dh banned from school playground after dd bullied for two years

(121 Posts)
flabulousdarling Tue 29-Jun-10 12:29:13

Hello everybody, I would be interested in hearing your opinion on this situation. Apologies for the extremely long post.

My 9 year old dd has been bullied for the last two years including kicking, name calling, teasing because of her disability, the excluding of dd and running away from her(she is often on her own in the playground)and having a ball thrown at her head deliberately. Lately there have been two girls who have targeted dd. DD has low self-esteem now and never wants to go to school.

We have complained on and off about this behaviour via letters and meetings but respite only lasts for a short while before it starts again.

After sending a letter to the teacher and receiving no response, and after yet another kicking incident, my dh went in to the school from the playground whilst I waited to pick up our dd's and took them home.

He was outside the classroom when someone called out the first bullies name. He confirmed with the child who they were and said 'Leave dd alone'. He went into the classroom only to find that her teacher (yet again) wasn't there.

As he left, another teacher followed him out of the playground telling him off for what he had done, dh responded saying he didn't care anymore and that the school had done nothing to protect dd. There is no doubt my dh was het up and upset, but he is a shy man and it took a lot for him to go to the school.

He went into the school office to tell the assistant head that he had spoken to the child (there are three asssistant heads as current head hasn't retired yet - we never see him at school though). There followed a discussion led by dh about their lack of action where dd was concerned, whilst dd had bruises on her legs from the kickings they were deemed 'old' and insufficient proof. For all the other incidences there was also no proof so they couldn't do anything they said. These children's parents work at the school and we feel that this may have something to do with the two bullies getting away with their behaviour.

My dh received a letter from the actual head to say that dh was banned from the playground (where parents pick up their dcs) that he had terrifed two children and had used offensive llanguage and threatened teachers. It said that if he was to set foot in the playground again they would call the police. DH is adament he only spoke to one child, the two bullies are best friends though, as are their mums. He is certain he didn't swear, he admits he was upset but didn't shout.

The very next day after the incident the two children bullied dd again at school (if dh had terrified them would they do this?)

I collected dd myself yesterday and there was a police officer in the playground presumably waiting for dh to attempt to pick up dd.

We feel that they are victimising our family as we have found dd another school and they were already aware we are very unhappy about the two years of bullying dd has endured.

We feel they are attempting to smear dh's character. I have requested a meeting with the Head and said that their account is incorrect. However with teachers singing off the same hymn sheet, one of which the Head is having an affair with - (I know this through a teachers friend who used to work there). We feel we don't have a leg to stand on - they are definitely closing ranks. I am stressed but dh is very calm he just says ' I have done nothing wrong'.

The Head who is married, is recommending the assistant head (his lover) for headship next year. It is very hard to take him seriously when he is so obviously immoral and corrupt.

I know that dh shouldn't have spoken to the bully but it was a spur of the moment thing. Our dd has been upset for so long you just feel enough is enough especially when the school has been so unsupportive.

My main concern to be honest is the slur on our family and this account following them on to their next school.

If you have got this far thanks for reading, I really would appreciate your thoughts on this.

FiveGoMadInDorset Tue 29-Jun-10 12:35:02

If they are being unhelpful then perhaps a letter to LEA and the Chir of Governors.

Sammyuni Tue 29-Jun-10 12:36:09

Go over the schools head and report to the police make sure to tell them everything that already occurred provide the bruises on your Daughter as evidence.

Inform the school as they have not taken this situation seriously you have now informed the police and have asked for an investigation.

flabulousdarling Tue 29-Jun-10 12:36:55

I spoke to the LEA and they say I have to go through the school. The Head is on the board of Governors so I don't know if that would be impartial?

flabulousdarling Tue 29-Jun-10 12:39:05

Her bruises are virtually gone now as the kicking (under the table) has stopped - they moved the tables around on Monday

Agree with Sammyuni.

Missus84 Tue 29-Jun-10 12:42:14

Is there another school you could move your children to?

Sammyuni Tue 29-Jun-10 12:42:45

Even with the bruises gone inform the police anyway that way if the situation occurs again you can provide evidence quickly with the police already aware of the situation.

flabulousdarling Tue 29-Jun-10 12:44:31

I have registered her for September for a fresh start, after months of her pleading with me.

Thanks to you all for the advice by the way x

MissAnneElk Tue 29-Jun-10 12:46:57

I think your DH was wrong to do what he did although I can understand why he did it and it sounds though the school are not handling it well at all.

I'd be very tempted to move my children if it were me but if that is impossible then I'd put it all down in writing to the head teacher (with a copy to the LEA). I'd ask them to address the bullying immediately and make it clear that if there is any further assault on your child that you will go straight to the police and ask them to investigate it.

Tabliope Tue 29-Jun-10 12:48:25

Horrible. I've been through something similar - lying heads, closing ranks, twisting things to their end. Shame you didn't go to the police first but then they're under the age of criminal responsibility. What about a strongly worded letter from a solicitor saying if measures aren't put into place to protect your child you'll be suing for lack of duty to care. I'd take her out now and start her somewhere else from September. Reports do follow you - I moved my DS but the frostiness of the new school made me think they all stick together and words had been said between the new schools. All I can suggest is maybe having a frank talk with the head of the new school. They know these things happen and at least you'll get your word so anything subsequently said to them from the old school can be taken with a pinch of salt. It will give the new school a chance to see you and your DH and make their own minds up about you. Good luck. It's horrible. Keep your chins up - you've done nothing wrong.

