DH does not do emotions, he does logic. He is unable to understand the need I have for him to be supportive during labour. I really feel like banging my head against a brick wall. I've told him what would help me...and he comes back with 'well I would not want that'...I reply with 'but I would and I would find that supportive'...'well if someone said that to me/did that to me'...etc...aaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Please someone help me get through to him...is there a book? Maybe I'm not wording it correctly? Maybe if he does not understand the word 'supportive' now he never will and I'm best to find someone who does mop brows and says 'your doing really well' in a hearty positive voice...?

My first labour was under 6 hours so really worried about this one being mega quick and really need him to be there for me...and not look like a rabbit stuck between the headlights like last time...

Help!

Sounds like he needs to be woken up to the fact that this is about YOU and what YOU need. When he replies "I would not want that" you reply well I am the one giving birth and this is what i need.

When he replies "if someone did that to me"
reply w"well it isn't about you, it's about me so get your head around that and get on with it
Some men need a slap in the head, honestly.
Is he self-centred normally?

Sounds like he needs to realise that this isn't about him.

Those are the words I have used with him...'this is what I need'

He's said that I can't understand what it was like to sit by someone screaming in pain despite the fact I was the one screaming (in my memory it was discomfort but that's hormones for you ) He says he was terrified by it all...but he knew there was nothing to panic about...so why did he not just ACT supportive...honestly.

Both he and I believe he has mild aspergers. Hence the comment on his 'logic'...he does not understand emotions...but that is something I accept. What I don't accept is the fact he cannot act supportive, using his own words that he is comfortable with for a few hours...

And aspergers can come across as narcissistic. Ie me me me. Still do not understand what is so hard about mopping a forehead

have you considered hiring a doula? or having a close friend as a birth partner?

not saying that dh shouldn't be there, but maybe you need someone else to be the one giving the support?

He also made no attempt before the first birth to read up on how to support me. In fact he was not going to be there as he still, honestly believed that men sit outside the room and smoke a cigar...took me a while to convince him to move forwards in time from the 1950's to 2006...

He does have his good points... this is just one of his blind spots.

what about getting a doula? so he can still be there but someone else is actually supporting you in the way you need to be supported?

i would definitely get a doula if you can

Can you have 2 people in the delivery room? Read it was only one person somewhere...could have been local litrature

we can't ALL be wrong? lol

I missed a trick... you mean they are supposed to do something other than stand there and take gobs full of abuse without shouting back?

If he will be rubbish get someone else.

Or if it must be him, give him a detailed list of responses you require to situations and tell him to go by the script. He might find this ok.

<I also probably have aspergers>

No thisisyesterday just ruled the possibility out in my head...got head round it now...2 people in room = okay

I didn't need to abuse him...tho he did give me some funny things to say about afterwards...like him reading FHM with skinny beauties on the front page apparently he was reading an article about cars...what for an hour??? He does not see why that was untactful...<heads for brick wall again> he honestly did not...

Coolyourjets...detailed list of responses...any other ideas?

erm.....

A social story for it, yunno this is what happens this is what you do and when.

A checklist of stuff required. If he has aspergers remember he will probably take things literally so if he is told to sit in the chair he will probably do just that.

And nothing else...

My DH has similar tendencies so we communicate really well . If i need to rant for example I preface it with "i am going to rant, I do not require an analysis, a solution, or anything except wow that's rubbish, you must be upset"

you know he did just sit in his chair....

Oh my dh is good with the solutions... but I do tell him I just need him to listen and make 'you don't sound very happy' noises...I have read up a bit about it...I do understand emotions just don't have a meaning...that's why I need another way to get through to him...getting a book on amazon...whether it will help him understand the responses required...I'll read it too and try talking to him about it all...ie what to do when...he can set his mind to things (you know...blinkers to everything else) so hopefully he will to this.

He totally should be able to do this Ally.

I am wondering though, does he actually want to? Or just appear <as if by magic> at the baby produced moment?

If he is totally freaking about it he will just close up I would think and not be able to switch on logic/script man persona. <ponders what was going on in Mr Allys head while ostensibly looking at FHM>

Is there anyone else you would feel comfortable supporting you?

FWIW, i wanted no one, my DH eventually got me to admit him . I was a don't touch me don't look at me mute labouring woman. When the second midwife appeared with dd2 she came in and patted me and tried to hug me . I visibly recoiled and she was whispered to in urgent fashion by my midwife who had seen me every week for months!

I mention this because he might be similar and therefore is finding it really hard to comprehend the need for nurturing behaviour in the situation.

I hope you get a good outcome.

He said no at first, so he could look after dd, but he said he had thought about it and would like to be there at such a big event (sounds like he does want to be at the 'as if by magic' bit). I believe his fright at the pain I was in (he never says he loves me but that was the 'vibe' I got, he was really worried) but really...I was fine! I was coherent between contractions, he admits that...so he knew I was okay...the screaming was just me venting...

