Ds is 7 months but i still cant get over the trauma of the birth!

[kutilputil]

this is my first child and i was induced to prevent the risk of infection. the pain and the whole pallava with the inducing and delivery is still effecting me today .i absolutely adore my son and would love to have more as soon as possible but when the chain of thoughts come to the end of the pregnancy i panic and swear not to go down that line!i very much enjoyed the pregnancy and have cherished each and every second with my son since but that 8 hours of my life has scarred me.my sister in law gave birth 3 days ago to her 3rd son and she had the most amazing birth!i went in to see her and she was so calm and collected and her birth apparently was a breeze(obviously painful but nothing she wants to dwell on!)with no tear, not even a scratch.as for me i had second degree tear and the scar is so bumpy every time i pass my fingers on it i remember the ordeal.do i sound like a moan?im going on i know but i want to hear what other mothers have to say on this and is there light at the end of the tunnel?my midwife was terrible and didnt help the process, i wish i had put in a complaint about her.at the point of finally pushing out my ds she was in the corner of the room writing notes and i was screaming "can someone tell me when to push?"thankfully my husband was there and was able to make the best of a bad situation, you could say he was the midwife, thats how useless she was.at the point of discharge from labour ward i was violently shaking and crying and she didnt even look at me,i feel teary even now thinking about this.so now i want to try for another boybecause they are so delicious but fear not going into labour, being induced, long labour and a cow for a midwife, oh and a bigger tear that the last one!!!help

[mazzystar]

I really sympathise.

Were you offered a debriefing when you left hospital? What really helped me after a not-so-traumatic delivery but appalling aftercare, was having the opportunity to give some feedback as I was taking part in a research study. You could maybe contact the PAtient Liason Service.

Also, as a second time mother, you will be much more aware of what you want for your birth, and if you work with your community midwife hopefully you can be confident in getting it.

[katzg]

i suggest you write down from start to finish the whole labour, then write a second letter detailing wh you feel you were let doown and sent it to the hospital, you can still complain

[spidermama]

So sorry to hear this kutilputil.

You're certainly not alone.I know there are groups for people who've had traumatic births. Someone better informned may be able to provide a link.

[expatinscotland]

FWIW, I had a 24 hour labour w/DD1, forceps delivery, nasty episiotomy, the works.

DD2 - labour started around 6.30AM, she was born at 10.26AM w/no pain relief and I had only a graze.

[2Happy]

It's never too late to ask for an explanation, kutilputil.
I can only speak from my own experience, but even though I knew things can go wrong, I still ended up deeply disappointed by my birth experience. I ended up with a gorgeous son, and - thankfully - the mw and obstetric team I had on labour ward were absolutely fantastic. But I think I went in hoping for a nice, straightforward delivery, and when things went from bad to worse, it was really traumatic. My dsis had delivered 3 months earlier and had laboured at home to nearly fully, got to hospital and had only a small amount of gas and air before having dd. I know it was very sore for her, but I somehow felt inadequate and a failure for not having managed to have such a natural birth. It's stupid to think that, of course. ds was big, and he was facing the wrong way, and he had his hand up the side of his head (oh, and then he tried to die, but that's another story...), and there are no prizes for the mother who uses the least pain relief. But when you imagine a calm and wonderful birth, the baby being placed straight on your tummy and you and dh being left alone with your new arrival; when the reality is brutal and painful and surrounded by strangers, it's only natural to think "what the hell just happened". I don't know if my wittering helps in the slightest, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. But talking can help - and MN is pretty good for that!

(and good luck Katz for this afternoon x)

[PinkyRed]

Poor you. I had an awful experience too - induction, long labour, failed ventouse then emergency cs, and I found it really difficult to get past it. It was only a couple of months ago that I started to be able to say I gave birth, as I just felt I had completely failed and the birth was something that had been done to me, rather than something I'd done.

