Dreadfully upset and just lost the plot at a boy having a go at my son

(28 Posts)
ujjayi Fri 23-Nov-12 16:09:25

I hate myself for this but I'm afraid that after 3 years of my boy taking crap from his peers, I have just behaved in a very un-like me manner and had a go at a kid whom I caught in the act.

For some reason, DS (year 8) is one of those kids who just gets identified as the boy whom others can tease, bully and ridicule. I just picked DS up (he walks part of the way home) to find another boy rounding on him and basically ridiculing him. I spotted him doing it two days ago too and DS wouldn't let me say anything. Today I let my emotions get the better of me and marched straight over to this boy and demanded to know what the hell he was doing. I didn't raise my voice but my tone was cold and aggressive. He claimed they were having a conversation, DS - flushed and anxious - agreed and then tells me in the car that he was being made to feel uncomfortable but wouldn't give me the exact details. I left it saying to the boy "just make sure you keep away from him".

I am angry at myself and quite ashamed. I just don't know what to do to protect him. He is in Year 8 and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.

Feel free to tell me I was out of order. I quite possibly agree wholeheartedly. I don't know what to expect really from the post. I just don't know how to help him anymore.

I'm going to say well done.

You intervened without punching the little Shit.

Good!

You didn't do anything wrong. Speaking sharply to a child and warning him off yours might make him wary of doing it again.

You didn't swear or were aggressive, nowt to complain about.

claraschu Fri 23-Nov-12 16:16:04

I know people advise you never to do this, but I have two friends who tackled their children's bullies themselves (because the school was useless). One of these parents threatened to call the police if the bully ever touched her son again. Those bullies were stopped dead in their tracks, they were so shocked by what had happened.
Maybe what you did will actually help.

Floralnomad Fri 23-Nov-12 16:17:14

You did nothing wrong ,and most of us would have done the same or more but what does your son think now ? Will he be worried that your actions could make things worse for him? My son had a terrible existence at school from yr7 to 11 ,when he changed schools. But he didn't want me to interfere, what I should have done is found him another school.

Catsdontcare Fri 23-Nov-12 16:17:44

Good for you, I have done similar and then followed it up with a trip to the head teacher, who took it very seriously and gave the lad a good bollocking.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

TeaBrick Fri 23-Nov-12 16:35:58

It's perfectly natural and right to protect your child, it would have been wrong if you hadn't done so imo.

Runningblue Fri 23-Nov-12 16:40:52

Three years of it? I'd have done just the same. It sounds like you maintained your position as an adult, and that this the important thing. Deep breaths, crack open a glass of wine later x

takeonboard Fri 23-Nov-12 16:46:36

You did nothing wrong, and it doesn't sound like you lost the plot you seemed to handle it just fine.

But something needs to change for your DS, no one should be treated badly for 3 years. Can you move him to another school perhaps?

CuriousMama Fri 23-Nov-12 16:51:05

Agree with the others. You're much better than me, I'd have probably been aggressive blush

Well done.

You don't sound like you lost the plot to me.

But..having your mum stick up for you in front of a bully may not be the best idea, which is why your DS told you not to do it.

I understand your frustrations, Dd was bullied, in the end, because the school was so useless, we moved schools. Is that an option?

Well done, you were calm under the circumstances, probably more so than I would have been.

LynetteScavo Fri 23-Nov-12 17:05:43

Well done.

I actually think I might keep an eye out for this boy, and give him an evil glare if I saw him again.

You have nothing to be angry or ashamed at yourself for.

What are the school doing about the situation?

ujjayi Fri 23-Nov-12 18:36:34

Thank you so much for your words of support. I apologise in advance - now I'm on a roll I just want to let it all out. The adrenalin surge I got when I saw what was happening was phenomenal and I just had to say something.

