Mum being at the birth?(24 Posts)
I think it depends on the relationship with your mother - for me it was a definite no-no. I was kept in for quite a while threatening prem labour and so my mum popped in to visit and was there as they were taking my blood pressure... afterwards the midwife quietly said to me "I didn't write down the one when your mum was in as it was sky high and I guessed there might be a reason" and winked... proof of how much that woman stresses me out sometimes!!!
If your even thinking of asking your mum to be at the birth, you probably have a good relationship.
My mum was with me when I had dc1&2. With Dc3, 4 & 5 I knew I didn't want my mum with me. Im expecting my 6 th dc & its very likely I will be on my own as dp will look after the other dc...it really doesn't bother me. I would rather be on my own then have my mum with me!
Also just echoing Bodicea a little, I think if you're very close to your mum then you are used to looking to her for help and support when you need it - in my case, I have had 30 years of being looked after by my mum compared to 6 years being looked after (and looking after too) my DH.
So in my case, I think (especially when scared and in pain) you revert to what you have most experience of, which for me would be looking for support from my mum. If I looked to her, then she would of course respond and provide it, meaning that DH would be cut out of that a little - even if it was all done with love.
I do think that more than one birth partner is probably incredibly useful during a long labour (mine was v quick) but the actual support you need during the active labour bit is more of a one person job.
Personally I agree with sugarandspite. I wouldn't have my mother there and don't think it is right too if you have a good relationship with your partner. I think it is important to go through this experience as a couple - it is a life changing, bonding experience and will help the father bond with the baby better if it is just you and him.
I don't have anything to do with labour but I am a sonographer and often find that when patients bring their mothers to the scan, the father tends to get pushed aside a bit, especially when I have to give bad news. So I can imagine that can often be the case in labour too.
Obviously it depends of the relationship between your partner and mother. whether they have the confidence to stand up to them, feel entirely comfortable with them. But if your mother is particularly domineering I would definitely avoid.
Just to put a slightly different perspective on it from most of the posts you've had so far.
I'm incredibly close to my mum and was so tempted to ask her to be at the birth of DC along with DH but in the end DH and I jointly agreed we'd prefer it to be just us - with the plan that if anything went badly wrong, we'd call mum so she could give DH some support.
Everything went brilliantly though and it was such an intense and bonding experience for us as a couple. DH was amazing and supported me brilliantly and if things had got trickier, I know he would have defended my choices and made good decisions where required. Mum arrived about an hour after DC was born which was just perfect.
I think if mum had been there during the actual birth, both DH and I would have looked to her a lot more and so DH wouldn't have played as significant a part which would have been a real loss to our marriage I think.
Good luck with whatever you decide!
My mum was there when I had DS until I had to go to theatre, where only DP was allowed. It was good having her around, though I'd say in hindsight I should have prepared her more - getting her clued up about my birth plan and expectations and wishes. We hadn't done that as we weren't expecting her to be around.
She said that when you are having your own baby you just somehow deal with it, but seeing me, her baby, go through the pain and at some points despair, was quite something else, she found it very hard.
Based on this and given your mum hasn't experienced giving birth first hand, I'd say:
- Invite her to be there IF you feel very comfortable with the idea.
- If you are in the least bit worried (will she need supporting rather than being supportive? Will she be making the event about her rather than about me? Will she make me tense rather than help me relax?...) then if you think there's a point, try to talk to her about it and decide if you want to invite her to be there based on that talk.
- If you do end up having her there, make sure she knows what to expect, and what you expect of her. Involve her in your birth plan, tell her what you want of her. It could be quite problematic and lead to future resentment if you expected her to actively fight your corner, when she just sees her role as 'observing' and leaving things to you and your DH. Just make sure you're both on the same page. And also that she knows and respects that you might change your mind at any time, and wouldn't feel hurt if all of a sudden you wanted her out.
Mine was there for my last birth and it was lovely. DH was not there and i didn't want him there. Our first birth we had a stillborn son and he was utterly traumatised during the second homebirth and could not deal with his fear and my pain and topped it all off by passing out after our son was born.
I would say you should have her there if it's for your benefit, not for hers. You shouldn't use your birth to 'give' her an experience, it's when you need support the most, not to be giving it to someone else.
I'm adopted so was in the same position as you.
my mum was there and I am glad, she cried and was so happy and delighted for me.
she isnt coming for dc2 though as is helping with dc1 so I get 2 nice birth hopefully, one with her and dh and one with just dh as we complete our family
I was lucky enough to be asked to be with my dd when she gave birth to her first child. It was something I will never forget. I had been very nervous leading up to it as I was worried about seeing her in pain, on the day though I was remarkably calm . It was a wonderful experience and I had the honour of seeing her head before anyone else ! I was second to hold her as my SIL was too frightened To. He soon came round though. Last December we celebrated her 18th birthday ! We are very very close.
