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Childbirth

Think I've changed my mind on the home birth

21 replies

NoPityRequired · 18/08/2015 16:49

I'm supposed to be booking a home birth but at the moment I feel like I don't have enough or the right support to go through with it. My husband is being utterly useless. I've tried talking to him about it, telling him what I need, telling him the support he could be offering me but it's not sinking in.

I understand that men sometimes feel a bit useless when it comes to the big event and they see their partner in pain but I've been in pain for weeks with spd and sciatica, I can barely walk 100 yards and I can't even get him to lift a finger around the house. I've asked him if he has concerns or is worried about it but he says no. He says he wants the home birth but will not help me.

Should I just face it that I'm going to have to go to the hospital to have this baby on my own?

I don't have a mum, or any close friends, I can't afford a doula either. This isn't my first baby so I know what I'm doing, and if I go alone he can watch the children.

Sorry for the rambling, I wasn't sure where to post this anyway. I just feel a bit..let down.

OP posts:

Report

DayLillie · 18/08/2015 16:59

We used to have a MLU where you could stay for a few days - that sound ideal for you!
I would ask the midwife if that is possible.

NoPityRequired · 18/08/2015 17:13

I'd normally agree but we don't have one at our local hospital. The closest is about 15 miles away and I can't drive.

It's a horrible situation. I feel very low.

OP posts:

YeOldeTrout · 18/08/2015 17:16

What does he see as his role in supporting the family?

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/08/2015 17:20

Having had both a hospital and a home Birth I can honestly say that in a hospital you are unlikely to get any "support" there either and be far less comfortable.

In your own home you get two midwives who are there for you and not checking on other people.

your husband sounds useless but he will also be all you have in hospital in the periods they haven't sent him home anyway.

NoPityRequired · 18/08/2015 17:21

Going to work. I think that sums it up. I'm a sahm.

He makes all the right noises but is flakey with helping me out, giving me a break etc, he'll have an initial burst of activity but a permanent change never materialises.

I think I've rather stupidly relied on him supporting me as a birth partner for the home birth.

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/08/2015 17:25

Can you not rope in a friend or family member?

my hospital birth I was barely spoken to, staff relied on the tracer to decide if I was worth checking on and dp got sent home. if you want someone there the whole time your better off staying home and having your friend there if that's possible babies aren't always sociable with their hours and if you go in early and not within visiting hours you could find your support sent home

NoPityRequired · 18/08/2015 17:27

I really don't have any friends or family to help out.

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NoPityRequired · 18/08/2015 17:29

I feel like it will be very stressful with him there though. Being unsupportive and pissing me and the midwives off.

Sorry if it sounds like I'm being awkward. Just a bit lost as to what to do really.

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YeOldeTrout · 18/08/2015 17:36

Wait, so who does his laundry, cooks his meals, cleans his bog, renews his car insurance or mows his lawn? Tell me he does something around the home?!

GothicRainbow · 18/08/2015 17:39

Can you afford to hire a Doula? They would be your birth partner for the birth and used to home births so would be able to provide you with help and advice in the run up.

NoPityRequired · 18/08/2015 17:45

Trout, ashamed to admit that that would be me.

No he really doesn't do very much if I'm brutally honest. He will mow the lawn. Anything else, I do, unless I make a point of specifically asking him, then he will sometimes do it if I nag him about it. Eg, if I say I'm going to bed would he mind washing those last few dishes, more often than not he'll 'forget' or would you feed the cats in the morning as you go out the door, he'll 'forget'.
If I've nagged him on the subject, he might remember to clean the toilet after he's used it.

He's also rubbish at diy, so I do most of that too with him 'assisting'.
"pass me that spanner/drill/wallpaper dear"

I know I'm being taken the piss out of. I just don't know how to make it sink in.

I'm doing all the prep for the baby and the home birth. Will a trip to hospital give me a rest?!

OP posts:

NoPityRequired · 18/08/2015 17:46

I can't afford a doula service Gothic.

There is one locally to us but its £700. That money I just don't have spare I'm afraid.

OP posts:

cansu · 18/08/2015 17:56

I would book for the hospital and would also consider asking midwife whether they can support you in labour as your husband is not able to. I took dp with me to hospital and he was pretty useless, having to go out of room as he couldn't cope. I was glad to see the back of him as he was making me feel more stressed. However, once he had gone the midwife saw it as totally her role to support me and the birth went fine. They may have a student midwife who could support you. He is obviously an arse but that isn't the most important issue for you now. Focus instead on making sure that you will get the right support whilst in hospital.

NoPityRequired · 18/08/2015 18:07

Thank you cansu, I had no idea the midwives can support you in that way. I will have a word with my midwife about it.

OP posts:

lilygirl81 · 19/08/2015 13:13

Nopity I know that some of the doula's in my area say to contact them even if you can't afford it, as they will try their best to be able to help you. I'm not sure if you would qualify, but there is also a Doula Access Fund doula.org.uk/content/doula-access-fund

I really hope you find a way to get the support you need and deserve. I know you said you don't have any close friends, but do you have anyone you can talk to about your worries? If they are not near by, they might consider coming to visit you and help you through it if they realise how much you would value it

CerseiLannistersEyebrow · 19/08/2015 13:40

I had a wonderful hospital birth with a lot of support so not everyone has that experience. I had a midwife with me at almost all times, putting flannels on my head, chatting to me, giving me water. They were fantastic.

farfallarocks · 19/08/2015 15:24

Goodness it sounds like your problems with DH stretch well beyond birth!
You can request that a midwife is your birth partner, can you ask to speak to the supervisor of midwives and explain the situation. Under the circumstances I would go to hospital and ask useless to stay at home

Topsy34 · 21/08/2015 21:47

I would still get in touch with local doulas, as lily said.

I think your main benefit with a home birth is 2 mw there all the time, you could speak to your mw, explain how you feel and see if they can help. I had a trainee mw as well as the 2 trained, and she was really sweet and dh had to tell her to stop fussing in the end as i was fine, or some have maternity care assistants, not sure if they attend home birth

Lilipot15 · 21/08/2015 22:00

I had a student midwife assisting with my one of my deliveries - she was fantastic and really "looked after" me as well as doing the midwife bits. She really helped afterwards too. DH was helpful but I missed my student second time round.
There may not be a student available on every shift but worth asking about.
Re the home birth - who would do all the prep and tidying up afterwards....I hope it wouldn't be you!

Vijac · 21/08/2015 22:30

I agree that you get more help at a home birth as you have two experienced midwives there the whole time. As opposed to one there some of the time. My husband set up the birthing pool it other than that I didn't really need him (except just to be there iyswim)

puddymuddles · 21/08/2015 22:35

He sounds useless about the house and should do more.

I had a home birth for third baby recently and I just had the midwives as husband was in another room looking after the other two DC. So I think for me the midwives were enough support. They were great and as this is not your first baby you know what to do anyway!

Hope he gets his act together re helping you out in the house when baby born.

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