Was anyone else alone when giving birth to subsequent children due to childcare issues?

(12 Posts)
SleepFreeZone Tue 26-Jul-16 10:30:08

I had my second son in February. We had planned for my Mother to care for our eldest at our home whilst me and DP went into hospital, however when the time came my Mother was ill so obviously couldn't care for him. I ended up labouring alone in hospital and was then left for 5 hours after birth with no visitors as everyone was busy and they wouldn't let DP on the ward due to my eldest being with him.

Fortunately everything went well, no complications, but I just feel a bit 🙁 about it. If I tell anyone it turns into a pity party and I'm starting to feel as though this was a particularly unusual situation. Even the midwives were really shocked I was on my own 😁

Did anyone else find similar happened and just feel really fine about it? Just so as not to drip feed I couldn't have a home birth due to complications with fibroids and multiple miscarriages and I didn't have anyone else to ask because of the late notice/new area away from old friends.

Highlove Tue 26-Jul-16 14:21:54

No but I fear I may end up in the same position. Am 38 weeks. Have very little in the way of family/friends nearby. Had a fast labour with DD and DH's work is a 2.5 hour commute. He's trying to work from home as much as he can but they're not hugely flexible. DD's nursery has said they'll take her at short notice if we need...but that relies on birth being between 8 and 6 Monday to Friday. My mum will come at the drop of a hat but she's a 3-4 hour drive away. And has a large gin most evenings so no good to us after about 7pm anyway.

So I'm not help to you - sorry - but am very much worrying about this happening to me.

Highlove Tue 26-Jul-16 14:22:49

Oh and like you a homebirth is off the cards for medical reasons.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Tue 26-Jul-16 14:26:45

Not for subsequent but I did for my first and honestly, if it wouldn't have devastated DP is have done it again for DD2 and later this year for DC3! I get that I'm probably in the minority who enjoyed doing it alone, I think it's because I worry if other people are OK and if they need anything etc that it was nice to just focus on me and what I wanted/needed etc.

I totally get why it wouldn't be great for others though, sorry you didn't have a great experience sad

mouldycheesefan Tue 26-Jul-16 14:30:48

Would you consider a doula?

MrsJoeyMaynard Tue 26-Jul-16 14:34:51

I was alone when having DC1, and it was fine, really. The midwives were all very nice, if they thought it was odd, they didn't let me know they thought that, and when DH finally did appear, they let him onto the ward outside visiting hours to see me.

I could have asked a relative to cone stay with me, but the relative in question would probably have got themselves worked up and added to my stress, so I thought (and still do) that the whole thing would be more relaxing without them.

OutsSelf Tue 26-Jul-16 14:44:22

Yes, I went into labour late evening and my DP stayed with our 2 year old. They came to the hospital at some ridiculous hour of the morning bc said 2 year old woke up and wanted to come. I'd already given birth, and we were dreamily feeding and cuddling when they got there.

I really enjoyed labouring on my own because I preferred being able to concentrate on my experience rather than worrying about DP. Not that I worried about him, particularly, but part of my attention would have been on what was happening to/ for him. He was nice but basically useless during my first birth. Useless because really the only thing that could help would be actually doing some of the birthing.

I loved those special first hours where it was just me and my daughter. I knew that we wouldn't get such quality alone time again for some time. The nurses brought me tea and I basked in my doing-it-alone credentials. Like you, the midwives reacted with concern about me not being accompanied but I was honestly fine with it. When labouring, I was too busy, you know, hanging on, and when my daughter was born I was too busy staring at her to give a shit about anything else.

My DP is more bonded with our daughter than with our son though he saw our son born and not our daughter. He readily admits its because he was hands on and proactive from the moment we brought her home where he was a bit slower off the mark with our son. Obviously he is working hard to rectify that .... minor deficit in the bond with our son but it has always been easier with our daughter for him because he rolled his sleeves up straight away.

I loved the quiet time and the hero badge from the midwives, whose concern I found inexplicable. Really, what use is anyone in the birthing room? I only put up with the midwives because I thought they could help my babies if they needed it. I'd rather have been left on my own in a darkened room tbh. I am quite a private person and only had my partner there because he wanted it the first time round. Now I think birth is too full on to be worrying about what everyone else wants/ prefers so if we have another, I'll be really asserting my preference in this.

SleepFreeZone Wed 27-Jul-16 10:32:13

I have to agree that it hasn't affected my partner's bond with our son at all. He is an amazing dad and dotes on him.

I think from my point of view it was something we shared with our first son and we went through it together. Then we went through absolute hell with three miscarriages and the aftermath, a pretty medicalised pregnancy where I was being scanned weekly at one stage and I dealt with having to inject myself daily and see the consultant alone or with my eldest son in tow. Then I went through the first stages of labour alone downstairs and no one believed I was actually in labour and then when we finally got to the hospital I was alone again as they barred my partner from the ward.

I don't know, the labour itself was fine, as you rightly say you are pretty preoccupied, but afterwards we were then left alone again. In filthy sheets for four hours and I had to beg for tea and toast that was placed too far away for me to even reach as I was attached to a drip. With my first labour me and DP talked about it and he told me what had happened or filled in the blanks. With this one it was much quicker but there is no one to talk to about it, no special shared experience. Although I obviously feel a really special bond with DS2 as I feel we went through so much together from conception to him arriving into the world and he is such a lovely little personality and I'm so lucky to have him. Just wish DP could have been there too sad

OutsSelf Wed 27-Jul-16 13:34:30

It sounds like what is really missing is a full recognition of the enormity of the event and how shit you felt about your care. And if your partner was there, he'd be fully affirming and confirming of that? I'm just guessing, so do feel free to ignore/ correct me? There's something awful in how difficult it is to be really heard and understood. The midwives didn't believe you were in labour, they thought they knew better than you, which I know for me can make you feel so alienated (and slightly worried you are being silly or something). Is it possible that what could really help would be to have someone bear real witness to your experience?

Summersunnysummertime1212 Wed 27-Jul-16 16:42:23

The people who have posted here were happy to birth alone. It sounds like that wasn't your choice or preference so this is different. I think I would feel like you if my partner wasn't able to be with me and wasn't allowed on the ward to see me afterwards. Personally I think the midwives should have made an exception and let your DH in for at least a few mins. Plus it sounds like you didn't get good aftercare so you could really have done with his help. My DH had to go to work for the morning while I was still in hospital. I really wished he was with me helping me and looking after us and I didn't even have any phone signal to call him. So I'm not surprised you feel this way about him not being with you after the birth

elliejjtiny Thu 04-Aug-16 02:59:27

Not for the birth itself but he had to dash off soon afterwards when ds5 was born. We were in for 8 days after the birth including 2 days in HDU (me) and 5 days in NICU (ds). DH came every day for about 10 minutes and the inlaws came once very briefly but the rest of the time I was on my own. I felt really pathetic, especially when I was in HDU.

sycamore54321 Thu 04-Aug-16 03:22:25

I am contemplating this situation as we now live a seven-hour flight from our families and my due date is Christmas Eve. Most of our friends here are likely to travel for Christmas and so I can't really ask them to have my two-year old.

I personally would be happy to go for it alone but I fear my husband would feel like he missed out. I am considering a possible elective section for other reasons (blood clotting disorder which means I would not be permitted an epidural if I went into labour within 12 hours of my daily medication) and I would be lying if I didn't say the foreseeability of a planned section wouldn't be a massive help for arranging childcare. I've also gotten more conservative since my first birth about the level of risks of VB that I would be comfortable with.

So I'd be interested to hear how the husbands/partners of those who gave birth alone felt about it all.

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