Help! Dad just moved into Sheltered Accom flat with extra care is refusing care and being aggressive. A meeting has been called for tomorrow, WTF do I do??

(12 Posts)
pippop1 Wed 23-Jan-13 17:30:59

A friend told me that when it's difficult to cope with (and like me it's a MIL so I guess that makes a difference) she tries to think of it as if she is running an interesting experiment so you say this and then this happens.

I also read a bit of a website called Contented Dementia which puts forward a theory of how to treat someone with Dementia. I believe it's quite a controversial approach though.

whataboutbob Wed 23-Jan-13 13:20:09

pippop thanks so much for your words of support you obviously know what you are talking about and I am girding my loins to be quite insistent with the bank. Battle no 72. Dad's at a tricky stage where his capacity to make good decisions and manage his affairs is seriously impaired, but he can still function in some situations and notice changes. But I know I'll eventually have to do all his accountancy stuff.
SBM you have acted well beyond the call of duty. I obviously don't know your Dad but from what you say he is incapable of making sensible decisions, he does not want the things any rational (I think the medico -legal term is "prudent") person would want for himself. He cannot live independently and therefore has to be moved to a place of safety adapted for persons with similar neurodegenerative conditions and behaviour.
I have found that sometimes it is most effective to strip the situation from all its emotion and just think and act as would someone who was not so involved.
I also think at some level, these very changed persons are still our parents and some part of us still wants their approval. It is therefore upsetting to be met with aggression when trying to help, but really you have no need to feel guilt.

pippop1 Wed 23-Jan-13 11:21:20

It sounds really mean to change his post but you are doing it for his own safety and good. As you have the POA it is actually your responsibility to do such things.

We also had to have the bank do lots of paperwork above and beyond the registered POA. They wanted us to bring my MIL into the bank so they could ID her, we were unwilling to do that (she is somewhat physically disabled and dislikes leaving her home) and they then said they'd do a home visit to ID her, and charge her for it I think.

The thing is that she's not been into any branch for a few years so no one would know her anyway, doesn't have a passport or driving licence.

My DH (her son) was extremely insistent, and fairly polite, that we had all the legal paperwork so they can't really deny him the ability to look after her money. We also countered with their neglect of their customer, for example there were substantial amounts that were earning less than 1% in interest and had been for some years.

After a v stressful meeting in the branch all worked out well. We would happily have change banks otherwise and have moved some money into better paying accounts elsewhere. This is DH's duty and would be her wish in the past when she was well.

traintracks Wed 23-Jan-13 04:31:34

I wonder if this is lewy body dementia, you don't have to answer but if I am right it can be very difficult behaviourally. You are not unusual in feeling that you want to walk away, I think all those.caring for am elderly parent feel that at some point. Sounds to me like he will be heading to residential care whether he wants it or not. Has his capacity been assessed?

SinisterBuggyMonth Wed 23-Jan-13 01:28:26

Sorry its taken me so long to get back. Unfortunately despite the meeting going relatively well he is still not behaving and basically being very nasty to the staff. The assistant care manager kept calling to update me, I basically fell apart last week and got on the phone to a charity that specialises in Dads illness, they were brilliant and phoned back the manager and asked them to only inform me about medical emergencies, and talk to his social worker instead. He has asked to be moved somewhere else, its a shame because its a really nice flat but he calls it a prison. His Social worker is going to try and get carers in who specialise im his illness. He has no insight at all, I got him a new fridge, he has left it in the living room and refuses to plug it in, or let me do it. Then he puts food in the communal fridge, leaves it there and has a go at staff when they throw it out, then he gets agressive with them. Its just stupid stuff like this that cannot be sorted whatever I try. I am just thinking I have to see him and just chat about mothing to try and keep him happy, but I yearn to just walk away forever. I cant be the only one who feels like this can I?

whataboutbob Tue 22-Jan-13 19:20:37

hi pippop yes the POA is registered but Dad's bank have not yet given me permission to write cheques out of his account. They have all the paperwork now so I should be able to do it soon. It's been slow and not helped by the fact that they are sending all correspondence to Dad's house, where it gets lost in the big black hole of chaos there. As soon as i can write cheques I'll pay HMRC. Eventually I too will have to get post sent to me, but I'm not looking ofrward to that step as Dad enjoys getting mail.

pippop1 Tue 22-Jan-13 18:40:02

But Whataboutbob, if you have POA you can pay the bills with his money on their behalf? Perhaps your POA is not activated? I think you need to register it in order to allow you to use it and then you can just get on with paying the bills (or change them to direct debits if possible).

