Mumsnet Talk

My DD was born at 34 weeks and I had a very traumatic birth, we were both quite poorly afterwards and had a lengthy hospital stay etc. Whenever I hear or see people on the TV who have easy births and are immediately handed their newborn baby I feel really really envious, obviously I am pleased for friends when things go well for them but I cant help but feel that I somehow missed out due to the trauma that me and DD went through. I am sure I am being very foolish but just wanted to check out if anyone else feels like this???

Sorry you had such a hard time.

No not envious exactly, more sad that I didn't get the opportunity to enjoy those first few hours and days afterwards. I just wanted someone to take DS away after he was born - that makes me feel like I lost something important that I'll never get back.

Remember TV is heavily edited though, like OBEM - I have photographs of me holding DS at a few hours old and I look smiley and fairly normal, which was a long way off how I actually felt.

Sorry to hear you had a difficult time.

You're not being foolish. You had a difficult, traumatic experience and your response to it is entirely natural and you shouldn't deny your feelings. What I think makes it worse is often (very well-meaning) people saying "but you and your DD were fine in the end so that's all that matters". It isn't.

I didn't realise how scarred I was by DS's birth (which was less bad than yours as at least he was at term) until I had a really good birth with DD. If I had my time over I'd think about counselling to talk me through my feelings about his birth.

If you think it might be helpful, the NCT run a helpline for people who have had challenging experiences of pregnancy, birth and parenthood which is open to members and non-members that might be able to help:
Shared Experiences Line - tel 0300 330 0774
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday,
9am – 3pm

Yes I feel like this and it's only when I read your post I thought that is me! I actually feel like I have to justify my epidural (classic cascade of intervention) as I was induced and had syncto drip, baby monitoring with the clips on the head, gave in to epidural after about 8 hrs not progressing ending in forceps, epistiotomy,2nd degree tear and two blood transfusions.

I spent the first few weeks either in hospital or feeling like I'd been run over. I still feel like I failed, feel guilty as DD's heartrate dropped and I couldn't push her out without assistance. I would never wish a bad experience on anyone but don't want friends who have natural births to think I 'failed'.

I replay it in my mind a lot and think what might have happened if i had refused induction and waited. Although I am overjoyed to have a healthy baby I just feel I failed my daughter at the beginning of her life and definitely feel envious of natural births too MadameJ

I don't feel like i could admit this in real life but writing down makes me realise how the thoughts are running through my head.

I know if I was reassuring someone else what I would say, it doesn't stop me feeling like this

wmy birth wasn't massively traumatic but my son was taken to the neo-natal unit straight after teh birth and I didn't get to hold him for a couple of days. When we got out of hospital I would sit and watch one born every minute and cry and cry when they showed people holding and feeding their babies straight after the birth. Unlike the rest of my NCT group I don't have that magical picture of me and my husband with our freshly born child. He didn't get to have delayed cord clamping or to be put straight to the breast...

so, yes, whenever these photos pop up on facebook or I hear about people with amazing problem free births I do feel jealous. I don't get so upset by it as I used to but that's because I told myself to stop worrying about something I can't change.

dearbagpuss, apart from teh induction and the bloodloss what you describe is pretty much what happened to me.

You are not being foolish at all and I too am sorry for what you went through. I certainly experienced similar feelings, I still get the occasional pang when I see the classic 'new mum and baby' pic because I never got one with dd, first I was too poorly and then she was.

Have to say though, this has got easier and easier with time until it barely crosses my mind now (dd is 8, I would say for me it started getting significantly better after she was 18m-2y). I would completely recommend some sort of debrief chat like the poster above mentioned, I had one with the Birth Trauma Association and it really, really helped. link

Take care.

Yes - I felt like this for a while, but it has faded over time as DS has got older and the whole birth less important.

Still can't watch 'One Born Every Minute' though....

I have had 5 babies in all..all have been born prem, one very much more so than the others. TBH I am not fazed by those who have perfect births, for some it happens and some it doesn't.. I enjoyed so much more the time with my babies once they were allowed home. I feel I maybe appreciated it more as I had spent a long time apart from them iyswim x

I am in exactly the same boat as RufousBartleby....

And OP you are NOT being foolish!

