Need to talk about my daughter

[cantheybeserious]

My daughter is 16, a couple of months from turning 17, is very bright, has tons of friends, but the last couple of years have been very hard for her. She's had a difficult relationship with her father that they both seemed to be past, starting when she was about 13; he had a lot of anger problems (stemming from his previous job that he hated) and some awful things were said in the heat of the moment (I hate you, I wish you weren't my daughter etc). My daughter started to cut herself off from him, and would occasionally talk to me saying that I didn't listen to her, that she hated herself, and then in the last few years that she wanted to kill herself. She's also had problems with her self esteem; from Year 10 onwards she started skipping PE lessons, and sometimes the whole day at school because she told me that she didn't want anybody to see her; she would simply refuse and become quite hysterical if I tried to persist. Recently, though her relationship with her father is better, she's been getting worse; she skipped other lessons at school(she's now in sixth form), for apparently no reason; she simply switches from being perfectly fine to being almost terrified. I drove her to school happily chatting and when we reached the car park she decided she couldn't get out the car and had what I would describe as a breakdown until after two and a bit hours I walked into reception to explain, where they sent me to pastoral and I was handed a bunch of counselling leaflets. I then discovered at home with my daughter that she'd already been having counselling at the school since Year 10 (two years ago) and that 'she's fine'. I took her to the doctors again who has referred her to CAMHS this month, but now she's telling me she's absolutely fine, and she's not skipping lessons anymore. I didn't know what to do- so I read her diary. I feel terrible about it but I was worried about her. In it she's described feeling like she hates herself, especially her own body, that she wants to be thinner, that she blames it on her dad for cutting down her self esteem, that she doesn't feel pretty like the 'other girls' at school, and that she can't control how she feels. She's written that she can start the day completely happy and end it wanting to die, and vice versa, and she doesn't know when she'll feel like this again, only that she can't stop herself.

I honestly don't know what to do. I don't know how to help her.

[CunningAtBothEnds]

She needs to attend camhs. She has some issues that much you can see. Whilst it cant be easy to read her blaming her father, i'm sure most people would agree with her, that those events will have had an effect on her, and the justification that you make for your partner seems a bit off. He is after all the adult. Perhaps relate / family counselling for the both of them / all of you would help. In the meanwhile if at all possible, getting your daughter to choose to attend the camhs counselling would be the best thing for her. it just depends on how good of a relationship you have with her? Can you think of anyone she would perhaps confide in? do you think she is at immediate risk of harm?

[cantheybeserious]

I have a very good relationship with her- her father works until 7pm or later so much of the time it's just the two of us. Her father doesn't know about the CAMHS referral as she asked me not to tell him- she says that he's happy and she doesn't want him to be worried, and while I'm not happy about this I don't want to go against her wishes. My husband has apologised in the past but these events did carry on for a number of years anyway. I know my daughter was very hurt by the things he's said but she's not the type to talk about it to anyone especially him. She thinks that telling him how she's felt will upset him and she doesn't want this. I also think she's scared of being labelled 'crazy' if she goes to the referral, and at the moment she does seem fine; why worries me is how quickly her mood can change

[cantheybeserious]

She doesn't want to bother him both because she's afraid of what his reaction might be; whenever he's gotten wind of things like missing school or feeling upset in the past he has responded by being angry with her because he doesn't understand she can't help it. I think it's a combination of this and wanting to avoid him being upset by it all; she thinks not telling him will mean he will be happy and she can deal with things by herself. I know she's felt very bitter because as I said this has been going on since we was quite a small child, and its only now she's older she's realised he shouldn't have acted in this way and resents him for it, which is of course confusing for her because she loves him. She's also worried about what to expect from CAMHS as she seems to think of it as an interrogation where they'll be trying to trip her up as much as I've tried to reassure her

[BetteDavis01]

Your poor DD . My heart goes out to her. Your 'DH' sounds like a vile, nasty man, picking on an innocent, vulnerable child.

You also played your part by enabling him to emotionally abuse her. You should be ashamed of yourself. Why didn't you get her away from him?

