fourth time around..im so terrified..whats wrong with me?

[bubblepop]

HI everyone, hope someone out there can offer me some words of advice, i am desperate for someone to talk to, no one around me seems to understand{sad}. When my dd was born 15 months ago,I was happily at home cooking tea for ds1 and ds2 when I started in labour.I was so calm and in control, got husband home from work, and mum round to look after kids, everything was progressing nicely.Then I realised it was time to go the hospital when I was making strange noises with contractions(as you do!!)and my dh saw the look on my face, he knew it wouldn't be much longer before she was born.We phoned the hospital to tell them we needed to come in, only to be greeted by a patronizing midwife, who insisted we stayed at home until contractions where 5 mins apart for at least 2 hours.......I explained the other 2 where fairly quick births (3hrs and 2hours)and that this was the 3rd, and that we where a 10 mile journey away..but still she insisted we stayed put.Anyway,we decided to ignore her advice and set out to the hospital, by which time contractions where coming every 2 mins in the car, just got there and the waters popped all over the seat...but I was still calm but dh was lookin slightly worried! Anyway, gets into hospital and no midwife to be seen, they were obviously busy, had to tell an auxillary to make the bed while I got changed, then tell her to hurry up cos the baby was coming...still no midwife!!
Finally this midwife breezes in,all beautifully made up and looking like an angel..she took one look at me and said'ok,push when your ready'...and thats when it all went horribly wrong...cos i just screamed and screamed the roof down the pain was so bad, they actually told me to stop screaming and concentrate on getting her out...it was truly awful compared to my 2 previous births, when i never even murmered and had just calmy got on with it.What went wrong?i just lost it, completely, and felt so dissappointed afterwards, they may as well been murdering me I was screaming so much!!Anyway, she was born quite quickly after that, not a particularly big baby, but it was mentioned once or twice at antenatal that she was lying side on in the womb..was that it? Now im pg with no 4, its due in dec, and i just can't relax and enjoy pregnancy, it was totally unplanned,im having nightmares and just dwelling on the birth all the time, im so so scared..the doc says i'll probably be too quick for an epidural...what am i to do???Im so sorry to go on and on, promise i won't harp on again in any future threads, but to all you ladies out there, i would love to hear your thoughts. x

[torque]

[shoke]Hi, i know what you mean ,i have 5 children and im a single parent at 30yr. My last pregnancy was great all the way through until it came to thee birth.The midwife actually said to me "this is your 5th so you know what to do ,get on with it ".
To your question though have you ever considered a home birth? you can scream the place down as much as you like hun...

[Lonelymum]

I have 4 and was terrified of labour for each of them. I can't offer you any reassurance except to say that every birth is differenet so there is no reeason that no 4 will be like no 3. Also, I spent nine months worrying abut something that took less than 9 hours (a lot less in No 4's case!) to happen. That is too much worrying! Try to relax, I know it is hard but you will come through it.

[Pollyanna]

bubblepop, I had my fourth in January. I had a really traumatic labour with my third, and because of that and subsequent problems I had absolutely no plans to get pregnant again. I was absolutely gutted when I found out I was pregnant - depressed really, and spent alot of the pregnancy dreading the labour. All I can say is it wasn't bad at all, and I'm glad I had another as it has done alot to heal the bad memories of no 3. Oh, and my labour was really long as well! (with no 2 I just got to the hospital).

I went to antenatal yoga, and tried to relearn some of the breathing techniques I had assumed I would remember for the previous labour - I think that fear contributes alot to bad labours, and if you can be prepared it might help.

[rubles]

Bubblepop,

How often were the contractions after your waters broke when you arrived at the hospital. Was it that the pain of the contractions intensified such a lot after your waters going? Or was it the pain of the head crowning?
Or was it just too emotionally overwhelming and frightening that you 'lost it'?
Did you get entonox?

I thought that a baby facing the side was very common and it didn't take much for a small turn to the back...maybe a midwife could help with that.