Anyway...I will try again with my emotional logic and see what happens...reassured you say he can do this He WILL support me damn it! If he really wants to of course...

Thank you!

I dont remember much about my DH while i was in labour, i had my mom in there with me and spent most of it holding onto her for dear life.

The one distinct memory i have of DH is him managing to pull the hose out of the G&A mouthpiece just as a contraction was coming.

I'm wondering wether i can delegate him as childcare and just have my mom this time

Why don't you ask your mother/sister to be your birth partner if your DH is no good at it?

dh can't pretend to be supportive/excited/grateful etc etc he only does that sort of stuff if it suddenly comes naturally. He just hung around at the birth of our 2 and slept on and off. BUT when each was born he was the first person I wanted to turn to and the first person (after me) I wanted to see and hold our babies so for me it didn't matter that he wasn't the perfect birth partner. I agree that in labour your needs should be paramount, but my advice is to make the most of the man you have (give him practical, logical jobs to do etc) rather than getting upset that he's not the man you would like him to be.

He sounds like my DH! Mine showed little interest in my pregnancy with DD1, only went to NCT classes because I made him, and didn't feel the need to discuss or plan anything to do with the birth. Fortunately I took control and told him what to do and I think he didn't want to look silly in front of the MW so he was ok. It was the same with DD2 and then I got my own back with DS and he had to play MW and deliver DS in our kitchen! It was only then that I realised it didn't really matter how he acted prior to that, he came through in the end.

Hi Hedgewitch He sounds handy to have around...what on earth was he trying to do?! <I would have screamed blue murder for that...I like g & a>

Hi Anna - not an option, they are out of contact and the last people on earth I would have around me at the time...but nice thought! Can only think of one friend I would have there but she has 2 children and if I needed her she would then have to find childcare...suspect she would be brilliant...

Hi Shoppingbags - your right, I would want dh there for 'that' moment he has said I can't change him and he is perfectly right, but surely a few pointers for him...a bit more effort on his part to understand what he could do...in his own way...anything but just sit there and look horrified/terrified...surely its not that bad...

HI Honeybun at given birth in kitchen...I hope you have lino? How did he cope? And who mopped the floor afterwards?

why don't you ask someone useful to come in and help you? What's the point of trying to make him do and say things that he just doesn't feel able to do or say?

I think you should believe him when he says he found your first labour traumatic, dh who is so calm and borders on "cold" broke down when ds was finally born. He really struggles to say things just because I need to hear them. When I'm upset his stock phrase is "I don't know what you want me to say". My response "anything but that..."

Haven't read the whole thread, but have you considered a doula? I had one for DC2 as well as DP being there and it was brilliant, made so much difference

Nearest doula is about an hour and twenty min drive from the hospital I want to give birth at...cannot find one more local...

Maybe I am expecting too much of him, but I still think he could read the material on how to support during labour...discuss it...and if he's still uncomfortable...I suppose I just feel he could have made more of an effort beforehand last time and I want him to this time if he wants to be there as my birth partner which he says he wants to do...

Ally-Where are you? I am a doula and am in communications with lots of doulas everywhere. Maybe I could help you find one?

All90 - my husband was great during my labour, but we both found it really helpful and reassuring to have my SIL (best friend) there too. She has 2 kids so knew what she was doing, and was there to answer DH's questions when I was out of it.

It was wonderful having both of them there and it didn't make it feel any less special for DH and I (in fact DS has a really special bond with his auntie).

Talk to your friend if you think she might be good. Perhaps instead of paying a doula you can pay for some childcare for all of the kids when you're in labour (if possible) so you can have someone you know will support you there?

Good luck!

Just catted you Turtle

I would like someone else there, good idea to support dh, imagine he may a) come out of his shell and be reassured or b) retreat and let everyone get on with it...as he said he did last time...think midwife checked on us every 15 to 30 min for a minute then left... other than that it was me and him...

Hi Ally90, floor was ok (big blanket down) Designer white kitchen cupboards not so white though!!. Got the MW to clean up when she turned up 45mins later, well she didn't have too much else to do. DH didn't have a choice but to cope, but felt v proud afterwards. Being forced into being supportive by events is one thing but if he feels you are forcing him in any way he will resent you and completely clam up ( if he's anything like my DH) Good luck and perhaps read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' XXX

Hi Honeybunmum

45 minutes!!! At least your cupboards would wipe down...

I'm debating getting a doula to support dh me and she can guide him as to what he can do. I feel that its not a case of forcing...he is volunteering/wants to be there so therefore if he wishes to be my birth partner he should do a bit more reading up to become one...and interpret things in his own way...such as he would never say 'gosh I love you darling'...that is fine but 'puuuuusssshhhhh!!!' would be good if he could manage to vocalise that...just anything but just sit there...can you tell I'm still frustrated? Having a doula is looking good...

I don't think that men should be forced into doing this by public's expectations. My DH was with me the whole way through and he found it very very traumatic. He was great, but I really wish that I had had a doula/independent midwife there. We were both completely out of our depth as things started to go wrong. He still gets upset about it over a year later. I think it is important to have very positive people who believe that you can do it with you when you are having a baby.