You are not being foolish at all.I have two traumatic births and never saw either of my sons till they were two days old.It did not affect me at the time as I was ill as well, but now when new born baby and mother pics are all over the place I begin to think I missed those first hours and days.
My sons are grown up now and I've done a load of living since then so I suppose that, to me, sort of makes up for it.
Hope you soon feel better.

Yanbu - not a traumatic birth but my son was rushed off straight after birth due to low blood sugars and oxygen levels. I got to hold him for the 5 seconds it took for them to take a pic of us, and then they rushed him off. I was allowed to stay in the hospital for the week that he was in NICU, it was great to be near him but absolute hell to be on a ward with other mums who got to have their babies in their room with them. I also watch OBEM and wish i'd had a simple birth like that!

YANBU at all. My birth is all over the Ragged Bits thread - a catastrophic train wreck. For months after, I felt like there were two parts of me - the part that wouldn't wish this kind of birth on the worst person in the world, and the part that hated, and I mean deeply, intensely, bitterly hated anyone who had a straightforward birth.
Deep trauma of any kind leaves you with bits of your brain that are broken. Those bits may heal or they may not. It may take therapy or it may not. One day, your brain may simply move on from the trauma.
I don't feel the way I did any longer. If someone tells me she had a lovely birth and can be utterly happy for her and deeply sad for myself at the same time, so I suppose there are still two parts of me.
Be gentle with yourself. I am so sorry you had a hard time.

YANBU.

When DS was born they asked me if I wanted skin to skin and I said "no, I don't want to hold him, give him to DP" The thought that I didn't want to hold him after he was born makes me so guilty I cry.

He's only 4 months now and sometimes I end up in hysterics at the thought of the birth, I actually begged my DP to kill me when I was in labour and I meant it.

Definitely cOnsider seeking help for these feelings. I had a traumatic birth with DD1 and got PTSD to extent that when I got pregnant with DD2 I told them in no uncertain terms that unless they said I could have a section I was having a termination. They agreed but also offered me CBT. I had weekly sessions including something called EMDR (google it) and the effect on me was phenomenal. (plus intensive support from head of delivery suite) 4weeks before DD2 was born I changed my mind and opted for a vaginal birth with early epidural. 4weeks ago I gave birth to dd2 in a perfect 3hour labour on gas and air (epidural was sited but crash section meant they had to take it out but honestly was fine without it). Anyhow I can honestly say all my feelings such as those the OP described have vanished. Was my DD's second birthday yesterday and for the first time it was a proper birthday celebration not a horrible reminder of the anniversary of her birth &worst day of my life.

YANBU i had my DS 6 days ago and was exactly the same as dearbagpuss except i didn't need a blood transfusion as only lost 800ml but i was so out of it i couldn't hold DS for 45 mins because i had to have a spinal and was so out of it on morphin when i was given him i kept asking for him to be taken away because i felt like my arms couldn't support him and kept falling asleep, MW kept trying to hand him back saying 'hold your baby hold your baby' and didn't seem to understand that id love to hold my baby but i was scared to hurt him. I also asked for help BF and was left 5 hours befor someone came by that point i was feeling so ill i couldn't do it and DP had to give him a bottle so i missed giving his first feed.

It took me until DP was sent home 6 hrs later to actually feel a connection with DS once we were alone. Luckily we got out of hospital the next day for family reasons so i've been able to get that connection i didn't feel at first but i am still gutted i didn't get those first few hours or that rush of love

Hi, you are definitely not being foolish, I think it is hard. Shortly after birth my youngest son was terribly ill, bluelighted to another hospital without us. I used to pop out of the neonatal unit for a walk and want to scream when I saw parents with their babies in prams, instead of wired up in cots.

But, the feelings have lessened. I found as those memories have become smaller and more distant I don't feel very much jealousy or upset anymore. I have also seen a birth trauma counsellor and this helped a lot, I was able to really dwell on my sadness/anger/fear for a while, then move on. I think this worked better for me than continually trying to pull my socks up (my family's preferred approach to all emotional issues!).

Really sorry you had such a tough start, hope all goes well from here and enjoy your baby.