We do this for my MIL (pay bills and so on). In fact we are just in the process of getting her post to come to our house, via the Post Office, as we found we were missing out on things that she was meant to do and ignoring and we didn't find the correspondence in time.

The post office form allows someone with a registered POA which is certified by a solictor to do this. It's the same kind of thing that you do when you move house.

whataboutbob Tue 22-Jan-13 16:32:45

Hi SBM sorry to come in on this 2 weeks late. I'm a few steps behind you in this difficult process. My Dad still lives at home with alzheimers and is becoming increasingly confused. Now lacking insight and refusing to let me do things that are clearly in his best interests- like pay his bills for him (out of his account, I have POA). He gets angry and aggressive when I suggest stuff he doesn't like the sound of. He also lives in squalor.
I just wanted to say- I am realising that you can do so much, but if people are clearly indicating they don't want to follow what you know is sound advice, want to continue doing dangerous/ unsanitary stuff even though you have set up structures to help them be safer- then you can't do any more than that. I am at the point where I am contemplating, for my own sanity, pulling back and not being so involved. I know this may precipitate a crisis, but I can't do more than I am doing.
I marvel at people whose parents are planners, who do their own POA paperwork, put money aside for care and openly discuss care homes with their kids. My Dad would do none of the above in a million years.
So we are doing our best, but we also have, at some point, to think of ourselves.

pippop1 Tue 22-Jan-13 15:36:39

Do you have Power of Attorney for him? I'm fairly sure that you need it in order for someone to go into a care home so maybe you got it for the sheltered place? There are two kinds, Health and Welfare and then their's Financial

If you have them or can get them you have more power and I would imagine that SS can allocate him a care home if he won't comply with the rules where he is.

Hopefully his dementia is not too advanced to understand that? It sounds nasty to "threaten" someone in that way but you are then giving him a choice.

How did the meeting go?

SinisterBuggyMonth Tue 08-Jan-13 14:03:41

There is only me. He wont even let me tidy up. But yes somehow, I will probably have to try to. I've moved him out of 2 properties before, both of which he trashed. It took weeks to clear out, sifting through stuff I really don't want to do again. Its selfish of me but I really don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired. And I have a 2 y/o.

As for medication, thats difficult as he has just moved so needs to get a new Doctor. I dont think his old Doctor would see him again. The one time we saw a Specailist the advice they gave was that drugs to calm one sympton would exasibate another. And Dad was very quick to say he has never suffered from depression. Unfortunately having lived with him in my childhood I know different, I should have said something at the time.

iseenodust Tue 08-Jan-13 13:39:00

Your Dad has just been through this upheaval and is probably still resentful at the loss of independence. I think in the short term possibly you or another relative are going to have to go in weekly to tidy/clear the junk to stop it accumulating.

The aggression is harder as it will be linked to his illnesses. You may have to consider a GP appointment to explore medication.

SinisterBuggyMonth Tue 08-Jan-13 13:32:43

I thought I'd sorted things after 2 years of battling I finally got my Dad Sheltered Accommodation. He's lived in real mess and squalor. He has a progressive neuro disorder, elements of dementia, parkinsons, depression (don't really want to say the name because theres been some upsetting stuff written about it on mumsnet).

We moved him into this lovely place 2 weeks ago, theres a restaurant which is brilliant as he doesn't manage cooking and carers there all the time incase he falls (which he does often). However it was on condition that he accept the help with personal care and cleaning, which he said he would. He hasn't. He is now apparently being verbally aggressive to staff (he has been aggressive to me before, but no one else, I honestly thought he wouldn't to anyone else, feel bloody guilty!) and refusing them entry to the flat. And the flat is turning into a tip very quickly because he doesn't tidy of chuck anything away. Part of the tennancy agreement was that he would keep his flat and the corridor and communal area tidy, which he hasn't.

I'm going for a meeting there with the Manager, his Social Worker and Dad tomorrow, however he wont answer the phone to me so I cant even let him know its happening, I asked the carers to let him know. I've no clue what to say, or what will happen. I can't honestly see him changing, his favourite words are "I can't/ I won't" but if he doesn't I don't know what will happen to him.

Sorry this is so long, has anyone had experience of this? I'd like to know what the next step is and how to try and ensure Dad stays were he is this time, which is probably the nicest option.

And breath.....

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