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Childbirth

Scared of being bullied

34 replies

Stefka · 31/08/2007 20:47

This is probably silly but I am starting to get fearful that I am going to be bullied by hospital staff into things I don't want.

I would have preferred to go to a midwife led unit but there is not one in my area. I had to go to the hospital once early on in my pregnancy and the nurses were lovely but the Dr's were a bit harsh.

I am fearful of lots of intervention which I would rather not have. It's my first baby so not sure what to expect. I know I am being a bit silly but I just wanted to write this out somewhere!!

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Hurlyburly · 31/08/2007 20:52

No you are not being silly - your concerns are perfectly justified - my experience was not good during my first birth - why don't you go and see the hospital again - draft your birth plan and crucially GET THEM TO AGREE WITH IT

You'll be fine - good luck xx

DaisyMOO · 31/08/2007 21:10

And you could consider hiring a doula to act as your advocate?

orangecat · 31/08/2007 21:14

The fact that you have identified this is the best first step. Just keep it top of mind, and make sure you ask for what you need.

The best piece of advice somebody gave me before having DD was that you know best what is happening to you, and don't be afraid to express yourself.

My hospital were really good, actually. I had difficult back-to-back birth, and they got a doctor in when I asked, which helped loads. I also sent the student midwife away, a bit loudly (to my husband's horror). Got really annoyed that she wasn't taking part, just starting at me!

Just be strong, and don't let them bully you. Perhaps also ensure your birth partner is briefed to back you up too

startouchedtrinity · 31/08/2007 21:17

Don't be frightened. IME the doctors and midwives, whilst sometimes a bit short, have yours and your baby's best interests at heart. And with my first baby the doctors were better than the mwives. You will be fine, make your birth plan and know what you want but at teh same time listen to your body.

MrsTittleMouse · 31/08/2007 21:32

I didn't have a great experience. My advice is :

Get DH/DP on your side and make sure he knows exactly what you want.
Get DH/DP on your side and make sure he knows exactly what you want.
Get DH/DP on your side and make sure he knows exactly what you want.
You get the idea.

mishymoo · 31/08/2007 21:46

Drs will only intervene if the MW thinks it absolutely necessary! You may well have a "simple" delivery so I wouldn't worry about it until the time comes - you'll be fine .

Just make sure your feelings are known to everyone when you arrive at the hospital - 9/10 they will respect your wishes and try and do as you want!

pastalady · 31/08/2007 22:40

This is exactly how I feel too Stefka. There are some great MW's, busy ones and not so nice ones and lots inbetween. Sadly it's just luck of the draw. Have you considered hiring a doula? They help you get through the birth and do everything they can to ensure your wishes are met. Plus, I've heard that hospital staff are more courtious and careful when there is another professional pair of eyes in the room.

Maybe you can get a good friend/family member to go with you for extra support and make sure that they know your wishes off by heart and will make them known if needs be.

Goood luck. x x x

spugs · 01/09/2007 16:19

i took my little sis (whos starting her midwife training this sep ) with me for dd2s birth as well as dh and shell be coming again for this ones. i refered to her as my guard dog (bless her) luckily she didnt have to do any but i knew that she would argue for me if anything was going on that she knew i didnt want (im a wimp plus g&a makes me not notice much else) she also kept me a bit sane when i started panicing during transition and wanted to lie on the bed in a mad attempt to stop the baby from coming out!!

if you dont want a doula then a sister/friend/mum etc who knows your wishes and isnt afraid to tell them is great, of course you also need them to realise when inteervention is in your best interests

Loopymumsy · 01/09/2007 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Stefka · 01/09/2007 20:13

Thanks for your replies and for making me feel less weird!

I think a doula sounds wonderful but we are a low income family and that is way beyond us financially. We have managed to get a place on some NCT classes for cheap though so I am thinking that they will hopefully give me a bit more info and confidence so that DH and I can make a plan together. Then I need to train him up to be vocal if needed!

The midwifes I have met all seem nice but then I have never met the same one twice and I tend to only see them for five minutes so I don't feel I know what they are really like.

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Loopymumsy · 01/09/2007 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Stefka · 01/09/2007 20:51

I just had a look at the site and got all excited because there is a trainee in my area looking for people due in the next few months. But I just read in my blurb from the hospital that I am only allowed one person with me and it is really important that I have my husband with me.

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wastingmylife · 01/09/2007 20:54

What about having a home birth? That way you get less of the hospital inventions.

Difers · 01/09/2007 21:12

Do hypnobirthing CD's, they make you really calm and in control. The Natal Hypnotherapy CD's cost about £16 each. They are also very good for helping you to sleep later in the pregnancy. I didn't actually feel any pain at all.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/09/2007 21:20

Stefka - ditto what MrsTittlemouse said x 50

Also, speak to the trainee about a freebie - i'm not sure the hospital can categorically state only 1 especially if that other "1" is a doula.

It is very much my experience that you can be coerced and shuffled along the labour process to suit the mw's and dr's but there is absolutely no reason why you should do anything unless there is immediate danger to you or your baby - which I am sure there wont be.