One thing that helped me was going through my birth story in detail with my DH, talking through how we both felt at each stage. Took us all night but an enormous bottle of wine helped - I felt much better once I'd taken time to properly process it all.

Have you thought about talking it through with someone? Maybe a professional?

[squarer]

Birth Trauma Association website

[kutilputil]

just by all your messages i feel a little at ease, funny thing is compared to some of you guys, mine was a breeze, but them everyone has a different pain threshold and i happen to have the least!i wanna try for another and hope it will at least be spontanious labour rather than elective.ive been told that if you go into labour naturally you release e'ndorphins ?'that at least ease you into the big one, but if you are induced its half an hour to kick in and when it does you are gone, bang in a split second sheer pain!am i being too graphic?forgive me, im reliving it again!will try the website though.

[Tatties]

It's awful you still feel like this 7mths down the line

I don't think the care I received was as bad as yours, I had lovely midwives thankfully. But I was induced and I didn't get much support during the early stages when I wasn't coping at all well with the pain. I dilated very quickly and then it was a panic to get from the ward to delivery suite. Ds arrived after 3 hours of pushing and was whisked straight off to the ressuscitaire. So all in all, the whole experience was quite traumatic, and I spent a lot of the following days and weeks in a state of shock, going over the events in my head. But it didn't last too long. I just focussed on the fact that I had a good outcome, I had as close to a natural birth as I wanted and I had a healthy baby boy. Another thing that helped me was contacting the hospital to get a copy of my notes, although I don't think this is the solution for everyone.

I think it would be a good idea to write to the hospital, to try to get some answers as to why you were treated in that way. I also think that if you become pregnant again you should be quite vocal about your past experience and get some reassurance that next time will be better for you. Good luck

[JackieNo]

I'd definitely advise asking the hospital if they have something like the Birth Afterthoughts scheme that they had at the hospital I went to - a midwife came to my house, bringing my notes from the pregnancy and birth with her, and talked me through them, explaining why things had happened the way they had. It was tremendously cathartic, and did make me less scared to have a second child. Best of luck - hope you get some sort of resolution.

[puddle]

Kutilputil I was induced for my first baby and it was horrendous too. I do so sympathise with you. Agree with everyone else about going back to the hospital and trying to get some answers and some assurance that things will be different next time. Also I wonder if you have had someone look at your scar - my friend's was badly stitched and she had it redone and it was much better and not noticeable at all.

I also wanted to say that I had dd 2.5 years later and had a fantastic birth - everything I could have wished for. Just because your first is difficult it doesn't mean to say your second one will be.

[poppyflower]

Kutil, so sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. I was very badly affected by the birth of ds1 and infact had pnd.
Haven't checked all the threads, but do you think this is a possibility?
You don't have to have a physically horrendous birth to be traumatised. It is also about how safe and protected you felt whilst in such a very vunerable position. You clearly felt abandoned by your midwife and were of course very frightened.
It might well do you the power of good to investigate what happened to you more throughly and if you want ,to file a complaint against the midwife concerned.
That way you would feel you were regaining some sort of control over the situation and control is a very important thing.
When I had my 4th baby I only realised when I was preg with my 5th that although the birth had been quick and easy, I had not feel safe and supported at the time. I only realised this in retrospect and I was scared of thec 5th birth, but all was fine this time.
Rather than this putting you off have another child try to work out how you could organise things differently next time so that you cannot find you self in such a horrible position again. For example you might consider hiring a DOULA . They are truly fantasic as supports for both you AND your partner. Good luck

[conni]

hi, would you be able to go private for second birth?

[Kaz33]

Horrible first birth hear, thought that I had dealt with it when two years later went into labour with second baby.... Ah no, very scared of what might happen next time.

My advice, before you get pregnant - ask the hospital for your notes, check them and see if you need some answers.

Then when you are pregnant get a private midwife or douala - someone who knows your history to be at your side during the process. The stress that you have about first birth could potentially complicate any second birth.