The history with the bullying is somewhat complicated: one episode lasted the entirety of year 6 in his primary school. DS didn't tell me because he was ashamed of the names they called him (freak, weirdo, pervert, stalker) and they totally excluded him (village school with only 10 students in his year) and tried to cope alone. It wasn't until the summer holidays that he told me what had happened - I had asked him if he wanted a friend over to play and that was the catalyst for the moment of truth. He asked me not to act on it because he was looking forward to his new start and hoped it would all be forgotten.

Unfortunately, one of the little shits decided to spread the word when they got to high school and children that DS didn't even know would come and ask him about specific incidents - with the aim of humiliating him in front of his newly made friends. Fortunately the school were very supportive and acted straight away to ensure these incidents were dealt with. However, there seem to have been a series of seemingly random, unrelated incidents since then a few examples: - He was beaten up by a child for not picking something up (which the child had dropped at DS's feet); he has been humiliated almost daily by another who seemingly sees it as a badge of honour to be told off/excluded. And then two days ago this little toad caught in the act by me and again today. Now DS tells me that he also had his workbook and pencil case thrown from child to child in a lesson today and the teacher only noticed when DS lost his temper and shouted at them all.

DS doesn't want to move school. Despite everything, he wants to stay where he is and get on with it. He is somewhat socially awkward in most situations but is confident academically - participating and often leading class discussion, according to his teachers. They have told me that DS is very protective of a child in his year who has suffered severe emotional trauma which has resulted in severe behavioural difficulties. The school is very good at dealing with all these things but DS hates going to talk to them because he feels "abnormal" (his words). DH and I have tried to give him coping strategies - ignore if at all possible, if not then look them in the eye and be confident but not confrontational.

Reflecting back on my own school days, there always seemed to be one kid who bore the brunt of other kids' frustrations. Sadly, I think DS is that kid. He isn't "cool" or sporty. He hangs out with the drama club and has found his niche there but obviously that is a relatively small part of school life.

I am sorry - I don't expect you to read all of this. It just feels good to get it out there. My greatest fear is that DS will totally lose it one day and go ballistic. He said he really shrieked at these children today and at home he loses his temper over really small things - I am guessing because he feels safe to vent his frustration.

Anyway, thanks once again. I feel better about it now. DS even said he was secretly a bit proud smile.

Chubfuddler Fri 23-Nov-12 18:41:50

You did nothing wrong op.

But the situation is completely unacceptable. The school aren't doing enough and I would be escalating this to governors/LEA. it is simply not good enough that your child, any child, is labelled class punchbag. I understand you provably feel quite worn down by it all, but that tigress that emerged today, you need to let her out, not hold her back.

kerala Fri 23-Nov-12 18:54:35

Go back back back to the school dont be afraid of making a nuisance of yourself. If the head wont act threaten to go to the governors. You did nothing wrong today dont think that for a moment. Your poor son the way he is being treated is not acceptable.

FWIW my sister was head of pastoral care at a secondary school - she tried lots of methods restorative sessions etc. In her opinion the only thing that worked was the victim being calm and stoic and not rising to it in anyway. Standing firm and saying calmly something like "I am not a +++whatever". She found bullies would lose interest if not getting an emotional response.

HoleyGhost Fri 23-Nov-12 18:56:20

The coping strategies you have given him will only work if they are reasonable people, the bullies are not.

Sometimes confrontation is necessary.

amillionyears Fri 23-Nov-12 19:07:07

"DS hates going to talk to them because he feels abnormal [his words]"
Agree with others about coming down hard at school.
If your DS has to speak to the teachers at any point about it all, advise him that actually that is a strong thing to do, not a weak thing to do.

CuriousMama Fri 23-Nov-12 19:13:52

Your poor ds. The school are failing him here imo. Please keep on at them.

