Moral dilemma re. agoraphobic mum and moving house

[roseylea]

Here's a moral dilemma for you to ponder...

We want to move house this year. We have some great options - we want to move to somewhere we will stay for the whole of the dcs' childhood hopefully, so we are looking at both primary and secondary schools. There are some excellent ones in the aresa we are looking at.

However...

My mum is in her 60s and is agoraphobic. She will go out, but not on her own. She gave up work 2 yrs ago and doesn't really go ut much in the day any more unless I take her shopping. She goes to a big church but they don't have any day groups. She's very proud and perfectly capable, apart from the agoraphobia. Most of her acquaintances don't even know she has it. She can drive, but again not on her own. She has told us that she really would like us to move to being within a taxi ride of where she lives.

However...

The schools round where she lives are really not that great and we don't really like the area anyway.

My gut feeling is that we can't sacrifice the dcs' opportunities in order to be a taxi ride away from her. The areas we like are about a 30 min car drive away. Is this being selfish? What do you think? What would you do?

Offloading moral dilemmas onto other people is great! Seriously, I'd love any honest thoughts. We are hoping to narrow down our choices of where to move to in the next week.

[moondog]

No,I don't think you should plane your life around her agoraphobia nor should she expect you to.

Can she not prebook a taxi when it is time to see you and one of you give her a lift back?
Just for the record my dh works abroad but comes home often and a prebooked 100 mile trip from manchester airport costs £60.

[roseylea]

hmm, thanks for that.

She has never ever moved house since she was 5 yrs old - she took over her parents' home when they died, and she is so rooted there that I don't think she can understand how anyone would choose not to live there! (iyswim).

If we moved somewhere 30 mins away I'd still make sure I popped in a couple of times during the week and that we saw her properly at the weekend. My dad still works and they are a very happy couple and do lots together so it's not as if we are her only support. My sis really does live a short taxi riode away and is not ever going to move either! (I come from a very 'rooted' family!)

[WanderingTrolley]

Is your mother's reliance on you exacerbating her agoraphobia?

She may not be the sort to benefit from a "Tough love" approach, but if you're not there she may find other ways of getting out and about.

Sorry if that sounds harsh - obv if you didn't care about your mum you wouldn't be uncertain.

Trust your guts!

[moondog]

Oh gosh,didn't realise your dad was still in the picture!
Even more reason to go.
If she comes over,then he can accompany her surely?

I think you are incredibly loyal (a little too loyal?) contempalting three visits a week.
What about your family??

[colditz]

You absolutely shouldn't plan your life according to a phobia your mother has. Sounds like she has plenty of support.

[roseylea]

Thanks for that.

Yes I am very loyal - I have always been v. aware of the agoraphobia. She had v. bad PND when we were all little (I am one of 3) and it wasn't recongised / treated and it kind of solidified into long term agoraphobia. We are all v. protective of her - perhaps too much so. My dad is certainly v. protective of her.

How would you broach the subject that we might not live down the road from her, when she keeps giving us details of houses there?

[moondog]

You just say
'Look Mum,we have decided to move to because of X,Y and Z.'

Listen to her moans,explain how being this far will not make any difference (good grief,my parents have lived 10 000 miles away from me for most of my life and we have an excellent relationship!)then get on with your planning.

DON'T FEEL GUILTY!!!

wHAT DOES YOUR DH THINK ABOut all this?