Child birth humiliations(187 Posts)
Il start, after telling my midwife I needed to poop and her reassuring me that she'd checked and I was clear and it was a normal sensation. I did 1 il always remember that moment more than when DS was actually born. Worse still my dp had to clean me up. Soooooo cringe.
You lot are hilarious! Luckily for me, the only bit of my labour I cringe remembering is when the midwife invited my husband to see my 'anal pouting'. (I think it's the same thing someone upthread experienced.) He also sounded politely interested and I remember thinking 'we may never have sex again'.
Sozzzle That made me laugh! I'm sure it wasn't so funny at the time though
Had a C/S and when was allowed up to 'mobilise' took myself off down the corridor to the bathroom. Felt a bit strange walking along but was happy to be up and doing. DH was with new DS in my cubicle.
I didn't come back for aaaages and he started getting worried. Asked a member of staff if they'd seen me, nobody had, someone started checking the bathrooms on the ward.
Meanwhile I had passed out in the loo (was sitting on it, passed out flopped over and slid onto the floor on my face), with my arse in the air and lochia everywhere. Arse facing the door. I woke up as they had a janitor break into the loo, his horrified face as he gazed at me is seared onto my memory.
i got stitched in theatre under a spinal after my baby was born. The anaesthetist was very nice and told me I wouldn't feel anything after what I'd been through. Then he said not that I know what it's like, I told him it was like shitting a pineapple backwards and fainted off the bed.
I farted in the midwife's face. She stopped what she was doing, looked at me and said 'thanks for that, my mouth was open!' Luckily she saw the funny side of it!
Thanks for making me laugh, needed this thread tonight.
I only remember snippets of my last delivery, all of them make me cringe a bit.
As I lay in the bath in the labour suite I heard my dh ask the mid wife "What time do you finish?". "I'm still here" I quipped. Poor (innocent) dh was mortified.
I also remember asking Dh if I could bite his hand. He let me. It kind of felt good.
As I was wheeled off for an EMCS 16hrs and 10cm of hypnobirthing later I was so away with the fairies I kept begging for a tummy tuc whilst they were at it.
Then on delivery of my 10lb 15oz (yes really) ds the very funny and very camp anesthetist took one look at the baby being held up and said to me "I'm so glad that was not a vaginal delivery"
Ooh, congrats to you too Unreasonable - oh, Rarely of course !
We sound like minded
I started reading this thread, but 3 days post-section, I fear I will burst my stitches from laughing too much. Ow! No shameful stories to tell
I have no dignity anyway.
Hey you ! Be proud - you just had a gorgeous baby didn't you ?!
I obviously have no shame - I yelled my head off having both my two. (not at same time !)
Then afterwards (with DS) when I went for my shower the midwife wanted to prove to me that the water pool had been unavailable as the room was being re-decorated.
So we walked past the said room and I quite brazenly said hello to the decorators. It wouldn't have occurred to me to feel the sort of embarassment others are talking about - I was on a labour ward after all. I get to call the shots ! I did think it was a bit of a weird idea from my midwife though - I'd probably rather just have had my shower
Sounds nice to have your baby in a small place Janine - I'd have just been dying to show DS off to the other two Mums. Anyway, huge congrats on the birth of DS3 Hope all is going well for you all in these early days
These are so funny! DS3 is 5 days old with a 3 hour labour and I can remember every second.
After the midwife thinking I was about to give birth in the car park, me insisting I couldn't stop pushing and making a hell of a racket, I discovered I was only 7cm. I announced loudly several times I needed to poo until the midwife eventually said "yes, I think you do". Several loud pushes later, with her trying to, ahem 'help it out' with tissue , I shouted very loudly "If I can't even push a bloody poo out, how the hell am I supposed to have a baby!"
5 minutes later DS was born.
The thing that is most embarrassing is this is a quiet birth centre in a victorian building (think echos), and the post natal ward is only across the 5 foot corridor - with only 2 other ladies there, there was no hiding my shame in the morning!
This thread is brilliant!
All the poo stories are making me glad that I got the runs earlier on in the whole process while I was still at home with my TENS machine. Saying that though, having contractions and pooing at the same time is never glamorous no matter where it all happens.
I managed to bite DH during a particularly strong contraction before the midwife had turned up to show me how to sort out the G&A. By the time I was being stitched up and having a painkiller shoved up my bum I was wired on Lucozade and coffee, bobbing my head along to 80s classics on the radio.
