Having your mum with you when you're in labour. Personally I can't imagine anything less helpful!

(85 Posts)
TepidCoffee Thu 14-Feb-13 17:26:11

But it seems the norm? (based on extensive viewing of OBEM).

Don't get me wrong, I love my DM dearly, but she worries so much and I find it stressful. Plus I would hate the idea of giving her an eyeful <boak>. I'm an awful prude grin.

Jojobump1986 Sat 16-Feb-13 04:30:11

My mum was a health visitor before having children, a gynae nurse throughout our teenage years & has relatively recently changed jobs to being an obstetric theatre nurse. There's basically nothing that could happen while I was giving birth that she hasn't seen before but I still didn't/won't want her there. She's lovely & would do whatever she thought would be best for me but that's not necessarily what I think would be best for me & she's basically the only person in the world that I couldn't bear to shout at if I felt I wasn't being listened to!
I'm glad she wasn't at DS1's homebirth. I think the concept of hbs makes her a little uneasy & the midwife made noises about transferring. DM would've been encouraging us to go but I strongly suspect that moving at that point would've slowed things down & put DS in danger. I'm hoping she might come over to look after DS1 during DS2's homebirth but DGM is v unwell at the moment & DM is her carer so it's all a bit up in the air. I think she'll secretly be a bit relieved if we didn't call her over - she'd hate being in the house but not knowing what was going on/be involved!

TepidCoffee Sat 16-Feb-13 08:32:44

Yy Jojo - my DM used to be a midwife! Many, many moons ago. She recently tried to start a conversation with, 'have you thought about squatting to deliver?'...

But I ran away screaming with my fingers in my ears and sat in a corner rocking till I'd recovered.*

*This is not true. I just felt like doing it.

exoticfruits Sat 16-Feb-13 08:50:12

I would think that having a mother who was a midwife, or working in that area, would be the ones that you want to keep away!

SucksToBeMe Sat 16-Feb-13 08:56:10

I thank god my mum was with me!! I had pre eclampsia and DH can't speak any English. I had a EMCS,so mum kept me calm with a few stern looks when my lips started quivering!

MrsHBaby3 Sat 16-Feb-13 10:13:31

My mum wasn't invited to dc1 or 2, but asked her here for dc3. I think we're closer now. I like the idea she can help out wirh kids, an annoying mw or a scared hubby.
I agree abt the being shy bit though (I don't even want DH to see the action area), but I intend for waterbirth so hopefully noone will see my Fairy!

I might have my mum there for the next birth. I don't know if OH could go through that again! Plus she's done it 7 times so has really been in every situation!

fathergoose Sat 16-Feb-13 13:27:00

I don't get it either: why why why??? Nothing to do with her I'm afraid, as much as I love her: the baby was created by DH and me (the old adage of how she wasn't there when it 'went in', so she won't be there when it 'comes out'!). Just think it sends out totally the wrong message about the relationship between the parents if the GM gets to muscle in: almost seems to prioritise the relationship between the mother and the GM over that between the mother and the father, which I think is wrong.

OddBoots Sat 16-Feb-13 13:59:00

My mum was there supporting me and dh at the birth of our children, fathergoose. There was no muscling in, if there was then I'd feel different about it, she encouraged dh when he was scared. There are so many factors in terms of personalities and relationships.

My DM has been a nurse, midwife and health visitor but all over 20 years ago. We didn't even discuss her being at DSs birth, well only that we all (DM, DH and I) thought it a bit weird that SIL had her DM present for all hers.

We did ask her up for DD1s birth as we planned a homebirth and we asked her to be there to look after DS and take him out and about if necessary. She agreed on the basis that that was all and we didn't expect her to 'do' anything to do with the birth. As it turned out she happened to be there when DD1 arrived as a coincidence. She had popped downstairs to ask what time DS usually gets up in the morning. She stood quietly in the doorway and just watched as I caught DD1 and brought her up to the surface of the pool.

She later told me she was so proud of how I was so calm and in control (DD1 was our second born before arrival self delivery).

We provisionally asked her to be child care when I had another homebirth with DD2 but when it came to it I was an inpatient for the last month and a half of my pregnancy so it was DH and me in hospital sad instead.

exoticfruits Sat 16-Feb-13 15:42:30

I can't imagine that many men want their MIL there- I see it as a private event for the couple.

Chunderella Sat 16-Feb-13 16:42:34

My mum was there when DD was born and I couldn't have done it without her. I hadn't initially planned for her to be there. At my NCT class, they said it was a good idea to work out in advance who'd go with who if eg baby needed to go to special care and you were in theatre. As my mum has had 4 CS, she knows pretty much everything there is to know about them and so DH and I thought that if that were to happen, he'd go with DD and my mum would stay with me (also I was quite frightened of having to have a CS and really wanted to avoid it if at all possible). So we weren't planning for her to be there in the delivery room, which is where I gave birth. But I ended up with such a long and exhausting labour, when she came to see me I asked her to stay- looking after me was a 2 person job, as it turned out!