I'm with minxpinx on this. Having someone with you who for whatever reason is not 100% focussed on your needs is counter-productive. I don't see what is so great about the father being there - these are not vital moments, which if missed, irrepairably damage the family relationship.

Maybe, if he has Asperger's, he genuinely was traumatised by the first birth? You describe yourself as screaming (never saw the need for that myself) - don't you think he would have found that difficult? Yes, it's all about you, so if he can't provide what you need, get it from someone else!!

Being a birth partner is a messy, scary business best reserved to a) trained professionals of either gender and b) women who have been there.

I'm not forcing him to be there, he wants to be there, he's been talking about being there, but there is a part of him that thinks he is not able to be supportive (which makes me think he may not be willing, but I can only go by what he says). My view is, if he wants to be there he should be providing for my needs. He thinks he will cope better this time and know more of what to expect but its the supportive role that he has problems with hence me now thinking seriously of a doula.

Georgemama - "You describe yourself as screaming (never saw the need for that myself)"

Would you like to elaborate further on what you meant? I'm presuming it just came out wrong?

And I have to say in part I agree to men not having to be at the birth, however he wants to see the baby born and I would like him to be there too (just struggling with the supportive bit).

You said that during your first labour you were screaming and it upset him. I meant I don't see the need to scream in a manner which terrifies people whilst in labour. I should think my meaning was quite clear.

If he wants to be there but can't be what you want it does seem a bit pointless him being there, it will only upset you both - you will be resentful and he won't understand why.

I actually feel quite annoyed with what you said. I was hoping I had misuderstood. Every woman has a different labour everytime, and every woman has a different experience to other women in labour. If I felt a need to scream through contractions, and loudly, then that is what I needed to get through it. Whether it was loud enough to terrify I could not say.

However, I agree with you on your last paragraph...but he still wants to be there and I want him there at least for end bit. I will carry on discussing it with him.

Well I have no wish to argue with you, you are right, it is your birth experience and if you really think screaming helped you, go for it. But I was sure you said in one of your earlier posts that your DH said it terrified him, in which case, he's not the man for this job (or not all of it). If he can hang around somewhere and come in for the very end that would probably be best for both of you.

Yes it was me, and that is good advice.

Hi Ally

Think you said he's quite good at problem solving? Well here's a problem for him to research and find a soultion for;

Husband wants to be at birth of second child, however found first birth difficult for himself and in supporting his wife what can he do to ensure that husband and wife are happy second time around?

Give him a time scale and expect a full report back

Seriously you need to knwo now if he can be there and attempt to help you in the way you need. If he can't he needs to say so now so tat other arrangements can be made, whether this is someone else there with the both of you or you on your own. I ahve no doubt that men can get scared and have prblems afterwards in the same way women can afterall they may not be doing it but I'm sure some must suffer from post tramatic stress with some of the stories we hear!!!!!

Ally - there is a thread on this section about useful tips for DHs in labour. Maybe you can print it off for him with specific jobs and things you would like to hear from him. I did this and it really helped DH not to feel like a spare part and like he could do something useful. It is stressful seeing someone in pain and not being able to 'do' anything.

Georgiemamma - also found your pointon screaming odd. You may not have 'felt the need to' I could not help myself and I think that is quite common. Vocalising really helped actually.......

HI, Have you thought about having a Doula. This is what we are there for. We are there to give you all the emotional support and practical support you need through your labour but will also be there to help your husband get the best and most out of your birth. You can always private message me if you want a chat.

And Susie? I was talking to the OP, not you.

Probably not very helpful but after 3 births with DH 'stuck between headlights', I would choose a different birth partner! If ever I have another baby I am having my bestfriend, having your DH is not necessarily all it is cracked up to be.

Hi Lovebeingamummy, sound advice a good way to put it forward to him in a logical manner. Yes it was most likely traumatic...having to think back now to when an ex bf was in hosp for a month and in intensive care...saw him every night for that month and was there for him in intensive care and he never acknowledged the role I played...never said thanks for being there. I found that quite upsetting at the time...god I'm awful at empathising with my dh!

Susie thanks for the thread, had not seen that, will go find now and thanks for your post

Hi Saggyhairyarse...why has no one had that name before now your post is still helpful!

Anyway, I'm decided...I want a doula for us both! I want this birth to be different to my first one. Going to give dh a 'task' to read up on supportive techniques in any way he chooses, print off helpful dh in labour thread and I think tell dh that I perhaps have not entirely seen his side of it...

Thank you all for your advice and help. I know I can come across as a bit brash but its all a front...just feel a bit hurt by his lack of help (from my perspective at the time) and feel frustrated that I cannot communicate my needs to him so he understands what I want this time round. Will see if I can remember to post here again when birth is over to compare and contrast births...perhaps!

Allyx

Ally90,

Have you looked on Doula Uk

Sure there must be on closer to you xx