Babys first visitors---am I being unreasonable??(22 Posts)
My baby is due in 13 weeks. It is my first baby and I am having a home birth but obviously know there is a chance I may end up in hospital. I have just told my husband that I would like 24hrs after birth to recover and feel up to having visitors (obviously this is if labour and birth is straight forward). Tbh if I do end up in hosp I probs won't want any visitors until
I am home! My hubby thinks it's unfair to make his parents wait but I feel if they have waited this long they can wait another24hrs just so I can feel more human. They only live five mins away so if I change my mind at the time all we have to do is call. I'm not Having any other visitors as my parents are coming over from America about two weeks after he is born so his parents will be the first...is 24hrs too long??? I feel not!
YANBU totally justified. No matter where and how you give birth you will me a mess, exhausted, emotional and falling in love!
You won't want to share and you'll be getting to grips with feeding and being a mum. I also doubt you dh will be ready either!
As you will have done the hard work, you need to stand your ground!
hope that helps x
Thank you! He is so lovely and understanding but think he is just so excited about showing off baby forgetting the ordeal I will and have been going through for the past nine months! Like I said his parents will be the first people other than us to meet him so they are still a priority! Xx
If that's how you feel, then that's how you feel - it's not a case of BU or not.
As you say, you can always change your mind later - it's very difficult to know how you will feel.
You are definitely not being unreasonable. However straight forward the birth is you will be exhausted. Also, personally, with both my babies I found the first 24 hours a magical time when all I wanted to do was snuggle and stare at them!
It depends whether you see this baby as 'yours' or an integral part of a bigger picture eg the family. I wouldn't dream of denying my in laws or close family the magical chance to see and hold the newest member of their family. Set the ground rules - so short visit etc and get your husband to
Police it... But share the joy and revel in your in laws proud faces
Just play it by ear and see how you feel.
I liked my in laws visiting after my first was born as I was desperate to show the baby off to someone! My MIL indulged my need perfectly as she cried when she saw DD for the first time.
Ps I'm just about to give birth to
My fourth but each baby previously has been visited within hours by various close family and friends... Never anything but supportive loving experiences
I should add they were there when I got back with DS as they were looking after DD and I was pleased they were there as
they made me steak, chips and champagne I knew DD was being well cared for.
I didn't have any visitors or the first dy as I had an elcs and didn't get on a ward till 8 at night after having baby in the morning. If I was on the ward earlier I still wouldn't have wanted any visitors. I would have loved a home birth and would have still done the same with visitors I think.
Yanbu but if you change your mind, they are 5 mins a way, they can come round for a short period then leave.
Thanks. Exactly I might be dying to show him off and have them
Over straight away...but I feel best to say give me 24hrs before hand so they arent disappointed when he arrives x
24 hours is nothing to make people wait.
Bear in mind that there is a significant chance you will have missed at least one night of sleep, possibly two, 24 hours to recover and regroup is very, very sensible. As you say, if you feel up to a short visit you can always call them.
I wouldn't even tell them to expect to visit after 24hrs to be honest - you might not feel like having visitors yet even then. Just tell them that you'll let them know when the baby is born and when you're feeling up to having visitors they'll be the first to know. If it's sooner than you think then great, but if not then you won't then have to keep putting them off if nothing has been arranged in the first place, IYSWIM.
I'd say wait and see, no plans are set in stone.
It sounds like the in laws will be the first to see the new baby anyway, so even if it's 24 hours later there's no difference.
Before giving birth I was quite open to the idea of visitors but once the baby arrived I told DH I only really wanted family- the post natal ward was a nightmare, no chance of sleep, other ladies in the bay seemed to have a constant stream of visitors plus I was in a lot of discomfort.
DH had a few friends/ex work colleagues who were desperate to come to meet the baby but I said no- I didn't feel great, plus I didn't want everyone holding my/our baby!
In the end it was only family that visited in the hospital, others came to visit at home & it was perfectly fine.
Totally up to you, your husband needs to support your decision.
Your post made me smile as a few months ago I posted almost exactly the same thing. Saying I didn't want visitors for 24 hours minimum and that in reality I might not want anyone to visit until I was home. I was having an elective CS so told DH there's no way I'd want to have visitors whilst I'm numb,on drips, catheterised, trying to recover the operation etc etc and it was obvious how disappointed he was about delaying visitors.
