Birth
Firstly this is really long, so greatly appreciate anyone taking the time to wade through. I did post on the topic a few months back in less detail, so apologies for the repetitive element - but I really want some help! In a nutshell my first pregnancy ended in April last year when I delivered our DD at 20 weeks at home. The pregnancy had involved a lot of scary moments and bleeding throughout. I went to two local A&E units the day I lost her, having contractions (first pregnancy as I wasn't sure at the time what was happening) and was turned away as cervix was closed, only for her to arrive a few short hours later. I am now pregnant again, currently 36 weeks (consultant led although no explanation found for what happened with DD1) and due another DD - almost exactly one year on (lost DD1 on 26/4, DD2 due 25/4, which is also unhelpful).
My main fears relate to the previous pregnancy, although I know so far this pregnancy has been very different. I've been having counselling for the last 6 months relating to the bereavement and the trauma I encountered. However the entire pregnancy has been a very anxious time for me, and I find I am constantly having to fight negative thoughts about the outcome. I basically feel terrified each day that something will go wrong and this baby will not survive. As a result of months of feeling this way, I know feel desperate for an end point, and some element of control over the delivery. I am very keen to reduce and chances of distress or problems occurring during the labour as I feel I am emotionally unable to deal with anything other then a straightforward situation. This in itself is very stressful for me as I understand things cannot be controlled in this fashion. My fear throughout the pregnancy has been that my body will once again inexplicably fail me, and the baby will come to early and not survive, so have spent the last few months willing her to stay put. Now I am reaching full term, and whilst I know she is ok, I want her out as quickly and safely as possible, before something has the opportunity to go wrong. Because of this and because of her expected size (measuring 95th centile) and problems this could result in for an overdue delivery I am keen not to go over due.
I spoke to registrar before about the option of an induction if I reach my due date and don't naturally go into labour before then. I like the idea of this in the sense I won't go overdue, and can have a date booked in and therefore an end date in my mind (which seems important for psychologically surviving these last few weeks). This also helps with the trauma I feel relating to actually labouring, and this will be undertaken exclusively within the hospital. My concerns however are that the induction is more likely to lead to a baby in distress, interventions or a emcs.
My concerns relating to a natural spontaneous labour are as follows:
- I delivered previous baby at home, alone, with no pain relief - after being sent away from two hospitals with 'stretching pain'. The experience was hugely traumatic and life changing for me. Despite 6 months of specialised counselling I still feel very scared and anxious about going into labour and have a huge fear of not being able to make it to hospital and delivering at home and something going very wrong.
- I am very scared of going overdue and encountering problems relating to that and/or her size
- The complete lack of control over the situation is unsettling given the circumstance. I have no idea when I might go into labour or how this might work, I am very keen to avoid any situation where the baby becomes distressed. I appreciate that how a labour will go is basically luck and can't be predicted.
Regardless of the above I know that a natural spontaneous labour has a decent chance of being the best and safest situation for me and the baby, and that I have no reason to believe I won't have a straightforward, easy labour & delivery.
The last alternative as I understand it would be an elcs, which is what I am swaying heavily towards at present. I have read extensively about this and from egg I understand the risks of an elcs to the baby and a spontaneous natural labour are at a very similar level. The obvious downside is the recovery time as I appreciate this is a major operation. The elcs would offer me control in that I would have a specific date to work towards and takes away the concerns of a interventions which which could happen with an induction. I feel it's the safest way and offers the highest odds from this external position that the baby will arrive safely and in a non-traumatic way. I do appreciate that not all operations go smoothly and I could be one of the unlucky ones in that sense. I feel in some senses that I would be failing by having a elcs, and that I should be psychologically strong enough to push through for natural labour.
Right, this is basically the huge rambling circle my brain is doing re birth. I would REALLY appreciate any guidance here as I just feel at a loss as to what to do for the best. My DH is pushing for a natural labour as he wants me to avoid surgery. I understand that if I do decide to push for a elcs I need to be reasonably forceful in my choice, and I just don't feel I have enough conviction one way or another at present. My counsellor thinks I should go for the elcs and has totally validated my feelings but in her absence over the last week I have once again become unsure. Urgh.
I tried to make a midwife appointment to discuss options but they are totally booked up and not very helpful. I have a consultant appointment Wednesday (although may end up being with the registrar when I get to here) and I would really like to have a constructive conversation about it then, but at the moment feel like a total flake.
