Sorry it's long. Trying not to drip-feed.
Been with DH 10 years, married 5. I think we would have started ttc several years ago, if it hadn't been for my MH issues (nothing exciting, depression and anxiety disorder). After a few years of meds and CBT, I've come out of the depression. I'm still seeing a counsellor who helps me keep my head on straight and talk out things I don't feel able to discuss elsewhere.
I wanted kids pretty much as soon as we were married (28 then, 33 now) but we kept putting it off because:
- I hoped I'd get to a more stable point in my career. At least partly thanks to the MH issues, I didn't/haven't. In fact, career has gone pretty steadily downhill. But am now starting to realise that if we wait any longer, we may not have the opportunity.
- I wasn't well enough to look after myself, let alone a baby.
- Even though I am now recovered, I still worry - and I know my DH does too - that I will get ill again.
- I think, due to recent history, I'm pretty much guaranteed PND. Coming through depression was so fucking hard last time I cannot begin to imagine how I will do it while caring for a baby, and feel so guilty for putting my DH through it too
It is the birth that really frightens me.
- I don't know anyone who hasn't been traumatised by their experiences. In several cases their birth directly contributed to their PND.
- My sisters both suffered birth injuries that required surgical repair. Several years on from having my DNs they cannot do the sports that they used to.
Sport was a major part in my recovery from depression last time. It's one particular sport that is not terribly easy to learn. I attend 4x a week and it's made a huge difference to my mental state. I am absolutely terrified that I will suffer an injury in childbirth that will make me unable to participate and wreck my chances of getting over any future depression and overall ruin my quality of life.
I think I'd want a c-section, but I don't know whether that would be possible. I know the NICE guidelines state that a woman should be able to get one on request but I don't know if my PCT follows that rule or not - the most up-to-date info I could get from my local area said they only did c-section for medical need but that was dated 2010.
I know a c-section has a longer recovery time - but I would much, much rather know in advance that recovery was going to be 12 weeks, and then I would be OK, than be told "You'll probably be fine" and then eventually figure out I'll never be able to do my sport again.
I've read back through what I've typed. I hope it makes sense. I know I sound bonkers but I thought it was probably better to sound bonkers on an anonymous forum than sound bonkers to HCPs if I do get pg. I worry a lot that they won't take me seriously.