You should be able to have whoever you want as a birth partner, TepidCoffee. Just be aware that you might change your mind once you're actually doing it!

notcitrus Sat 16-Feb-13 18:03:41

I only know a couple women who had mothers there, both had practical mothers and rather useless husbands!

I was hugely glad when my mother said she'd be abroad at the time. Though as I was premature she rang nearly every day from 23 weeks in case I'd had it...

5madthings Sat 16-Feb-13 18:12:47

Good god no way would I have wanted my mother there!

But when I had my 5th, dd, my ds1 was at the birth as he wanted to be. I said yes but that he had to be quiet and I may change my mind. As it was he sat quietly the whole time, then cut the cord once dd was born and I have amazing photos of him holding dd at minutes old. But he was there to watch, dp was there to support me.

exoticfruits Sat 16-Feb-13 19:40:59

A husband will be useless if his wife and MIL edge him out!

I had both my mum and DH with me when I had DD. I was induced at 36 weeks for IUGR and thought it would take a long time. We hadn't been to antenatal classes and I didn't think DH would be particularly helpful, but knew my mum would be (she used to be a midwife a long long time ago). I'm very close to my mum & I feel more comfortable veing vulnerable in front of my her than DH. I also wanted someone there to look after DH!

It was great having her there. She was really supportive and it meant so much to her to see her first GC being born. Her own mother died when she was a child and I think she feels that she missed out on sharing things like getting married/having children with her own mother and wants to give me what she couldn't have. She's an amazing grandmother and she's always telling me how well I'm doing as a mum and never offers any unsolicited advice. I'm so glad I could share DD's birth with her.

MrsMargoLeadbetter Sat 16-Feb-13 19:56:43

My DM joined DH and I at 7am aftet we called her as planned. I'd been in labour since 1am.

DH was my support, but mum was helpful in the background. Then once DS arrived at 8:42am, DH was able to go home to sleep leaving me with DS and DM.

It worked really well. I also love that she was there to see the arrival of DS.

Hope a repeat with DC2 in June but thinking labour will be even quicker etc so not sure if it will work out.

dondon33 Sun 17-Feb-13 09:51:06

Mine came in with DS1 along with ex-h. I asked her to come as I was scared (I was 17) I also thought ex-h would be useless. She didn't interfere and mostly stayed in the background but was there when I needed her at my side.
I would have happily have had her present for 2 and 3 but she had other idea's - while she loved seeing her first GC enter the world, she vowed NEVER AGAIN, she couldn't cope with seeing me in so much pain and not being able to do anything.
After being present myself at a birth (my DSis) I can quite understand where my DM was coming from, as I felt I would rather be the one giving birth than watch it (I know I'm strange smile)

PuzzleRocks Sun 17-Feb-13 09:57:01

My Mum was present at both, I w

ShhBoom Sun 17-Feb-13 09:57:03

I had my mum & DP with me. I wanted her there as she knew what is was like, and while DP tried his best, he didn't really have a clue.

She wasn't there for the birth as I had an EMCS but she was amazing throughout the labour & I'd definitely have her there again!

My mum and my sister have been there through all 3 of my labours, although my last one she refused point blank to come with me saying she couldnt do it again. She popped in to say hello and see how I was getting on and baby just kinda popped out grin

PuzzleRocks Sun 17-Feb-13 10:08:25

My Mum was present at both, her experience (5 children), and her riotous sense of humour were what got me through. I wouldn't have had it any other way. It means the world to me that she was there, but then I always knew she would be; my sisters had her present at some of theirs and as I was at the birth of my niece I got to see how much she helped.

She helped me shower when I could barely stand after each delivery. Only my Mum could have done that. DH is amazing but I wouldn't have wanted him to see me that vulnerable, not least because he faints at the sight of blood.

Viviennemary Sun 17-Feb-13 10:12:38

I agree. My mother would have been the last person I wanted. In fact if I had my time over again I don't think I'd have anyone I knew.

Catchingmockingbirds Sun 17-Feb-13 10:13:04

Mine appeared when I was in labour, the hospital phoned her to get in touch with dp as I had used her phone to call the midwife before I went in and for some reason that was the number they saved for DP. She just invited herself up and sat in the delivery suite, the midwife said that only one birthing partner was allowed with me (ie DP!) but she just sat there and didn't leave. I was too polite to ask her to leave but I wish I had just said to her. She just sat there the whole time doing nothing, occasionally complaining about being hungry hmm.

Pricklypickup Sun 17-Feb-13 10:15:03

My mum asked if I minded if she sat quietly in the corner for both of mine, because she said not being there while her dd was in pain was more than she could cope with.

I was unfussed and so was dh. She sat in the corner didn't say a word had a quick cuddle after dh and I and then disappeared for 48 hours. So that was why she was allowed to do it for the second child!

PuzzleRocks Sun 17-Feb-13 10:17:48

DH was glad to have my mother there, but then they have a great relationship. He stayed home with DD1 second time around so I had my Mum and eldest sister.
Nothing intrusive about it at all, my Mum is a brilliant grandmother and would never try to overstep boundaries. People don't fit neatly into boxes.

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