Terrified to go back to school.

[Scottie19]

My gorgeous boy has just told me again that he wants to die. He's 10 years old and has absolutely no confidence,self esteem or feelings of security. He was bullied for a few years by the same boy. He moved away from him and when joined a new class the kids made similar comments so to him that is proof they are right. We have a meeting with CALMS this week and multi-agency meeting with education soon. He was off school for 2 weeks before the Christmas hols. We have had a horrendous Christmas and the stress is getting to us all. We don't know what to do. He doesn't want to move schools and to be honest his mental state is so poor he wouldn't cope. How do we send him tomorrow when he is so,terribly low and suicidal.

I have had mental health issues myself and have M.S. My son and I have a really close relationship and he has been very honest about the depth of his despair. I just want you(who are reading this) to know that I am aware that a 10 year old saying they have suicidal thoughts might be rare, it is true. In no way was this put forward it words suggested for him. The reason I'm writing this is because people around us have been very dismissive of the situation stating that not as bad as all that. If only!

Sorry, brain wandered a bit, (apologies) part of my M.S. Needless to say, that as good as my personal mental health struggles have been to help support my son and understand him, I am beginning to feel my own mental health begin to waver.

From the moment he was put into my arms I have done everything I can to help support and protect him. To live with his struggle is just cementing in my own inadequacies and failings. I just wish I had someone who could help support me. My son needs me now more than ever. I have to cry in secret because if he thinks I'm sad he feels responsible. I just wish I could pick him up and run away but my hubbie and daughter need me too.

Thanks for reading this because I have no-one else to tell and sorry if it didn't make any sense but hey, ho that just about sums me up!

[loubielou2]

This is awful, for both of you. I don't know if I am going to be of help, but my suggestion is that 1) go in to the school first thing and insist on a prelim meeting with the head to explain how he is feeling, 2) ask for a one-to-one helper to be with him or to at least check on him at regular intervals. Although not the same, this situation requires as much of a need for help as a child with physical disability or SEN so dont take no for an answer. Ask them to call you or allow you to call in to school to see how he's doing, for your own reassurance. 3) encourage your DS to keep a daily diary of what happens at school, positives and negatives. 4) Lots of hugs and kisses and words of encouragement, which I imagine a loving Mum like you is already doing.

[Scottie19]

That sounds like a great idea. Although I dont think the school would have done so before maybe now there is an inter-agency meeting looming they might be so helpful. This didn't ever need to get as bad as this as we have been telling the school since September that he wasn't coping. He wad told by the Head to be less emotional and by the Depute to 'man-up'. That I why he is struggling even more. He thinks he is disappointing them as well.

[SpendSpendSpend]

I would not send him back to school.

I would look at doing some basic home schooling until secondary school and then try again going to school when hes 11

[CarrieLouise25]

So sorry for your situation

I'd pull him out. Home schooling is a perfect answer if you're able to do this, his mental state is far more important.

He needs his confidence boosted back up, and it sounds like he's had years of this. It may take years to build him back.

Don't worry about whether other people think it's not that bad, you know your son, and he needs you. School isn't compulsory, education is. You can take him out, but you might want to go onto the home education threads to find out what to do.

Very best of luck to you and your son x

[Notenoughsleepmumof3]

Scottie19 I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I'm on this page because my Yr 5DS is in a similar situation. He has been bullying on and off since he started school, but it has increased in the past year. I believe this happens as the academic gap widens in primary. In Dec. he was brutally beaten up at school by a boy. Not just hit or kicked, but huddled in a ball against a wall with his hands over his face while the boy pummelled and kicked him repeatedly as he kept saying 'please stop'. BTW our school is considered outstanding. They have expelled this boy for now, but others seem to have taken on his role and my DS has already by kicked and punched everyday since we have returned from the holidays. I'm meeting with his teacher today, but I have already started a paper trail. My DS doesn't want to go to school. Everyday he asks if he can go somewhere else. It is a very upsetting situation to be in. He is very bright and creative. He's a high attainer. He is a sunny child, but his own experience at school has made him angry and unsettled. He too has said he wants to die and he wants to kill himself. It is heartbreaking as a parent.

What we have done is, we have started to make a paper trail. Emails to teachers every time an incident happens. Emails to the Head. We have made an official complaint, followed up with a letter to the Governors. Meeting with the head, meeting with the teacher, follow-up meeting with the head next week. My next step will be to complain to Ofsted if I am not satisfied with my meetings and if it doesn't stop. I am basically being a pain in their backside in a very professional way and I am being loud about it. Try not to be emotional. Quote the schools own behaviour policy, as well as the LA policies. You can find it all on the internet these days. Be noisy and confident without being aggressive yourself. Also remember, if there is physical abuse by a child who is over the age of 10 you can call the police and press charges. It seems extreme and I have not done this myself yet, but I do know it is an option.

For my DS I talk to him about how to avoid conflict and not get into these situations. I'm sure he annoys certain kids. All kids annoy each other, but he needs to figure out that there are some people who only know how to deal with annoyance in a violent way. It isn't right, but if he wants to avoid being hit and kicked he is going to have to learn to navigate this rocky road. Children who are smart or gentle always get picked on because in a small primary they are in the minority. It isn't fair, but it seems to be the way sadly. His older sister was picked on as well, but she has a quiet personality and was able to shift through it and now she is in the gifted program at a very good Secondary School with other kids like her and is thriving.

Homeschooling may be the best thing for your DS, or maybe an in year transfer to another school, although being the new kid is hard as well. We are considering doing this. Your DS is obviously very loved at home. Keep building his confidence and try and get him involved in things outside of school with kids he doesn't know. We got our son playing a sport that no one at his school plays 2 nights a week. He also does music on a Saturday with other kids who are committed musicians. So he has made positive relationships outside of school. That has raised his confidence to believe he isn't the loser kids at his school say he is.

I hope it gets better for you and your family.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

Hi, my DD was badly bullied and while I do not have MH issues I felt the same as you - dispair anger frustration - you feel like you are sending them into the lions den and dread pick up.
Your school is being crap! You need to move him - schools have different ethos - some are more child friendly and caring than others.
Yes to paper trail - put your demands in writing

• 1 person to hear all incidents to build a pattern

An escape route during class
A quiet go to place at lunch or break
All incidents reported to you when they happen
Etc
Get copies of behaviour policyAND the complaints procedure - it's an interesting read!!
There is nothing wrong with your boy - stop looking there - it's the bullies that have the issue.
It's the teachers that don't understand

[MistyMeena]

Teacher, here....I would pull him out and home school (gently) at least for a while. No amount of exams are worth that level of stress.

I removed one of my children for far less and he's doing fine. Go and read the home ed boards. You can email the school tonight and he need never go back there.

Good luck and unmumsnetty hugs