I'm having the screaming hab-dabs!!!!!

[wantslotsofbabies]

Please can someone help?
Dad has dementia and I have just discovered that he has been hiding really important mail eg DVLA, etc since last year.
I have temporary respite just now as we are snowed in but he keeps phoning me up DEMANDING rather nastily, that I bring this and that plus he now wants to do all his paperwork.
I'm not kidding but there are stacks of things to go through, some pretty complicated and I have no idea how to do half of it eg tax.
The thing is that an Independent Advocate has been telling him he has the capacity to manage his own affairs but I know from looking after him that he can't. Receipts have been hidden/destroyed when he pooped in a bag in the cupboard.
I have a tiny baby, a little one with special needs too but find I am being torn in every direction.
Where do I start?

[southeastastra]

bumping for you, hopefully someone with knowledge will be able to help you soon.

sounds like a nightmare situation for you.

[betterhalf]

Can social services not be involved and find him some help so as the pressure isn't all on you, especially as you have a young child of your own with special needs?

[claricebeansmum]

Has he signed a power of attorney or do you think you can get one? Someone needs to be in control of his affairs.

Where is he living?

And why have the DVLA contacted him -presumably he is not driving?!

[3littlefrogs]

You are entitled to a carer's assessment. that is - an assessment of what help and support you need to enable you to are for your father. You are entitled to this in your own right as his carer. If you google carer's assessment you should get links to information that can point you in the right direction. You should get a named social worker who can help you through this.

Sorry - i am rushing out now, but will check back later. So sorry you are going through this.

[jeremyspants]

Thany you all for your posts.
I am his POA but social services decided to despute this..god knows why. Things have been so awful with s.s. that I had to formally complain. Social worker was a bully and a liar.
I have asked for two years for a carers assessment but s.w. said it was not important.. And yes I have asked for another sw but am not getting one. Stuck with bully boy.
Dad is not driving now but mad that I told DVLA as he still THINKS he can drive. I have hidden the keys. The bloody independent advocate is putting him up to this but now SHE wants the documents! Why?

[jeremyspants]

Sorry, changed name. I don't think I could cope with lots of babies.

[3littlefrogs]

Have you been in touch with Help the Aged, or Crossroads, carers' gateway, age concern, NHFA? I don't know where you live, it is a post code lottery as to what help you can get.

I know what you mean about SS. You can get someone really good, or they could be hopeless.

Do not part with any legal documents.

You might consider getting advice from CAB.

Sadly - I have found the NHS absolutely useless in this kind of situation. Once they have ticked all their boxes/targets etc, they shove it all back in your lap.

Is the GP any good? Could you get a psychiatric assessment? So much depends on whether you are lucky enough to get a sensible person on your side.

[jeremyspants]

I have been in touch with umpteen different organisations but had little joy with any of them. They tend to put you in touch with other groups which SMACKS of buck passing.
I have written to the GP asking for a psychiatric assessment and a lady from a mental health carers group is going to come out this week but apparently dementia is not seen as being a mental illness. (!)
I cannot ask for a carers assessment for my child as I would not let the sw near my children. He is ruthless.

[3littlefrogs]

The carer's assessment is specificlly to assess your father's needs, to make it possible to provide help for you, because you are his carer. It has nothing to do with your child. Sorry if I didn't explain that very well. It is just that you cannot find the information unless you look for it under the heading of "Carer's assessment".

Presumably this is yet another ploy to make it as difficult and time consuming as possible for people looking after elderly realtives to get any help.

It all comes down to money, and the people who hold the funds will do as much as they can to obstruct those needing help.

Is it worth getting in touch with your MP?

I feel so sorry for you - it is a nightmare. It usually takes a crisis such as a bad fall or something to get any help.

[jeremyspants]

Many thanks 3littlefrogs. I had asked for a carers assessment as my child is registered disabled.
I have a wonderful CPN and she is now looking at alternative ways of having an assessment done. There are many services available in our region for carers but we need to be assessed first. ( Catch 22)
My MP has been very supportive and has written to several bodies...some of them have been ' economic with the truth' and have had a tendency to spout policies.
The biggest hurdle is the fact that my father is lucid some days but confused on others..I have asked for a psychiatric assessment to be carried out and cannot fathom why this has never been carried out before now?

It is my belief that this sort of problem is not just localised but on a National level too.
I have every faith that things will pan out eventually but it seems to take so long.

[3littlefrogs]

Oh gosh - poor you - so sorry i didn't realise about your baby. Now I have re-read your op, I am even more shocked that you have a bully boy SW and no proper support.

IME the people who shout loudest tend to be the ones who eventually get some help. But it shouldn't have to be that way.

[jeremyspants]

We manage really well with the children -we just took everything in our stride and, naively, I had no idea that I was deemed as being a carer, I just thought it was one of these things.
I feel my child's life could be so much easier for her if we were able to access some of the help available but all roads lead to this horrible social worker, it seems. - this is typical of a bully to funnel everything towards him, ergo he holds the reins.
I feel really positive after the CPN has offered to help by finding information relevant eg organisations, help groups etc as I have found accessing this info really difficult.
Many thanks 3littlefrogs and I will let you know how things develop.

[3littlefrogs]

In some areas the SW gets moved on to a new caseload every 6 months. Annoying if you get a good one, but I can see that if you have got a really bad one, it might be a blessing. Have you any idea if that might happen in your area?

[jeremyspants]

Just a quick update.
We are snowed in AGAIN and I had a phonecall from the home where my Dad is staying temporarily. ( It was too risky having him here over winter in case something went wrong and the doc could not get through).
Dad loves it so much in the home that he has decided to stay.
Part of me wants to put up bunting and whoop with relief.
In a way, I'm glad that the decision has come 100% from Dad and that he feels safe and happy.
Heaven forgive me for saying this but we can now start concentrating on our own little family now instead of being run ragged by my Dad's demands and the seesaw nature of the dementia.

[3littlefrogs]

Oh thank goodness. That is good news.