-09 13:17:55

james What a horrible story! Tell mil to clear off!
I didn't have anybody for three weeks last time, it was lovely. Seriously, the best time I have ever had I think.
This time MIL comes for two weeks, which may be okay as toddler needs to be amused and I'll have a csection, but am entirely prepared to miss the best part of it all because there won't be any privacy, and MIL is given to exuberant hysterics on how fabulous everything is. Could be worse, but sigh.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Tue 27-Oct-09 23:16:04

I have the same sort of issue here too. When I had ds I had been in hospital for less than 24 hours before my mil (and sil and her new boyfriend) all jumped in the car from 3 hours away, and declared they were on their way and wanted to stay with us.

Sil and her boyfriend were apparently staying at ours on our first night with a new baby because it was "convenient" as they were on their way to visit someone in the next town. hmm

I had nowhere for three of them to sleep, and not enough bedding. I was really upset and had to beg the hospital staff to discharge me, we got home about 30 min before they arrived. I had to put baby on the floor in his carseat and rush round to tidy up (I'd had really bad spd beforehand so the place was a mess) I felt so, so resentful.

Though sil and her boyfriend left the next day, mil stayed 9 days and it was a bit of a nightmare (she was very fussy over who came to visit, and how often. All MY friends and family, naturally! Even told me what I could and couldn't eat, and that I shouldn't go outside etc, wouldn't leave me alone when the mw came round to discuss my stitches etc - aargh!) So I only saw my big sister etc for an hour or two here or there, when I really wanted to have her there instead (my mum died when I was 23)

So I'm due my second in may, she still lives 3 hours away, and I know she'll expect to come down and stay for a week (and for dp to devote the best part of a day collecting her and taking her home) but tbh I'd really rather this was about me and the baby, not her wishes. Last time it was almost two weeks before dp and I had a single moment alone with our baby, and I found the whole thing really stressful.

I'm having this baby in a hospital but I've been offered to transfer to a tiny local midwife centre for some R&R for a couple of days. My family and friends all live locally, and I'd love my big sister to be properly involved this time instead of shoved out.

I just don't know what to do, at this rate I can see us travelling down to her with a 3 day old baby and probably another 2nd degree tear just so we have the option to leave...

Gah, sorry for the long hijack, I didn't realise I needed to get that out! blush

Add message | Report | Contact poster By Tue 27-Oct-09 22:34:12

We banned all visitors for a week after dd was born, got called all the names under the sun by family but was not having a repeat of when ds was born. Horrendous birth followed by sil and bil staying for 3 hours in the private room i was given because of said horrendous birth!! In fact come to think of it it was all dh family, mine were ok.
Have groundrules and stick to them, be in bed asleep when they call round, ignore the front door and put mortice lock on.I will be doing exactly the same this time round and dont give a toss how they will feel, much more important that you and dp bond with baby, good luck

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How to control visitors?