how to stop siblings bullying

(4 Posts)
likesnowflakesinanocean Sun 17-Feb-13 09:25:47

i know that sounds harsh, but i am worried about how my sc and ds are treating each other and it is an ongoing problem. the way they speak to each other has been awful we have startwd a reward chart for attitude and sulking with individual targets. the main problem is sd not letting ss play and taking everything off him. she says he doesnt play properly, he has various SN and has problems with controlling and not sharing. this is true but we deal with this as and when it arises but she isnt giving us chance before she is very rude towards him. ds is gettibg caught up in it and i dont want him to think its acceptable. how can i tackle this better.

quoteunquote Sun 17-Feb-13 12:18:13

when an infringement occurs,

don't talk at them, all they hear is bla bla bla, and watch your lips moving,

ask them to come to you, ask the perpetrator to explain why the incident occurred, only use prompted words, let them do the speaking,

ask the child who was on the receiving end of the incident to explain how it made them feel, make them both explain all aspects and effects of incident, and sincerely apologies to each other without being instructed to, ask them how it made the other child feel? how it makes you feel, how it made the bystanders feel.

make them do all the thinking, only move on when you have heard every aspect explained by each child,

If you consistently do this with every single incident, they will realise that if they choose to do unnecessary irritating things to each other, they will have to put all the effort into the conflict resolution, which takes a lot of time, and becomes really boring for them, make sure they really examine every aspect of the incident.

eventually if you are consistent (it is well worth getting all adults to agree on this approach, and to commit to doing it each and every time) they will choose not to wind each other up, because they know that they will then have to spend a considerable amount of time self examining their actions,

If I pick up on my children starting to get aggrieved with each other, I can just ask, "Do you need to talk about this?'(a small cough does it) and they instantly will come to a satisfactory outcome for both parties,they both will suggest compromises, they have the tools for instant conflict resolution, they know if I the (UN in terms of family politics) have to referee, then it will take a long time, and each part of it will be picked over in finest detail,

they have to choose not to have conflict, the only way that will happen, is if they decide for themselves not to, they only way they can come to that conclusion, is by going through the resolution process for themselves, they have to come up with the ideas for themselves, they have to own the thinking, they will soon bore themselves out of doing it, if it takes up huge amounts of their time dealing with it,

there are no short cuts, be consistent,

pep talk at the end includes the information that they have to find a way to coexist harmoniously as they will be spending a huge amount of time together over the coming years, and if they continue to choose to interact in a way that their behaviour effects themselves and others it will be miserable and limit opportunities, as positive energy will be used on pointless negative actions.

Make them put more energy into fixing the situation that the energy it is using out of family life, make them do the majority of the taking, relentless persistence will get you there.

Computers and television are a privilege in this house, you earn them , if the your behaviour was exemplary the previous day, you can use them, any behaviour that needs adult intervention will mean you do not have access from that point on, until you have achieved 24hr of good behaviour, as long as you stick to that they soon get a grip of their own actions.

we do a lot of activities, if I have to remind children more than once to do something, we do not do the next activity,

my children have decided for themselves they would rather surf,climb swim, kayak,sail, use the internet, watch TV rather than fight, makes for a stress free easy life.

they have great communication skills, and know if they are finding a situation difficult to come and ask for adult intervention before it explodes than let something escalate and miss out on fun, and spend a long time analysing themselves and siblings miscreants tendencies.

it will seem like effort at first, but it really pays off in the long run.

likesnowflakesinanocean Sun 17-Feb-13 13:10:59

it seems we are at the mid point if that makes sense. but I admit to getting to involved before it escelates and should let them sort it out. they are firm believers in running telling tales. bad behaviour here means no sjykanders game or laptop usually, which we are consistent on. but I find the if I have to tell them off we don't do an activity hard because if one is naughty it ultimately punishes all the others as we can't go out as a family then. if ss is told he cannot come to x activity then one adult has to stay home If you see what I mean. I have much respect for anyone who has got this pegged because to me it feels like a constant battle of wills. if I stick to and persevere though I hope they will gain as much from it.

quoteunquote Sun 17-Feb-13 13:59:21

Never let it escalate the moment it comes up on your radar, intervene, and make them go through every single motion involved in the restoration process,

and if they miss out and have to stay at home doing chores (no tv, no computers)rather than a fun day out, it is also a good way of it sinking in that their behaviour has consequences,

you only have to instantly leave an activity everyone is enjoying because of bad behaviour once or twice and they will believe that you mean it,

before you go anywhere ask them to explain to you what behaviour you expect, and what you do not want, let them come up with the information,

and if they do misbehave, then go home, straight away, let them give explanation and solutions, that way they own the concept,

explain if they can't behave at home excursions will not happen, explain why would you want to take them out in public if they can't behave at home.

if you just accept that until they have a grip on themselves you will be on limited activities,

If they have to be well behaved for 24hr in order to get privileges they will value those privileges.

I don't see it as "telling tales" if they walk away from conflict, and come and ask for help, we see as them recognising their limits in ability to resolve the situation,

If they find themselves being less than calm with each other then they need to remove themselves from each other company.

the incentive to be consistent and sacrifice the odd activity is that if you don't install considerate behaviour towards each other in them now, in a very short space of time, you will have teenagers bigger than yourself, executing extreme versions of the same behaviour, with terrible consequences, so it really worth making sure that there is no leeway on bad behaviour.

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