However, fast forward to the day of the CS and once my baby had arrived I felt so elated, excited and in love with him that I wanted everyone to met him. I wanted everyone to be part of the enjoyment and magic of it all, in fact seeing everyone else cuddling the baby and getting emotional just made the whole thing even more special. I had 8 visitors that first day, despite not coming out of recovery until 5 hours before visiting time.
Looking back now I smile to myself about how rigid I was about visitors and how adamant I was that I wanted it to just be me, DH and the baby, because it all went completely out the window when baby arrived. I wanted everyone to be a part of it.
Definitely voice what you want but be prepared to have a COMPLETE change of heart
I think it's fair enough to say you may be feeling overwhelmed so will let them know when to come and it may well NOT be the day baby arrives. However keep an open mind. You child is not your property. He becomes part of your family and there is something amazing about showing your own parents your own child.
I had my DS at 12pm but due to complications wasn't moved from delivery until 8pm so didn't get any visitors (other than DH) until grandparents' visiting time at 2pm. Just to let you know that visitors within the first 24 hours might not even be possible (my sister was turned away from trying to see me when I was still in the delivery suite - this was not a bad thing, I was in no state to see anyone). Why don't you just say you will be in contact when you feel ready for visitors?
It depends on the time of day you have it. You will want it to your self initially as much to get feeding started etc.
YANBU at all. My in laws visited in hospital 12 hours after I'd given birth. I'd had two hours sleep, a hastily speeded up drip induction without epidural, a second degree tear verging on third degree that required two hours of stitching, severe anaemia that meant every time I stood up I fainted or came close and bleeding heavily... his ILs turned up, sat around the bed and it felt like they were waiting for me to get up and go for a walk so they could sit down with their son and granddaughter. They're lovely usually but I felt like an intruder on 'their' moment, in hospital!
I'd imagine that at home it could be worse because you don't have the excuse of the end of visiting hours so they have to leave to give you a break. I underestimated just how rough I'd feel after giving birth and I think I should've waited a little longer for visitors - I even forced myself out of pyjamas and into uncomfortable jeans and a top to look 'presentable'. My biggest tip of all would be to keep your PJs on. Don't bother changing.
I'm with the YANBU camp. I'm due in three weeks, and DH has decided (without prompting) that I get to decide who visits and when. He has said that if this means he doesn't tell his parents the baby has arrived until three weeks after the event, then so be it. This may sound extreme, but they have made worrying comments about packing suitcases and getting in the car as soon as they find out things are starting (they live on the other side of the country).
He is worried that I will do similar to moomin - force myself to be hospitable when all I want to do is have time just the three of us, without the pressure of visitors.
His primary concern is me and the baby - he has taken on board that this is something major and, as lovely as it is for the extended family, the most important people are the three of us.
I think you need to have a very honest discussion about how you feel, including talking about the various possibilities birth could entail and how that could effect your position on visitors.
As far as it being unfair to make his parents wait - having to wait a bit does not make it any less special. You have said they will still be the first visitors - that makes it even more special for them, so waiting until you are ready should not be an issue for either your DH or them.
When you are talking to your DH be very clear about your reasons and try to be honest about the relationship you have with his parents. I love my inlaws, but I find it difficult to be as direct with them as I can be with my own parents, which is why I was nervous about them visiting. As it happened, they came over with a couple of meals and a cake, made me a cup of tea, cleaned the kitchen, hugged the baby and left after less than an hour. They were also quick to leave me alone when I wanted to bf - not because they were embarrased, but because they understood I was still trying to work it out and needed space to concentrate.
Second time around, having had to feed DD every hour through the night, my mum came in during visiting hours and sat next to my bed holding DD while I slept. It was fantastic for me and she says it felt magical.
It may be more constructive to establish boundaries and guidelines - a five minute visit after 12 hours would probably be much better than a four hour visit after 24 hours. Think about what jobs it would be useful for them to do and what you don't want them interfering with, and work out some code words/phrases that you can use to make sure your DH gets rid of any visitors when you want.
yanbu. My in laws were my first visitors 72 hrs after giving birth and looking back now that was still too soon for me for various reasons. You decide what is best for you as it is such an overwhelming and personal time.
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