Bringing DD to hospital day of c-section - your thoughts??(142 Posts)
Ok, so dd is 21 months and I'm due for an elective c-section( after very bad birth with her) in 2 weeks!!
To be fair dd and I may have some attachment issues, we literally spend every waking and sleeping for that matter moment together. She doesn't go to nursery and is with me 24/7, we tried nursery but both of us hated it.
Anyway, I'm dreading being away from her overnight as I genuinely don't remember anyone else ever putting her to sleep/ getting her up etc and I know she will be very confused.
My mum is coming over in the morning as we leave very early for hospital so dd will wake up with her. I know there's 3 of us booked in that day and they usually only book 2 so no idea when I will actually go down to theatre.
My question is could dd come to the hospital with us? With my mum of course? Then we can be together and wake up together etc until its time to go to theatre? I want her to come see me and her baby brother after the birth anyway?
Just wondering how others played it with their little ones when they went in?
I presume him working arse off=solvent?in that case buy some help
My son was 2.4 when I had a planned section. I'm very close to my son but he spends time with granny too. I went in in the Friday morning- he had a sleep over at granny's on the Thursday night which he found exciting! My personal choice was that I didn't want him to visit while I was in hospital. I was in hospital with complications at 20 weeks and he visited and I found it too upsetting when he took my hand and tried to pull me out of bed and told me to come home. I cried my eyes out when he had to leave- was so upsetting for me and him. So when it came to the section, when DH was visiting, he stayed with granny, then granny came and visited when DH had him. Luckily I was only in for 2 nights, and he came with DH to pick me and his new little sister up from the hospital, I was so happy to see him.
Kids are so adaptable- out of sight, out of mind!!
However you need to be more realistic in the weeks following your section. I also said that the baby would have to fit in with our plans and that nothing would be changing - oh how I laugh at myself now
The result is a little 8 month old madam who has me, her daddy and her big brother wrapped round her finger!!
Hi Mummy you have been given some brilliant advice here especially by 1944girl it would be a great shame if you don't listen to it. You seem to be extremely anxious about the birth and after your last experience I don't blame you. I think wanting your daughter there is more about you than her - she is your constant companion and comfort but she is a baby and you need to think about her. Postnatal wards can be distressing and disorienting for adults, never mind children.
I am struggling to understand why, after your first labour, you think that recovery will be much quicker and easier this time. It is unfair of whoever is expecting you to look after your nephew at 6 weeks post ELCS.
Babies and children benefit from forming close and caring relationships with a number of adults - my DS has loving bonds with his aunts, GPs, ex nanny and current childminder and gets benefits out of those relationships that I could never give him on my own. Your DH is missing out and as someone assisted out he seems to be more of an occasional lodger who pays the bills. You are his housekeeper in essence.
You've made negative comments about child care professionals and WOHM which I will ignore because you are clearly distressed and anxious but let me say this:
- looking after a wheel chair bound nephew (unpaid?) 6 weeks post major surgery
- going to bed exhausted every night after being a constant carer for a very demanding toddler
- having constant back pain for 10 weeks
- having no partner to share the burden 75% of the time and when he is there does nothing
Is NOBODY's idea of 'huge luxury' - it sounds like penal servitude to me.
You need to let your partner and mother look after your daughter while you are getting some rest in hospital (and compared to your current schedule an ELCS and caring for a newborn sounds restful to me). If your DD goes to bed screaming every night and your DH has to deal win that, it's none of your business, it won't cause any long term damage and it may help them bond.
Good luck with your birth
Actually I was a single mum when I had a hysterectomy. DS was 2.8 and DD was 10 months old. I had to hand over all parenting to mum + stepdad, sister, dad + stepmum for over a month. At no point was it even an option for me to try and get back to normal to spend time with them as it was a priority for me to recover. Yes, it was weird not doing much with the kids but they had a whale of a time with my family, I just 'directed' everything from my room and read their bedtime stories. It takes a village and all that.
From the sound of it your DH is letting you be a single parent so take some of his hard earned cash and spend money on paid help.
OP you have bigger problems than this, from reading some of your old posts.
I'd suggest you post in relationships for some advice on the bigger picture.
And I'm sorry I was harsh. I wasn't aware of the massive back story.
You won't be able to push a heavy wheelchair six weeks after a section.
I was in hospital for a month after mine.
mummy252 if you're still reading, I can understand how you feel and just a few practical suggestions for night:
1) would she fall asleep in the pushchair if walked / in the car seat if driven and then whoever was caring for her could transfer her to bed?
2) would she be happier sleeping with whoever's caring for her rather than alone?
I'm fortunate that my (equally attached) dd will be older than yours when dc2 arrives, so i think will take it better, but at 21 months it would have been very difficult. I can really understand how you feel, and hope it all goes well and that you come home quickly.