My mum has been at 3/5 of mine. Two of the others were under GA and the third they kept her outside and told her they had to respect my wishes I was asking for her at the time!
Mum is sensible and it would take a lot to phase her so I knew it was safe having her there. My partner has had bad experiences of birth (yeah great as 5/7 are mine!) so he was pretty much in the en suite during the births so I needed someone there for me and someone to make sure he wasn't losing it.
You do need to be comfortable with whoever you ask into your room because it will affect your birth, Ina May talks about the sphincter law - basically that they close when you're stressed, but look it up for a better description.
Mum was at first had no dp(long story)
Mum as also at second by accident dd was early at 32 weeks in hospital labour ward due to complications, dm @ dp in room when DS appears when medical staff not ready! Luckily dd makes it !
My aunt was at the birth of my cousin's child and said that it was terribly hard for her to see her daughter in so much pain. Not trying to put you off in the least, I wanted my mum to be at my birth but we couldn't manage it in the end - just a perspective I found interesting.
I had my mum there at the birth of my second. She was supposed to be childcare for my oldest but after my DC fell asleep she took over for a bit so DH could go to the loo and get something to eat as it was a very long labour (home birth so DH didn't go far).
She is usually a bit fussy about blood and mess and pain, avoids earthy or emotional talk etc, but she was brilliant, really held it together and was very encouraging. Even when my waters broke on her shoes, which she told me afterwards was horrifying.
And the bit where I was in transition when i couldnt cope and I cried out in tears that I just wanted my mum, well she was actually there this time (had been five hundred miles away the first time) and that was amazing.
And to have a person on either side of me when giving birth, holding my hand and supporting me was brilliant, much more balanced and supportive than just DH. I felt much more protected and safe.
Had my mom there for the first one, along with my husband and I was very happy to have support from both. I plan to do the same second time around That is if circumstances allow! She is flying from the US in a few days and stay for a few weeks, so lets hope baby arrives when she is here! She literally just made it the first time around! Basically, arrived at my place straight from airport, my contractions started just a couple hours earlier and off to the hospital we went 2 hours after she entered our house!
I think it depends on what kind of relationship you have with your mom and if she would be supportive or not. Some moms take more energy out of you or need attention and expect to be entertained etc...so if you have a high maitenance mom, I would suggest not having her there. But if your relationship is close, she can be supportive etc...then YES I receommend it.
My mum has been at the births of all of her grandchildren, and she'll be at the birth of this one.
She was great with my last 2 labours. This will be DH's first baby and he actively requested that my mum be there. I think she'll be a brilliant support for both of us.
My mum has also been with me for all three, though I'm not sure if she actually saw the middle one being born. It was a comfort to me to know she was there, but actually I'm not sure if she enjoyed my third birth where I was noisiest and baby was biggest!
My mum was with me when in labour. I wanted her there and she was honoured to be asked.
However ds was born at 34 weeks and got stuck. My mum panicked when room filled, although I didn't notice it at the time. I was taken to theatre with dp where ds was delivered with forceps and was then rushed to nicu.
She has told me since that she was quite traumatised, she hated seeing me so upset and worried and she can't even look at ds first pic now.
Having said that she has also said that If I wanted her there again she would do it in a heartbeat and I know she would be as supportive and as brilliant as first time round
During the birth itself, it was always just DH, but Mum was fantastic in the long labours before I began to dilate. My labours have been long and they both took turns supporting me and looking after the rest of the DC at home.
During the delivery itself, I always wanted it to be just me and DH though.
my mum's been there at both my births along with dp she was brilliant
Exactly the same experience as Elcranko, ended up with a section but in the short 40 hours that preceded my Mum was a fantastic support for both DH and I. I appreciate it's not for everyone but I wouldn't have been without her.
I had my mum there. It was great because my labour was lengthy so it meant that she and DH could both take turns at having loo breaks, coffee, fresh air and make calls, and I was never left alone. I ended up going into theatre for delivery and could only take one person with me, so DH came and mum stayed behind, so she wasn't present for the actual birth. I appreciated her support during labour though.
My mum has been at all three DSs births.
BUT, we have the relationship whereby ...
I said I want time just DH, me and new baby after born (ie she left after a cuddle and helping me in shower)
I knew she would stand back and let DH lead
Was fab having her there, but I know not for everyone.
Congrats by the way!
My mum has never experience giving birth or seen a birth. (This DC will be 1st grandchild)
I have casually said to DP what he feels like about having my mum there.
Is anyone else thinking or planning on having a parent at the birth?
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