EasilyBored I weed in the loo and flushed only for a midwife to tell me I SHOULD have done it in a cardboard container and showed her. She didn't seem overly fussed though.
Actually feeling really traumatised and crossing my legs at the thought of sex happening on the wards
Ah, this thread has made me giggle!
Thankfully no poo experiences with DS, but I did at one point turn round to a crying DH and scream 'I CANNOT deal with YOU being LIKE THAT, right now!' which the consultant thought was a bit mean, and only made DH cry more. When they put me up in stirrups and told me I needed a forceps delivery I tried to climb off the bed explaining that I had changed my mind and didn't want to have a baby any more.
I also got the joy of the suppository after birth. The consultant said 'I just need to check your anus now, and pop in a painkiller, it will really help' and I yanked myself up the bed a bit and asked if it was really going to hurt. I had just had a forceps devilery, episiotomy and a world of stitches so the consultant was a bit like no, in the grand scheme of things, this wont hurt.
Did anyone else have to wee in the cardboard basin afterwards, and leave in the toilets, so the midwives could see it? Apparently some women are so scared that they lie to the midwives and say they have been for a wee when they really haven't
Oh dear God this thread has had me crying with laughter. Not sure whether I am looking forward to or dreading going into labour now!
I would give good money for gas and air. It should be free just to cheer people up. My best bit was rolling round on a birthing ball shouting "these contractions are fucking brilliant" to a bemused DH. That bit didn't last long though.
I got to have a toot recently when I went in to see my DSis' new baby. Lovely.
Oh dear pixwix, I almost pooed myself laughing just now reading your contribution.
<wipes away tears and checks sheets just in case>
This thread has had me crying with laughter! I was very pleased with myself for not pooing myself when I had dd but I'm now 20 wks with dc2 and wondering what will happen...
These stories are hilarious!
Mine is nowhere near as funny, but I became rather unreasonable during my labour with DS1 regarding what I was allowed to drink. I wasn't allowed food as there was a chance I would need an EMCS, so after 15 hours of induced labour with nothing but water, and being off my face on G&A and having an epidural in, I threw a bit of a hissy fit and demanded, in a whiny child voice that I be given lemonade. DH and DM asked the MW and got a no, which led me to whine a bit more about orange juice - another no. DH said I started whimpering and he came up with the idea of giving me warm water as a change, to which I apparently gave a big sigh and a contented smile.
Also, the team who eventually arrived to take me to theatre a few hours after the drink incident were most surprised to find me totally chilling out and had to wrestle the G&A off of me to sign the release form. DH said I was so laid back that the whole team were having a chuckle at my big goofy grin and wobbly head nodding.
I only agreed to give birth again on the understanding that I could be off my rack on gas and air. Legal highs, yummy.
My otherwise-lovely-but-very-woo home birth MW brought the G&A with her but by sheer force of personality persuaded me I'd be better off without it and left it in the living room while I ended up doing the whole thing on two cocodamol and a lot of bad language (oh, okay, and an attention-seeking live birth fred ). I bet I wouldn't have cared so much about the poo on gas and air. [bitter]
I should have told put my foot down but was too scared to and didn't want to beg for it or otherwise make a scene, apart from the obvious one of crapping,naked, in a giant paddling pool my own home in front of a complete stranger.
God forbid I'd have needed the diamorphine...
I had G&A and an epidural. 'Twas great
There are meds they can give you in your IV drip, I believe. But most people just go for the epidural or nothing.
We only have gas and air at the dentist, for some reason.
I think, though I may be wrong, that they do offer some kind of pethadine equivalent.
No G&A? Is there any alternative? Or is it epidural or nothing?
This is really making me wish we got G&A in the States. Sounds amazing!
dingdongbelle your West Wing story is BRILLIANT. Husband and I are laughing like drains at it.
I went into shock after DD1 was delivered and couldn't stop shaking. The midwives were wonderful about it and put me on oxygen. I kept asking if they had got the afterbirth out yet as I just wanted them to stop piddling around down there... The MW gently informed me that they could only deliver the placenta if I opened my legs again...
When DH turned up at the labour ward for DS I got a hold of the
throat shirt collar and screamed "where the fuck have you been?" at him
Almost knocked DH out with the entonox breathing tube as I was waving it around like a loon and had to have it gently taken away!
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