Wait and see how you feel afterwards. I had planned for my DD to come in and see me the afternoon after my ELCS and she was duly brought in by my Mum. Unfortunately there was some rather unexpected (and unusual) events during the ELCS and I ended up in the High Dependency Unit fighting for my life. Poor DD was in the waiting room but wasn't allowed in to see me as no visitors were allowed. She was really upset. I was away with the fairies on morphine at the time and recovered quickly - but poor DD had very negative associations with her DB for a while.
I was in and out of hospital and then in for the best part of a week having DD2... DD1 was brought in every day by either my husband or my brother (I was missing her like mad and as she was so young and not able to really understand a verbal discussion about it - not even 1 at the time - I wanted to make sure she saw me every single day).
Even after a straightforward delivery it was hard going managing her within a hospital ward, and even a side room (our hospital were fab and put me in a side room, partly so DD1 visiting and having the odd strop didn't upset the rest of the ward - mainly because DD2 was under phototherapy lights and I'd said I didn't feel happy having the rest of the ward have to put up with them all night... I'd had some really nasty comments made when DD1 was under the same on a ward when she was born as well so was really sensitive over the issues) - and that's just with 2nd degree tear stitches and canulas in my hands... let alone with a c-section scar.
She was bored after about an hour, I could gank a bit of cuddle time while she'd have a nap on my knee but then she really needed a change of environment - the only way to make it fair on HER was to make visits on the shortish and frequent side - and it broke my heart to have to do that, and to put trust in the combination of DH, my brother and my mother that she was being well looked after there... not 100% the way I would do things in terms of routine etc - but well looked after and I just had to relax and take that leap of faith that this was going to happen. I'd thrown myself into preparing as much as possible in advance to maintain as much consistency as possible for her to try to feel in control over things - so I'd left things like a breakdown of the rough routine we had for her day (I'm not some mega-GF-esque mother, but just a rough pattern of when she generally napped and ate etc), details of where to find everything - even the local shops (since hubby is the sort who'd come and ask "darling where do we keep my head" if it wasn't screwed on) and made sure that everywhere was stocked up with food for DD1 (lots of leftovers frozen into her-size meals in the freezer drawer) and my helpers (mainly of the chocolate biscuit variety in that case)... and I made sure she had lots of time with my mother and brother in advance so they weren't unfamilar to her... I did what I could but had to accept this was going to happen - and yes, I discharged myself while in threatened labour a couple of times to get home to her against the advice but with the understanding of the medical bods.
Ultimately though she coped, I coped (she coped better though) - and she coped despite starting the spate of teething from hell and the 12 month sleep regression and desperately trying to figure out crawling all at the same time... but no, neither of them gets 100% attention - I stagger things as best I can to slot DD2's feeds in between DD1's mealtimes and that generally works really well - but there are times when DD1 just wants attention and I can't give it immediately - thankfully normally she's happy with a smile, eyecontact and a chat with her while I'm dealing with DD2 - who turned out to have reflux and now suspected CMPI issues as well and is not a happy little bunny at all.
And yes on occasions we had DD1 in the delivery suite - but our circumstances were different in that I was in and out threatening labour that refused to start, and on the first bout of this, we had to wait for my mum to do a 3 hour drive to come and take care of DD1 anyway - we'd explained this to the staff and they were fine with her being there for that short time while reinforcements were drafted in. The ward stuff I've explained earlier - it was one factor in moving us to a side room to help us out (but the ward I was on had a very generous number of side rooms)... the staff there were fab and kept sneaking in to have a fuss, cuddle and cheek squidge of DD1 (she's that sort of baby - all eyelashes, grins and squidgey cheeks and thighs - and I think a few of them enjoyed a more interactive baby than their usual newborns - indeed one of the neo-natal docs admitted as much!) and the child got offered a ridiculous quantity of ice cream over the course of my stay... but all above and beyond and not something I'd expected or bargained for.
No real sibling rivalry issues (but DD1's a bit too young for that) - apart from over the fact that DD2 dares to have socks on her feet and DD1 is utterly opposed to the existence of all footwear and keeps on crawling over and removing her sister's socks in addition to her own (she's also started crawling out of her own trousers but thankfully hasn't extended this one to her sibling as of yet).
OP, have you considered trying for a homebirth? I know you had an awful time last time but every labour is different. A friend of mine had a nearly 3 day labour with her first but just 3 hours with her second! I'm just wondering whether it would be possible for you to plan to have a homebirth so you'd be around for your DD but agree in advance that you'd transfer in for a CS if the baby hadn't arrived within a certain time after labour started.
Hope everything goes well for you & you have an easy/speedy recovery!