YANBU. I secretly wish hideous births on everyone! I am insanely when they have a good one and try to be pleased, but am secretly hoping they have an awful time breastfeeding or something else goes wrong for them. I think it makes me feel like a failure whenever I hear of great birth stories.

I was in hospital on my own till I got to 5cms, because they didn't believe I was in established labour and wouldn't measure my dilation as my waters had broken. I was shouted at for being sick in the sink. I was given an epidural at 9cms at around 2am (despite asking for one at 12.30am). My poor body was contracting like mad, and no-one was helping me to push or checking how dilated I was, or where the baby was. Eventually with change of shifts at 7am, the new midwife came on and was great. But I had to get pumped with whatever makes your contractions stronger, and I had to push without being able to feel fully or have any pushing sensation. In the end I had episiotomy and forceps delivery at 10.30am. I had a 3rd degree tear and had to leave my baby to go to theatre. I got terrible bed sores and didn't heal 'inside' for a good 3 months.

I feel very relieved when I read posts like this. My labour/birth/ first few months have not been at all as I imagined and I feel like a horrible human being for feeling so jealous of others. I spent a month in hospital with my son and I remember nearly bursting into tears every time I saw a smug Dad wandering into the maternity ward with a car seat to take their healthy cherub home. After the trauma of having complications it seems unfair that we also feel guilty on top of it all hey?

YANBU at all. I felt the same way after my birth - really good friends would tell me about their birth experiences, and my head would know that I should be really happy for them that it went well, but my heart would be screaming, "I HATE you and I HATE that I had to suffer"

I had trauma counselling, but if I'm honest, the only thing that helps is time - I needed a lot of it to move past my experience and to stop begrudging others their's.

I don't think you are being foolish at all, I know exactly what you mean.

It's funny, I probably felt more envious of other people's 'good' experiences with DC1 who was a home birth gone wrong and EMCS. I felt I'd totally failed by not having a VB and was insanely and silently jealous for about a year over anyone who had managed it (particularly if it was a home birth).

With DC2 who was also a 34 weeker like your LO and who I wasn't allowed to see until she was a week old, I don't feel as envious of that missed experience, just unbelievably guilty and so, so sad I couldn't be there for her when she was so sick and so alone

And I never, ever dare watch OBEM. That would be asking for all kinds of trouble

I know exactly how you feel OP. I have had two traumatic births. After the first one, whenever someone sent through their post birth pictures, I would be scanning the photos for signs of something similar... . Second birth was worse, but emotionally affected me less, I guess because I had already been through all those emotions, but I am still envious when I hear of someone's home birth, water birth, or just any birth without intervention. Especially as I do have some ongoing medical issues following DS2, which are only likely to get worse in the future. Time heals though, as does reminding yourself of what you have and how lucky we are that intervention is available to you (even if it is sometimes too readily given?).

In some respects I don't feel my labour was traumatic now I look back, but I think that is with the rosy glow of hindsight as at the time, and afterwards it bloody well felt it. Despite the fact I know that compared to many it wasn't that bad. However it is only very, very recently that I have stopped crying whenever I hear of a friend or acquaintance having a 'normal' birth, so I guess it affected me more than I thought.

DD is 18 months now, and I am nearly 30 weeks pregnant. There is a possibility I may have to have an ELCS, and while half of me is fighting that thought and wanting the natural experience, to be able to say 'I did it'...the other half is thinking that actually I wouldn't mind.

I' sorry you had such a tough time, OP.

I did feel lie this after my first child was born. I had a horrendously long labour ending in emergency section, and was very poorly afterwards. When I was lying in recovery with my baby in my arms I remember wishing someone could take him away so I could sleep (hadn't slept in days and days). Not quite the rosy gush of love feeling I had hoped for

Time and talking about it (with my family, friends and eventually a counsellor) helped a lot. My second birth was a world away from that experience, too, which was cathartic. I did end up having a section again, but it was calm, serene and lovely. I was in a euphoric state for weeks afterwards, but did feel a twinge of guilt and sadness that i hadn't felt that way when DC1 was born.

You're not alone, anyway, as this thread proves. Do talk it over with whoever you feel comfortable with, and consider counselling. I didnt go for it until DC1 was 18 mths old, but it helped enormously.