want husband to stay "head end" during labour

(47 Posts)
gmets Thu 14-Mar-13 20:20:56

i love my DH dearly but we have a bathroom door closed realtionship,i know everyone poos, waxes, vomits etc but we dont feel the need to share these details with each other face to face. i am growing apprehensive that all the staff at the hospital wil just "assume" we are ok with sharing everything.

i defo want him there at the birth but head end only, he also feels the same. did anyone else manage to have this arrangement successfully. i know its only tv but i have seen one born every minute and although there is a sheet over the womens lap the nurses seem quite happy to whip is back and totally miss the point of it being there to keep some degree of dignity if thats what you wish.

i know that getting baby out safely is the most important and that some people will call me a prudish. but i feel quite strongly about this

anyone else out there feel the same

dizzy77 Thu 14-Mar-13 20:23:04

Felt the same. Discussed it during a particularly hairy episode of OBEM and DH was fine, wrote such on birth plan, midwife respected wishes.

We share most things, apart from poos and gynaecology. I think that's healthy enough.

KenDoddsDadsDog Thu 14-Mar-13 20:23:05

What if you need forceps / ventouse or manual intervention. My husband was head end and saw the lot.

dizzy77 Thu 14-Mar-13 20:25:24

I was fine with him having a view from the head end, just didn't want him watching crowning etc. I think sharing my view was fair enough by I don't really fancy looking up there now. Also on OBEM lights are very high for the cameras, if you're not in theatre you can have these low which helped me.

skaen Thu 14-Mar-13 20:26:07

We managed it both times. I knelt up against the end of a hospital bed for DD with DH on the other side. For DS, I was in the pool with My head on DH's shoulder.

There is an awful lot of blood and poo though so he probably won't be able to avoid it completely (little poos bobbing in the birth pool for eg!)

Hassled Thu 14-Mar-13 20:30:12

4 births here and neither ExH or DH strayed from the head end. I didn't want it, they didn't want it - and there was no problem at all.

dizzy77 Thu 14-Mar-13 20:30:29

I will butt out shortly. I do think OBEM should come with a "health warning": these are people who volunteered to give birth on national television! This is not a representative sample of the normal population.

Rant over. Good luck op.

SuckingDiesel Thu 14-Mar-13 20:30:58

Pah. I wanted DP to stay away from the business end but after several midwives and about half a dozen doctors had had a good look, it seemed unfair that he was the only one in the room not to see. And after 45 hours in labour, I couldn't have given a stuff if they'd invited everyone everyone in the hospital in for a gander.

Trazzletoes Thu 14-Mar-13 20:31:37

Yep. Both labours DH stayed head end. He just didn't look down there! When the midwives asked if he wanted to see eg. The head, he just said no. Easy.

DS was born with forceps. DH just concentrated on me and my head. They can't force him to see anything he doesn't want to.

My husband stayed head end and neither of us wanted to look (I'm really rather prudish I fear).

We've never talked about what he may have actually seen and I maintain that he didn't see anything undignified but I expect that's me in denial rather than the truth.

Funnily enough have had no problems with him observing my sections and he's not that sort of squeamish so probably saw everything.

Bowlersarm Thu 14-Mar-13 20:33:18

I felt the same then the midwife asked DH to go to that end of the bed and hold my leg up (this was a long time ago and i can't remember why now, something that had to be done immediately) He ended up seeing far more than I hoped he would. It's a gruesome sight I'm sure and I would be too squeamish to do it. If you have a good relationship i think it should be fine. For us there is no resulting problem-but i have remained prudish!

MoodyDidIt Thu 14-Mar-13 20:39:53

oh i'd be the same

i had sections for mine and made damn sure the dc dads couldn't see anything

LikeCandy Thu 14-Mar-13 20:51:26

DH will definitely be staying at the head end.
One of his friends had already warned him that watching the action too closely is 'like watching your favourite pub burn down'!!

I didn't care, but this will be your labour and you need to make sure that everyone knows what your wishes are - the things that will make you comfortable and best chance of labour suvce.sfullly.

Bartlebee Thu 14-Mar-13 20:58:32

For my first, the midwife kept getting dh to go down to the business end and he saw a lot more than he bargained for.

I had a big baby and had excessive tearing and an episiotomy.

My dh was quite traumatised by it, and sadly but honestly, said it put him off for quite some time!

Next time he stayed at my head.

parisfernandez Thu 14-Mar-13 21:04:19

I feel the same. I don't want my DP to look down there when im in labour, id rather he stayed head end. We have a very open relationship when it comes to bathroom etc (me in nice bubble bath, he comes in for a poo and doesnt even bother to apologise etc) but what is getting me, is that when he sees what he will see down there, it will put him off coming anywhere near me sexually again. I don't want that to happen and want to have some dignity left at the end of it

Just do whatever makes you comfortable. I had my mum in with me first time i gave birth and she dragged my poor dad along. He looked like he would rather be anywhere else but there at the time and i dont blame him lol. He stayed in the corridor and my mum, being my mum, was down the bottom explaining what she could see. Never again.

Pumble Thu 14-Mar-13 21:13:58

This seemed like a great idea to me until DH effectively delivered DD2 at home himself!

Thankfully it didn't put him off smile

amothersplaceisinthewrong Thu 14-Mar-13 21:15:59

I had my DH at the HEad end of DC1, and a consultant and 5 student doctors at the Business End witnessing a Ventouse Extraction.

I wanted my DH head end too, until I was in full blown labour at which point I was pretty oblivious to what was going on anywhere other than within me. He saw everything and the doctor had him hold the baby's head as she was delivered. I'd written him off as someone who wouldn't be able to cope with the whole thing, but it meant everything to him to be part of the process and he definitely appreciates me more now.

I wouldn't set everything too firmly in stone, birth is a life changing experience and an element of flexibility is definitely helpful. Birth plans aren't terribly helpful as you get the birth experience nature gives you.

MirandaWest Thu 14-Mar-13 22:50:30

I have no idea where XH was when the DC were born. Should ask him some time I suppose.

MirandaWest Thu 14-Mar-13 22:50:59

He was obviously in the same room as me - I mean I don't know exactly where he was standing grin

NatashaBee Thu 14-Mar-13 22:58:00

I didn't want DH down there either, but the nurse asked him to hold my leg while I was pushing. So make sure you put it on the birth plan so everyone knows he should stay away from that end! I was worried that DH would be traumatised/ pass out at the sight of blood as he usually does, but in fact he was fine.

RatPants Thu 14-Mar-13 22:58:10

Put it in your birth notes and perhaps advise the midwife at the time if you both feel strongly.

We aren't a toilet door open couple either grin but DH ended up at the business end during both my (luckily straightforward and poo and instrument-free) labours and said it was a beautiful thing for him (certainly not for me!) and it hasn't put him off that region at all, as evidence by ds2 if that is what you are worrying about.

INeverSaidThat Thu 14-Mar-13 23:08:56

I think this is a great plan (depending on your preferences of course). My DH viewed everything for the first two DC (tears and on all fours.........it can't have been pretty sad ). We both decided, quite casually, for him to stay at the head end for DC3. Much better and much more dignified.
He also declined to cut DC3's cord. He didn't fancy doing it and it didn't have any meaning to either of us.

I would love to watch someone give birth.

KenDoddsDadsDog Thu 14-Mar-13 23:16:08

LikeCandy grin to the pub quote

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