MissAnneElk Tue 29-Jun-10 12:49:07

Cross posts. If you have already got your DD a place elsewhere for September I'd remove her from school now. Again, I'd put it in writing to the head teacher with a copy to the LEA to explain why she is being removed.

ronshar Tue 29-Jun-10 12:51:12

I would write to the governors with everything you have written here. Including the rumours about the personal relationship between the HT and the other teacher.
Do you have a PTA? Go to them and find out what they think about the bullying and lack of action.

Threaten the Governors witht he local media. No school wants to be known as soft on Bullies. Affects their ratings.

Most importantly give your DD a big hug and repeatedly tell her she is worth a thousand of those horrible toads at school.
Well done to your DH for protecting his daughter. He needs a big hug too.

flabulousdarling Tue 29-Jun-10 12:53:29

I have since found out there's another child who has been called 'thick' by these two children (she has SEN). Their mother (head of PTA) knows the mother of one of these children who works at the school and heard her moan about having the 'dimwits' this afternoon.

I didn't know that you could get police involved with school matters particularly regarding young children, I'll talk to dh tonight.

To be honest I hate confrontation it literally makes my stomach churn - bit pathetic I know. I know I have to pursue this but it's really difficult.

seeker Tue 29-Jun-10 12:55:53

The Head will have no say in whether or not his lover gets a Headship, so that's not an issue.

Heads are always on the Board of Governors - that's standard practice. Have you talked to the Chair of Governors?

What happened when the bullying started? I presume you had a meeting with her teacher and the Head - what did they suggest? Have you a copy of the anti bullying policy? What happened when you asked the school to adhere to its own policy?

Bumblingbovine Tue 29-Jun-10 12:56:01

The head is always on the board of governors at every school but the board of governors should not take sides in this sort of case.

It is one of their reponsibilities to ensure effective school policies are written and kept to. The school should have a bullying policy? Have you seen it? if not ask for a copy.

I would read the bullying policy and then make notes of all the ways that this policy is not being adhered to with respect of your dd. I would then write to the chair of the board of governors (details should be on the school website) with your complaints and a copy of the notes you made with regard to the bullying policy.

If you have gone through all the complaints procedures listed in the bullying policy to complain (ie talked to teacher then Head teacher etc), the governors have to hear your complaint and make a decsion regarding this.

I would igniore the issue of your dh's behaviour, it is the school's attempt to put this back on you. Be very clear about what you want to achieve on behalf of your dd and pursure it ruthlessly

If contacting the governors doesn't end up helping then you need to consider changing schools or home schooling. Your dd should NOT have to put up with this.

jeee Tue 29-Jun-10 12:56:13

Honestly, if your DD is leaving the school, I think that I'd just let it go. There's nothing you can do to stop the school mentioning it to the new school - they can always do it verbally, if they don't want you to find out that they've done it. You'll end up upset, and you won't achieve anything.

I hope your DD is happier at her new school.

flabulousdarling Tue 29-Jun-10 12:57:51

smileat the hugging!

I really couldn't go there with the rumours as a very close friend would never talk to me again.

If I remove her wouldn't i get prosecuted from LEA?

edam Tue 29-Jun-10 13:00:11

flab, do go to the governors, in writing. They are responsible for policies and procedures (with the head) and should deal with any complaints that haven't been satisfactorily resolved/any situations where the policies are not being followed. (I am a governor and would be very concerned if something like this happened at ds's school.)

Ask for a copy of the anti-bullying policy and ask what the procedure is for 'banning' parents, on what grounds, and what right of appeal parents have if this is done unjustly. I'd suggest an apology to your dh is in order and another one to dd for failing to prevent or deal with bullying adequately. Point out discrimination on grounds of disability is now illegal under the DDA and that attacks on disabled people are treated as 'hate crimes' by the police just as racist or homophobic attacks are.

flabulousdarling Tue 29-Jun-10 13:02:02

I requested the anti-b policy but wasn't sent it and was too lax to follow it up, I'll go and get it today in preparation for the meeting. I think you're right jeee about the school mentioning it anyway, schools seem to be able to get away with murder and don't seem to be accountable.

edam Tue 29-Jun-10 13:02:07

If she's starting a new school in September, then no, you wouldn't be prosecuted. And if anyone from the LA bothers to ask, explain that your dd has been repeatedly bullied due to her disabilities and the school has not only failed to protect her but attacked your dh (verbally).

flabulousdarling Tue 29-Jun-10 13:04:26

Again thanks for all the great advice I am furiously scribbling away!

DinahRod Tue 29-Jun-10 13:06:42

That is really, really poor. In education you occasionally hear about schools like these that give others a bad name and it's really unfortunate that your dd has born the brunt. I imagine there is quite a grapevine about SMT, especially if the married head is having an affair with a member of staff, so please don't worry about what the new school have been told. Think you have made an excellent decision to move dd in September.

If you want to say, very roughly where are you? My father is involved in education (sorry about the vagueness), and if he thinks he can help, acts on behalf of parents, staff and even heads especially when procedures have not been followed.

Wordsonascreen Tue 29-Jun-10 13:07:06

Board of Governors.

If head is directly involved he should have to excuse himself.

Get EVERYTHING in writing.
Any witnesses (parents in playground? to your dh talking to the girl?)
Don't make it personal (ie affairs re head .. nothing to do with your dd)

HTH

flabulousdarling Tue 29-Jun-10 13:08:18

Is the south east too vague for you DinahRod?

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