Also you are probably not getting enough sleep yet so wait until you can think straight to make any decisions. A huge amount of mums suffer from stress and depression after birth, especially after a traumatic birth. You are not unusual and most of us find the strength and support to go and do it again.

[bound4oz]

similar story to yours really, just longer (44hrs), took a while to get over the disappointment at not getting my natural water birth that i had wanted with my son, however after emergency spinal, failed ventouse finally forcepts, when i asked how many stitches i had the doctor said it was like winning the lottery, at some point it just becomes a number!!!! 2 years later we decided to try for a girl and only when i saw those two blue lines did the fear and panick set in and i spent my entire pregnancy in a depressed terrified state, however i demanded to see my consultant three times during my pregnancy to discuss my delivery with my son and somehow i felt that i was taking control of the situation from the outset. in the end i went to the ward because i had back ache and 2 hours later after a whiff of gas my daughter was born and really, only then, did i realise how badly affected i had been first time round, but somehow the natural delivery that i got second time round heals alot of the emotional scares. Maybe if you try for a second it will heal alot of your emotional scares and if it doesnt well you wont have time to think about them anyway!!!
dont let that one experience cloud your life, two children is hard work but fantastic, their delivery is such a short space of time compared to the rest of their lives.

[jofeb04]

Hiya
I had a awful birth with my ds, and unfortunatly, my dd was even worse. But, the feelings do pass. Im in the process of having counselling, and being able to talk to a profesional about the feelings I've had, sort of makes it all more sensable ifywim.
Could you get to see an NHS appointment, it was a 3month wait for me, but it is worth it.

[zippy539]

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this and totally second what everyone else has said esp jofeb04.

I had two dreadful births (the second an elective section cause I was so terrified after first but that had complications as well so actually ended up worse than first birth!). I was still a mess a year down the line and went to hv who was fab and referred me to counselling which was really, really good. Would recommend the link below plus going to see HV/GP (whoever is most competant).

Don't feel bad about feeling this way - it is normal. And do seek help/counselling/going through notes. Don't stop till you feel more positive and ready to go again!

[SoupDragon]

kutilputil, I had a nightmare labour with DS1. He was back-to-back and then turned out to be just over 10lb. It was a ventouse delivery, I was exhausted and I sustained a 3rd degree tear which needed what I remember as 2 hours of repair work although my memory is fuzzy.

Fast forward 2 years to DS2s birth, via 3 sessions of hypnotherapy for relaxation because I had no positive memories of DS1's birth at all. It was fine. Bl@@dy painful, obviously, but so much easier, calmer and less traumatic than DS1. A tear plus episiotomy but nothing major really.

Fast forward 5 years to DD. A home waterbirth. DS1 and 2 had been 23 and 20 hours of labour respectively from first twinges to baby. DD arrived in 9.5 hours. It was still bl@@dy painful But it was perfectly calm and peaceful and I can actually remember holding and looking down at DD whilst we waited to cut the cord - I don't remember/didn't see either DS like this. 2nd degree tear (my babies have large heads!) but healed nicely.

DS2 exorcised alot of the ghosts left over from DS1s delivery. DD chased them away completely. You do heal, mentally and physically.

[Dragonhart]

I felt exactly the same after delivery of my ds. It all happened very quickly and I arrived at the hospital too late to have an epidural then when I got to the pushing stage I found it very hard to cope. Got a 3 degree tear and had to go into theatre. Afterwards, if I thought about the birth, I felt physically sick, and just couldn't watch anything remotly birth related on telly and that stayed with me for months.

Now I am pregnant again and I have to say that as soon as I found it out I did panic, but then I talked about exactly what had upset me to my dh and he said all the things that we could do to help it not happen again like getting to the hospital in time to get an epidural. I felt alot more chilled about it now and I was not dreading it too much. I did find out when I had my booking in appt that I will prob have to have a c section, but reading up on exactly what that entails and watching afew baby prog on tv where people have had c sections has made me feel a bit better. (sorry to hijack but Soupdragon - I was told that I would have to have a c section after the 3rd degree tear. Babies are pretty close (ds will be 18months when new baby born) and I have had some problems after the tear. Did they offer you a c section?)

