Traumatised by childbirth experience - any advice please?

[cashmeresox]

I'm a bit shy about posting but would really value any advice any of you have! (sorry about the war and peace epic here!!) I had my ds 4 months ago - he's my second bubba and I still feel really anxious and upset by the birth. I had a VBAC and while the delivery itself was very straightforward, labour was very frightening and for me, upsetting. I was 10 days overdue and requested, reluctantly an induction. I felt strongly that my baby was well overdue - I was right as it turned out and was very concerned about both of our health. I had suffered a mild but nasty case of depression throughout my pg and got every infection going. At the end docs felt I was too ill to deliver so gave me some steroids to help hold off the birth till I was better.
When I saw the consultant he agreed to an induction the next day. I arranged my childcare and was frankly relieved. I rang the hospital next morning and they told me that they couldn't take me in but I should drop by for some monitoring. I had now been having contractions on and off for a week and this morning they were strengthening. I cancelled my childcare thinking that it would be some time before things moved on. We went in for monitoring and they told me that I would be given prostaglandin there and then. My husband rearranged the childcare. Contractions now strong and continued for several hours - mw thought I was about 4cm dilated but I felt very anxious and upset. Contractions stopped. I then spent two days being told that I would be taken to the delivery suite for my induction 'imminently'. On Sunday morning I felt baby and I both really really fed up. Baby very quiet and I intuitively felt that he was scared and reluctant to make an appearance. I felt that if I could go home, relax, groom my horse and see my 16 month old daughter that my body might carrry on for the best. As I was leaving the maternity ward the delivery suite sister caught me up and told me that they would take me there and then. Husband and I both in a quandary (?sp) His mum was looking after dd and we were now desperate. I felt things were utterly out of control and that although I was sure I was in labour no-one would listen - it was syntocinon or nothing! I was also told that it was ridiculous to try an induced birth without a 'full range of pain relief' even though I expressed a desire to be allowed to get on with it on my own. Once in the delivery suite, I was, of course, hooked up to monitors etc etc, though mw did do her best to help me move around and use my birthing ball. As the ward was so busy we were left to ourselves which was fine. I had gas and air for the last 1/2 hour and used breathing and visualisation to help a bit as well. Labour progressed very quickly and mw ended up telling me 'I cant stop you pushing, you'll just have to push love''! Which I did. Ds born v healthy but within 2 days was in special care due to a blood incompatibility(though no-one told us that this was the problem until he was a month old and perfectly healthy).
The mw on the ward told me I was just 'upset' when I said that he was not okay and not feeding well. I had to insist on seeing the paediatrician who agreed that ds was making a 'horrible noise' and needed looking at. He was taken to special care, getting iller by the moment - bright orange and not responding.

All in I was in hosp for a week during which time I hardly saw my dd as I spent so much time expressing and feeding ds. She stopped talking and her upset was very distressing. Both dd and ds now extremely healthy and bouncy but I am finding it very hard to process my own experience. Any advice about what I could do to help?

[milward]

sorry you had a difficult time cashmeresox xxx could you talk it through with one of the midwives or your gp?

[thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat]

cashmeresox - I have no specific advice but various degrees of trauma about birth experiences are very common. I would talk to your doctor, your community midwife (if poss) and/or your health visitor - whichever you think will be sympathetic. They can advise you on whether you might need counselling, whether in their experience other things help, like writing about it all, getting hold of your records to read, or something else. I think your situation is very common and you should get professional advice. In the meantime do what you can to help yourself physically by getting a bit of fresh air everyday (I know, I sound like an old wife) but it's SO true, eating well, trying to sleep as best you can (difficult I know), making use of opportunities to meet with other mums, and calling on family and friends for support. good luck

[SoupDragon]

Birth Trauma Association might be helpful.

[Yummymum1]

Cashmeresox i really sympathise with you.What a terrible time for you over something which should be so special.I agree with others that you should find someone to talk to about it as these feelings might last a long time.My ds1 was born by emergency c-section and was ill needing antibiotics in scbu.The birth couldnt have been further from what i had wanted(originally home birth)and it must have been nearly a year before i really felt he was my baby as i hadnt "worked"for him and had just been handed a baby!!He has always been demanding and sees things in his own unique way and isnt always an easy child to like(now 5.5)and i often feel that some of my struggles with him stem from his birth and the awful feelings i had and probably i would have benefitted from talking about it and perhaps i still would.I had an app with gp to talk about it last week but as i was in floods of tears about the whole thing but by the time the app came i felt on top of it so i cancelled(?mistake?)If you can i would seek help somewhere so that in 5yrs time you wont be like me!!Good luck

[Greensleeves]

Oh, I am so sorry to hear this, it sounds terribly traumatic and it's not at all surprising that you feel overwhelmed.

There are lots of people on MN (myself included) who have had difficult/terrifying/upsetting childbirth experiences of every conceivable kind. This is somewhere you can always talk about it, and get advice, support and sympathy, over and over again if need be. I found that I needed to go over it all, the whole narrative of the labour, the birth, the aftermath, many times in acute detail for a long time before I started to feel normal again. It's very traumatic and stressful feeling out of control and in pain, having your baby taken to special care, worrying about your other child's emotional welfare when you are exhausted and overwhelmed... it's only natural that it takes time to process it all. I personally felt both angry and guilty about the way I felt I was not listened to, and the fact that I could not make myself heard when my baby was showing alarming symptoms which turned out to be serious. I felt brutalised and frightened by the labour itself and felt that I was being weak and silly not "getting over it like every other woman". It took me a while to realise that I also felt responsible for the fact that my baby was very ill at first, and that my toddler was unsettled and clingy - neither of those things was in my control, and they both resolved themselves later, once we got the baby home - but it took a lot longer for my feelings to calm down. It's only when the children are both healthy and OK again that you start tending to your own emotional needs again, I think.

Sorry, I have rambled a bit but I have some idea of how it feels to be where you are, and I know lots of other MNers do too - you will find lots of support here. xx

[cashmeresox]

Thanks so much for all the advice - I think I will probably ask my health visitor what sort of counselling might be available - I think if I could work out exactly what it was that was so awful I would then be able to deal with it and put it to one side. I really want to resolve this as my ds is quite 'difficult' but I think this may be because he tunes in to my anxiety as when he is having a good day he is so smiley, charming and delicious!! I really appreciate you all being so understanding - will let you know how I go

[noothgrush]

I totally empathise. I think it does take a really long time to process all the emotions to do with birth and the aftermath, because you spend the first few months on the back foot just trying to cope with everything which is being flung at you and having little time to go through feelings/emotions and not functioning properly due to the lack of sleep. Seven and a half months later i'm still feeling a bit traumatised but I can feel it's lessening and on some days I don't feel traumatised, i feel strong and powerful for coping with such a bloody difficult experience! talking to understanding people and writing your thoughts out, maybe repeatedly every morning helps.