Do a birth plan in advance and give it to your DP AND a copy to the mw at the hospital too.

You DONT have to lay on the bed to give birth. You DONT have to pull your legs/knees up to push. You DONT have to be on a monitor the whole time - even if you are being induced.

puffylovett · 01/09/2007 21:27

I had tyhe same worries stefka. In the end they wanted to induce me and i had to fight to go 18 days overdue. what really made the difference for me was that i had researched EVERY aspect of birth and read loads and loads of stories, so i knew all the risks, side effects and options of every single thing that could happen.

consqequently i was able to firmly stand my ground against the dr's and luckily had the backing of an understanding senior midwife at the hosp who could tell i had done my research.

IME a lot of the MW's were telling me hopsital policy, bit whispering well done for standing your ground !

However, I was the first in a long time to have had a natural birth with a physiological 3rd stage, so that might tell you something about what you can be up against !

I would say do your research and stand your ground within reason, but be prepared to p ut yourself into their hands if you need to, as at the end of the day as starttouchedtrinity says, they only have the best intersts of you and the baby at heart and they are the experts.

missbumpy · 02/09/2007 20:06

Stefka I'm due in 6 weeks and I feel exactly the same way. I can't afford a doula either so I'm just trying to keep myself as well-informed as possible (I really recommend reading Ina May Gaskin's book on natural childbirth) and I've ordered a hypnobirthing book and CD. I'm going to go through a birth plan with my midwife next week and I'm going to go through it with my DP until he can recite it off by heart .
It is scary though isn't it? You read/hear so many stories about women being pushed into things they don't want when they're in labour and in no fit state to stand up for themselves.

Stefka · 02/09/2007 21:17

I am due in 6 weeks too!! My due date is 14th Oct - how about you?

The anxiety is really kicking in for me now. Trying to stay positive as possible though. I have got myself a hypnotherapy CD and started to listen to it the other day so hopefully that will help.

I find medical people a bit intimidating and I am not good a confrontation. I always feel really rushed at my midwife appointments - it's very much in and out as fast as possible.

I might send this woman an email and see if she has any suggestions. I have to have my husband with me though - that's really important to me.

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Elasticwoman · 02/09/2007 21:42

Stefka - have the NCT classes touched on assertiveness yet? If not, ask the teacher next time.

I know you hear lots of stories of bad birth experiences, usually centring on loss of control on the part of the mother, but I for one had positive experiences. Lots of mothers do. I do think it helps to have a birth plan, written down. It gives the mw an idea of how you want things to go.

Remember that it's your body and they need your permission for any invasive procedures. You can always ask "what if I don't?" to anything they suggest. You may well decide they are right if they explain why. As others have said, your dh will be on your side and you have got plenty of time to let him know what you want.

Actually, I think it's easier to be assertive about what you don't want, than what you do: if you want an epidural and the anaesthetist isn't available, not much can be done. If the anaesthetist is there and you say no thanks, there's more chance you'll get your way.

Stefka · 02/09/2007 22:25

The classes haven't started yet - it's good to know that they cover assertiveness. Perhaps I will feel more confident once I have done them.

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Elasticwoman · 02/09/2007 22:31

That's what they're for, Stefka!

puffylovett · 03/09/2007 09:49

ps you're not being silly, it's a pretty major thing to go through but elasticwoman is right, it can be a great experience if you keep in mind what you would like to achieve, have a birth plan and just accept that it's going to happen no matter what !

i only have one ds, but had a really great experience & found it quite empowering actually, and i was dreading intervention too. despite the fact i was in a hospital and not at home as i'd planned. have you considered a home birth ?

my midwife couldn't believe me when i said no to the monitoring and gas and air - all i needed was to dangle off dp's neck & stay upright.

and i struggled to be assertive. but at the end of the day, when you are in labour - you'll either be EXTREMELY assertive or whimpering for drugs & forceps

Klaw · 03/09/2007 10:59

Stefka, do contact the local trainee doula and chat with her.

I am a trainee Doula myself and have spoken to the Head of Midwifery at two different Trusts to get clarification on the One Birth Partner thing. They have both said that that's an outdated policy and 2 birth partners are welcome. I am now confident that if I turn up with a client at either hospital my client would not be told to choose.... It has been important for me so far to get written confirmation that my client's wishes to have her Doula and dh with her at all times will be respected. The last thing any labouring woman needs is to be met at the hospital with confusion.

Klaw · 03/09/2007 11:04

Also when doing a birth plan, think of it as Birth Preferences, in fact, call it so.

Consider how you want your labour to go if normal and what your preferences are if you need any help. Also consider what is important to you in a CS and get that down on paper. It is very possible to have many things at a CS that you expect at a normal birth, like skin to skin, delayed cord clamping, silence so that your voice is the first heard, discover sex for yourself.... dyswim? This way, you should have some control over whatever happens and make this birth an empowering experience.

Stefka · 03/09/2007 12:23

I just sent an email off. I feel a bit nervous about it as I am not totally sure how I feel about it all but there is no harm in finding out more. I think everything is just worrying me at the moment - I get really anxious at night for some reason - it's not good.

Thanks to everyone for their support.

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