I am sure it will get better Kultilputil and my biggest piece of advise is to talk loads about it, even if it is upsetting, and it helps to exorcise the ghosts of a horrible labour.

[lorna3586]

i was induced aswell i went 2 weeks over gave birth to a 9lb 10oz boy i was only 19 and am still traumatised myself. My mum always reasured me that once the babys born the pain stops..well in my case they did an episiotamy(however you spell it) and i was crying the whole night after giving birth in pain i was so sore for weeks after. I couldnt stand for long or id start feeling faint from the pain. My scars about 2 inchs long. But im sure you wouldnt tear the second time. My mum had my brother 7lb10oz and tore(2nd degree)then had me 2 years later 8lb10oz and didnt tear she was only in labour 2hours had me at home and didnt even use gas and air. So yes i think there is light at the end of the tunnle i think its much easier the second time. And as for the midwife being useless maybe you could have a home birth next time that way you can get to know your midwife before the birth. Its ment to be a lovely expirience.

[mum2lovely2]

Don't feel that you should be over the trauma Kutilputil. It is only seven months. Give your self time to heal. My experience of childbirth the first time around was horrendous (bitch of a midwife, ventouse delivery, third degree tear,) I felt mutilated and I thought never again but eventually (five years later, don't leave it that long!) gave in to pressure from dh and got pregnant again. When the midwife came to see me to book me in I could have cried remembering how awful it had been giving birth to ds but this made me determined that this time would be different. I went on a hypnobirthing course which really helped me to relax leading up to the birth. My dd's birth was completely different - peaceful, happy and easy in comparison. I don't know whether to attribute this to the hypnobirthing, maybe it would have been easier anyway second time around, but I know that leading up to the birth I felt that this time it would be alright. dd's birth healed a lot of wounds and I wouldn't have the same fears if I was to have a third. Hope this helps a little

[angelicangel]

When you do decide to try for another please try hypnobirthing (www.hypnobirthing.co.uk) I felt similar to you, but after hypnobirthing had the most fantastically amazing experience.

[noothgrush]

I had my dd in January and am also still feeling traumatised. Everything started brilliantly - 8 hour labour, born in the pool with just a whiff of gas and air, caught by the mw who'd looked after me throughout my pregnancy. Then I had a retained placenta, was schlepped to another hospital, rushed into theatre, dumped on a ward at midnight still paralysed from waist down, on a drip and my dh was told to leave. It was a horrendous, long night. And I was left with a rectocele and cystocele. I'm shit scared about doing it all again because I feel really violated and damaged and as though my body has let me down. I went from feeling in control and supported to feeling like a piece of meat with some bloke's hand shoved up me, no one telling me what was happening and hearing my baby crying and feeling like I'd let her down. I'm only just starting to enjoy sex again, because up until a month ago I had flashbacks.
I've written about it, talked about it and obssessed over it, but am still finding it hard to move on. Because I'm now labelled as a bad birther, the community hospital I gave birth in probably won't have me and I'll have to go to the horrible big hospital with midwives who are bitches and no birth pool.
I think my expectations of the birth were far to idealistic and unrealistic. It's one situation when it really is the destination, not the journey which is important. I'm hoping that at some point, when I get more sleep and my dd is a bit older that I will just naturally put it behind me and I'm trying not to rush myself.

[Lio]

Poor you kutilputil. Depending on whether you are up for trying something slightly odd, have a look at my post on a similar thread on the go in the 'feeling depressed' category called 'haunted by childbirth'. Unfortunately there are a lot of us here who had bad experiences, but on the plus side maybe it's good to know that you are not alone in the struggle to come to terms with this.