If you moved your child's school due to bullying, at what point did you say enough is enough?

(33 Posts)
yerbabird Wed 25-Sep-13 21:53:35

DS1 in YR6 has been isolated and ostracized by his year group, gradually since YR1, we have a situation where this year it has escalated to him being name-called, locked in loos, excluded from games and teased (hat being thrown about). We picked up on it as being overt when one of the boys at the centre 'dogged up' my son and his dad after school last Thursday. Cocky to say the least. DP set up the meeting with the head straight away.

Very good head teacher, apologised in our hour-long meeting on Monday that the signs had been there but the individual teachers had not collectively realised the extent. Head teacher spoke to DS on Friday and Monday, and held back after assembly all the boys involved. By now we have a pack mentality going, and it was 11 or 12 boys from his class. They were all told it stops, dead in its tracks, otherwise it's behaviour plans and their parents are involved.

Ok so now nothing over, and yes it is early days, but not really when you know how long this isolation has taken to reach this point. I chatted with my son tonight and although there is nothing 'happening' what DS is experiencing now is quote 'you know mum when your eyes meet someone elses by accident and you know you are not welcome, and you don't feel liked'. He just feels like it is still there, just gone to a different form, subtle. Looking into the future, it does not seem like this will soften.

There is a school 1 mile away, my son has friends there, and is desperate for a new start.

With my thanks, may I ask what have others experienced of moving schools to avoid bullying?

AidaN8 Mon 30-Sep-13 18:03:10

When he had his nose broken. Should have done it much earlier. Go for it. Especially if he wants to go.

laughingeyes2013 Thu 26-Sep-13 23:55:29

I was moved aged 11, so had one lovely year before starting secondary school.

I wish my parents have moved me earlier.

I don't know what made them finally act but I know I had been desperate for a long time. Too long.

I'm glad they acted, as it was a healing and repairing year, but I really wish they'd thought to do it much earlier so I could escape the torment sooner and grow stronger for longer before having to rejoin them all again in secondary school.

Luckily by secondary school they'd all forgotten about me, probably moved onto some other victim! so it really was the best thing.

randomfemale Thu 26-Sep-13 23:27:28

The bullies trying to set light to DD2's hair. I applied that very same evening to the Grammar school 10 miles away. Got both DD's accepted and they have flourished. We now live much nearer to their school in a lovely friendly village. Best move all around.

yerbabird Thu 26-Sep-13 23:22:15

Your responses are wonderful, and thank you all so much for sharing here.

Coocachoo you've worried me there. I really feel for you and your situation feels intense this number is a helpline I have come across but not used Family Lives on 0808 800 2222 open 7am to midnight.

3littlefrogs we both cried to read your words. Huge hug as a mum to a mum here. I'm touched greatly by your sharing. Thank you for your advice, it has definitely helped today. xxx

Labro, to think of those who are there in a parent's place letting that happen to your own. Awful experience. I really feel for you. I'm honest with DS about the cons, you have helped me there.

Bunjies you have helped guide me today x

Badvoc, thank you

Kitties, gave me a chuckle there! And heads up on keeping the move quiet appreciated x

Real - they would meet again, but we have the choice of 3 really good senior schools here, if we have not managed to move by then..this is a village with a terrible reputation in the locality for it's small-mindedness.

Sparkling B - great to hear that for your DS. Unbelievable what people on the outside say. The 'don't be so silly' line is unforgivable. Thanks for the forewarning, some one is bound to try it sooner or later.

GreenG - I'm listening to your child x

SparkleS - Oh so awful, thank you for sharing. Thank you for the advice too x

Gintastic - I hear loud and clear. As a child who was always told, 'You were too young to know' about my dad leaving when I was 2, I so feel for you the pain we carry forwards. Good luck being lovely xx


And today....

after the special assembly held on Monday for the 11-12 boys from DS's who have been bullying him...

my son was bullied again, by 4 boys in particular, in a packed teacher-less class, he was laughed at and teased. The Head and Leaning Mentor have just received a long email from me explaining that we are safe guarding DS's safety - as he is not being protected by his peers when unattended by staff - and we consider his position at the school as untenable whilst this prevails and he will be at home for tomorrow at least. First step towards 'outing' the planned move. Not yet...but I thank God the head is, so far, showing support. I have told her I will be at school at 8:30 and hope to take this forward then.

You are all teaching me that it will be for the best to move DS. We all need a fresh start. Love him. It means a great deal to come on here and be supported by you all.

Thank you.

KittiesInsane Thu 26-Sep-13 22:18:59

LittleFrogs, I'm not sure what I would have done if DD (younger child) had insisted on going to DS's old school.

Not after she'd heard me describe the head as a stupid cow, anyway.

3littlefrogs Thu 26-Sep-13 21:33:11

I didn't tell DS's HT that he was moving until it was all sorted.

Dreadful woman. I still can't bring myself to speak to her if I happen to see her. Ds is in his 20s now.

coocachoo Thu 26-Sep-13 18:40:27

i was very sad to read about all the bullying going on. i know how u feel my dd is being bullied by a bunch of girls and boys age 14 they think its funny well i dont we are new to this area my dd has no friends and this is all she wants but daily she is called a slag although she hasnt even got a bf and is a virgin but they bully her as a new girl i changed school and area thinking herne bay wd be better but its just as bad i am begining to think no schl cares about bullying she is now self harming her wrists and wants to die wishes i had never had her i feel like poo and wish id never moved to herne bay thanks for nothing hbhs u shouldd all grow up u dont know my dd if u took the time to u would find shes caring loving and a nice person but u wont give her a chance god knows what your lifes are like i expect their fine well good for u selfish lot.........

gintastic Thu 26-Sep-13 18:33:31

I would move him. I was bullied through primary and into secondary. We moved 60 miles when I was 14 and it was the best thing that could have happened. Unfortunately at 35 I'm just starting to feel that the people I call friends are not merely the subset of the local population that dislikes me the least...

