My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Childbirth

Anyone else survived a 3rd/4th degree tear and still feel sad and angry over the whole thing?

32 replies

sksk · 29/12/2014 20:36

Just wondering, I still get upset and angry over it. I still have some small issues. I am not incontinent apart form wind occasionally, some faecal urgency and the wiping issue. It is almost 17 months since I had my baby, my first. Does anyone else still harbour anger and feel upset? I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself! Hoping to get all the nasty feelings out before 2015!

OP posts:
Report
Iggly · 29/12/2014 20:39

Have you seen a consultant? I was referred after my third degree tear for a check up. I felt ruined for a long time afterwards but had a second DC after 2 years and only had a 2nd degree.

It helped knowing how it happened (ds had his elbow by his face and I was pushing for two hours) but I think having dd helped me.

Although over five years I'm still not happy with my body post births.

Report
SmileAndNod · 29/12/2014 20:45

I do a bit. I missed the first two hours of my baby's life due to being in theatre, that precious bonding time that I'll never get back. In angry about that, and it definitely contributed to my PND first time around. I still had issues with the tear, and more importantly the separation when my next baby was born.

Physically it took a while to get back on track, but nothing like as long as it has taken me emotionally.

Please ask for some help, especially if you are thinking of having another. It marred (for me) what should have been a brilliant happy time.

Report
SmileAndNod · 29/12/2014 20:48

^^ agree with the post birth body issues too. I feel like I am broken, and completely ruined body wise. But three babies in five years can do that I guessSad

Report
thomasstockmann · 30/12/2014 00:58

I suffered what I would call a pelvic floor collapse. Diagnosed unrepaired 3b tear which was later reviewed to unrepaired 2d degree as well as epi and succession of instruments used and massive PPH (so in theatre too instead of holding my baby). So faecal incontinent and prolapse (and excruciating coccyx pain for months on end).
Yes I felt angry. I wasn't too sure why but I did. What helped was talking through what had happened again and again. Hopefully posting your thread will already help you.
I found looking at what was in my control and what was not, helpful. After a while, apart from posting on MN, I stopped feeling the need to talk. Now I just say I suffered serious injuries and that's it. Soon I hope I'll also stop chatting on MN in middle of the night because of cold that's keeping me awake Biscuit

Report
skitter · 30/12/2014 02:42

I got a 3c tear when ds1 was delivered. He was a ventouse delivery and the episiotomy extended into the 3c tear. I still feel angry four years later that I missed the first hours of his life as I was in theatre being repaired. And I feel angry that the obstetrician wasn't careful enough to help me avoid this situation (obviously I don't know it could be avoided... I'm not a doctor or midwife...but I've since moved abroad and the obstetricians I've seen here for my current pregnancy are pretty unimpressed that it happened and have told me it really shouldn't have). I did however have a thorough postnatal review which helped and had various tests which showed the extent of the damage. I'm luckily free of symptoms but am having a c-section this time as I'm not comfortable with the small risk of it happening again. I'm a bit angry that I don't feel confident enough to have a natural birth again (and I was strongly advised by the Obs in the UK and here to avoid a natural delivery in future as it was so bad, so I don't really want a natural birth anymore!). I've found talking to a perinatal mental health midwife helpful. It's hard when friends expecting their first baby ask about my delivery...I don't want to lie but telling the truth would horrify them!

Report
FlossieTreadlight · 30/12/2014 03:16

Short answer is yes, although I did find doing birth stories v helpful. I described the experience as feeling raped ( not wishing for a sec to minimise those who have experienced this) - hurt, horrified, out of control with my own body, ashamed, mistrustful, wounded, unheard, should just get on with it, disconnected from own body, unable to have fulfilling sexual relationship for many many months. Like a PP I've been left upset that I felt that my only choice for dc2 was an ELCS. I had some great physio but I can't hold my wind in and my pelvic floor isn't amazing. This has left me feeling rubbish. I was also upset for such a long time (still am) that I couldn't see my daughter for 3 hours post birth due to surgery. The difference in bonding with dc2 is so different...

Sorry this is slightly rambly it's something I struggle to articulate

Report
sksk · 30/12/2014 17:14

How awful we all still feel this way! I can relate to the separation issues you've all described. I have no idea why I tore and am interested in what the person who said about in other countries they are appalled at 3rd/4th tears: my parents are medics and were absolutely horrified. Neither of them in their entire careers caused a 3rd/4th degree tear in the ladies they delivered! I saw a counsellor but I don't think it helped much. I will see the physiotherapist (though no active treatment, just keep doing the pelvic floor exercises) and the consultant again in the new year.
I find it difficult to articulate too, it's just so much- the birth, the tear, the breastfeeding problems, the pain, the healing and infections, the stitches, the lack of information and support, the hospital appointments.......sigh!

