Anyone with young children also supporting a mum with alzheimers?

(36 Posts)
sadiemcgradie Fri 13-Jan-12 21:14:47

I hardly ever visit mumsnet but I can't seem to find anyone in my and my sister's situation. We both have young children (mine are 2 and 5, my sister's are 5 and 10). Our mum was diagnosed with alzheimers and vascular dementia in june 2010. She lives 60 miles away. We spend the day with her every tuesday, thursday and we stay with her every weekend. We organise all her finances, hospital visits, social life, clothes, washing etc. We have a brilliant system and me and Nicki both do 50/50 but it's the prospect of life being like this and getting more intense for the next 5-10 years, supposedly the best years of our lives, that is the killer.

Obviously there is always someone else who has a bigger burden so I don't mean to complain but I do sometimes feel very isolated and depressed by the added responsibility.

We have tried to get her to move near to us so many times - she won't move. You can't reason with someone with dementia either, it's not her fault. Obviously we could get care in but she doesn't have any physical problems and it would ruin our good relationship with her.

Anyway - just a shout out I guess - and wondering if there's anyone else out there in mumsnet land with a siimilar situation.

sarah2312 Fri 27-Jan-12 09:46:14

No personal experience but friend's DF has a system from his local health authority, which is a monitoring system. It's to do with the telecare/telehealth that the government are talking about. It has lots of monitoring systems to help with at home care, eg door alarms to prevent him going walk-abouts as well as lots of other things.
He is widowed, but with help from carers, she and her sisters manage to keep him in his comfortable environment (at home) and away from a care home.

sadiemcgradie Mon 27-Feb-12 21:22:08

Thanks can'tremember - just checked this thread today so hadn't seen any posts after mine on the 24th jan. I think you are right. It is a horrible thought. But true. Treasure these relatively good times...

royguts Tue 25-Sep-12 15:28:21

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nickyhug Mon 28-Jan-13 13:40:43

Apparently there is going to be an Alzheimer's Show taking place in London, 19-20 April, where there will be loads of people to talk to, questions time sessions with leading experts including doctors, lawyers etc as it can so hard to find someone to talk to or information that useful to your situation.

makati Fri 01-Feb-13 22:13:14

My mum also has Alzheimer's and vascular dementia and I have just started to look for a residential home for her. She currently lives in sheltered housing but is so lonely, despite me visiting daily and carers three times a day as well. So hard to know where to start-no one seems to want to recommend any where. GP no help, social services not really interested as she will be self funding so just sticking a pin in the long, long list and starting visits.
I don't have any siblings and I think my DH is a bit fed up with it all...

Dom2 Fri 08-Feb-13 13:19:59

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BarbJohnson5 Sun 17-Feb-13 20:23:52

My mum has dementia and diabetes, which combined together makes it a tough job as it is. She has had memory issues before being diagnosed, but we didn't know until after the diagnosis. My younger brother and i care for her, but she too is very stubborn and argumentative as well as very untrusting of outsiders, so will not agree to any help from outside. It is very hard on us as we both have families, and young children. Fortunately, we don't live too far from my mum. I've had to pick her up from the police station, city centre etc because she's gotten confused about something or another. It can be quite taxing on us, because of the demand of taking care of her. We now have her attending a club 3 days a week, so we get a break from her wandering the streets and ending up in ridiculous places. Its not the answer, as the clubs won't run forever and as she gets older(she's 88 next wk) it will get worse, and will boil down to us finding a care home for her although she would rather die at the prospects of being in a home. I also feel guilty if she does as i promised her that we wouldn't put her in one. I wish there was more support for her and us, but there isn't much around at the moment, so we soldier on....She is our mother...

whataboutbob Sun 17-Feb-13 21:26:17

Hi All- I am in a similar position, my dad has diabetes, alzheimers and a few other charming conditions. He's a widower, and lives with my brother who has severe depression so at the moment is not able to provide any support for dad, but in an odd way Dad gets something out of brother being there. Even though he's crippled with depression right now and does nothing.
Anyway I've spent the last 2 years like a headless chicken, dealing with one problem or crisis after another, either father or brother related. Finally at my uncle's urging, I started going for counselling and have realised I can't carry everything. I know that although my Dad (who doesn't have much insight) would staunchly refuse to consider a nursing home, when the time comes this will need to be arranged as I cannot care for him till the end of his life. And I hope i won't feel too guilty (and neither should you) as this is a very difficult situation which increasing numbers of us sandwich generationers are in. We do our best but the demands are endless and we also have to think of ourselves, that is not unreasonable/ selfish- and it's only taken me 8 months of counselling to realise that!

schnoodlemum Fri 08-Mar-13 14:51:08

Hi
this is my first mumsnet post! Just to say I'm living through all the dementia grief right now and my heart goes out to all you guys. I have 3 kids and a mum with end stage dementia. It saddens me that we've never seen another child at the care home. What do others do about taking their kids to see relatives?

porthtowanone Fri 14-Feb-14 09:55:13

Hello ,Both my parents have dementia ,they are relatively young ,both in nursing homes ,its a terrible situation to be in ,my kids have lost their grandparents and also I have lost my parents ,my kids don't visit them often,terrible I know ,but I don't force them ,its their decision completely ,its good to know im not alone in what im going through x

mimishimmi Wed 30-Apr-14 21:55:26

My 88 year old grandfather does not have Alzheimer's but as I am his only relative left in my city(still an hour away by train though) and mum can't help him due to her own serious health problems, I will be going into his retirement village that he's just moved into every ten days or so to help him out. He is beginning to show some signs of age related dementia but the truth is that he has always been bad-tempered and manipulative although he managed to keep it under check for a good while. Two years ago it started surfacing again and because of this I won't commit to doing any more than I already have committed to.

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