Trying to make sense of what should have been a very easy birth

(72 Posts)
zinher Sun 09-Feb-14 19:33:09

I had been having clear show and mild pains all day yesterday. I was managing quite well with them using the gym ball. From the evening the shoe got more and more bloody and the contractions were getting quite severe concentrating in my back. I called the hospital and they said to come in. As soon as I reached the hospital the midwife put me on the ctg as I hadn't felt the baby move much during labour. She was so cold didn't smile at all, kept telling me to stay still or she would have to attach electrodes to baby's head. By this time I was in severe pain and staying on my back was killing me. I tried gas and air but it made me dizzy and so loopy. She examined me and found I was 6 cm dilated with membranes still intact. I had planned for a water birth and had visions of active labour and to be honest I felt I had managed it quite well at home.

I asked for epidural as I felt someone was stabbing me in the back. Even before the epidural was put in and within 2 hrs of being in hospital I felt like passing huge stools, I told the midwife and she said that feeling would pass. I had the epidural and then ARM and they put electrodes on baby's head which showed deceleration and I was 10 cm dilated and could still feel the urge to go to the toilet which I think was the urge to push.

After the epidural my BP dropped as well. The registrar came in and suggested a c-sec as the baby was still very high in the canal and they were having deceleration. Cue a very rushed and traumatic section as baby's head was very well engaged and she was lying in a very awkward position so I have a huge scar.

I know at the end of the day I am very lucky to have a healthy baby but I feel like I let myself and my body down by asking for an epidural in transition as labour upto then had been a breeze. Feel like a proper wimp.

zinher Sun 09-Feb-14 19:37:33

The real bad part of labour was only 1 hr so feel gutted I didn't give myself a chance a normal birth as my body was doing it beautifully

mammamiaaaaa Sun 09-Feb-14 19:38:40

I don't know what to say about the specifics but please just focus on the fact you did your very best under very painful circumstances and none of us have a crystal ball in these situations so don't know what will lead on from one thing to the next. Just focus on that healthy baby and healthy outcome. Congrats!

zinher Sun 09-Feb-14 19:41:45

I am trying mamma, dsnt help people saying oh you shd have had a higher threshold for pain. And it was labour what did you expect? Keep thinking if I had only held on for an hour longer

Ragwort Sun 09-Feb-14 19:44:15

I am sorry I can't understand your feelings - you have just given birth to a lovely baby daughter and you are worried about the 'specifics' of labour? Please, please don't focus on this, concentrate on your lovely little girl.

I had an EMCS - so what - my baby was in considerable distress and I was told that we both would have died if I'd insisted on a vaginal birth - I have never, ever given it a second's thought after the event.

Congratulations - tell us more about your daughter.

Ragwort Sun 09-Feb-14 19:47:30

Who is saying this - you only gave birth yesterday shock - if 'people' are saying this to you they certainly aren't friends of your's.

I cannot believe people comment on 'how' you give birth, I thank God that I had my baby 13 years ago before anyone seemed to think it necessary to say anything - and how do they know. Do people really ask 'did you have a natural birth or a CS'.

Not one person commented on the fact I had a CS.

I can't imagine the situation - your DH/DP phones people to give them the good news, surely their first comment isn't 'how did Zinher give birth'? hmm.

It could be that even if you had hung on, you would have still had to have had a CS, who is telling you that you should have had a higher threshold for pain? Ignore them, it's your body, you did your best.

Are you still in hospital? try and relax, get some sleep (after which you will feel better) and enjoy your baby. Congratulations and (very very un-mumsnetly) hugs.

MrsPixieMoo Sun 09-Feb-14 19:51:14

Be happy you have a beautiful, healthy DC. Don't be cruel to yourself over an incision that saves babies and mothers' lives.

mammamiaaaaa Sun 09-Feb-14 19:52:16

I completely understand this as I analysed and picked over the birth of my daughter, despite being so happy and grateful for our ultimately healthy outcome. It is sad though to see women beat themselves up, and I think this has a lot to do with other people throwing their tuppence worth in after the event. And the fact we feel we shpuld have somehow made it 'perfect'. But that doesn't really exist.
It's hard to say and do right now but try just to accept the amazing job you have done for 9 months and getting through the birth and leaving with a healthy baby and focus on being a happy and living mum as ultimately that is all that matters from here on x

mammamiaaaaa Sun 09-Feb-14 19:53:01

Loving mum I mean

ThenAgain Sun 09-Feb-14 19:53:09

It is totally ok to have these feelings. Just because you gave a lovely baby doesn't mean your feelings about having a CS are invalid. How you feel matters.

You did not let yourself down though. You did what you needed to do at the time and it sounds like you didn't have a lot of support or reassurance. I'm so sorry that happened to you, it can make things much harder.

Never feel like it's not ok to feel a certain way though. I found people saying that the most important thing was that you were both healthy very insensitive and unhelpful. It just makes you feel guilty about something you really shouldn't . You really are not alone and so many women struggle to get through these thoughts. I understand and many women do.

Boosiehs Sun 09-Feb-14 19:53:58

Tell anyone who says you should have had a higher pain threshold to go fuck themselves. What a shitty shitty thing to say to a new mum. You've just had a baby! You have done brilliantly. Chill!