OP posts:
Report
Innocuoususername · 30/12/2014 17:38

I have similar issues to you OP after a 3c tear with DC1. I still feel sad that I missed those early hours, that feeding was harder than it needed to be (effects of blood transfusion) and that it took 5 months to recover.

But I can't get that time back, and there's no sense dwelling on that. I have rehashed what could have been done differently, and come to the conclusion that I did my best under the circumstances, as did my medical team. I feel lucky in a way that I have recovered bar some small issues, and that DC1 was delivered without any harm to him. I was fortunate to have good follow up care from my hospital though, and it does make me angry that care for birth injuries is so patchy.

I have since had DC2 by ELCS, and I found that birth incredibly healing. It was beautiful and calm, everything that my first labour was not! Not necessarily suggesting another baby is the solution though Smile I only felt ready to start trying at about 18mo, the thought horrified me before that.

Report
Innocuoususername · 30/12/2014 17:45

Also, as I always say on threads about this, I think it's a shame this is not talked about more. It is a horrible shock to many women that their bodies can be damaged in this way. I think a lot of the feelings of shame, disgust etc could be reduced if it was discussed more. I have been known to overshare in the pursuit of this cause Grin

Report
DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 30/12/2014 17:47

I don't harbour anger, nor did I feel upset. I didn't even feel any sadness at missing the first 2 hours of DS1s life - I was pretty shell shocked anyway so there was better bonding time later and he spent that time with his father. I don't feel any differently about him/his birth than I do about DS2 or DD.

He is 16 now and all that is completely irrelevant :)

Report
thomasstockmann · 30/12/2014 19:14

I very much relate to what VertdeTerre says. I think there is a general lack of awareness of serious obstetric injuries and because of that some people (including some healthcare professionals) keep talking as if our birth experiences were average and that all mothers go through this. All mothers experience some form of trauma. But depending on the level of trauma and recovery/rehabilitation (I keep saying this to surgeons- I am going through rehabilitation, not recovery) the emotional impact will be very different.
Psychologically, I know from family and friends' experiences that ANY birth can be traumatic. Physically however there is in my view a difference between not being referred to urogyneacology and colorectal departments and being referred there and spending the first year of your baby's life in and out of hospital.
At around three months postpartum (and after uncovering the horror of my injuries) I felt very angry. I felt I had been assaulted and that my body had been mutilated. My anger also seemed to focus on celebrities coming out of hospital, posing for photos and miraculously walking well. ALL women on maternity wards either walk like cowboys (vaginal birth) or slouching forward and moving very slowly (c-section).
As well as talking (a lot), I felt a strong need to do something positive. So I spent some time writing to websites and organisations to try to make them talk about obstetric injuries. It's probably not changed things a great deal but I felt I had to do something.
Not sure why I'm writing all this. I suppose I hope you will feel validated in your experiences and emotions. I do feel for you and hope some resolution will come. Smile

Report
Blondiemama · 31/12/2014 00:07

Thank you so much for posting this OP. I had 3b tear 8 months ago now and everyday I'm still angry and still suffering the consequences.
Like Vert said really well, this is something which certainly the majority of my GPs don't know how to deal with and it's not spoken about and treated with the attention that it needs.
I think I feel more angry because I asked for a c-section (fr health reasons) and was brushed off and pooh poohed and actually if I'd had one I wouldn't have half the problems and feel as violated and disgusting as I do now.

Report
MrsN1984 · 31/12/2014 08:43

I'm currently going through the hell that is requesting an ELCS. My issues are the current issues/urgency/embarrassment that comes with IBS.
I'm terrified of having a tear that further complicates things.
Been brushed off once already being told that a 'natural' birth is far safer &
that the risk of tearing is so small.
I can't believe the horrors you've all been through - thank you for sharing though as I feel a bit more confident about fighting my case x

Report
babynelly2010 · 31/12/2014 22:32

My situation is a bit different in a sense that is more progressive. In my first birth I had what the called 2nd degree tear borderline going to the theater type injury. They kept me in birth centre with MW stitching, big mistake!
Second birth only small tear but result is prolapsing, I blame first stitching job that soon after came apart. I also had ripped labia that I found for my self after first birth as my lousy MW forgot to inform me about it and write in my notes.
I saw consultant and on my way to recovery through surgery. Talk to someone and get help, you need repair either it is surgical or not, let someone help. I found this a difficult situation to talk about but there are doctors that understand. I wish all the best :)

Report
Tea1Sugar · 01/01/2015 07:54

I had a 3a tear with dd1 4.5 years ago. I then had a wonderful elcs 9 months ago with dd2. That was the mental cure for me- going back into theatre but this time for the best reason.

Report
middlings · 01/01/2015 19:51

I had a 3a tear with DD1 who, it turned out was a compound presentation. She was delivered (despite my requests to the contrary) by a very nice first year student who did nothing to prevent it happening. The roar out of me as I tore must have been heard by half of London.