[cantheybeserious]

I know there were times I could have done more, but in our house arguments happen and are then forgotten about in half an hour; my husband had the same upbringing in his family though I know this isn't acceptable. I love my daughter, I hadn't realised or didn't want to realise how it was affecting her, but for the most part she too acts like a perfectly normal 16 y o, she doesn't come home crying everyday, she just can't control her feelings when hey switch so rapidly. If I had felt that a split would have been best for my daughter I would have done it, but I know she would have simply blamed herself for supposedly breaking up the family, and she herself thinks that wasn't an answer anyway when these events were far in between. They have not had a serious argument in months. The issue has turned from her father to her opinion of herself, which seems to sway from rock bottom to immeasurably hopeful. One thing she mentioned at the GP when she was speaking was that she feels that while her dad and her self esteem are problems, what she doesn't understand or can't control are her mood swings. Just to clarify- she's been referred to CAMHS for an assessment/possible CBT (which she's researched and thinks is a waste of time

[BetteDavis01]

Clearly the arguments were not forgotten in 'half an hour'. Your DD must clearly still remember them and the cruel words have taken their toll on her.

It sounds like the poor girl is trying to muddle along day to day but inside, her heart is breaking and she is in a lot of distress. I really feel for her.

You owe her an apology. I think you have minimised your 'D'h's behaviour . I sincerely hope your DD gets the support she needs.

You need to recognise your part in all of this too. Sounds like a toxic household.

[dearlordwhathaveidonenow]

Okay, so the OP has admitted her husband said a lot of hurtful things to their daughter- there's clearly a dialogue between her and her daughter, and we know this has affected her daughter, we don't need to attack OP. She's come on here for help- her daughter sounds like she's been hurt, tried to get help for herself via the counselling, but this clearly hasn't worked permnently. I think it would be overlooking to say this is all the husbands fault- her daughter has said herself that what worries her is not bein able to control how she feels, and what worries me is like the OP how quickly her moods seem to change. She needs to write this down and talk about it to CAMHS, at best it might be nothing, at worst it might be a mood disorder. How is she feeling about it now?

[Antaresisastar]

Good grief, I was about to post asking for advice/help about a similar issue with my dd, although not related to her relationship with dh.
To describe the family as "toxic" is at best unhelpful and at worst likely to put the OP,and others, including me, off ever posting again.
BetteDavis01, in my experience familes have arguments. Normally apologies are offered if upset has been caused and people move on. Sometimes there are other things going on which even the most loving and vigilant parents fail to spot early enough. I think you have been v harsh on the OP.
I will have to think long and hard about posting my worries here.

[lincsmum]

I'm in exactly the same position Antaresisastar. This was my first visit to mumsnet as I'm sinking in an effort to cope with a depressed 15 year old daughter. Some of the comments are not helpful at all. Trying to establish what is "normal" teenage behaviour and what isn't is a minefield. she has gone downhill very quickly and been referred to CAMHS but I feel so wretched knowing that it hasn't been "quick" at all. She has suffered low level bullying throughout secondary school, which has resulted in rock bottom self esteem. She has made friends but they always turn on her over the silliest things. She feels she always comes second to her 17 year old sister and no matter what we say this thought persists. She has a good, loving home and has been supported in all her activities. She goes to a very good school and hates it. My heart aches for her. Just writing this down has helped.

[Sijeunessesavait]

I'm a little late to this discussion, but hope that my own experience might be of some help to those of you trying to support teenage daughters suffering from depression.

I posted on this thread last summer, so won't fill up this thread by repeating everything again here. There are some lovely posters on that thread and it's helpful to know that others are going through similar experiences. My DD was bullied for several years from the age of 9 or 10, but we didn't know about it until she was in the sixth form ... teenagers are so secretive. She too had counselling at school of which we were unaware. In fact, until she refused to go to school one day in the lower sixth we had no idea that there was anything wrong at all; from that moment we were catapulted into a situation of which we had no experience and no warning, which culminated in my DD, then 16, taking an overdose and being admitted to an adolescent psychiatric unit for 9 weeks.

Some of the things you mention Canthey ring loud bells with me - low self-esteem and what is described as 'invalidating childhood experiences' are very typical of borderline personality disorder. Even if that is not her diagnosis, you might find this book useful as it has very clear advice about how to communicate with someone whose emotions change from one minute to the next (which is so typical of 'normal' teenagers). I hope you and your DD will get the support you need, and please feel free to PM me if that would be helpful.