KittiesInsane Thu 26-Sep-13 18:32:32

'the head teacher telling us he was bringing it about himself'

Oh god yes.

Sparklingbrook Thu 26-Sep-13 18:31:34

I think DS's school thought he was being too sensitive. They said 'sometimes you have to let life be the teacher'. sad

I moved my DS after 18 months in his new secondary quite a number of years ago. The final straw after much phsyical and emotional abuse toward him was having his head repeatedly banged against an outside wall at school by the usual group of lads and the head teacher telling us he was bringing it about himself. They constantly refused to accept that bullying was the problem.

I wish I had moved him the first time he asked me to and not waited at all.

Go with your gut instinct and don't worry about other's opinions, kids remember their school days for all their life.

GreenGiant3 Thu 26-Sep-13 18:28:45

I was bullied and got moved schools, in secondary, my first year. I found it very unbearable, I was always crying and depressed, I begged and begged parents to let me move schools, and they did, not soon enough, but I was moved. It was so much better, fresh start etc

Do it OP, I really feel for your DS, bullying is horrible confusedsad

Sparklingbrook Thu 26-Sep-13 18:25:07

We moved DS1 after 8 months when he was in Year 8. Best thing we did for him. he is a totally different child now.

TheRealHousewifeOfSomewhere Thu 26-Sep-13 18:23:09

I would be inclined to move him. Will the other school feed into a different secondary school? What happens at the start of year 7 would also concern me.

KittiesInsane Thu 26-Sep-13 18:21:47

IMpress on his current head and teachers not to bring up the possible move while you are deciding. DS's head dropped him right in it by shouting 'So is that right that you're moving to X school DS? Why?' in front of his classmates.

KittiesInsane Thu 26-Sep-13 18:19:41

About the established friendships: the bonus of being the new boy is that you are more interesting than Maths at least for the first week, so people come and talk to you.

DS (Wimpy Kid personified, at 12) said it also helped that there was a rumour he'd been expelled from the previous school for beating people up.

KittiesInsane Thu 26-Sep-13 18:17:33

Go sooner rather than later.
DS found his diary and creative writing book last night from year 7. He said it was like reading about a different boy stuck in a nightmare place.

He still physically shakes if he has to go into the school where it happened, and he's year 11 now.

Shift him before he starts assuming it's his fault he's being picked on.

Badvoc Thu 26-Sep-13 18:15:09

Very good experience for us.

3littlefrogs Thu 26-Sep-13 18:13:20

When my son tried to kill himself.

Don't let it get that far. The only person who will help your child is you. IME.

Please don't hesitate. Move your son now.

bunjies Thu 26-Sep-13 18:09:36

Yes move him now. He needs to know you're on his side & will do this for him. Don't let him suffer any more.

Labro Thu 26-Sep-13 18:01:05

Its always difficult. Ds has moved twice. Once at end of yr 1, as ds was assaulted by a child who had 'nowhere else to go' then at the end of yr 4 when one of the teachers stood by when an older and much bigger child was apparently 'playing a game' which involved trying to stamp on my ds head because the child said he wanted to squash my sons brain on around 5 different occassions.
Moving isn't always easy, even now my ds has found it quite hard to settle and get through the established groups, but its worth reminding yourself that if the school hasn't managed to solve the problem then they aren't going to and you have to make a best interest decision for your ds.

yerbabird Thu 26-Sep-13 12:38:56

Thank you all. AGnu so sorry to hear that this has followed you, I'm 42 and can really relate to you, and I have hope you will heal yourself in the time ahead.

Lljkk, the move sorted things? How is your DS?

Good news the school in question has 4 places (this is a rural area, not enough kids about, its a funky school with a farm on site), I have completed the In-term admissions application.

I have an appointment to see the head and DS's Learning Mentor on Monday again. I want their support in requesting the transfer. My DP is unsure, we are also looking to move house, but my instinct is the now, like here and now, experience for DS must change asap, regardless of our speed of house move.

DP said but he'll be going into classes with established friendships, he'll feel isolated. it seems a lesser evil.

My DS's take on it this morning was he was 73% sure he'd like a fresh start. Love him. I said keep it to yourself and I'll find out about spaces.

Thank you for your replies x

AGnu Wed 25-Sep-13 23:06:31

I'd be moving him, personally. I had low-level bullying from the age of about 9. It never went away. My parents never saw it as enough of a problem to move me - I just needed to toughen up apparently. It's so hurtful & demoralising to be excluded like that on a day-to-day basis. I still have issues now. I'm 27 & my default assumption is that everyone I meet won't like me once they've been around me for more than 5 minutes. I have some wonderful people in my life who are slowly changing that opinion.... But I still wonder why they're being so nice & at what point are they going to humiliate me. hmm I'm planning to home school in the hope that I can avoid my children being in that position!

I hope you can decide what's best for your son. Maybe ask him what he'd like to do, it's him who's got to go to whichever school he's taken to!

BrianTheMole Wed 25-Sep-13 23:02:17

Move him if you can. Is there space?

lljkk Wed 25-Sep-13 22:59:16

Just do it, my only regret is not moving DS sooner.

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