I delivered her on gas and air, ended up in theatre on a spinal. I delivered at 1am and made it to the ward at 4.30. The one good thing that happened was that the qualified midwife who was present did not leave my side until she was latching well - a factor that I'm convinced set us up successfully for EBF.

But...I was left on the ward with her naked other than a blanket on me. I was still in the gown I'd been to theatre in with a pad wedged between my legs and I was there until 9 in the morning when an HCA helped me. The ward failed to make the requisite physio or consultant follow up appts and I had to chase them myself when a friend who had the same injury a week earlier told me she'd had hers.

Also, DD1 was the result of a fourth cycle of IVF. She was much wanted and I was a wreck for the three weeks after she was born. I told my mother on day three that if someone came and took her I wouldn't mind and God forgive me, I meant it. I think the only thing that got me through those days was the fact that mother had always been very honest about the fact that she hadn't instantly loved us - so I put it all down to just being a new mum at the time. Dd2 (natural conception) was born 16 months later and I had a small tear that was barely 2nd degree. She didn't sleep for the first six months, and clearly I had two tinies, so didn't think about much else.

She's now 15 months and DD1 is 2.5 and it's only in the last few weeks that I've started to think about it and man, am I angry. I'm fucking furious. Dd1 and I bonded beautifully but I'll never get those three weeks back. I'll never forget the look on DH's face as I sobbed that I would try to learn to love her. I'll never forget the pain of having to crawl up the stairs at the end of day 10 and not being able to stand for long enough to change her nappy because I'd been for a stroll in the park.

No-one, not a midwife, a GP, or a consultant ever talked to me about it. They all hid from it and minimised it.
I'm incredibly lucky - I have a bit of faecal urgency but no other problems and my pelvic floor is good other than that (and if I'm honest, I've never been great in the number two area!).

But yes, I'm angry.

Report
middlings · 01/01/2015 19:52

Shit, that was long! Sorry Sad

But it was incredibly cathartic. It's the first time I've written it down.

Report
leaw100 · 20/01/2015 21:35

I feel such a huge sense of relief that I have found this thread. I suffered a 3rd degree tear 20months ago and I am still very much coming to terms with it. My DD was born within 7 hours and I had a relatively calm birth in the pool. I never found out why I tore but I think it was due to me pushing too hard and her being on the larger side. I will never forget the shock and pain I felt afterwards. I was taken into theatre, told whilst lying there that I could be incontinent and then left on a ward (my husband was asked to leave as in the middle of the night) unable to move, unaware of how to feed and emotionally drained. That first night I spent on my own will haunt me forever.
I have since had scar tissue removed (my tear had over healed itself) and have only just started having sex again, nearly 2 years on. I have met the most amazing nurse in my village surgery who has examined me on many occasions, telling me I'm fine. I would encourage anyone who has been through this to talk to someone.
I have felt extremely angry and so upset that I will never feel able to have a natural birth again. I also beat myself up regularly about not being able to spend those first precious hours with my DD. I know she will never know but it is something that I will never forget. Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts. It's been a long time. X

Report
FromagePlease · 21/01/2015 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FromagePlease · 21/01/2015 11:27

Sorry, long but cathartic

Report
sycamore54321 · 21/01/2015 12:43

FromagePlease, I have not experienced the injuries you suffered but I am so very sorry to hear how awfully you have been treated. Your post makes me worry for you, I know how difficult it can be to find help and support but please keep looking. You shouldn't have to, it should be there for you but please keep on asking until you find the support and healing you need. Suicidal thoughts are very dangerous so please please get help.

Report
5madthings · 21/01/2015 12:56

Echoing sycamore please find someone in rl to talk to fromage perhaps one of the birth charities that deal with birth trauma etc? Are you being seen/treated by a gp for pnd/depression?

And you don't have to have another baby if you don't want to.

Please look after yourself fromage xxxx

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

FromagePlease · 21/01/2015 13:01

Thank you. I am pretty much fine now, just worried about it happening again. Writing it all out was good.

Maybe we should start a support-group - "3 and 4th degree tears and angry" Smile

It's just so unfair isn't it - not that life is fair but if it were possible I'd have a good old feet stamp about the hand that I've been dealt

Report
RowanMumsnet · 21/01/2015 13:05

Hello FromagePlease

We’re so sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this.

We’re very sorry to say we don’t allow posts like this on Mumsnet, so we’re going to delete it now.

Please contact the Samaritans, by emailing [email protected] or calling 08457 90 90 90. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide here.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

Report
FromagePlease · 21/01/2015 13:30

Why are you deleting my post? I hope the thread can stay.

Sorry if I have offended anyone. I really didn't mean to.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.