ThenAgain Sun 09-Feb-14 19:54:28

Also, it sounds like a traumatic section, be kind to yourself, you did an amazing job. I'm sorry it didn't go the way you wanted it to though. Hugs and hand holding if you want them xxx

Cyclebump Sun 09-Feb-14 20:01:54

You are on a huge hormonal roller coaster, no one should be commenting on your birth or saying anything except 'You look amazing!' to you right now. Sounds like you did really well. Most people do not get back pain in labour, my friends who have had it all had epidurals as it was unbearable.

sisterofcaleb Sun 09-Feb-14 20:04:55

Hey OP, just wanted to let you know that I really identify with what you are saying. I wanted a homebirth, did loads of research on natural birth etc. Ended up being induced it was a horrible medical experience. I felt very out of control and it was so different to how I hoped. Very stressful. Its not unusual to feel traumatised after a difficult end to your birth. I know people are trying to help saying "be happy about your daughter" but that wouldnt have helped me at the time at all....my feelings about my son and my feelings about the birth were quite separate, and that's ok!

Please be kind to yourself, know that you are not alone feeling disappointed, and also that you made the best decisions you could in the situation you were in. The NHS has a very medical approach and you can be rail roaded into decisions you aren't happy with.

You have done a wonderful thing tho, you have brought your daughter into this world safely. I will be hoping that you can focus on these crazy hectic newborn days. My son is 18 months and the birth is just a memory now.

You really arent alone to feel like this though. If it becomes a burden definitely seek help and you can always ask for a birth debrief at a later date.

Well done OP. And congratulations.

Sillylass79 Sun 09-Feb-14 20:06:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThenAgain Sun 09-Feb-14 20:09:17

Sister put it better than me, I agree with all that. Also, a lot of what others women say might be part of them trying rationalise their birth stories. And this one is yours and your baby's, nobody else's.

zinher Sun 09-Feb-14 20:21:14

Thanks everyone for your kid comments. I am in tears reading them, am quite emotional and hormonal at the moment. Dnt know which of my thoughts are rational or irrational. Baby is doing fab. Has been feeding really well. She is like a little bird. Came at 37 weeks so really delicate. Goes into a huge tantrum if I try to lie her down.

Sillylass79 Sun 09-Feb-14 20:24:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sillylass79 Sun 09-Feb-14 20:30:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sun 09-Feb-14 20:51:44

Oh zinher - I just want to give you a huge hug. I have a 13 month old DS. I had a very difficult delivery with him - ended up with forceps and he was in SCBUfor nearly a week. The medical staff were very supportive and over all I look at it as a positive experience but, looking back, I was shell shocked as everything had started out so well - stayed at hime til I was 7cms and was in the midwife led birthing unit. However, things just started to go "wrong"

I had a very kind midwife, GP (at 6 week check) and consultant all reassure me that DS was mal positioned and there was nothing I could have done to change things. I was torturing myself about having pethidine in the MLU as I was really tired and thought it would let me have a bit of a rest. I found the immediate aftermath very difficult though and was in floods of tears very often.

What helped hugely was DH and my Mum both reassuring me that it was totally normal and good to cry and let everything all out hideous Americanism I have a post here under an old name where I had posted practically in hysterics that I was "ruining" DS' first days at home as I couldn't stop crying and I felt terrible and as though I didn't appreciate and love him enough. I got the most amazing advice - basically the same as sister is giving you - that your love for your lovely DD and your feelings about the birth are separate and it's OK to feel very mixed up

I found hearing about NCT friend's births very hard - particularly ones who had had a "natural" birth. However, once I spoke to them a few months down the line, every single one of them had issues they were working through. My friend who had a text book "wonderful" delivery in the MLU was discharged 6 hours later and felt totally vulnerable and unsupported as it was New Years Day. She also had dreadful stitching and will need a repair op. she is totally jealous of my stitching by the consultant and the fact that I can't even feel an episiotomy scar!

I'm rambling on but I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and hope you can enjoy your little DD tonight

For what it's worth - I have a 3 week old DD glutton for punishment! and her birth was a totally different experience to her big brother. I stayed at hime again til 7 cms and she shot out 20 minutes after my waters broke at the hospital! I was offered the opportunity to go through my birth notes for DS' birth but I felt OK by the time I would have got round to making an appointment and I felt that I would have just cried through the whole thing and, actually, that would have made me feel worse. However, please ask someone if yiu can even have a quick chat with the registrar just about the birth generally. They maybe able to reassure you that the epidural actually had nothing to do with the positioning issue

spritesoright Sun 09-Feb-14 21:03:06

Hi zinher I felt similar after DD's birth like if I had only resisted the epidural she wouldn't have got stuck and I wouldn't have had to have episiotomy and forceps in theatre, which was awful for me.
Similarly my feelings about the baby and the birth were completely separate and I resented the idea that I should just be grateful for a healthy baby because birth is also about your experience and can be quite traumatic especially the first time.
I spent ages dissecting the scenario trying to figure out what went wrong.
What really helped was meeting with a consultant at the hospital and going through my labour notes together so I could understand better how decisions were made. I think all hospitals have to provide this so ask your midwife if it sounds like it could help.
It sounds like you did brilliant in the circumstances and well done getting through it!

zinher Sun 09-Feb-14 21:14:39

Thank you again. I will request a debrief and also a meeting with the registrar who did the section. I kept hearing things like " oh that looks rubbish we end to redo the stitches and we have sewed the inner lining to something else. They were also very giggly. At one point I shouted across the screen for them
To be careful. I think it was highly unprofessional and added to my anxiety. The anesthetist was lovely and kept reassuring me throughout explaining each step to me and staying with me till I was wheeled into recovery.

LoreleisSecret Sun 09-Feb-14 23:15:08

It's it about the perfect labour or birth, it's about the perfect baby ��
And I'm sure your little one is just perfect.

zinher Sun 09-Feb-14 23:49:01

She is lorelai but I am in so much pain and discomfort. Feeling really sorry for myself. Also I keep needing to pee which makes it even more difficult. Right now she is lying on my chest and every time she is moved off me she cries bloody murder. It's a really difficult recovery. Thank you everyone for your kind words. I am not sure how women go thru this again.

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