What to say/ not to say to a parent whose child has depression

[Innismhor]

Most of our friends have been amazing, but every so often someone says something that is just so unhelpful I wish I had never told them. Like these:

"It's surprisingly common you know - lots of young people go through this." (I know they do and that's really terrible but doesn't make it any easier)

"A year is a v short time in a persons life." (A year is forever for someone who is struggling to get through each minute.)

"So apart from that how was your summer?" (Everything else is completely trivial compared to the pain we're going through.)

"You need to tell her to get out and socialise more." (WTF!!!)

And some things that do help:

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"You need to look after yourself."

"So how are you feeling?"

Anyone got any more?

[Mynewmoniker]

Sometimes people will just avoid you because they are scared they don't know what to say.

Perhaps the 'unhelpful' remarks are at least proof that people have reached out a hand to you.

Have you tried the wheresyourheadat site for support, Innismhore? Sorry; I haven't a clue how to link.

[Innismhor]

Yes I agree - a lot of people just don't know what to say. I'm interested in my own reaction to understand more about how I can listen to others in future.

Another thing I really appreciate is when someone comes back to me on a later date and asks me how I am. Almost no one does that but it means so much. I guess that's also because people don't know what to say, though at that stage I don't care what they say - they've shown they care just by saying anything at all.

[Mynewmoniker]

I don't mean to be this to be a trite question as any ill member of a family shakes up the dynamics but how is your daughter's depression affecting you?

[Innismhor]

I'm fine, though worn down by it all. I'm all too aware that if I hadn't been able to offer the right support over the past few months my daughter might not still be alive, and that's pretty scary.

I'm also getting a bit frustrated by all the things I'm not able to do as life is on hold so I can be here for her. Much of the time she doesn't need me but I can't plan anything just in case.

[Mynewmoniker]

Sounds tough. Where do you get your support Innismhor? Does your daughter have the number of the crisis team so you might be able to 'stand-down' a little?

[Innismhor]

She's been given various numbers but hasn't wanted to use them. She has a good GP and is on ADs and CBT. I'm coping, really I am, and she's showing signs of getting better. But we'll all need a good holiday when this is over.

As to my support, I get it from all the wonderful friends who listen to me and don't downplay it but just listen and understand.

[Mynewmoniker]

Ye. I think I read somewhere of people who were seriously in in hospital and unable to communicate verbally. They said the most helpful type of visitor were the ones that just sat there holding their hand. They didn't need to chatter on.

So here's me. And no doubt other MNs, sat with you, holding your hand until things are better.

[Innismhor]

Aw thanks. That really helps. Got a card through the post today from an old friend sending hugs. It meant the world.