How can i help dd1, being left out at school.

[Marne]

Dd1 has Aspergers syndrome and dyspraxia, she is sociable but likes to play her own games (be in charge). Now she's 6 the other children have got fed up with her as she doesn't always want to play by there rules and can't run fast due to low muscle tone. She's now noticing that no one wants to play with her , she says no one wants her on their team or in their club as she can't run fast enough and falls over . All of the children in her year group are a member of this club (that one of the boys has created) and they all tell her she's the only one not allowed in as she's too slow.

The school are aware of dd's needs and they know she often plays on her own or around adults. Should i talk to her teacher about how dd1 is feeling (sad) or do we just need to except this is the way its going to be due to her special needs?

Dd1 is doing well at school (a year ahead of her age group) but i worry that she will get so upset about not having friends that it will effect her progress.

We are thinking of moving her to another school for other reasons and i know this will not solve the problem (dd1 will always be different) and i'm worried that moving her to another school could even make things worse.

What can i do to help her? I don't want her to be lonely all the way through school.

We are waiting to get help from a occupational therapist to build up her muscle tone (so she will be able to run a little bit faster) but this could take months (even years).

[ommmward]

I really don't know whether this is at all helpful to you, but we home educate. It can really help children who don't fit into the obvious norms to develop at their own pace.

e.g. your little girl might do really well developing friendships with slightly older but confidence-lacking children (e.g. with dyspraxia) - they get the chance to be as good at things as your child; your child might well be indulged by the older child into taking the lead a lot of the time.

Or she might do well with smaller children who might well enjoy playing her games and wouldn't beat her in all the races.

[Marne]

I wish i could home educate her but i don't have the brains, she already knows a lot more than i do. I also have her sister who is 4 with Autism, i'm sure we will have the same problems with her too . I wish i could keep them both at home.

[ommmward]

er...

You totally totally do have the brains, lady.

Anyone can home educate. Anyone. You don't need A levels, you don't need a degree, you don't need teacher training. All you need is to be willing to spend lots of time engaging with your children.

Come on over to the HE thread and have a browse.

Have a look at HE special, join their mailing list and ask questions, and get from your local library these books: how children learn at home, home educating our autistic children and free range education

[ommmward]

... and let's have no more "I can't do it" nonsense

enfolds marne in ample bosom, in a very unmumsnetty moment

[Marne]

Thanks ommmward- do you get together with other local home ed families and kind of work together? I'm not sure if there are any home ed families near me as i'm in the middle of nowhere.

[BrigitBigKnickers]

Some of the children I work with have problems making friends (due to ASD type tendencies and problems with communication)

Two of these children have been involved in what we call a chat club. The child gets to choose a few friends from their class and they go to the club during assembly time once a week.

One of our TAs (with the direction from us and our SALT) runs it. It can be a different set of children each week or the same group. The child it is intended for always gets to choose and the other members of the class fall over themselves to be chosen.

They play games, talk about PHSE type things like how to be a good friend, and generally chat with gentle direction on social skills such as conversation skills, turn taking etc. The problems the focus child has are also vaguely discussed with the other members of the group e.g. Asking the child what they find difficult in the playground and how it makes them feel. The other children do the same thing which helps the focus child to realise how they might be able to change their behaviour too.

The parents of these children have said how successful these sessions have been. One mum recently reported how delighted she was to witness her children new found friendships at his birthday party.

Perhaps you could talk to the SENCO about setting something up similar for your DD. It might just help her with her social skills and the other children to be a bit more understanding.

[ommmward]

Come to the HE thread and I'll bump the stuff about finding other HEers for you.

Social/learning stuff depends on you and where you are and how you function socially. We do a mixture of going out and about on our own, going to HE groups (not all that often tbh, but some areas have things on all the time - it's a question of whether your children would be thriving in an organised class-y type activity, or whether your area has any social meet ups or what), and having playdates with families who are HEing or who have younger children - it all varies. Seems to me that, for now at least, it'd do your Dd no harm at all to be mostly in the company of younger children.

[chicaguapa]

Have a look at this book as that specifically deals with children who find it hard to join in/ play other people's games. DD has Asperger's tendancies and it has been brilliant for her.

[wb]

I think you should have a word with her teacher. I can see that this may be an ongoing problem but inventing a 'club' that excludes just one child is not acceptable.

[Marne]

BrigitBigKnickers- that sounds like a great idea. The SENCO is dd1's class teacher and has so far been helpful, i don't think the teachers really see what is going on (with dd1 being told she can't play by other children) may be i should point it out to her.

wb- yes, i think it is wrong to single her out but i know this is a problem we will always face as children can be so mean mainly because they don't understand why dd12 is different and can't run like they can. Maybe they need a lesson on special needs and how not everyone is as able as they are.

[Marne]

Well dd1 woke up upset this morning, worried that she would have no one to play with .

I couldn't take her in today (my neighbour took her) so i sent a message for her teacher to phone me which she just has.

The teacher has sat down with the 3 children that started the club (the ring leaders) and dd1 and explained about different abilities and how its wrong to single people out etc, dd1 has been playing happily with my neighbours little girl (mainly because my neighbour had a word with her about dd1 having no one to play with) and she's being encourage to play with the girls and the less bossy boys.

I shall see how she is when i pick her up at 3.30.

Thank god they now have 2 weeks off so she can relax a little.

[messymissy]

gosh I wish I knew your little girl - mine is always trying to join in other childrens games and will say'can I play with you' but the other children turn round and say no. So, she sits nearby and copies what they are doing in an attempt to try and join in and belong.

it is heartbreaking - she would love a friend who wanted to set the rules and let her join in.

she is a bit younger though and not at school yet.

I do hope your DD had a better day today and its good to see that the teacher is tackling this.