I hope this is ok to post here. I wasn't sure whether childbirth would be better but I am worried about the whole process so...
My husband and I are starting to think about having a baby. I know that we both definitely want a baby and we are financially prepared enough etc. I was sexually abused for much of my childhood from a very young age and I am terrified about the process of pregnancy and childbirth.
Intimacy with my husband is brilliant with no problems except very occasionally, which he always handles well. I have also managed smear tests but only with my GP who I have developed an excellent relationship with over many, many years. It is still horrid and traumatic, but possible. My concern is strangers being involved in the process, touching me in any way and especially if what they are doing will cause me pain, I know it will be impossible for me to stay present and not have flashbacks etc.
I have spoken to a few close friends who have had their own babies, all of whom tell me that 'in the moment' nobody cares who has their hand up your fango and any embarrassment etc goes away... but I havent found that reassuring because this isn't embarrassment. It's terror and reliving a decade of the worst, worst moments of my life.
I'm scared of everything that might be done to me but I am also scared that I will be so triggered and stressed and upset that I will not be able to be a good mother to my new baby. That they will suffer because of me suffering. I don't want the people who harmed me to be able to harm my baby, through me.
I'm not sure what my question is, it helps to have written down these thoughts. They swim round my head all the time at the moment. I would be so grateful if anyone would share their experiences or thoughts? If not, thank you for just reading. x
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Childbirth
Pregnancy and Birth Worries :(
39 replies
allloveknows · 27/07/2016 08:54
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