I am in exactly the same position as you [mummy252] I had a very similar birth experience to you feel like I was
butchered badly mismanaged when I had my ds, I also needed emergency surgery and blood transfusions and now find myself in a similar position to you - I would love a home birth or even hospital birth so I don't have to spend too much time away from my ds but so scared of same thing happening again so will most likely be having a c section like you. I know what you are going through - I'm going to get my mum to look after ds and bring him to the hospital asap after c section - providing I'm well enough and I'm not looking like I've been hit by a bus (which is how I look on all my post labour pictures from last time!!). I know that he will be well looked after by my mum and dad and that he will be well looked after by my dh when i'm not there so i'm sure any short term anxiety of not seeing me will soon be forgotten once i'm home again. My ds has been left with my parents quite a few times in the past and despite an initial cry when i'm leaving he has soon forgotten any upset when my mum and dad are spoiling him rotten - I sometimes think its the children that are more resilient than us parents...I'm sure your dd will be absolutely fine and spoilt rotten by your mum and if she is with your mum you can phone her and talk to her while you are waiting. I'm sure being with your mum will be much more fun for her than being confined to one bed space in a hospital which is unfamiliar and then the distress she will get when you are wheeled away from her and come back a bit worse for wear, with drips cathethers and lots of other scary looking equipment to little eyes....I wish you good luck hope it goes well....
posted the above post after only reading the first page of this thread - why so many haters on this thread jeepers!!! mummy252 asked for a bit of advice not to be publically hung drawn and quartered for managing to cope very well under exceptional circumstances.
I have 13 months between my two and both were sections. We had to be at hospital at 7am, so we took eldest to my Mums for half six and went into hospital - I was booked in first so was back up on the ward by 9.30 with the baby my OH went to my mums about lunchtime and brought them in to see me and the new baby and after visiting he dropped my mum home and took No1 son home and looked after him and did visiting etc. I only stayed in 2 nights as I was fit and ready to come home.
I think you should leave her with your mum - it would be tedious for both of them to hang about in a hospital all day.
Sorry for hijack but how long after c-section can you push a wheelchair and lift a disabled child? I always thought it was 3-6 weeks butthis thread has made me panic a bit as I am pregnant with DC4, I have polyhydramnios and baby is breech at 33 weeks. DS2 (5) is disabled and a wheelchair user. I've got an appointment to discuss my birth options on 11th June but worrying in the meantime.
ELlie that sounds like a lot to deal with. I haven't pushed a wheelchair but know that pushing a (full) shopping trolley at 4 weeks caused quite a bit of pain. But I recovered slowly. You'll see people on here skydiving at 3 days etc. Hope the meeting gives you some answers, and maybe a plan in case it goes that way.
I would leave her with your mother, it will be too much for you after coming round and little children waiting around hospitals get very bored.
I am sure this has all been said before, and I don't know how much time you have before your baby arrives, but during this time your priority needs to be getting your DD used to having a relationship with your DH - particularly at bedtime. You are being seriously unfair to her if you don't push this now - before she has the additional disruption of a baby sibling.
Your DH will have to put her to bed at least 2 nights. Therefore you need to make sure he can do this without her completely losing it - otherwise of course this will be absolutely awful for both you and her. It will worry you sick and tarnish your early days with your DS which are absolutely crucial (the bonding time in hospital with DC2 is particularly important as once you get home they need to share mum with with DC1).
If DH is putting her to bed in advance of the C/S (which I highly recommend) you need to go out - hard as it is - that is the only way he is going to get through it. You won't be able to leave him to it if you can hear how distressed she is.
As to the taking DD into hosp before the op - it doesn't solve your main issue - which is the bedtime. You can get up with your DD and see her in the morning no matter how early you are going in. If you have sorted the relationship between you DD and DH you could always leave them together and get your mum to drop you in - DH won't be needed until you go to theatre which is going to be at least 3 hours after you arrive so he can come in later and have time to give DD her brekkie etc. She will probably be able to come and see you for a short visit after the op (assuming all has gone ok and you aren't in HDU or anything) but you need to recognise that - much as you will want to see her - it may be worse for her seeing you and then having to leave, no doubt she will be v distressed at leaving and it may be getting close to bedtime when tiredness will make this worse.
I am sure you will cope fine afterwards with no help - it won't be pleasant but as you say people have to. I have 2 other DC and won't have any help beyond 3 weeks post-op this time (and it was going to be 2 weeks which I was fine with having had 2 C/S before).
However you won't be able to give DD 100% of your attention once you have 2 children; that just isn't physically possible. And remember were you or DS ill and you weren't able to be there for her you would be better off if you had addressed the issue in advance by ensuring she has a trusting relationship with her father. I don't see why this is such a problem to you, it is not "childcare with a ratio of 1:6 or unqualified teenagers", it is a man who presumably loves and cares for her 100% and is equally as capable and valuable as a carer as you are.