How can my son cope with a friend who says they're suicidal?

[wellmeaningdad]

I have a 16 year old son and 18 year old daughter. A friend of my son has confided in him that he feels suicidal, what should I advise my son to say to him? So far I have told him to try and get his friend to talk to his parents, but I'm trying to think if there's any other advise I can give. Or indeed anything I should do (without of course knowing how serious the issue really is, and given that my son's friend will probably not want him to have told me and his mother about this).

A bit of back story: a friend of my daughter's committed suicide when she was about 16, ever since then she has been paranoid about friends being suicidal - to the point that a boy managed to sexually assault her by saying that if she didn't do what he wanted he would kill himself. I would really like to handle this better this time!

[Shallishanti]

difficult for your ds. I think his friend has confided in him because he wants help- and that's quite a burden to lay on him- especially if he asked it to be kept secret. It's not a secret your son can keep (as he's recognised in telling you). I think he should talk to his friend about how to stay safe- and either he should contact eg a counsellor himself or allow your ds to do so. The issue with your dd- try not to let that influence you.
Your ds could also talk to the samaritans himself.

[Ineedanewone]

If you know which school this young person goes to, please contact them and ask to speak to their child protection teacher. They will treat your concern in confidence but it is better to raise a concern that may amount to nothing than to ignore.
Think of it like grabbing an unknown child's hand if you thought they were about to run into the road, you would act instinctively.

[wfrances]

do you know the parents ?

[wellmeaningdad]

Many thanks for the good advice. We know the parents only slightly (just to the level of saying hello if we meet them), and unfortunately are unlikely to see them for a while - we only meet at school events and of course it's exam season now. So not easy to casually ask after their son. However, good news - apparently he has arranged to see a school confidential counselor early next week, my son says he spent some time this evening convincing him (via online chat) that this was the right thing to do. I think my son's realised that his sister made the mistake of trying to solve her friends' problems herself (there was rather more than the one incident I mentioned above), and I've praised him for realising that recommending professional help in a supportive way was the right thing to do when things are this serious.

Any more thoughts welcomed...we're really lucky that our son will talk to us when things get difficult, it is sad that there are so many teenagers who suffer from depression but feel that they can only talk about it to their peers - who simply don't have the experience to deal with it.

[wellmeaningdad]

P.S. forgot to say that we will of course try to discreetly talk to the boy's mother (his father, from the little contact we have had, has been a rather difficult character to talk to).

[OneDayWhenIGrowUp]

Your son (or you) could ask Samaritans to contact him, or preferably encourage him to contact Samaritans himself, to be able to talk about his feelings in confidence. If he wants to contact them, he can call on the phone, or text or email if he prefers. A lot of younger callers prefer to contact by text. They will contact third parties by making phone calls to them if you provide contact information too.

Being under 18, Childline can help too - they are more specifically set up to offer practical support to young people with suicidal feelings, where as Samaritans is a listening service and does not offer practical advice. The confidentiality policies are slightly different though.

[wellmeaningdad]

Thanks, good thoughts. I will see if my son can suggest it - my past experience has been that it may be important that his friend doesn't feel his trust in my son has been broken by my son talking to us, so we'll try to keep communicating through that path if possible as long as it's working and my son doesn't get stressed out by it.

I am proud of my children for wanting to help out others in trouble - although I do sometimes wish they'd spend the same effort on their own lives! (Particularly as we're in exam season again...) I'll have a look around to see if there is any guidance for teens as how to tell if their friends are really in trouble or are 'just' attention seeking...any pointers welcomed.

[Shallishanti]

yes, you should be proud of your son (and yourselves for doing a good job ). I went to a training session this week with these people
www.livingworks.net/- they were strongly of the view that anyone who talks of or even hints at suicide should be taken seriously, they are a Candadian organisation, but they have this link
www.livingworks.net/ for young people in the UK.
I hope the friend does indeed go to the counsellor, and then your ds may feel a bit less responsible.
all the best

[Ratbagcatbag]

My dss has a gf (both 15) and she threatens about 4 times a day, dss mum went to school with all copies of messages and spoke to relevant people, dss gf now getting increased help.

[anthropology]

Hi, your children sound very caring. no-one can judge if someone is serious or not, and as another poster mentions, all threats should be taken seriously . Your son is doing the right thing by encouraging his friend to speak to family or someone with professional experience.

As a mum whose quiet sensitive DD did attempt suicide, and we missed the signs, I wish a parent would have warned me her friends thought she was unhappy/unwell. Its a difficult call, and a difficult phone call, but try to imagine what you would want if it was your child, or certainly speak confidentially to the school as there are likely other indications he is not coping and they can contact the parents without implicating your ds (although my DDs school decided not to pass on their concerns for confidentiality).

However, you should say to your children that should someone contact them who is threatening to take their own life in that moment, they/you should call emergency services . My DD has had to do this before.