It sounds like the attitude of the midwives really didn't help you to relax and calmly birth - you REALLY don't need to be transferring in labour like that and you REALLY don't need to be finding yourself dealing with the auxilliary yourselves.
I think I would second Torque's suggestion of a home birth next time - your labours sound too quick to be travelling about at the last minute, and the midwives won't be disappearing off to deal with other women.

Sorry this is a bit of a jumble of thoughts and questions.

[Pollyanna]

I also discussed the previous labour with the midwife and she was fantastic at trying to avoid the same problems. Oh, and I involved my husband again - he was really crap in labour no 3, but I took him to a active birth course, and made him re-focus on the labour (he knew how awful the previous experience had been for me) - he was much more supportive this time.

[RosiePosie]

I'm expecting my third and terrified about doing it again too. I had an epidural with my first, and a home birth with my second. The homebirth was lovely in all respects apart from the shock and the pain. And the G&A ran out! That was what freaked me out actually. I'm planning another homebirth though, but still terrified about the pain etc. I'm insisting the MW bring extra G&A this time though.

[Stilltrue]

Please consider a home birth. You sound like an ideal candidate. Possibly you "lost it" because nobody was treating you with tlc and attention, which would have kept you calmer and in control. I've had 2 hospital births followed by 2 home births; there's nothing like staying where you feel comfortable, having it all planned and the midwives coming to you rather than the other way round.

[Blu]

Bubblepop - honestly, I'm not surprised you 'lost it' after that amount of anxiety and panic getting to the hospital, and being met with less than supportive help when you did get there. Sorry you had such an upsetting experience - I'm not surprised you are now terrified, you are bound to think about the most recent experience rather than the previous two.

But you can learn from what happened, and make sure you get the calm, focussing support you need, either by staying at home, or going to hospital as soon as you feel the slightest twinge, and knowing that you DO know best, not the people who say 'wait'!

[sweetheart]

Bubblepop - are you a regular on the Due in Dec thread. If not there are lots of us expectant mums there sharing all our worries.

If your not who I think you are come over for a chat, here

[bubblepop]

Thankyou all of you for listening to my moaning!!It feels so much better to get it all off my chest.In answer to rubles question, no it wasn't the contractions, they were quite managable, even after the waters broke.I think it was the head crowning that did it.They gave me the entonox as soon as I got on the bed,but it didn't seem enough,I just can't understand it though cos all I had with ds2 was entonox and I did fine.Anyway, dh is not keen on homebirth although I would be, maybe i can talk him round.The midwives have mentioned it a few times!

[bubblepop]

Second thoughts though, if i had it at home my mother in law would want a ring side seat, don't think I could hack THAT !!!

[dramaqueen72]

LOL bubblepop, I'm who sweetheart thought you were, and I'm currently going thro lots of emotions about having MY fourth too. I Am having a home birth -I too have have quick active labours, infact you could be me- and I also ahd to tell my MIL -and all the other relatives, they couldnt come along. so hence me laughing at your last post........
I am very PRO homebirths right now, having just done all my research, but if thats not for you I suggest you speak up now to your midwife, and say all this out loud to her and her team. every birth as you know is very different so please dont assume this one will be as scary as the last one. glad you found us on the dec thread

[Tickle]

Also expecting my 4th at Christmas/New Yr. Each birth has been completely different so far, but you sound like a quick mover Bubblepop... so a home birth sounds like it might be more relaxing? Surely you could post MIL as chief in charge of the other children - to ensure that you are not disturbed!

I have just joined in on the due Jan thread, as my official date is 2 Jan, but I might drop in on you Dec ladies from time to time!

[Jockey]

Hi, I'm due with my fourth and even though the third was quite a good experience (after 2 not so good) I'm still petrified! I was told not to come in and then only just made it in time to push, but with me the staff were helpful when I got there (although a little annoyed that I'd left it so late!). I agree with what the others have said, we mustn't assume that all the births will be the same and just take it as it comes (easier said than done, I know). Going to try and focus on the good if I can, i.e. the end product.

Glad I'm not the only one having no 4 around here .