Higgledyhouse Sun 25-Nov-12 18:43:00

Well done you! I would have done A LOT worse!! Threads like these infuriate me, schools are sometimes useless and I would not think twice about taking matters in to my own hands if all other avenues were unsuccessful!! Spineless prick could do with a bashing and I hope he gets it angry

carocaro Sun 25-Nov-12 18:59:54

Good for you, I did the same with a child in y3 who was a pain in the arse with my DS, I bent down and told him in his ear to never speak nastily or touch my son ever again, I bore my eyes deep into his and said that it would be hell for him if he every did anything again. I don't regret it at all, I did not tell my DS and all hassle stopped. He's avaoided my ever since! I was sick and tied of the faffing and fannying about of the school, I did not plan it, it just happened, I think I totally scared the shit out of him and I am glad I did. I really wanted to twist his arm up his back like he'd done to my DS!!!

HisstletoeAndWhine Fri 30-Nov-12 22:43:21

I have a similar situation with my DS (6) and a kid who he used to be friends with.

For some reason, this kid turned on him, and has been vicious and vile since the end of Recaption.

I'ver written about 4 letters, one of which was a formal complaint. The kid backs down for a bit, but then starts up, taunting, inciting others, trying to get DS in trouble, filthy looks etc.

I met with the school last year, they suggested Emotional Literacy to help him see how mean behaviour's wrong, and to report this kid for his treatment of him. They sat him by Teacher and the bully could sit anywhere, the lunchclub DS was signed up to was also a form of detention for disruptive kids. DS was in effect punished for being bullied sad

When bullying started up again in Sept, I wrote again. Nothing eas done. Again. I spoke to the kids dad, he stopped, but last week started to hit DS in class, slyly, so when DS reacts, HE gets into trouble.

I flipped, wrote swinging letter demanding boy is removed from the task group, that the bullying stops, requesting governor involvement, and threatening LEA/social services involvement if the bullying by this 6 yo (FFS, 6! Who can't control a 6yo?) doesn't stop.

I now have a meeting next week with the HT, a Governor, and then with the HT and the mother.

What do I need to do? I'm on my own, former victim of DV, former agoraphobic, and a stately homer. I'm so out of my depth here it's not true!

I'm thinking of sitting back and asking THEM to justify their positions, and to tell ME what THEY intend to do to resolve this.

Any thoughts, ideas, insights? Thanks in advance

HisstletoeAndWhine Fri 30-Nov-12 22:44:59

Swingeing not swinging blush

RaisinBoys Fri 30-Nov-12 23:14:49

Well done you! You certainly didn't lose the plot...sounds very mild considering the years of bullying your DS has had to deal with.

I had to tell some horrible little shits that if they so much as breathed upon my DS I would come and find them when they least expected it and I would leave my otherwise reasonable self at home!

Agree with others that school are being useless. Come down hard on them. And keep on at them till they get their finger out.

Well done again. Hope things improve for your DS.

Bless your poor boy for having to put up with this shit sad

I think you were quite restrained. I would be talking to the school again about your concerns about this kid on the walk home and the nasty little shit who instigated further bullying who was at the old school.

Totally nothing to beat yourself up about.

lamoseley Tue 11-Dec-12 18:57:05

I have just read all of this...I completely agree with what everybody has said so I have nothing to add...apart from I was applauding you from my chair!

Well done you! Good luck and best wishes xx

Kenlee Sat 02-Mar-13 23:13:57

Well done....

As a coping measure may I suggest that you first address your childs self confidence . Make him underdstand that we are all different and what makes him is what makes him special.

Second I would enroll him into Martial arts class. Not so he can fight but rather to build his pain threshold higher so he can stand be hit and not cower.

If your child is smart teach him to outwit the bullies using one liners to put them down. If they hit him do not cower but hit back ..do not back down no matter how painful it gets.

Bullies have really low esteem and can be easily out talked. They also have very low pain thresholds.

hope this help...

Im just a ching chong chinaman. That a bully tried to bully at school. He was a fat dirty white kid with hygiene issues.

He was upset that his name calling was ineffectual and started the fight. One palm to the nose as he ran in broke his nose fight ended. Low pain threshold. Note bullies also run in so aim at the nose as they do. If the stand and fight get close enough in and aim for the nose straight punch dont flail your arms like they will.

please let your child read this...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now