They are not allowed to comment on another child, or what sanctions they have received.
For example, I may be told that another child has hit ds in the face. They will not tell me who (although he probably will) nor what happened to the other child.
So you do not know that the girl has not been punished.
And I would have a word with him about sending private messages. Obviously either that boy has sent it to the head of year, or he has sent it on to someone who has. A private message may well not stay private, we've all seen these cases where things have gone viral, and they often were private messages initially.
The problem is, while it sounds quite complicated and a bit out of hand, your stepson has done what is described as "cyber-bullying" - its much easier to see, to criticize and to punish than taunts which may or may not have been recorded somehow.
I would go and listen to what they have to say and when they are done saying it, I would ask them what they are going to to about the homophobic and racist comments directed at the stepson.
Anyone able to advise me on a difficult situation with my step-son at his secondary school. Yesterday , my husband received a phone call from dss head of year regarding a message ( privately sent to another boy on Facebook) that was sent by him about a girl in his year . The message was derogatory and had nasty stuff and was explicit about her sexual behaviour with another boy . My stepson had sent the message after an incident that involved this girl and a group of her "friends" taunting my stepson about being gay and a "paki" at lunch break last Thursday . My stepson reported this incident to the same head of year and he (stepson) wrote a written account . My stepson has now been punished by having 2 days of inclusion as a result of private message he sent . I telephoned the teacher today and when I enquired whether the girl was reprimanded for her racist and homophobic taunts , she refused to answer saying she was not discussing another child's case !! We fully accept the wrong doing of our stepson in sending this nasty email, but it was a private message between him and his friend . I have read the bullying policy and the head of year did not follow this , as she did not inform us of the initial incident that my stepson reported . I am meeting with her on Friday with my stepson and husband , but I am disappointed that my stepson has to sit in inclusion again tomorrow , whilst the girl has not been punished . Any advice about where we stand with this would be appreciated .