[dramaqueen72]

oh theres a whole heap of 'about to be mum of four' ladies
I never knew!!
tickle, yep you could indeed be a dec lady with that due date!! drop in our thread and say hello, we are quite quite mad but lovely, honest

[bubblepop]

what do you all think about me having an induction if there is no medical reason? I know it can open up a whole can of worms, but consultant has offered it on the basis of my rapid labours.It would have to be ARM cos prostin and me don't agree. Any thoughts?

[dramaqueen72]

well no, i guess i dont 'believe' in inductions for any reason other than medical ones really. why would you want one really? i think you should wait it out and trust yourself. but thats just me

[arabella2]

Bubblepop - I too could not believe the amount of pain the head crowning caused when my dd (second baby) was born 18 months ago. Also it had to stay crowned while I waited for the next contraction which was awful. Luckily it was quite quick though. Afterwards I told both myself and dh that NEVER again, and here I am as well, due next March with number 3 (also unplanned) and wondering what the hell it is going to be like. I wish you the best of luck and I think it is true that no birth is alike. I think an induction would make the first stage more painful than necessary...
I know what it's like as well, midwives telling you to stay at home when really you should be coming in. With the birth of my first baby, the midwives were actually quite rude when I got there, giving each other looks like who is this mad person already here because I hadn't had a show and my waters had not broken - was told first to wait in the waiting room. Turned out I was 10cms dilated stupid women (sorry but still makes me angry)... it is quite common for waters to go at the end of the first stage so they obviously didn't even know their stuff and there I was on all fours because of the pain with these two silly little girls giving each other looks. My second birth the midwife was MUCH better and the birth much better as well (apart from not believing the pain a crowning head could cause!) but even she sounded dubious about me rushing in - though I did anyway and she was fine - much more intelligent and mature than the previous ones (though the silly girls did not actually deliver my first baby, someone else did who wasn't that great but that's another story). Both my births have been quick as well - about 5 hours I think for the first one and just over 3 for the second one. I think if you did organise a homebirth, at least you would know who you were getting and would have built up a relationship with her. I would go for a homebirth if it weren't for the fact that I really don't like my local hospital where I would have to go if things didn't work out. Please don't spend a lot of time worrying as I think in the event these things are always different to anticipated and I'm sure with a little planning and constructive thought (ie. birth plan, possibly a home birth, going to the hospital when YOU are ready, briefing dh or anybody else about the support you'll need, or even going on a hypnobirthing course or something like that which I think would be interesting) then I am sure you will be fine .

[mymama]

I had a very similar experience for the birth of my third child. Very painful, very fast 2nd stage and screamed the building down. I still remember the pain and he is 2. I was terrified of the labour through my whole pregnancy and was very negative right through the labour. I think if I had been more positive I would have coped better. Try to remember that every birth experience is different and focus on the lovely baby at the end.

[karmamother]

If it helps, a precipitate abour (ie a very fast one) canbe extremey painful. It's like having the pain of a long labour condensed into a short space of time. It's also common in these labours to be "shocked" & traumatised by it.

I think the option of a home birth would avoid the majority of the probs you had last time.

Good luck.

[bubblepop]

thanks everyone for commenting, its kinda reassuring to know im not on my own with these thoughts

[Redhelen]

Completely understand.

Had a terrible time having ds - and was scared and anxious through all of recent preganacy. My dd was born 4 weeks ago - had a similar rough time in labour (well emergency c-section)- but she is great and I'm glad I did it!

Take care and arrange a counsellor if you can - talking helped me!

[ninah]

dq I thought this was you too for a moment!
hope it goes well for you bp. I'd avoid inductions, personally unless going v overdue.

[Blue4Pink1]

Bubblepop, I understand you completely. My fourth pregnancy followed a six year gap and for some reason i worked myself up into a state of dread .....
I dont know why - none of my labours were bad ( according to medical profession) they were all ok -ish. Lots of swearing never to let me do it again but here i am pg with no.5!
DONT WORRY ....mine was quick - quicker than the others despite big gap and although bloody painful i got through it. The anticipation was worse than reality. This time i am going for a home birth ....hoping that will help me chill! Keep in touch! I do empathise!